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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

319 replies

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
KosherDill · 07/10/2022 01:44

Newusernameaug · 06/10/2022 22:09

A new partner not wanting photos of the deceased parent would be a huge red flag for me sorry. It’s so important for your children that their dm is still acknowledged and remembered

This. I would run for the hills.

My sister married a widower with four kids and was happy to have photos of the deceased wife displayed.

HoppingPavlova · 07/10/2022 01:59

A new partner not wanting photos of the deceased parent would be a huge red flag for me sorry. It’s so important for your children that their dm is still acknowledged and remembered

Exactly this. I’d really rethink this relationship as doing what the new partner wants could well be so damaging to the kids and they must come first.

TooHotToRamble · 07/10/2022 02:11

I find that absolutely bizarre. If my husband had died I would still want photos of him up even if I was with a new partner, children or no children. It's not like you broke up with them. There will always be a place in your heart for them and any future partner would need to understand and accept that (or choose not to be with you imo).

To want to remove photos of the children's MOTHER is appalling.

Sarasandman · 07/10/2022 02:12

I feel serendipitously placed to respond here, because I'm sitting in bed beside my fiancé, a widower, looking at a photo on the wall of him his wife kissing. I was just thinking about the issues raised by the OP when I opened Mumsnet for some distraction!
I'm also well-qualified, in a sense, because I'm a therapist with some training in bereavement counselling. (I say in a sense, because therapists are just messy humans and because we're all individuals with different feelings, all valid and worthy of respect.)

And it's difficult.

I feel relaxed and comfortable with these pictures in my fiancé's home, near his bed even, but I still feel that third presence and sometimes feel like the visitor I still am. When we move in together I'd rather our shared home is decorated for the two of us. We've talked a bit about having separate areas in the new home for our memories, other areas for creating new ones. We'll need to talk more, keep being open with one another and listening to each other's needs.

It took us both some time. We were both lucky to have some therapy and supportive friends while we navigated our feelings together.

I disagree with previous posters criticising the OP's partner's feelings. It's natural to feel insecure when the man you love loves someone else; that she has died doesn't make that go away. I've struggled with it, as many others do also.

It's hard to understand how it is possible to love two romantic partners at the same time if you're monogamous and haven't experienced anything like it. It was hard for my fiancé to understand and come to terms with loving someone new, too. Being able to place new photos among his old ones is a sign he has room for a new life; it's been gradual and this way new love is more secure, because it isn't pushing out the past prematurely. In that sense, keeping photos of his wife is a sign that he is serious about his relationship with me and will not rush it.

I'm wondering if the OP and his partner have talked about this, as it might help her to see where the OP has come from, through his grief, and where he is now.

There aren't any children involved in our situation. I agree it's very important that their wishes are taken into account and also that a new partner isn't seen as removing pictures of their mother.

I'd suggest openness, allowing your partner to feel she can express any insecurities, perhaps aiming at accepting that this is a stage and a process you can support each other in, exploring possibilities together.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 07/10/2022 02:15

"despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together."

Since you also have photos of her in your house, she sounds even more unreasonable!

DaughterofDawn · 07/10/2022 02:41

I mean I don't know if this is fair or not but I've been with my husband for 12 years now. If he died I would have pictures of him. I also have a matching tattoo with him which I would also keep. The next person who comes along will have to live with the fact that I will always be spiritually married with this man. And I will make room in my heart for the new partner sure but if they want to delete over a decade of my life they are going to fail miserably. I am very stubborn. This man will not and cannot be replaced.

marblemad · 07/10/2022 03:01

After 8 years the pictures should only be within children's rooms or photo albums etc. All over the house is abit excessive regardless of the progressing relationship. How are the children supposed to move on if you have constant reminders everywhere and haven't transitioned them to move on slowly.

Harrystylestutu · 07/10/2022 03:07

marblemad · 07/10/2022 03:01

After 8 years the pictures should only be within children's rooms or photo albums etc. All over the house is abit excessive regardless of the progressing relationship. How are the children supposed to move on if you have constant reminders everywhere and haven't transitioned them to move on slowly.

What do you mean though by move on? They're just kids, already moved house, lost their mum and blending families? It's not an ex or old friend, it's their mum...

Vikinga · 07/10/2022 03:08

The pics should remain up and your partner shouldn't have a problem with it. I wouldn't even mind if my boyfriend had a family pic with his ex wife and kids and other family for example and she's still alive. I've got a group pic which includes an ex fiance of my friends and I at uni.

People are allowed to have a past and especially when there are children involved, it is part of their history and their memories.

JustLyra · 07/10/2022 03:08

DS (technically DSS) moved out last year. Visits occasionally as he’s quite far away for uni and work. The photos of his Mum are still up in our home. DH’s first wife is part of DH and DS’s life and always will be.

Anyone trying to erase memories of a deceased loved one in a home is completely out of order.

If dating a widow or widower with some photos around isn’t for someone then they should walk away. Not try to push them into changing their photos. Especially when children are involved.

JustLyra · 07/10/2022 03:09

marblemad · 07/10/2022 03:01

After 8 years the pictures should only be within children's rooms or photo albums etc. All over the house is abit excessive regardless of the progressing relationship. How are the children supposed to move on if you have constant reminders everywhere and haven't transitioned them to move on slowly.

Children don’t “move on” from losing a parent.

and hiding away photos doesn’t assist anything. Pretending someone didn’t exist makes grieving harder for children, not easier.

DaughterofDawn · 07/10/2022 03:17

marblemad · 07/10/2022 03:01

After 8 years the pictures should only be within children's rooms or photo albums etc. All over the house is abit excessive regardless of the progressing relationship. How are the children supposed to move on if you have constant reminders everywhere and haven't transitioned them to move on slowly.

Children don't move on from losing their parents. Moving on is something you do after breaking up with an ex. Not after losing your mother. Especially when you are still a child.

Delilahonabike · 07/10/2022 03:25

The DC clearly still want the pictures up (as you say it would be noticed if you took them down) and I think their feelings absolutely trump your partners in this instance. I'd be a bit worried about a partner who couldn't put the feelings of DC who have lost their mum above their own insecurities tbh OP.

MayThe4th · 07/10/2022 03:41

It’s very simple. If you can’t handle the fact that there was a first wife who is still a presence, then you don’t marry a widower.

I hae 0 sympathy for anyone who claims that it’s a difficult dynamic. If you don’t like it then this relationship isn’t right for you and you owe it to the widower to walk away.

Someone I know was widowed and also married someone who was. The children’s deceased parents are both still considered a part of their lives. They have a past, and their parents are mentioned often, they light a candle for them at Christmas etc and their inlaws are very much still a part of their lives.

Personally it wouldn’t even be a discussion. As soon as a partner knows someone is a widow they need to realise that they will always come second. It’s only because the first partner died that they’re there in the first place, and no talk of removing anything would ever be tolerated. Non negotiable.

Get rid of her. This is the beginning of the slippery slope. Get rid of the pictures and she’ll start saying she feels uncomfortable when you talk about the first wife. And then she’ll start to be jealous that you have children who were from the first wife. And so it goes on.

CJsGoldfish · 07/10/2022 03:42

I'd be very careful that YOUR desire to settle down doesn't have you overlooking behaviours/situations that are detrimental to your children.
I would like to think that I'd know instantly that someone who can't put my childrens needs over their own insecurity isn't for me. Or them.
And don't be pressured to placate her by conceding in other areas to 'prove' how important she is. Because, if she is asking you to hurt your children this way, how is she 'the one'? 🤷‍♀️

allboysherebutme · 07/10/2022 03:53

I can understand how she feels, but it is really her own insecurities, your children's feelings are more important.
Explain to her that it is your children's mother and you feel the photos should be there for them.
It's not like you are divorced and have her pictures up.

She was a bit part of your life and your partner needs to put her feelings aside and think of your children.

echt · 07/10/2022 04:01

I wish people would shove off, or is it up? with their "move on". So crass and unthinking. So entirely missing the point of what bereavement means.

You never move on, you just do different things. You always love the dead person and may in time love another, but the first love isn't lessened one jot.

Back to the OP. I'd be reviewing this relationship pronto. She lacks the maturity one needs to be in a relationship with a widowed person. Fuckit, bin her off.

EntertainingandFactual · 07/10/2022 04:05

echt · 07/10/2022 04:01

I wish people would shove off, or is it up? with their "move on". So crass and unthinking. So entirely missing the point of what bereavement means.

You never move on, you just do different things. You always love the dead person and may in time love another, but the first love isn't lessened one jot.

Back to the OP. I'd be reviewing this relationship pronto. She lacks the maturity one needs to be in a relationship with a widowed person. Fuckit, bin her off.

I agree.
Nothing more to add, I agree with everything you just said.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/10/2022 04:07

I think @MrsMcGarry makes a really good point. When this happened to her she didn’t only resent her step mom, she also resented her dad when pictures were removed. Don’t let this come between you and your kids.

Blueink · 07/10/2022 04:11

@Sarasandman that does not seem the same situation, your DH having a photo of him kissing his previous partner on the bedroom wall, seems extreme. It’s great you’ve had counselling etc but I wouldn’t be ok with that even so. If that is what the OP’s partner is complaining about, I’m with her, otherwise I’m really not.

onlythreenow · 07/10/2022 04:25

I would be rather wary of someone who is apparently jealous of someone who has died. Your children need to have the photos of their mother on display - and why should you have to wipe your partner from your life just because you have a new partner? Please keep the photos up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/10/2022 04:42

Your children (and managing their grief at the loss of their mother) are the priority here.

If she is asking you to take photos down, I would be asking her to stay the hell away from my home and children. Massive red flag.

youlightupmyday · 07/10/2022 05:47

Fruitbatdancer · 06/10/2022 23:04

As someone who married a widower I feel qualified to reply.
pics of her and kids, absolutely fine, pics of her alone in kids rooms, also fine, wedding photos on mantle- not fine! Solo giant canvas portraits in lounge? Also not fine. There is balance to be found. If extreme response then there’s more going on than pictures….

Massive canvas, ok but what about a small photo of her in the living room? Or a photo of them as a couple?

Questionaboutjoboffer · 07/10/2022 05:56

Mandeville2004 · 06/10/2022 22:10

You are not unreasonable at all. Your partner is being quite selfish and unpleasant . It is the children’s mother.
I am widowed and would not pander to this at all. To be jealous in this situation is really a bit pathetic.

This

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