Surprise pregnancy DP not happy at all.

[Freya81]

I'm just looking for some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have one DD who is 21 months. He is 15 years older than me and has three grown up kids from a previous marriage. I've just found out that I'm pregnant again at 41. I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception and I'd just been relying on an online fertility calculator. Obviously it wasn't that accurate as according to it, we only had sex once about 5 or 6 days before ovulation.

It came as a huge shock to discover that I was pregnant as along with my age, I also have thyroid issues. I dreaded telling DP, but finally plucked up the courage to on Friday. I thought he'd be unhappy about it, but supportive. I was wrong. Since then, I have had a barrage of criticism, that I'm a deceitful, manipulate cow who has lied to him, that I'm a useless mother to our DD (which I think is unfair and untrue as I'm absolutely devoted to and and do almost all the childcare). This morning, he has upped the intensity and although he hasn't said it outright, he is implying very strongly that I should have a termination. I'm six weeks pregnant and although I never expected this pregnany, I'm already thinking about whether DD will have a brother or sister. He is adamant that he doesn't want another child and is claiming that it will ruin our DD's life.

To make matters even worse, I'm currently financially dependent on him and I don't really have any relationship with my family, so I can't turn to them for support. I'm feeling so upset and can't strop crying so any thoughts would be appreciated.

This. You’ll be a single mum anyway now. You are already financially dependent on him. You need to think hard about bringing a baby into this mess.

Exactly.

And the "ruining DD"'S life" blackmail - despicable.

Me neither. I don't think I could even bear to look at someone who called me those sort of names.

Seconded. I would really want to hear the answer to this question.

I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception and I'd just been relying on an online fertility calculator.

He knew you weren't using anything but rhythm method as contraception, right?

He must have asked what you were using since he wasn't using condoms and hadn't had a vasectomy ... That would be the most basic question/check.

Thanks for all the replies. Yes, he knew I wasn't using contraception and I have even suggested using condoms to him numerous times, but he didn't like the idea. I feel like a fool as I should have been more proactive about contraception myself. We have talked about having a second child before and even though we both agreed we weren't that bothered about it, he has even said that it might be nice, which is why his reaction now hurts so much.

My gut feeling is that having a termination wouldn't be the right choice for me as I know I would regret it. I agree, I don't think the relationship can survive this. He is actually a great father to our daughter and I know he would support me in looking after her and another child, but I'm going to look into getting a part-time job ASAP and make a plan as to how I can go it alone with my daughter and another potential child. I'm so sad he has behaved like this, but I don't think I can forgive him for it.

Not necessarily. If the OP has always used contraception then it’s not a leap to have assumed she would have continued to do so after having her DD.

And if she hadn’t told him that he needed to wear condoms then the onus is definitely on her at this point.

If however they’d just agreed to chance it then it’s a different matter.

Op could've been using the pill or coil and still gotten pregnant, and he'd still be behaving like this.

Al.these men whose lives are over if their partner has the baby they impregnated then with; yet didn't have a few hours to go and get a vascetomy to prevent it.

X-posted.

Well, willingly not using contraception and then being annoyed when a baby results is, well, bloody stupid really.

I mean the man has fathered 4 children so far. Presumably he knows how this is done?

So he is 56 with four children and he's sleeping with a woman whom he knows is not using contraception, but he refuses to use a condom, then goes into a massive tantrum when the woman gets pregnant?

God knows what his IQ is.

So presumably that also applies to divorced mother's?

What a stupid comment. People get divorced for all sorts of reasons, it doesn't immediately and by default make them undateable scum.

What a misogynistic load of Rubbish! I really hope you’re not a woman spouting this crap.

If he knew he didn’t want children it’s 100% on him to ensure it can’t happen, either by using condoms or getting a vasectomy.

It was her responsibilty to tell him, it was equally his responsibility to ask.

Bit even if op had been using hormonal etc forms of contraception, they could've failed. It was uo to him to use a secondary method or get a vasectomy if a pregnancy was the disaster he is now saying it is.

When you say relied on an app do you mean he pulled out? I'm asking this because I could probably fall into the same boat if I'm not careful

Really feel for you but it takes two and he needs to take responsibility and grow up x

Exactly. What are you doing blaming yourself, unless he didn’t know you weren’t taking contraception? But even so if he is adamant that he didn’t want any more children, then he should have had a vasectomy.

Already answered that. Rtft.

And in my experience divorced and separated men pretty much always price themselves to be fuckers.

In one way or another.

Most women don't end marriages esp when they gave kids with good men. They just don't.

They don't even end then with bad men a lot of the time .

They almost always turn out to be cheaters, abusers, eternal bachelors etc. Seen it a hundred times.
Just circulating trash on the dating market.

Was it Natural Cycles?

*prove themselves

Yes, he knew I wasn't using contraception and I have even suggested using condoms to him numerous times, but he didn't like the idea

OMFG he is such a c*nt and bastard.

Are all bridges burnt with your family? Could you contact them and sound them out.They may be sympathetic to your plight.If not Womens Aid will help you.He sounds deeply unpleasant .However he may come round in time .If you feel the RL is over then many women would want to come away from their DH if he behaved so badly.Its not your fault OP

I mean, there is a scenario where he has the right to be a bit pissed off if you have said ‘all is fine’. Cycle tracking is great- but sounds like you were just shoving your period dates in a calculator and hoping for the best rather than temperature checking, monitoring cervical mucus, etc. It’s an absolute art to do properly. I got pregnant my 4th month of using it as contraception (sadly ended in MC) and although I understand the mistakes I made now, I genuinely thought I had tracked perfectly.

HOWEVER- what you describe isn’t normal frustration or worry at an unplanned pregnancy, it’s abusive and manipulative.

But that’s by the by- your relationship is dead. He has obviously shown his true colours now.

I’d keep my baby and lose him tbh.

I bet he thought you were "past it".

I know a lot of men who think a women over 40 are infertile.

That's not even mentioning the 35 cliff myth.

He's an idiot as well as a nasty piece of work.

I'd call his bluff. Be cold and hard and say "I'm not terminating, do with that what you will, leave if you want to, not sure I want you around anyway after everything you've said". I know some will say that's easy for someone not involved to say but I have been a single mother with minimal support from my children's father since they were 2 & 5. It's been hard but wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing.

Well maybe you need to evaluate the kind of people you allow in your life then, because I know multiple divorced men who are all lovely people, several in completely happy and healthy new relationships while still being suitably involved in their other children's lives. Maybe you just have shit people in your life?

However he may come round in time

It's not desirable to have a man who's called you a liar and a bad mother (when you're not) and tried to emotionally backmail you about "ruining" your existing child's life.

That is next level nastiness and abuse. That says a lot about his character.

That's not even getting onto being aware you are your partner are not using reliable contraception, turning down your partner's suggestion tomuse condoms and then behaving like this about an unplanned pregnancy.