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Original poster

Surprise pregnancy DP not happy at all.

137 replies

Freya81 · 09/10/2022 11:02

I'm just looking for some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have one DD who is 21 months. He is 15 years older than me and has three grown up kids from a previous marriage. I've just found out that I'm pregnant again at 41. I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception and I'd just been relying on an online fertility calculator. Obviously it wasn't that accurate as according to it, we only had sex once about 5 or 6 days before ovulation.

It came as a huge shock to discover that I was pregnant as along with my age, I also have thyroid issues. I dreaded telling DP, but finally plucked up the courage to on Friday. I thought he'd be unhappy about it, but supportive. I was wrong. Since then, I have had a barrage of criticism, that I'm a deceitful, manipulate cow who has lied to him, that I'm a useless mother to our DD (which I think is unfair and untrue as I'm absolutely devoted to and and do almost all the childcare). This morning, he has upped the intensity and although he hasn't said it outright, he is implying very strongly that I should have a termination. I'm six weeks pregnant and although I never expected this pregnany, I'm already thinking about whether DD will have a brother or sister. He is adamant that he doesn't want another child and is claiming that it will ruin our DD's life.

To make matters even worse, I'm currently financially dependent on him and I don't really have any relationship with my family, so I can't turn to them for support. I'm feeling so upset and can't strop crying so any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 09/10/2022 12:40

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 12:26

No wonder he has an ex with 3 kids.

Oh you can't say that!!! The world is chock full of lovely, adorable, super decrntwe adjusted upright divorced fathers You need to evaluate who you have in your life if you think otherwise !!

😂

🤣

thejadefish · 09/10/2022 12:46

This is awful. I agree that you need to consider all scenarios and how you'd feel. It sounds like you want the baby, in which case you might not be able to live with it if you terminated, and keeping the baby absolutely will NOT ruin DD's life. Besides an attempt at manipulation I fail to see where this came from, most people have siblings so wtf? Also not sure how your relationship would survive a) an unwanted termination that you felt pressured to have and b) his reaction particularly the fact that he's getting worse. Regarding contraception, it's never 100% reliable anyway so whilst not using it raised the stakes somewhat it might have happened anyway plus it takes two to make a baby. I know 3 ladies who fell pregnant with an IUD (all had kids already and didn't want more) plus another friend fell pregnant on the pill. It's not infallible. I don't think blame is helpful here, it's happened and the question is what next. He sounds like an arse, not only shouldering you with all of the childcare (& household chores too I wouldn't be surprised) but also leaving you responsible for contraception. Is this what you want for your life and the role model you want for your daughter? Is he likely to change? Financial dependence is a problem though, would need to look at what you can do short, medium and long term and if absolutely necessary put up with it for now whilst planning an escape route. It's a difficult situation to be in xx

User2145738790 · 09/10/2022 12:56

When will women ever ever learn that good partners and father's rarely end up divorced and availabile on the relationship market

Are divorced women and single mothers bad partners as well?

thinline · 09/10/2022 13:15

That is shocking!! He's hardly innocent in this

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 13:17

User2145738790 · 09/10/2022 12:56

When will women ever ever learn that good partners and father's rarely end up divorced and availabile on the relationship market

Are divorced women and single mothers bad partners as well?

I've answered this twice already elsewhere in the thread.

I find the general rule (with exceptiims as there are to every rule) is - divorced or separated father ... Probably asshole. Divorced or separated mother... Probably was with an asshole.

As I said, male behaviour & dysfunction plays itself out across society in mild to extrene ways. We are not and will never be like them.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 13:22

DiddlySquatSoundsHorrid · 09/10/2022 12:18

Hes a horrid, controlling toss pot OP. Im so sorry you have all of this stress.
I had the same situation many years ago. Was called every name under the sun, accused of catching him out, told that if I didn't terminate we'd split up and he'd hide all his money, I also got the "you'll ruin older siblings life". My situation was much the same as yours, no family help and pretty much financially dependant on him.
What did I do? Nothing. Absolutely fuck all. I treated him as he deserved to be treated. I didn't mention the pregnancy again. I went to early scans/appointments on my own and started to prepare for my precious baby by myself.
Once I'd started to tell friends and family i was pregnant something remarkable happened. He started to become gradually "involved". It was as if he was embarrassed to show them what a twat he was being. By the time the baby was here he was still a grumpy sod but he'd realised this was was our family now. The first few months were difficult but once DD was toddling and super excited to see daddy he became besotted as he was with our older DS. Who incidently adored his little sister and still does.
Hes now a remarkable father, the children love him and we are the perfect family from the outside.
From the inside I will never forgive him for the awful way he behaved. I got a glimpse of the real person I married and I won't forget that ever. I've learned he is not to be trusted and I will always have my own financial affairs in order (I am no longer dependent on him as I was back then). Our marriage survived because I had no where else to go. I would never rule out leaving in the future.
Sorry for the essay there OP! I was just struck with the similarities in our positions. I wish you and your DC lots of luck for your future.

This is an incredibly sad post.

And it's like women's liberation never happened and nothing changed for us.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 13:22

Hes now a remarkable father

He's a remarkable something.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 09/10/2022 13:25

Put in a claim for universal credit now, and get on the housing list. If you want this baby, you might have to do it without him, but if this is who he is then that's probably for the best.

It isn't your fault. He could have used condoms if he was deeply opposed to the idea of another child.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 13:25

silverclock222 · 09/10/2022 12:33

Sometimes good partners and fathers end up with shitty wives you know.

Show quote history

Rarely.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 13:28

the children love him

Probably wouldnt if they understood how hard he campaigned and manipulated to get the youngest one terminated.

And how much he verbally abused their Mum in the process.

At the end of the day, children are innocents. They have little judgement. Then being crazy about someone means diddly squat.

obsessedwithsleep · 09/10/2022 13:30

Your issue isn't that he isn't pleased you're pregnant, it's that he's an abusive and aggressive twat.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 13:34

Once I'd started to tell friends and family i was pregnant something remarkable happened. He started to become gradually "involved". It was as if he was embarrassed to show them what a twat he was being

It wasn't "as if" - he was embarrassed.

What's remarkable about it.

How many men would openly say to their parents, siblings, work colleagues etc.
"I wanted her to abort the kid, but she fkg wouldn't. I tried everything, called her every name under the sun and tried every argument I could think of, but she still wouldnt .... Fucking women, eh. What can I do now bit suck it up, it's either that or leave, but I can't be arsed doing my own housework, and I'd have to find a new woman for regular sex, and she'll get half the assets (if married), and she'll be taking CM off me, and I'd be pressured to have the kids on my own, and what if I don't find someone to look after me in old age etc etc. So I may just stay where I'm at and make the best of it".

millymollymoomoo · 09/10/2022 13:35

Lemondrop22- very bitter and twisted!
You’re talking nonsense

so men who divorce = scum of the earth
wondd ex n who lie, cheat, whatever and divorce - well that’s also the man’s fault

what a load of crap

anexcellentwoman · 09/10/2022 13:36

If I understand the OP's post correctly, she is 41 and he is 15 years older which makes him 56. He may well not be able to go on supporting them for another 10 years let alone 20 years.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 13:37

millymollymoomoo · 09/10/2022 13:35

Lemondrop22- very bitter and twisted!
You’re talking nonsense

so men who divorce = scum of the earth
wondd ex n who lie, cheat, whatever and divorce - well that’s also the man’s fault

what a load of crap

Do you even ... English?

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 13:38

anexcellentwoman · 09/10/2022 13:36

If I understand the OP's post correctly, she is 41 and he is 15 years older which makes him 56. He may well not be able to go on supporting them for another 10 years let alone 20 years.

Well he should've taken his 56 yr old arse in for a vasectomy... Or used the condoms op suggested

zinfanfan · 09/10/2022 14:14

Get rid of that awful man.

Keep your baby. The 3 of you will be better off without him.

LondonWolf · 09/10/2022 14:19

I really agree with your posts @LemonDrop22

You're bang on but many just don't want to hear it.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 14:33

LondonWolf · 09/10/2022 14:19

I really agree with your posts @LemonDrop22

You're bang on but many just don't want to hear it.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Suprima · 09/10/2022 14:57

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 14:33

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Show quote history

Agreed.

this is why I didn’t date dads.

I trust the judgement of their first wives or as what is usually the case- their long term 12 year girlfriends who was good enough to gestate 3 kids, but not good enough to marry

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 09/10/2022 15:02

You both knowingly had unprotected sex but yet both shocked by the outcome? Confused

I'm sorry but your both hugely at fault here. You can either do it alone as a single parent or have a termination. But both of your reactions are wrong to this, if you didn't want a baby you MUST use protection.

oviraptor21 · 09/10/2022 15:03

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 11:20

He is 15 years older than me and has three grown up kids from a previous marriage.

A divorce, even with kids involved. What a surprise.

When will women ever ever learn that good partners and father's rarely end up divorced and availabile on the relationship market.

I guess good partners and mothers never "end up divorced and availabile on the relationship market" either 🙄🤣

Liorae · 09/10/2022 15:06

I'd terminate. Children deserve to be wanted and planned by both parents.

smartwatercrumpet · 09/10/2022 15:13

Sorry to hear you're in this situation. At this point, I would go with your gut feeling on the baby. As for your partner, don't allow him to pressure you into anything. If you're bullied into a termination by someone, I don't think you can ever have a happy relationship with them going forward. Being a single parent is much preferably to being alone in a relationship, which it sounds like you are at the moment.

KosherDill · 09/10/2022 15:16

anexcellentwoman · 09/10/2022 13:36

If I understand the OP's post correctly, she is 41 and he is 15 years older which makes him 56. He may well not be able to go on supporting them for another 10 years let alone 20 years.

Yes; this is concerning.

I likely would terminate AND dump him.