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Original poster

He's not interested, is he?

112 replies

talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 12:00

I am posting a new thread for traffic

I went on a second date with a guy last Tuesday. It was fun, he said he had a nice time, and he made a passing remark when paying for the bill that I can get the next drinks. We have been in touch most days since then. He was taking a day to come back to me, as he was away for work earlier in the week, but we have averaged a message back and forth once a day. That's fine. I felt a bit sad and frustrated (see my thread below), but I kinda came to understand, as I often travel for work and have a demanding job too. He got back the other day, said his trip was brutal, and his messages have been longer, and more engaging, and he asked for some photos of me from an event I went to. But he hasn't asked me out again. It's hard to know if he's interested or not. My gut tells me no, but I wonder if he's just busy? I don't want to ask him as I asked about the second date. It's Friday - I was hoping he would have asked me out by now for the weekend.

My previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4647459-dating-new-guy

OP posts:
TheSheerCheekOfSomePeople · 07/10/2022 15:05

Men are socialised to be pursuers in dating.

And yet even so not all are. My husband very much wasn't. And yet after the initial hump to get over... (no pun intended).

Some are socially anxious, neurodiverse, shy, introvert, have been hurt badly in the past and are very unsure now, or are new to OLD. And yet can make great partners with the right match. I'm not saying my husband is any of these things, some people just aren't natural pursuers.

I would recommend you don't go for someone who is all of the above at once however, that would be a bit much.🙃

Dyawannafeelhowitfeels · 07/10/2022 15:05

TheSheerCheekOfSomePeople · 07/10/2022 14:59

Is the advice from the "experienced daters" all that useful when dealing with individuals whose circumstances and personalities they don't know (your potential beau)? After all, if they were that successful with their dating they wouldn't BE "experienced daters" would they?

I do agree that you shouldn't appear to be too needy or start sending 2 or 3 texts a day however. If he really is just busy with work and knackered from a "brutal" work trip, then you will put him off. Play it coolish but don't play games either. See how it's going in a week or a fortnight. If it's not back on track by that point, bin him off then Wink

Well experienced daters are experienced daters because they’ve put up with shit like this from men and had to do the similar mental gymnastics to explain it away! It’s not about success, it’s about experience.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 15:08

I get it about busy and demanding jobs because I have one and I do totally totally get it

I don’t want to be constantly messaging all day long - I’m often away at meetings, travelling etc

But he could say that - enjoyed last week, I’m busy this week, but maybe let’s meet next week when things calm down

I won’t give it another week or two as that will have been 3 weeks since second date and that will show

OP posts:
Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 15:09

That will show he’s not interested

I’ve sent him some replies - and unless he asks me out again, I’m not going to respond anymore

OP posts:
forgotoldusername · 07/10/2022 15:13

@Dyawannafeelhowitfeels "experienced daters" (I used that expression) had to go through all the heartache at the beginning until we saw the light. Now I'm with someone and things are very very positive but I'll never forget the initial issues I had. That's why I want to help with my advice - of course people are different but at the same time there are patterns of behaviour. Human nature is more homogenous than people think. In my opinion this guy is keeping OP as an option - 1 message a day is 1-2 minutes a day and he might get some sex while he continues dating/waits for the perfect match for him.

This doesn't mean that OP is not loveable or there's something wrong with her (or with any of us who had to go through this until we learnt our lesson), it simply means that there wasn't that magic and special thing between them. Full stop.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 15:16

forgotoldusername This helps - and makes me want to write him off completely now. When I told him before we shouldn’t meet, as he seemed busy and flakey, and I was interested only in serious dating, he literally pleaded with me to meet him and give him a chance. He said he wanted to meet someone and settle down. He’s mid 40s. I decided to give it a go. all of his friends are married with kids. He’s the single one and has been for years. Now I’m thinking he enjoys the single life too much , and no woman will live up to what he is looking for. Even tho I didn’t get player vibes off him.

OP posts:
forgotoldusername · 07/10/2022 15:18

@talktalk12 go back online and chat to as many potentials as you can. You might meet someone so special that mr flaky gets forgotten very quickly. Strange thing with OLD, but meeting someone who makes you feel really special means you quickly forget previous flaky men ...good luck!!

Thereisnolight · 07/10/2022 15:30

Ask him if he wants to meet and set a firm date for a meeting.

Don’t sleep with him unless you reallly want to and you’re happy for it to be casual. Otherwise hold off until you know where things are going.

Don’t “play it cool” and pretend to be more chilled than you are (although be reasonable and aware if you’re significantly more neurotic than most people and do tone it down in that case). But don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Be yourself and if he doesn’t like it it’s best to know early and not waste your time. Someone out there will be a match for you.

Keep chatting to other potential dates until you find someone who’s a good match and who thinks the same.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 15:38

I sent him the prompt - happy to tell you about the event offline etc. That gives him a nudge, without asking him out direct.

My instincts are usually right, but I keep swaying on this one. His msgs are engaging and he asks questions, asked for a picture, etc. I don't think many guys would be that engaged if they weren't interested at all. But he's just not asking me out. So that's why I am confused. The consensus on here is that he's likely not interested, so I will go with that. If he doesn't ask me out in the next msg, I won't reply. I didn't respond to one of his msgs last week, as I was so busy, and he followed up, so he is capable.

OP posts:
Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 15:39

Thanks to everyone who has posted
this has been so helpful
I will report back

OP posts:
Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 15:53

Also I have bad PMS and a big deadline at work, so that's why I have been more anxious this week than I normally would ever be!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/10/2022 16:16

You wouldn't be confused if he was really into you.

He's not.

Purpledaze77 · 07/10/2022 17:01

There are so many time wasters like this op. He should be thinking about you constantly and excited to see you as soon as possible.
he might meet up with you but you’ll be asking him on dates for the foreseeable future and be making all the effort.
There’s likely a reason he’s single mid 40s when he’s so desirable and there’s a reason he’s not successful on the Apps!
Throw him back

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 17:15

Thanks Purpledaze77 good points

OP posts:
Dyawannafeelhowitfeels · 07/10/2022 17:23

Has he replied @talktalk12 ?

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 17:35

Dyawannafeelhowitfeels not yet. We do take a long time to get back together - demanding jobs etc
I’ll let you know when I do
Pls talk me out of messaging him if he continues to be engaging and not asking me out!!

OP posts:
Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 17:38

Get back to one another*

OP posts:
AccountDeactivated · 07/10/2022 17:43

One thread per date? Relax, enjoy life, find multiple blokes to date as you weed through the trash. If you find yourself analysing a bloke that’s your clue to move on.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 17:44

AccountDeactivated Good advice

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 07/10/2022 17:46

Of course he's not intetested. Stop listening to what he says (words come easily and can be insincere) and look at what he does i.e. very little. Just stop hoping for crumbs, that's all he is offering you.

AccountDeactivated · 07/10/2022 17:50

Imagine a male dominated forum where men type out long assessments of a woman’s words, online status, implied or not implied suggestions 😂
Exactly.

They’re out messaging women by the dozen, blasting genital photos everywhere, dating anyone who’ll accept. There’s not going to be a good selection of males your age (I.e. they’re all either married, or divorced and having a crisis, or so shit no one wanted them to begin with) so wade through them more efficiently.

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 17:51

AccountDeactivated I laughed out loud at your post haha thanks for the laugh. You're right. I went through thousands and thousands of likes from men on the app, and this guy made a shortlist. He's the only one who materalised. I need to find time to go through thousands more profiles....

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 07/10/2022 17:58

You can ask him to take you to the theatre or cinema or whatever, he will either make his excuses or you get another date, one way or the other you will know. I hate being kept dangling

Dyawannafeelhowitfeels · 07/10/2022 18:28

talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 17:35

Dyawannafeelhowitfeels not yet. We do take a long time to get back together - demanding jobs etc
I’ll let you know when I do
Pls talk me out of messaging him if he continues to be engaging and not asking me out!!

But OP you replied almost immediately to his message didn’t you - he text you around 1230 and you’d replied by 3… I say that was really quick!

Original poster
talktalk12 · 07/10/2022 18:31

Dyawannafeelhowitfeels yes this time I did. Because I am trying to bring this to a close now. Before, and over the past few weeks, I've been looking back past msgs, it's definitely been at least 12-24 hours from my side. Few times I didn't reply at all and he followed up. But since last week, I have been expecting more...because we have met twice and I liked him.

OP posts:
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