He's not interested, is he?

[talktalk12]

I am posting a new thread for traffic

I went on a second date with a guy last Tuesday. It was fun, he said he had a nice time, and he made a passing remark when paying for the bill that I can get the next drinks. We have been in touch most days since then. He was taking a day to come back to me, as he was away for work earlier in the week, but we have averaged a message back and forth once a day. That's fine. I felt a bit sad and frustrated (see my thread below), but I kinda came to understand, as I often travel for work and have a demanding job too. He got back the other day, said his trip was brutal, and his messages have been longer, and more engaging, and he asked for some photos of me from an event I went to. But he hasn't asked me out again. It's hard to know if he's interested or not. My gut tells me no, but I wonder if he's just busy? I don't want to ask him as I asked about the second date. It's Friday - I was hoping he would have asked me out by now for the weekend.

My previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4647459-dating-new-guy

Imo navigating the early days is a minefield! Unless there are def red flags or The Ick be patient! My now dh got it wrong at one point - then he clicked that scenario wasn't me and moved on. Been together 10 years now. Especially messaging gives so much scope for misinterpretation and misunderstandings.

It’s Friday. Why hasn’t he said, what are you up to this weekend? Easy way in. I think you’re right that he’s not that interested.

Having said that, if you want to know one way or another, ask him what he’s doing this weekend and gauge his response.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood How did he get it wrong?

Backtoreality22
It’s Friday. Why hasn’t he said, what are you up to this weekend? Easy way in. I think you’re right that he’s not that interested.

Exactly.

If he was interested you would know.
Men don't leave that ambiguous, because they know someone else can snap you up in seconds. They don't want to be usurped by other men, they are highly competitive by nature.

In the early weeks I had mentioned I was having a long soak in the bath. He asked for pics. I sent one of the taps. He sent laughing emoji's. He never asked again. When quizzed he said he thought everyone was supposed to want to send /receive pics but that wasn't him either!

His msgs show he’s interested esp yday and today
But he’s just not asking me out again 🤷‍♀️

He probably enjoys being single, because he can keep women on the line like this.

When I met DP I knew from beginning he was interested. He initiated all the initial dates, he rang me most days, text everyday from the beginning. I didn’t feel anxious at all. He was invested It just flowed. It was easy

The only times I’ve stressed about reply times or whether someone was interested were times I was fucked around. Sure, those guys would eventually text me back, go for drinks with me, chat when they wanted - but it never moved passed that.

don’t ask to meet up, don’t drop hints, reply if you want but I’d start talking to other men if you’re wanting a relationship. how many times is his work going to stop him being able to interact with you

Dyawannafeelhowitfeels yes that’s how it was with my two ex boyfriends. constantly messaging - but more importantly firm, fixed plans.

this guy said he hardly gets any interest on the dating apps. he knows it’s not the case for me.

he did say he’s crap at dating but I don’t know what he mean by that.

he doesn’t strike me as a player but I guess you never know.

he’s mid 40s and previously said he wants to seriously date.

F

He may be thinking the same about you, if you wanted to see him you'd have asked. Just ask him when he's free to meet.

That's just so naive. Men are socialised to be pursuers in dating. They don't hang by the phone waiting for you to call or text. It's just not how it works 99% of the time.

And this guy has already been given the green flag to pursue when she asked him on a second date. What more encouragement does he need? For her to put down a red carpet for him?

this guy said he hardly gets any interest on the dating apps. he knows it’s not the case for me.

A really weird thing for him to say, it would give me the ick.

Okay so you know he’s not putting any effort in compared to your previous boyfriends, you’ve got interest from other men on the apps - Talk to them?

I’ve drafted a reply to his last msgs
Saying I’d be happy to talk offline and see if that prompts him
but honestly what’s the point anymore
it’s obvious he’s not serious or interested right?

@talktalk12 another of these threads? There was another one yesterday/today. Read the advice from experienced daters and you'll see that the advice is to not ask anything. If I were you I would either block completely or say "sorry I'm looking for a relationship and I don't think we're compatible" and move on. But seriously move on (not hope he will see sense). He's giving you anxiety- seriously go back on the apps and start swiping again

His messages show you he's interested in you hanging about while he figures out what he wants to do with you.

His actions tell you he's not interested in a second date.

@talktalk12 and no don't send that message. He'll meet you, have sex with you and then say "he's not sure he wants a relationship" or "he's too busy" etc etc. No thank you

Noooo, that's almost the equivalent of asking him out yourself

Don't give him any hints that you want to see him again.

Right. If you want him to make a date with you what you do is stop responding to him.

Don't tell him you won't communicate with him online, just stop communicating with him online. Then if he truly wants to communicate with you he will make a date.

Simple.

dont send that messsge ffs 🤦🏽‍♀️

Ffs indeed

OP that message is you practically begging him to take you out.

Just don't. Brush it aside being vague "oh you know, lots of interesting stuff, but that's a story for another day. What have you been up to?"

@RandomMusings7 not naive at all! I didn't say he was sat waiting by the phone! But it works both ways, just because she asked him on the second date doesn't mean she can't ask him on the 3rd. Just because she wanted to go on a 2nd date doesn't automatically mean to him she wants a 3rd!

I'd make sure I continued with the routine of an average of 1 a day on my side and keep it chatty and not too deep or pushy, and see how it goes over the next week. I don't think people always understand how demanding and draining some jobs are. Or some people find them to be which is not quite the same thing as some people get tireder than others and may have other responsibilities voluntary or caring or other things going on that they wouldn't have told you about by the 2nd or 3rd date.

It's not long ago that we weren't all in constant touch with each other especially not at the start of a relationship, unless we were teenagers! Some people would rather live a bit more like this now and don't want to do a lot of their dating on their phones. I wouldn't.

Is the advice from the "experienced daters" all that useful when dealing with individuals whose circumstances and personalities they don't know (your potential beau)? After all, if they were that successful with their dating they wouldn't BE "experienced daters" would they?

I do agree that you shouldn't appear to be too needy or start sending 2 or 3 texts a day however. If he really is just busy with work and knackered from a "brutal" work trip, then you will put him off. Play it coolish but don't play games either. See how it's going in a week or a fortnight. If it's not back on track by that point, bin him off then

Just let the messages go as they are if he asks he asks if he doesn’t he doesn’t. Don’t get so hung up on him you are only torturing yourself.
He doesn’t sound overly keen. But don’t get into games back.
you just know when someone is into you they make the effort in every way.