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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating new guy

58 replies

talktalk12 · 03/10/2022 20:44

I have been on three dates with a guy I really, really like. He can be very slow replying to texts, but other times quick. We haven't talked all weekend, and he is travelling today and tomorrow. I sent him a funny message tonight, and he's been on WhatsApp but hasn't read or replied to my message for a couple of hours. Is this a sign he's not that hot for me? I become anxious around people I really like. So not sure - should I be worried or not?

OP posts:
ScabbyHorse · 03/10/2022 20:51

I was with a guy like this recently...well for three years but we split up recently. I always hated it and he did try and change but it depends whether you can put up with it or not. I don't think it always means they're not interested. But it could signal a lack of empathy if you have explained how it makes you feel. Also he might be messaging and seeing other people.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 04/10/2022 16:16

He still hasn’t read my msg or responded. It’s been nearly 24 hours.

I get he’s travelling for work, and back tonight, but I didn’t propose marriage - I sent a funny link. If he was interested I’m sure he would have taken 2 mins to reply with ‘haha away at no but let you know when I’m back’

It’s not my anxiety is it? He’s not exactly keen, is he?

OP posts:
OhHenry · 04/10/2022 16:50

@talktalk12

I feel your pain Op

I have a similar situation.

I recently went on a date with a guy who reads my messages and doesn't
Reply for a few days or else like your
leaves them unread for a day!

He is not from the UK and has now returned to his home country.

I decided to mirror his behaviour and he doesn't seem to like it.

So I read a few of his messages and didn't reply, so he sent a few more.

And has now sent me a message saying that 'he hopes I haven't ghosted him for someone more handsome'

To anyone reading, is this a red flag?! I'm a little out of practice with dating!

Sorry to hijack your thread but I think you should mirror his behaviour for a while. Take a long time to reply or don't read them for ages!

I would keep your cards close to your chest for now and don't act too keen...act busy even if you aren't lol!

Could be his communication style is like that though, doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested!

Watchkeys · 04/10/2022 16:50

You're worrying about worrying.

I used to think I got anxious around people I liked, until I realised I got anxious around people I liked that I wasn't compatible with. A compatible partner will like to be in touch on a similar schedule to you. Drop things that make you anxious. I mean, obviously, things like exams and driving tests and job interviews are necessities, but in terms of relationships, if you're anxious, you're not happy.

This is how this relationship makes you feel, so, unless this is how you want to feel, leave this relationship.

should I be worried or not

There are no 'shoulds'. If you're worried, you're worried. Respect that, and respond accordingly. Feelings are signposts, not pesky obstacles. Follow them.

Watchkeys · 04/10/2022 16:52

Could be his communication style is like that though, doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested

But do you want a relationship with someone who wants to be with you, but leaves you dangling, communication-wise? Whether he's interested isn't the point: Are you interested in him, and the way he's communicating with you? Do you like it? Do you enjoy it? If not, why endure it, just because he likes you?

Original poster
talktalk12 · 04/10/2022 17:09

Watchkeys if I knew he liked me, I’m ok with no constant messaging
I stopped messaging him over weekend as I couldn’t be bothered with carrying on
But in the early stages you think he’d be keen..and not leave it 24 hours to reply to a quick message… that I don’t like.

OP posts:
OhHenry · 04/10/2022 17:20

@talktalk12 -,I understand why it makes you anxious as I am the same.

I think if I were you when he responds leave It just as long as he did, or don't respond.

Don't reply quickly to his messages if he isn't replying quickly to you!

Might just be his way of things though

OhHenry · 04/10/2022 17:37

I also think @Watchkeys makes some excellent points.

Watchkeys · 04/10/2022 17:38

if I knew he liked me, I’m ok with no constant messaging

But the reality is, you don't know, because he doesn't constantly communicate. The reality is that he's already not giving you what you want.

But in the early stages you think he’d be keen

If this is what you think should be happening, then he's not doing what he should, according to your own rhetoric. If you met someone who communicated the right things to you in the right way, you wouldn't be on a forum asking strangers about him. You're here because he's already not up to our standards, and you don't realise that the thing to do in that situation is to walk away, rather than trying to 'work out' what's going on. In healthy relationships, there's nothing to work out. You have a query, you feel comfortable to ask your partner, and they care about giving you an answer that makes you feel better. No forum required.

Robertplantgoddess · 04/10/2022 17:41

But he hasnt read it yet so he can't respond to something he hasnt seen?

OhHenry · 04/10/2022 17:41

@Watchkeys - very true!

@talktalk12 - your communication style doesn't match his, it's making you anxious. So for your own mental health it's probably better to avoid and go for someone who matches your communication style,

I'm a joke saying this though as I often feel like you do and always find myself getting worked up over almost identical situations to this

OhHenry · 04/10/2022 17:42

@Robertplantgoddess - I think it is frustrating @talktalk12 because he is online so could read it if he wanted to! It's not like he hasn't been online at all.

Robertplantgoddess · 04/10/2022 17:44

Ahh ok. That makes sense. But i totally would be annoyed if he had read it and hadnt answered

Robertplantgoddess · 04/10/2022 17:46

But how do you know someone is online? I know WhatsApp says online vuti always presumed that was just on the Internet not WhatsApp specifically.
Mind you im not overly online savvy.

Laurdo · 04/10/2022 17:49

OhHenry · 04/10/2022 16:50

@talktalk12

I feel your pain Op

I have a similar situation.

I recently went on a date with a guy who reads my messages and doesn't
Reply for a few days or else like your
leaves them unread for a day!

He is not from the UK and has now returned to his home country.

I decided to mirror his behaviour and he doesn't seem to like it.

So I read a few of his messages and didn't reply, so he sent a few more.

And has now sent me a message saying that 'he hopes I haven't ghosted him for someone more handsome'

To anyone reading, is this a red flag?! I'm a little out of practice with dating!

Sorry to hijack your thread but I think you should mirror his behaviour for a while. Take a long time to reply or don't read them for ages!

I would keep your cards close to your chest for now and don't act too keen...act busy even if you aren't lol!

Could be his communication style is like that though, doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested!

@ohhenry I'd definitely ditch him. He likes to keep you hanging but it's not acceptable when you do it to him. Double standards. He sounds quite controlling.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 04/10/2022 17:50

No reply for 24 hours. That’s not the sign of a guy with any interest.

OP posts:
OhHenry · 04/10/2022 17:50

@Robertplantgoddess - with what's app you can see if a person is online. So I guess if someone is online but not responding to your message, they will have seen you have sent them a message.

However op @talktalk12 , he might want to send a witty, funny, thoughtful message back but didn't have time, so is leaving it unread until he has time to send a good reply.

He may be online quickly to send quick responses to people he is just friends/family with so not invested in dating them etc/isn't putting care into his responses

Sunnytwobridges · 04/10/2022 17:57

I'm a woman, and will admit that when I start taking a long time to reply to a text or read and not reply, I'm losing interest. Especially at the very beginning of a relationship.

OhHenry · 04/10/2022 17:57

@Laurdo - thanks for your reply.

I don't get the 'I hope your not ghosting me because you found a more handsome lad'

If he doesn't want me to ghost don't leave me hanging for two days.

However he did say 'sorry for the late reply I've been swamped with work'

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 04/10/2022 17:57

I used to think I got anxious around people I liked, until I realised I got anxious around people I liked that I wasn't compatible with.

This is bloody brilliant @Watchkeys. In a nutshell, everything that was wrong with how my friends and I related to guys when we were growing up and into our early 20s. It's as simple as this.

Watchkeys · 04/10/2022 18:01

However op @talktalk12 , he might want to send a witty, funny, thoughtful message back but didn't have time, so is leaving it unread until he has time to send a good reply

But so what? 'Wait there for me, until I can be entertaining!' is hardly a good advert for him.

PaperPalace · 04/10/2022 18:01

I'm not a constant texter and wouldn't be worried if he didn't reply for a few hours. I think 24 hours is pushing it though! It could be that he's not that interested.

DropOfffArtiste · 04/10/2022 18:14

You say you really like him, but you've only been on 3 dates so you barely know him. If his communication style is making you anxious then you are not enjoying the dating process, so you are not compatible and you don't "like" the experience of dating him.

OhHenry · 04/10/2022 18:17

@Watchkeys - that's also true. I just meant he might want to make a good impression because he likes her, so wants to reply when he has the proper time!

But yes 24 hours could be pushing it a little!

OhHenry · 04/10/2022 18:34

Also,

I hate the way men don't ponder/have angst over any of this!

Why is it always women?

I genuinely wish I could become completely emotionally detached/cold about stuff like this!

Anyone any tips on how to do this?! lol

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