Surprise pregnancy DP not happy at all.

[Freya81]

I'm just looking for some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have one DD who is 21 months. He is 15 years older than me and has three grown up kids from a previous marriage. I've just found out that I'm pregnant again at 41. I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception and I'd just been relying on an online fertility calculator. Obviously it wasn't that accurate as according to it, we only had sex once about 5 or 6 days before ovulation.

It came as a huge shock to discover that I was pregnant as along with my age, I also have thyroid issues. I dreaded telling DP, but finally plucked up the courage to on Friday. I thought he'd be unhappy about it, but supportive. I was wrong. Since then, I have had a barrage of criticism, that I'm a deceitful, manipulate cow who has lied to him, that I'm a useless mother to our DD (which I think is unfair and untrue as I'm absolutely devoted to and and do almost all the childcare). This morning, he has upped the intensity and although he hasn't said it outright, he is implying very strongly that I should have a termination. I'm six weeks pregnant and although I never expected this pregnany, I'm already thinking about whether DD will have a brother or sister. He is adamant that he doesn't want another child and is claiming that it will ruin our DD's life.

To make matters even worse, I'm currently financially dependent on him and I don't really have any relationship with my family, so I can't turn to them for support. I'm feeling so upset and can't strop crying so any thoughts would be appreciated.

And in my experience divorced and separated men pretty much always price themselves to be fuckers.

Assume you meant prove, and I agree with you.

They're not in my life, but nice try with the passive agressive snideness.

Oh and maybe you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And maybe you're delusional.

I don't need to evaluate anything, dear - other than engaging with people like you.

Yes, and thank you.

I forgot to add that abortion coercers are also not a type of man you should be saving a relationship with and hoping they come around (whether you terminate or continue the pregnancy).

It's ridiculous to suggest that divorced fathers are somehow always the one to blame and are somehow 'faulty' and not to be trusted.

Of two lots of friends currently going through a divorice, the woman is the instigator / the one having the affair and leaving. Based on friends and family and personal experience, there is very little evidence that in a divorce it's more often the man's fault. It's a fair split. Please don't unfairly accuse all divorced men as being somehow incapable of a good relationship. In doing so you aren't being fair but you are also suggesting to the op that she made a bad choice in marrying him, just because he'd been married before.

After four children, you'd think he'd have worked out how babies are made by now.

Do what you want to do - in terms of finance, that'll mean claiming benefits and CMS. It's really not that bad.

When it comes down to it, it sounds like you'll either be a lone parent to one or two children without an arsehole abusing you to get his own way in protecting him from the consequences of his own penis. It's entirely up to you whether it's one or two, though - not him.

I think the advice generally is that sperm can live up to 5 or 6 days, so the app could be accurate, just used incorrectly and really, if relying on rhythm you ought to know this, you probably did know this and chanced your arm a bit as was borderline at the time.
But I've no time for men who really don't want kids, but are gladly having the sex without taking precautions themselves either by using condoms, or if dead set against it, a vasectomy. He only has himself to blame there.
Time to start planning for a future without him. This could be a good thing in the long run as it sounds like you were planning on relying on him in the future, which was always shaky ground as not married to him. The sooner you can work on independence, the better, he's shown you his true colours.

That was aimed at lemondrop's comments.

And based on very personal experience - I'm married to one of those divorced men (and have been for many years) who was just married to the wrong person first time around.

It's ridiculous to suggest that divorced fathers are somehow always the one to blame

Good thing I didn't suggest it then.

The word always wasn't used once.

Sperm can survive longer than 5 days, my 10 year old is proof (plus I recall it's more like 10 days for some swimmers)

Sorry 'pretty much always'.... still very wrong. And a way of blaming the op as though she should have known better. This isn't her fault.

Basically neither of you were taking contraception so you're both 'at fault' of an unwanted pregnancy

Your partner however is a wanker

Are you married, OP? Any assets you might be awarded inna divorce? What career skills can you start refreshing?

Best of luck to you. 💐

Every day is a school day. I read it was around 5 somewhere.

This is the second post by women on her in a few days saying they got pregnant 5 days after sex and surprised by it.

The other lady and partner did not finish as such but there must have been swimmers in pre ejaculate

Dad here. Tell him to fucking man up. Your daughter deserves a brother or sister her own age to play with. If you hadn’t been through the menopause or were not infertile and he hadn’t had a vasectomy then unprotected sex was pretty much guaranteed to have this result .
I probably shouldn’t be saying this as a man but these days as a woman you don’t actually have to be financially dependent upon a man.
It might have come as a shock at first but that was totally uncalled for and very nasty indeed. So if his attitude doesn’t change then frankly he is not good enough for either you or your daughter and you’ve got some decisions to make.

How can a 56 year old man not know that having unprotected sex can result in conception? Why does he think contraception is your responsibility?

I have so many questions about this, but from what you have told us about him, he sounds like a horrid person and my main question would be why are you actually with him?

Hes a horrid, controlling toss pot OP. Im so sorry you have all of this stress.
I had the same situation many years ago. Was called every name under the sun, accused of catching him out, told that if I didn't terminate we'd split up and he'd hide all his money, I also got the "you'll ruin older siblings life". My situation was much the same as yours, no family help and pretty much financially dependant on him.
What did I do? Nothing. Absolutely fuck all. I treated him as he deserved to be treated. I didn't mention the pregnancy again. I went to early scans/appointments on my own and started to prepare for my precious baby by myself.
Once I'd started to tell friends and family i was pregnant something remarkable happened. He started to become gradually "involved". It was as if he was embarrassed to show them what a twat he was being. By the time the baby was here he was still a grumpy sod but he'd realised this was was our family now. The first few months were difficult but once DD was toddling and super excited to see daddy he became besotted as he was with our older DS. Who incidently adored his little sister and still does.
Hes now a remarkable father, the children love him and we are the perfect family from the outside.
From the inside I will never forgive him for the awful way he behaved. I got a glimpse of the real person I married and I won't forget that ever. I've learned he is not to be trusted and I will always have my own financial affairs in order (I am no longer dependent on him as I was back then). Our marriage survived because I had no where else to go. I would never rule out leaving in the future.
Sorry for the essay there OP! I was just struck with the similarities in our positions. I wish you and your DC lots of luck for your future.

If you read my posts, you will see I'm not blaming op.

Op is considerably younger than her partner - she was young ish when she got involved with him.

These men prey on younger woman, i find. It's a common pattern. An older woman might question the circumstances and implications of his marriage breakdown more.

Also it's just demographics, must women their own age are not single anyway.

I think it's a pity women are not educated and made more aware of the implications of a man leaving or being left by his life partner and mother of his children ... In many cases they are not positive. As I said many of these guys are circulating trash but the circulatiknncan take years at a time.

As I said, it's horse bolted for op.

He is being severely nasty and abusive.

He is revealing himself to be someone she should look very long and hard at continuing a relationship with, regardless of the pregnancy decision.

He is being very abusive. So no, I don't think your relationship can survive this.

It sounds as though you already have a plan to get a part-time job. I think working out how you can support yourself and your DC is the best plan. Don't forget he will also have to pay maintenance. Hope it all works out.

He is also extremely irresponsible incidentally.

Well, he's a nasty piece of shit isn't he?

He does realise not all the responsibility falls onto you? He could've wrapped his little cocktail sausage up to!

The things he has said are damn right nasty! No wonder he has an ex with 3 kids.

You do what YOU want to do. It's YOUR body. Don't let this scumbag try and control you.

No wonder he has an ex with 3 kids.

Oh you can't say that!!! The world is chock full of lovely, adorable, super decrntwe adjusted upright divorced fathers You need to evaluate who you have in your life if you think otherwise !!

😂

The issue here is that the OP is coping with an unexpected pregnancy and her partner is being an enormous arsehole.

How she got pregnant is frankly unimportant. Both adults have responsibility there.

OP, go have a conversation now with a gp about how your thyroid issues might affect the pregnancy.

Consider your options without reference to you partner. What do you want to do?

No matter what he says now, build a future for you and your dc without him.

How she got pregnant is frankly unimportant

Yes but the fact that he was fully aware she was using no reliable contraception and turned down her suggestions of using condoms more than once .... Means he is even more unreasonable, abusive and nasty..

Sometimes good partners and fathers end up with shitty wives you know.