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Original poster

He's not interested, is he?

112 replies

talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 12:00

I am posting a new thread for traffic

I went on a second date with a guy last Tuesday. It was fun, he said he had a nice time, and he made a passing remark when paying for the bill that I can get the next drinks. We have been in touch most days since then. He was taking a day to come back to me, as he was away for work earlier in the week, but we have averaged a message back and forth once a day. That's fine. I felt a bit sad and frustrated (see my thread below), but I kinda came to understand, as I often travel for work and have a demanding job too. He got back the other day, said his trip was brutal, and his messages have been longer, and more engaging, and he asked for some photos of me from an event I went to. But he hasn't asked me out again. It's hard to know if he's interested or not. My gut tells me no, but I wonder if he's just busy? I don't want to ask him as I asked about the second date. It's Friday - I was hoping he would have asked me out by now for the weekend.

My previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4647459-dating-new-guy

OP posts:
Dyawannafeelhowitfeels · 07/10/2022 12:13

Was it 2 dates or 3? Your other thread says 3.

I don’t know OP, it’s all a bit anxiety inducing and stressful isn’t it. Dating is meant to be fun. I suppose he’s interested in that he will go on dates with you, but not necessarily invested if that makes sense? Do you always feel like this when you date? How old are you?

it seems you’re going round in circles: he’s not interested because he hasn’t replied > ooh he’s replied he’s interested > ooh but he hasn’t asked me out again, he’s not interested > but he wouldn’t text me if he wasn’t interested > but he didn’t text me when he was away with work so he can’t be interested > but it was work and he was probably busy.

Would It be the end of the world if he wasn’t interested? Would you lose any worth? You don’t really know him after 2 (3?) dates.

RandomMusings7 · 07/10/2022 12:15

I wouldn't give up on him just yet. Maybe he was just overwhelmed by the trip and other stuff. I would give him a couple more days to ask you out.

But if you were the one to ask for the 2nd date definitely do not ask him out again. Ball is firmly in his court.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 12:16

Thanks for replying Dyawannafeelhowitfeels

We went on date 2 last week. You're right - maybe he isn't invested, and merely keeping me as a possible option.

No, I am not usually like this to be honest. Not so early on either.

Usually interested guys ask me out straight away. This is why I am finding this guy odd. And I think I like him which is why I have been continuing with the msgs.

I don't know if I am being impatient, we are older, and have demanding jobs, so maybe a slower pace is to be expected. I don't mind one msg a day, but he hasn't asked or show any interest in meeting again. I keep making excuses, like he's busy, but we are all busy.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 07/10/2022 12:18

He doesn’t sound right for you. Christ, if he’s like this now is there any point pursuing?
Chuck him on the back burner and look for someone that isn’t as high maintenance/sucking the life out of you.
If you are interested in someone you make time. It takes a minute to send a message.

Dyawannafeelhowitfeels · 07/10/2022 12:19

talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 12:16

Thanks for replying Dyawannafeelhowitfeels

We went on date 2 last week. You're right - maybe he isn't invested, and merely keeping me as a possible option.

No, I am not usually like this to be honest. Not so early on either.

Usually interested guys ask me out straight away. This is why I am finding this guy odd. And I think I like him which is why I have been continuing with the msgs.

I don't know if I am being impatient, we are older, and have demanding jobs, so maybe a slower pace is to be expected. I don't mind one msg a day, but he hasn't asked or show any interest in meeting again. I keep making excuses, like he's busy, but we are all busy.

I don’t mean to criticise but he's been on WhatsApp but hasn't read or replied to my message for a couple of hours - it’s not healthy that you are consumed by whether he’s online or not and whether he’s replied after a few hours! And you’ve built yourself up from that into this anxiety state.

I also think it’s unlikely you “like” him after 2 dates. You might think he’s attractive or a nice person to be around, but you can’t have any feelings after 2 dates, come on.

but he hasn't asked or show any interest in meeting again - so take control? Either ask him again (if you like him and want to meet him) or stop messaging (if you don’t want to put in effort where he’s putting none)

is this online dating by any chance?

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 12:22

Dyawannafeelhowitfeels Yes online

OP posts:
Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 12:23

Suzi888 Good points

OP posts:
LivingMyBestLie · 07/10/2022 12:36

I think your instincts are probably right.

Even when he's away with work, if he was interested he'd be securing a future date. Or wishing you a good day. Or writing a long message before bed each day. You'd be on his mind.

It's ok, it's no refection on you, maybe he's just not ready for a relationship.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 12:48

So he's replied just now, saying he wants to learn more about my experience at the event. And he's definitely perked up, adding smileys to his msgs. So I may just bite the bullet and say 'well shall we meet this weekend and i can tell you all about it'. I'm reluctant to....but he's just not getting it.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 07/10/2022 12:53

talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 12:48

So he's replied just now, saying he wants to learn more about my experience at the event. And he's definitely perked up, adding smileys to his msgs. So I may just bite the bullet and say 'well shall we meet this weekend and i can tell you all about it'. I'm reluctant to....but he's just not getting it.

If this was me - I would send that response because I’d want to provoke a reaction.
if it’s a no and he’s wasting my time I’d want to know asap not keep playing text penpal which is feeding his ego and keeping him amused.

so whilst I too normally wait - when it’s situations like this I’m all for, ‘do you want to meet up again or not?’ as better to pull it to the surface that ignore the fact that he’s not arranging a date 3

Naimee87 · 07/10/2022 12:56

Send him a msg about the weekend! So much gets lost/wrongly interpreted through text-speak. I had to learn to relax a bit when messaging the nice man i’m seeing. He works a demanding physical job and i work a seriously dull admin one so can easily be on my phone. Whenever longer periods of time went by between texting it was all to do with his work. So sounds similar to this man?

I do think the interested vs invested comment is really interesting. Not heard that before…

RandomMusings7 · 07/10/2022 13:02

When you pursue a man who is not 100% into you and obviously ambivalent, most of the time they won't say no. They'll eat the meal when it's right in front of them, even if it's not their favourite dish. You won't get rejected on the spot, instead you'll be used and discarded once he gets bored or finds someone he likes better.

It's a dangerous game to play.
Plus, if you're always the one initiating dates you'll never be truly sure that he's really into you and not just being dragged along for lack of options.

I say don't do it.

I've done OLD for 3 years. It never ends well to pursue someone who is blowing hot and cold.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 13:12

RandomMusings7 This is what I am worried about...

OP posts:
madasawethen · 07/10/2022 13:12

RandomMusings7 · 07/10/2022 13:02

When you pursue a man who is not 100% into you and obviously ambivalent, most of the time they won't say no. They'll eat the meal when it's right in front of them, even if it's not their favourite dish. You won't get rejected on the spot, instead you'll be used and discarded once he gets bored or finds someone he likes better.

It's a dangerous game to play.
Plus, if you're always the one initiating dates you'll never be truly sure that he's really into you and not just being dragged along for lack of options.

I say don't do it.

I've done OLD for 3 years. It never ends well to pursue someone who is blowing hot and cold.

This 100%.
He's perked up because the weekend is coming up and he's hoping sex will be on the table for date 3.
Guys who pretty much ignore you during the week and suddenly remember you exist when they want to meet up are just users.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 13:13

So what are my next steps? Shall I not reply to his last msgs? And see if he follows up and asks me out? Then I can reply?

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 07/10/2022 13:16

Do answer him, but don't suggest meeting up. Let him arrange it if he wants. Just make conversation as usual, but don't drop any hints about any more dates

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 13:28

RandomMusings7 Thanks a lot of what you say I agree with and makes sense

He was into me before, we were messaging and speaking on the phone. I tried to brush him off from meeting initially, as I cancelled a few times, but he did so more than me, due to work. But he pleaded with me to give him another chance, like really pleaded. He was very busy, and I thought he was being flaky.

Just now, he had every chance to say 'i want to learn more about your event - when are you free to meet?'

He's clearly withholding.

Ok I'll continue with the messages, but it's just getting annoying - I don't want a penpal.

OP posts:
madasawethen · 07/10/2022 13:33

What to do?
Talk to other guys and go on dates with them.

Aggypanthus · 07/10/2022 13:35

If he is giving you anxiety of sorts now at this early stage then I would say block and move on

Oopsiedaisyy · 07/10/2022 13:35

I'd say, "sure happy to discuss some time"

And he should say, lets meet....

Whynowffs · 07/10/2022 13:40

I've been in a similar position and didn't want to waste any more of my time or headspace worrying about it so I just asked him when he was free.
In your shoes now I'd be inclined to ask if he wants to meet this weekend, you'll know one way or another then. You should be able to gauge on the date/following it whether he is really interested or just being a dick.

concernedalot · 07/10/2022 13:46

I would make other plans for this weekend and not wait on this guy, he's got you in a headspin by throwing you crumbs with no commitment/genuine interest. Nothing should be this anxiety inducing. Just think, you could meet a different man instead who doesn't make you want to post on a forum for advice. Then Mr Flaky Busy Job will just have to get on with it.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 13:49

That's true concernedalot

OP posts:
NicLondon1 · 07/10/2022 13:51

I HATED these kinds of men in my dating days.... they always ended up being heartbreakers. All I can say is, my husband was the first guy I met who just replied immediately, was clearly interested and it was all very straightforward. He'd line up the next date quickly and we were pretty much inseperable from early on. None of this 'keeping you hanging' business.... so beware.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 13:53

NicLondon1 my concern too...and probably why this guy has been single a while.

OP posts:
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