Would this put you off? Should I give him a chance or ghost/block?

[OhHenry]

Hi all,

Though I would start my own thread as I had sort of hijacked another thread

Over summer my friend gave her boyfriends work colleague my number to set us up. He is European. Took us ages to set up a date as both were away over summer etc.

Before our date he decided he was going to return to his home country to live but said he still really wanted to meet.

I think he decided to return as he was fired from his job. He was front of house in the restaurant my friends boyfriend also worked at. Apparently he was fired on the spot for yelling at one of the waitresses and apparently making her cry.

Another friend of mine said he might just be fiery just due to his nationality and not to let it put me off. He is Spanish/Dutch.

Anyway, went on the date. Met in a bar. He bought the drinks, we only stayed for one round and then went to get something to eat ( he had actually said to me over text he would take me to a nice restaurant) ....however we went out on a Sunday night as it's the only night I was available before he went back home. It was pretty quiet and some restaurants were closed so we just went to a pizza place.

He also told me on this date that before that restaurant job he worked in a local hotel and got into a disagreement with the owners son, got sacked and permanently banned from the hotel lol.

Anyway, the bill was only £40 and I got my card out as I have always offered to split the bill on a date...he wanted to split it and I was a little surprised. I've never been asked to split the bill and the guy has always insisted on paying...and yes I do like that and like to feel treated etc.

Next we moved onto a bar. He had a beer and a Cocktail and I had two cocktails. Again I got my card out to split, but the waiter automatically took it all of his card as he went to pay first. The waiter was around our age, so not like he is from a different generation. (30's) .I felt awkward and the guy I was on the date with said ' oh you can just send me the money' ...he uses revolut which I don't have so I said sorry I don't have that/know how it works and if you weren't going back home I would get the drinks another time....so he said 'yea just buy me one in Spain'

We went back to his ( I paid for the taxi) and I didn't stay long. Had a kiss but that was it.

Anyway, he went back to Spain a few days later and said bad timing as he had just been on a date with me. We have been texting and he has invited me out to Spain. I said I would go but would obviously not stay at his place.

Not the weekend past but the weekend before he took a few days to reply to a message. He Has done this before. So when he messaged back, he said he was swamped with work etc, sorry for the late reply.

I ignored because I'm not going to rush to respond when he hasn't. Also the whole asking me for money for cocktails and splitting dinner bill really is a turn off for me, so I kind of thought ' okay I'll just leave it'

But then he sent more messages saying he will buy me a ticket to Spain if I guess the following song ( sent a clip of him playing the guitar) again I didn't respond, so he sent another message saying ' I hope you aren't ghosting me because you found a more handsome and spanisher lad to talk to' ...again I ignored so a few days later he sent me a message asking if I was okay. I was actually in London at this point to get a minor operation so was a tad nervous and distracted. . I get back from theatre and there is another message from him saying 'if there is a reason you are not talking to me I would like to know. Not gonna be begging for your attention but I'd be disappointed if we stopped talking and I didn't know the reason why...'

So I actually sent him a hospital selfie and Said not a great time for me etc just had surgery...so he has been all attentive, checking in with me etc. said that he would like to spend more time with me and enjoy my company whether in Spain or in my city. And that he wishes we had seen more of each other before he went back home, I seem really nice and he would like to see more of it etc etc.

I'm not sure now how to get him to stop talking to me! I am actually signed up to a dating agency which I had to postpone due to my surgery, so part of me was like I should see where it goes with this guy, then the other part of me thought no, wait and see how to dating agency thing goes.

I can't ghost him as he will just keep sending me messages. Blocking feels a tad harsh...part of me wants to tell him that his meanness with dinner etc really turned me off.

But there do seem to be a few red flags don't there?!

Any advice appreciated. I've been very inactive on the dating scene and feel out of touch....

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

I'm not grabby thanks. I'm actually very generous and any other date I have been on the guy just wouldn't accept money off me and they have certainly never accused me of being 'grabby' and seen it as a red flag

and yet here you are still single. Wantin men to pay for uou. Calling them mean when they don’t. But not considering yourself mean or grabby by not even wanting to pay for yourself.

grow up op be an equal payer. Take responsibility.

@montysma1 - i could say the same for him. Why say he will treat me to dinner and drinks and then ask for money?! Lol

@Ragwort - I know. Not the most sensible thing to do. I guess I thought it was okay as my friends know him and knew I was with him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - thank you for your kind advice. I take it the book is about women who give more than a man does in a relationship?

@Begoniasforever - oh wow so bitchy. I posted here for advice and now you are making snide comments about the fact that I'm 'still single' ...you think not splitting the bill is old fashioned, but so is making catty remarks about women who are 'still single' ...plenty of single women on this forum.

Like I said he offered to buy me dinner, never in a million years would I ask someone to buy me dinner. And like I said the waiter assumed he was paying, so plenty of men have that attitude. It's personal preference. No need for digs.

I wouldn't date either of you.

Him - the sackings are massive red flags.

You - the pretending to get your card out to pay and expecting him to. Manipulative. Sexist. Plus so rude to just ignore messages. Childish to play games.

If you're not interested, which you are clearly not, just say so. Stop playing games.

I would like to point out also that I barely ate any of the dinner....

I get very nervous on dates which gives me butterflies in my stomach, and yep, I can't eat much at all usually on a first date.

So he ate all of his own dinner and more than half of mine....something I just thought about

@arethereanyleftatall - there must be an awful lot of manipulative women running about the place then. Tell me this, was the waiter manipulative and sexist for assuming my date was paying and taking the money all of him, or is that okay because he is male?!

Plenty of people ignore messages if they don't know what to say. If I tell him I'm not interested due to long distance he will end up saying 'oh but I'll be over there anyway' he doesn't take no for an answer easily.

Nope. Also sexist.

Not knowing what to say doesn't make it not rude. It's just a way of keeping the other person hanging on. Not good.

Why didn't you respond to his texts? Ghosting is an awful thing to do. If you had just said something along the lines of 'it was a nice evening but you are off home now so I don't think it will work out' that would have been the end of it! Sending him a pic of you in hospital was obviously going to make him text more.
Just have the courtesy to now say you wish him the best but do not want to pursue a relationship.

What do you mean he doesn’t take no for an answer easily? You’ve been on 1 date with him. You barely know him. Why are you so intent on overcomplicating things?

@mondaytosunday -because he took days to respond to messages I had sent? So obviously I'm not going to respond straight away. I was just mirroring his behaviour and leaving it around the same length of time he took to respond to me, but he didn't seem to like that then started bombarding me with messages...it's okay when he is flaky though!

I did put a message with the hospital pic that it wasn't a good time but he seemed to ignore that part!!

I guess a tiny tiny part of me thought 'well maybe I wouldn't mind a wee trip to Spain, I'll not judge on the bill issue as I know attitudes are different' but then was concerned the firing thing was perhaps a red flag!

@PinkSyCo - when he told me he was going back to Spain I said ' oh no point in meeting then' and he said yes there is and kept sending big long messages about why we should still meet, and eventually I said right okay.

He is very persistent, so I don't think he will just be like 'okay' he will probably come up with reasons as to why long distance would work, if I use that as an excuse!

thats his problem. If he keeps trying to invent reasons to keep seeing you just say look, I tried to be polite but I’m not interested and I want you to stop contacting me. If he doesn’t get the hint then you block him.

Then you reiterate that it just won’t work for you. If he persists then you block. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just talk to him. Oh, stupid idea, I know…

@TedMullins
@PinkSyCo

Yea I guess that's a good option. I think sometimes I can be a little softly softly whereas other people would be more brutal and just block straight away!

I guess I just wasn't sure whether to block straight away or be more polite and send a nice goodbye first lol

Also, admittedly I do find him very very physically attractive.

My friend and her boyfriend had told me how attractive he was and my friends boyfriend even said ' I'm a straight man and I find him very attractive' and 'he's a beautiful man'

I sort of inwardly gasped and thought 'wow' when I saw him.

So yea there was definitely a very strong sexual chemistry/spark with him, so that little niggle is there of 'maybe I'm jumping the gun with ending things'

But looks have never been the most important thing to me after all, there are other attributes that are more important to me! I always put personality first etc

OP, just reply to him that you had a good time but you're not interested, don't want to stay in touch, thanks, all the best, goodbye. Or somesuch 🤷‍♀️

Don't be one of those Mumsnetters who starts a thread, magicks up a dozen 'red flags', and declares him a monster she can block, all because she can't say 'No thanks, goodbye' to some guy she was happily snogging/shagging just hours/days ago.

Run for the hills.
Massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

@Stravaig - lol yes that is good advice.

I guess that's what I was sort of asking and why I started the thread, are there red flags, or have I invented them?!

I'm a tad out of touch on the dating scene right now!

Embarassingly so actually 🙈

@BrightOrangeRectangles - do you mainly mean the job sackings being the red flags??

OP, if you don't want to see him or keep in touch with him, just say so. There don't have to be 'red flags' for you to say no. You can say no for any reason at all, however small, or for no reason at all. Just no.

Two points:

• It seems impractical to start seeing someone who lives in another country. I'd also beware the false impression of intimacy that comes from frequent messaging with someone you don't know well already.

• He's told you about two work incidents involving his temper. That's something I would take note of.

Everything else is down to personal preference. If you don't want to keep in touch with him, tell him No, Thanks, Goodbye. If you're not really sure, make a list of plus and minus points, and decide.

He can't hold a job down. That would be enough for me.

I think the main pull for me with this guy is I do find him very attractive, but I know that's not the most important thing!

And with the not being able to hold down a job, I think it's definitely a case of him being used to running the show and not liking taking orders.

I also am suffering from low self esteem, so I've sort of been thinking 'well, maybe I can't do better'

Bumping for the early hours of the morning crowd who are still awake....😆

It’s long distance so end it because of that. But truly the long distance part with his temper means he will be able to hide it while you get deeper in. I would be turned off for the same reasons as you, but distance is the biggie. Just tell him.