Surprise pregnancy DP not happy at all.

[Freya81]

I'm just looking for some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have one DD who is 21 months. He is 15 years older than me and has three grown up kids from a previous marriage. I've just found out that I'm pregnant again at 41. I blame myself as we hadn't been using contraception and I'd just been relying on an online fertility calculator. Obviously it wasn't that accurate as according to it, we only had sex once about 5 or 6 days before ovulation.

It came as a huge shock to discover that I was pregnant as along with my age, I also have thyroid issues. I dreaded telling DP, but finally plucked up the courage to on Friday. I thought he'd be unhappy about it, but supportive. I was wrong. Since then, I have had a barrage of criticism, that I'm a deceitful, manipulate cow who has lied to him, that I'm a useless mother to our DD (which I think is unfair and untrue as I'm absolutely devoted to and and do almost all the childcare). This morning, he has upped the intensity and although he hasn't said it outright, he is implying very strongly that I should have a termination. I'm six weeks pregnant and although I never expected this pregnany, I'm already thinking about whether DD will have a brother or sister. He is adamant that he doesn't want another child and is claiming that it will ruin our DD's life.

To make matters even worse, I'm currently financially dependent on him and I don't really have any relationship with my family, so I can't turn to them for support. I'm feeling so upset and can't strop crying so any thoughts would be appreciated.

Listen I'm not writing the same response to that 15 times, already done it twice if you read the thread.

Women and men are not biologically, mentally, socially, "evolutionaryarily" etc the same.

In my experience, when a marriage with kids has broken down, it has been 90 plus per cent the result of cheating by the man, addiction by the man, unreasonable behaviour, selfishness and "married bachelor" behaviour by the man, hobby widowhood by the man, abuse by the man etc.etc.

In this case, I don't know anything about his general behaviour but in this situation he is irresponsible, beyond unreasonable, ABUSIVE, nasty and cruel, manipulative etc.

That doesn't come out of nowhere

If the only children born were those planned and wanted by both parents, wed be suffering a world population crisis.

If the only children born were those planned and wanted by both parents, wed be suffering a world population crisis.

Nonsense. We'd all be far better off.

We are.
There's over 8 billion of us.

Two loving parents might be better than one, but it doesn't follow that those unfortunate not to have that are better off not existing and won't bring any good to the world.

Yeah that's exactly the type of population crisis I was referring to. There only is one.

That viewpoint seems psychopathic.

The risks of a baby with additional needs to older mothers is well documented. The risks for a baby with an older father is significant as well
'After controlling for other factors such as maternal age, parental psychiatric history, socioeconomic status and complications during pregnancy, men older than 50 still have 2.2 times the risk of fathering a child with autism compared with men under age 30. For those older than 55, that risk doubles.'
The OP may decide to go through with the pregnancy, as advised by so many posters, but she should be aware of the risks to her baby

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7803514/

@Freya81 Do research the effects of paternal age on offspring before making your decision.

I think some posters on here are so good at advising the OP to keep the baby . They are clearly very pro life which is fair enough but they won't be there if the poster has problems once the baby is born.

I feel really sorry that you’ve been scarred by such arseholes. At least that’s how it comes across. Not all men are like that.

He's an arse.
Man nearly 60 doesn't want kids can easily get the snip but wants to blame her.

If neither of you were actively using contraception then I don't see how it's only your fault to be pregnant.
He sounds very insensitive, as a grown adult he surely understands that pregnancy is a possible outcome if you ejaculate into fertile woman.
He sounds a mean piece of work.

But if the OP has the baby she will shoulder the burden. Not posters on here who are so quick to judge and condemn.
I remember Cecil Parkinson, who had a baby with his older secretary. She didn't want an abortion and went ahead with the baby and Cecil P promised his wife that he would pay CMS but never see the baby.
Both Cecil and his mistress, Sarah Keays died but the baby grew up with significant learning disabilities.
She has learning disabilities and Asperger syndrome, and had an operation to remove a brain tumour when she was four.
Some posters on here are not responsible with their advice to the OP

That would be my fear. To produce a second child at 42 as a lone parent would be difficult; disabilities would increase the difficulties exponentially: emotionally, financially, logistically.

Personally I couldn't do it alone and I would wonder about the effect on the existing child of having mother's energy and attention stretched so thin. And who is going to take care of the children if something happens to the mother?

Even if he were an involved father, to saddle a child with a man who will be 77 when she is 20 seems off. What if she felt obliged to use up her youth caring for him?

Your perception is incorrect.

That poster's partner's behaviour during the pregnancy speaks for itself.
She had never forgotten it and does not feel the same way about him, but sadly is still with him.

His motivations for staying, in spite of his lack of success in coercing the termination of his youngest child, are not very difficult to imagine.

Exactly @KosherDill . I think many posters on here are so irresponsible. There are many keyboard champions of the OP, busy encouraging her to have the baby ,without mentioning the potential consequences to the OP of a baby born to much older parents.

Even if he were an involved father, to saddle a child with a man who will be 77 when she is 20 seems off. What if she felt obliged to use up her youth caring for him?

You're forgetting op is nearly 15 years younger than him.

If he was that bothered he would have got the snip.

There are many keyboard champions of the OP, busy encouraging her to have the baby

I haven't seen one person who a keyboard champion "busy encouraging op to have the baby" - what are you on about lol

Op is being coerced into an abortion, if she was happy with one, she wouldn't have made the thread.

Most posters are just angry and outraged on her behalf that her partner, equally responsiblemfor the pregnancy, is coercing her and ABUSING her significantly while doing so.

I have sdud she should think long and hard about continuing the relationship, whether she continues the pregnancy or not, and many other posters have been of a similar opinion.

Why are you blaming yourself? He wasn’t using contraception either was he? As for the name calling and him trying to bully you into having an abortion, that is completely unacceptable and I would rather live in poverty in a refuge than with such a pig of a man quite honestly.

And while I have no skin in the game whatsoever on whether op continues the pregnancy or not, I'd also just like to like out that you've posted about autism and disabilities and highlighted an unfortunate case, as though that is the only outcome. Whereas I know two couples off the top of my head for whom that was not the outcome. So it seems like you have quite a agenda yourself and ignore anything that doesn't conform to it.

There are two issues. Ending the relationship altogether and then secondly having a baby with a significantly higher risk of problems .
@LemonDrop22 can 'lol' as she puts it to her heart's content but it won't help the OP cope with a baby that has a higher than normal chance of problems

Why are you @ IMG me and then referring to me in the third person?

Do you not understand the basics of posting?

I think you can rest assured that you have made the op aware of the risks of continuing the pregnancy (and with your selected, negative case but no balancing casebor cases) with all the subtlety of an elephant being dropped from a great height.