Would this put you off? Should I give him a chance or ghost/block?

[OhHenry]

Hi all,

Though I would start my own thread as I had sort of hijacked another thread

Over summer my friend gave her boyfriends work colleague my number to set us up. He is European. Took us ages to set up a date as both were away over summer etc.

Before our date he decided he was going to return to his home country to live but said he still really wanted to meet.

I think he decided to return as he was fired from his job. He was front of house in the restaurant my friends boyfriend also worked at. Apparently he was fired on the spot for yelling at one of the waitresses and apparently making her cry.

Another friend of mine said he might just be fiery just due to his nationality and not to let it put me off. He is Spanish/Dutch.

Anyway, went on the date. Met in a bar. He bought the drinks, we only stayed for one round and then went to get something to eat ( he had actually said to me over text he would take me to a nice restaurant) ....however we went out on a Sunday night as it's the only night I was available before he went back home. It was pretty quiet and some restaurants were closed so we just went to a pizza place.

He also told me on this date that before that restaurant job he worked in a local hotel and got into a disagreement with the owners son, got sacked and permanently banned from the hotel lol.

Anyway, the bill was only £40 and I got my card out as I have always offered to split the bill on a date...he wanted to split it and I was a little surprised. I've never been asked to split the bill and the guy has always insisted on paying...and yes I do like that and like to feel treated etc.

Next we moved onto a bar. He had a beer and a Cocktail and I had two cocktails. Again I got my card out to split, but the waiter automatically took it all of his card as he went to pay first. The waiter was around our age, so not like he is from a different generation. (30's) .I felt awkward and the guy I was on the date with said ' oh you can just send me the money' ...he uses revolut which I don't have so I said sorry I don't have that/know how it works and if you weren't going back home I would get the drinks another time....so he said 'yea just buy me one in Spain'

We went back to his ( I paid for the taxi) and I didn't stay long. Had a kiss but that was it.

Anyway, he went back to Spain a few days later and said bad timing as he had just been on a date with me. We have been texting and he has invited me out to Spain. I said I would go but would obviously not stay at his place.

Not the weekend past but the weekend before he took a few days to reply to a message. He Has done this before. So when he messaged back, he said he was swamped with work etc, sorry for the late reply.

I ignored because I'm not going to rush to respond when he hasn't. Also the whole asking me for money for cocktails and splitting dinner bill really is a turn off for me, so I kind of thought ' okay I'll just leave it'

But then he sent more messages saying he will buy me a ticket to Spain if I guess the following song ( sent a clip of him playing the guitar) again I didn't respond, so he sent another message saying ' I hope you aren't ghosting me because you found a more handsome and spanisher lad to talk to' ...again I ignored so a few days later he sent me a message asking if I was okay. I was actually in London at this point to get a minor operation so was a tad nervous and distracted. . I get back from theatre and there is another message from him saying 'if there is a reason you are not talking to me I would like to know. Not gonna be begging for your attention but I'd be disappointed if we stopped talking and I didn't know the reason why...'

So I actually sent him a hospital selfie and Said not a great time for me etc just had surgery...so he has been all attentive, checking in with me etc. said that he would like to spend more time with me and enjoy my company whether in Spain or in my city. And that he wishes we had seen more of each other before he went back home, I seem really nice and he would like to see more of it etc etc.

I'm not sure now how to get him to stop talking to me! I am actually signed up to a dating agency which I had to postpone due to my surgery, so part of me was like I should see where it goes with this guy, then the other part of me thought no, wait and see how to dating agency thing goes.

I can't ghost him as he will just keep sending me messages. Blocking feels a tad harsh...part of me wants to tell him that his meanness with dinner etc really turned me off.

But there do seem to be a few red flags don't there?!

Any advice appreciated. I've been very inactive on the dating scene and feel out of touch....

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

this, exactly. sounds like you need to grow up OP

rule of thumb is whoever invites the other on the date pays, splitting the bill insinuates platonic motivations. I would just text him politely but firmly saying "Hi, very sorry but due to my current health situation and a few other factors I won't be able to continue this situationship, thanks for the meetups though!"

The way you come across here makes you sound like hard work. It's perfectly normal to split the bills, I'm not sure why you keep insisting that you are happy to split it on other dates but it wasn't okay when you were out with him. And he was right in his message, if you don't want to see him again best be clear and don't leave him hanging.

@blisstwins- yes I guess a temper would be easier to hide if further away. He definitely seemed the opposite of bad tempered when I met him though.

@AmadeusBreathingWater - I don't think I need to grow up. Plenty of people ghost or block to avoid confrontation! I know his ex gf who is 4/5 years older than me just ghosted him.

@marblemad - correct. He invited me and offered to treat me. Glad someone understands this.

@Appleblum - he told me he wanted to treat me to dinner and drinks?! Of course I thought that meant he would pay. Don't see how that makes me hard work.

A small part of me is like no don't end it yet as he would be good to have a bit of fun with 😉

Ignore those saying you're hard work and grabby.
The bar is so low for men so many women put up with just about anything to say they have a man.

He asked and offered to take you out for dinner. He didn't do that.
That would put me off too.
I've never paid for dates in my life and don't intend to.

The fact that men expect women to pay 50/50 when women don't get 50% of anything! Not 50% of the money, 50% of the privilege, 50% of the safety, 50% of the space they're allowed to take up. None of that. But, pay. Pay equal amounts even though you don't have equal rights. How ridiculous that is!

As for this guy, just text him a simple message saying you don't have time for LDR and wish him well. Then block.

I agree with the others just explain that it’s not working for you. If he continues texting, then it’s fine to block but it’s a bit mean to just leave him hanging especially when you know he’s been ghosted before.

@missmamiecuddleduck - THANK YOU! People on this thread are making me out to be really bloody awful!

I would like to be wined and dined....big deal! What an awful person I am. And I expected a meal I was TOLD I was going to be treated to.

I also have never paid for a date before that.

You are totally right. Women are never totally equally with men, I don't think it's going to be something I will see in my lifetime.

@BlackberryCat - yea I guess I'm cautious of hurting his feelings as he has been ghosted before

Red flags for you are that he lost 2 jobs through his temper. That would make me think twice. But you seem to want to glide past this glaringly obvious, waving bright red flag and concentrate on the splitting the bill issue.

The man had just lost his job and was planning to move back abroad and may have been skint and thankful you offered (without any real intent of splitting it at all).

The saintly waiter - surprised you haven't started dating him yet seen as you're holding him on a pedalstool for taking your date's card instead of yours - But just maybe he took that card because it was, as you said,offered up first while you just sat with your card in the hand. And in any case, nobody needs a certain paying app to be able to transfer the amount over or all this time you've been ghosting each other, you could have made arrangements to pay another way.

And for anyone saying women don't get equal,I think you're living in wrong decade or century if you think some women don't earn just as much if not more than some men and her date wasn't working so not earning at all!

I'm gonna take a stab in the dark as to the reason why you're reluctant to ghost/block the man despite his 'outrageous'behaviour...because he's offered to pay your plane ticket, put you up and wine and dine you in Spain, by any chance??

Then youll come home then block/ghost him

But its your right to think you deserve to be 'wined and dined' and I hope you one day find yourself a lovely old sugar daddy who will accommodate you

grown ups do not block or ghost people ‘to avoid confrontation’ no matter how much you try to insist you’re right

@OhHenry Again I got my card out to split, but the waiter automatically took it all of his card as he went to pay first

Tell me this, was the waiter manipulative and sexist for assuming my date was paying and taking the money all of him, or is that okay because he is male?!

so did you actually tell the waiter you wanted to split when you held your card out or was you so slow to take your card out of your bag (mothballs gor in the way, I'm guessing) thar your date delt obliged to put it all on his card to save face?

I wonder if you could find a middle ground between getting embroiled in a back and forth about whether or not long distance could work or not and just blocking/ghosting him. I'd probably try and find a way to be firm but not too honest (speaking as a chronic over explainer 😂) - something along the lines of "great to have gotten to know you a bit but unfortunately I'm just not feeling it, so wouldn't be interested in moving things forward or meeting up again. Best of luck for the future though and hope the move is going well!" or similar. If he comes back asking why you can repeat that you just aren't feeling it, and if he pushes even an inch further you can block him knowing you tried to spare his feelings by not ghosting him but don't owe him an explanation. The two firing episodes would be glaring red flags for me, and honestly no one is good looking enough that it's worth you pursuing when your gut tells you something isn't right.

It sounds as though deep down you really like him, so maybe give it a chance - you never know. Not sure how the relationship would work out though, if he is going to be permanently living in Spain.

It sounds like he genuinely likes you. You are both grown ups so instead of ignoring him and sending a random hospital selfie, just text him and tell him that you are not interested and you wish him well? Why the drawn out, unnecessary drama.

I agree with this. You have let it drag on far longer than it needed to. He lives in another country and it’s clear this isn’t going to go anywhere. Just let him know. If he doesn’t respect that afterwards then reiterate your position and then block him. But blocking/ghosting without letting him know you don’t want to take it further is just rude.

“I would just text him politely but firmly saying "Hi, very sorry but due to my current health situation and a few other factors I won't be able to continue this situationship, thanks for the meetups though!"”

This. As PP have said, losing 2 jobs because of displays of anger is a very bad sign. You’re trying to minimise it because you fancy him but he’s telling you that he’s someone who throws his weight around and behaves inappropriately and aggressively in the work place. I’m guessing he doesn’t like partners telling him what to do either.

I don’t generally agree that the man should pay for dates but he said he was taking you out which to me implies that he was going to pay. He’s now being pushy and making you uncomfortable. He may be very good looking on the outside but he’s single ie women who know the real him don’t want him despite his looks. He sounds like bad news frankly.

Oh so from your updates the only reason you're stringing this out and making unnecessary drama out of it is because there's a chance of squeezing a free trip to Spain and sex with a hot guy out of it. That's a bad idea given that you're not compatible and he has anger issues.

Plenty of people ignore messages if they don't know what to say

It's neither normal nor polite to do this. Just send a normal message closing it all down. Or string him along and scam that trip to Spain, we can't stop you.

Honestly you care too much about what he will say/think if you end things for X or Y reason. Its not your problem what he thinks and you can do what you like. Its as simple as 'Don't think it will work for blah blah reason', if he has anything to say back to it then a simple 'sorry but that's how I feel ' and then ignore any more messages. If he persists. Block him.

Also people saying its grabby to expect a man who invited you to dinner to actually pay for the dinner...my god when did we set the bar so tragically low.

I really don’t understand why you are making this so complicated. It is very easily resolved e.g. I don’t want to get into anything long distance, all the best.

This

I know, right?

Whoever launches the invite and picks the place should absolutely pay. It's not even a gender thing.

You said yourself you're embarrassingly our of touch with the dating game, so I'm going to tell you that splitting billa on a first date it totally normal. Treating is more normal when you're meeting up again.

Maybe plenty of peole do ghost/block, but that doesn't stop it being a childish way of ending a situation in the first instance.

I guess I just wasn't sure whether to block straight away or be more polite and send a nice goodbye first lol

Send goodbye obviously, you probably don't even need to block. I can't quite believe you need to ask that, and that's what makes me lose sympathy with the rest of your questions.

I think the mixture of this weird inability to speak clearly like an adult, and your insistence on being wined and dined is what makes you look infantilised. And replying to everyone individually with indignation!

(Yes I know he said he'd pay, he is in the wrong for not paying, but it's your attitude to dates generally I'm talking about)

OP, you are coming across as really immature and playing games, that’s why people are saying you need to grow up - I agree with them.
There are red flags from him but when I finished reading your post I definitely thought you were the red flag person. Stop playing games with him.

OP, in the payment scenario, it is your behaviour that is the red flag.

It is the 21st century. Splitting the bill is the default. For a man to assume he is paying for a woman is a disrespectful and chauvinistic act which harks back to outdated gender roles. Especially with a stranger, who is sitting there with her card in her hand, clearly indicating that she expects to pay!!!

To pull out your card when you don't want to pay, and will resent it if you do pay, is both manipulative and deceitful. Huge red flag.

He'd just lost his job, you still have an income. You either split the bill, or you pay. If it's going to be an issue, a quick chat when you arrange the date or enter the restaurant is best. 'I'd love to, we'll split the bill.' 'I'm broke, let's go somewhere cheaper.' 'I just got a bonus, may I treat you?'