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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Surprise pregnancy DP not happy at all.

137 replies

Freya81 · 09/10/2022 11:02

I'm just looking for some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have one DD who is 21 months. He is 15 years older than me and has three grown up kids from a previous marriage. I've just found out that I'm pregnant again at 41. I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception and I'd just been relying on an online fertility calculator. Obviously it wasn't that accurate as according to it, we only had sex once about 5 or 6 days before ovulation.

It came as a huge shock to discover that I was pregnant as along with my age, I also have thyroid issues. I dreaded telling DP, but finally plucked up the courage to on Friday. I thought he'd be unhappy about it, but supportive. I was wrong. Since then, I have had a barrage of criticism, that I'm a deceitful, manipulate cow who has lied to him, that I'm a useless mother to our DD (which I think is unfair and untrue as I'm absolutely devoted to and and do almost all the childcare). This morning, he has upped the intensity and although he hasn't said it outright, he is implying very strongly that I should have a termination. I'm six weeks pregnant and although I never expected this pregnany, I'm already thinking about whether DD will have a brother or sister. He is adamant that he doesn't want another child and is claiming that it will ruin our DD's life.

To make matters even worse, I'm currently financially dependent on him and I don't really have any relationship with my family, so I can't turn to them for support. I'm feeling so upset and can't strop crying so any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Smileeriley · 09/10/2022 11:06

Well that was still, of both of you.

You're just six weeks so you've plenty of time to not b financially reliant on him.

Coffeetree · 09/10/2022 11:07

Oh my god what a pig.

The only upside is that he's shown his true colours. He's an irredeemable arse. Dont listen to his blather for a moment. He knows how babies are made. He should've had a vasectomy if he didn't want more.

There IS help out there. Call Women's Aid. You don't deserve this.

FleeUpFreeTime · 09/10/2022 11:08

You’re both shocked but you had unprotected sex. You’re both to blame not just you. Another child will NOT ruin your dd’s life but your husband will if you continue to allow his behaviour.

do you want a 2nd child?
do you want to stay with your husband?
if the 2 are not possible together then there’s a very difficult decision to be made.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 11:13

we only had sex once about 5 or 6 days before ovulation

Sperm can survive for up to 5 days.

*Oh my god what a pig.

And this.

These "men" are a disgrace & disgusting.

Every week there's a story of one of them on here.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 11:14

He is adamant that he doesn't want another child

Then he should had a vasectomy or at least used condoms.

And is claiming that it will ruin our DD's life.

What particularly shitty and sick emotional blackmail.

IncompleteSenten · 09/10/2022 11:14

He had unprotected sex with you. What did he (and you) think was going to happen?

If he did not want another child he should not have relied on such an unreliable method. It's the 'cross your fingers and hope for the best' method of contraception.

You are equally responsible for you getting pregnant but what happens now is entirely your choice.
You need to take a deep breath and go through your options and the likely outcomes and decide what you want to do.

FruitPastilleNut · 09/10/2022 11:16

Keep the baby. Lose the arsehole.

He's allowed to be shocked and upset. He's only human. But this shouldn't transfer into him abusing you.

An initial shocked 'attack' of accusing me of lying etc - that he apologised for as soon as he'd calmed down - I think I could move past. Obviously still not great but people make mistakes, they say things in anger and frustration etc. If DH did this then apologised sincerely and was reasonable from then, I could get over it.

But calling you a terrible mother and his behaviour now escalating? You deserve more than this and this is not a man you want to waste your whole life on.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 11:17

Since then, I have had a barrage of criticism, that I'm a deceitful, manipulate cow who has lied to him

What did you supposedly lie to.him about?

That I'm a useless mother to our DD

Ah I see, is that why he insists on looking after her full-time, while you go out to work. And he never lets you have her unsupervised and never leaves her in your sole care?

Is the really the first time you've seen that he's an utterly horrible, evil bastard?

MayThe4th · 09/10/2022 11:20

Did he know you weren’t using contraception?

Assuming he did, then you are both responsible for this.

And I’m not vastly sympathetic when people are shocked that they fall pregnant when not using contraception. Given you know how babies are made, not using contraception essentially amounts to ttc.

Only you can decide what to do now. Your dp can’t make you have an abortion, but he can decide to have nothing to do with the baby. Reality though is that if he is a decent father to the children he already has, he likely will come round as a father, although there are no guarantees he will as a partner.

So what you need to ask yourself is whether you can manage two under two as a single parent with no family support. And then make your decision based on that.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 11:20

He is 15 years older than me and has three grown up kids from a previous marriage.

A divorce, even with kids involved. What a surprise.

When will women ever ever learn that good partners and father's rarely end up divorced and availabile on the relationship market.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 11:21

*divorcé

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/10/2022 11:22

I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception
Why don't you 50% blame him, and why does he also completely blame you? He also had the option of using contraception and didn't, and since he's the one who adamantly doesn't want another child, the responsibility should mainly fall on him.

Do what you think is best for yourself and your daughter, and assume he isn't going to support you. Take the steps you need to become more financially independent, because the chances of him ramping up the emotional abuse are very high.

FanTaill · 09/10/2022 11:22

I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception.

Why are both of you blaming you? You’re equally responsible.

MMmomDD · 09/10/2022 11:22

It sounds like you want you have this child.
And it also sounds like this relationship isn’t going to survive in either outcome.

Even if you have an abortion - how will you live with a man who has treated you this way - called you names and forced you to terminate when you didn’t want to.
And if you don’t have an abortion - and he stays - you will still remember all of it and the relationship may survive for a while longer but not be the same.

So - in your place - I’d look objectively at the worst case scenario - you and two kids ok your own. Can you make it work with UC; child support; moving back to the area where you have family; going back to work eventually?

Personally - i don’t think any man is worth not having a child you want to have. But also - I believe you need to be able to support the kids you chose to have.
So it’s a tough decision - I am sorry.

MayThe4th · 09/10/2022 11:22

Does that go for mothers as well?

Coffeetree · 09/10/2022 11:22

Fuck off with the victim blaming. Seriously, go get therapy. Nothing justifies the verbal abuse the OP is getting. Yes, he's revealed himself to be a shitty partner. That's his fault alone.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 11:22

Since then, I have had a barrage of criticism, that I'm a deceitful, manipulate cow who has lied to him, that I'm a useless mother to our DD (which I think is unfair and untrue as I'm absolutely devoted to and and do almost all the childcare). This morning, he has upped the intensity and although he hasn't said it outright, he is implying very strongly that I should have a termination. I'm six weeks pregnant and although I never expected this pregnany, I'm already thinking about whether DD will have a brother or sister. He is adamant that he doesn't want another child and is claiming that it will ruin our DD's life.

This is abuse.

He's an abuser.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 11:24

The relationship is over, whatever you choose, so make the best choice for yourself.

You need to get very, very busy figuring out how you are going to support yourself and your daughter.

Crunchingleaf · 09/10/2022 11:24

The relationship is likely completely over OP. If you terminate in order to keep him then you will resent him for it. That sort of decision has to be something you actually want to do and not get bullied into doing.
He knew the score and is as equally at fault as you that your pregnant.
Have you ever seen this side of him before OP? This is very worrying behaviour tbh.

MayThe4th · 09/10/2022 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

shipwreckedonhighseas · 09/10/2022 11:27

You can't stay with someone who would speak to you like that, especially when you're pregnant.

AnApparitionQuipped · 09/10/2022 11:28

I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception and I'd just been relying on an online fertility calculator.

It sounds as though he was equally responsible for this decision. Even if he hadn't been, it doesn't justify the verbal abuse you are receiving.

gamerchick · 09/10/2022 11:31

Your relationship is probably over whether you terminate or not OP. If a man doesn't want pregnancies then he takes steps to make that not happen.

You need a plan. Tell him to fuck off out of your face.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 11:31

MayThe4th · 09/10/2022 11:22

Does that go for mothers as well?

Men esp fathers who end up divorced are generally fairly shit people.

Women esp mothers who end up divorced wre generally married to shit men.

The nature of men (and the fact that so many more of them.are shit people than women esp. when it comes to parenting) is borne out across the board in men's behaviour and crime. It is no coincidence that the vast vast majority of violent and sex crime is committed by men, it is no coincidence that the number of men injured and killed by partners or former partners is minute compared to women. It is no coincidence that the vast majority of single parents taking all of most of responsibility for kids are women.

So no.

Not sure why it even needs said.

They are not like us, never have been and never will be.

A lot of divorced and eparated men will prove themselves to be bastards give time and opportunity; women need to be aware and cynical about them when making crucial decisions about relationships and kids.

In any case, this is now irrelevant/horse bolted to op in her current unenviable position.

Op, I'm afraid of I were you I'd separate, have the baby if you want and get your due - child maintenance, him doing as much cc as you can get him to do.

Because he's revealed himself as quite an evil, abusive bastard.

gamerchick · 09/10/2022 11:31

I couldn't come back from those sorts of words being flung at me. Vile.

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