Dating thread 234 ... spooky times ahead

[BelladiMamma]

New thread!

Could someone else please copy and paste the rules ...?

I've got nil expectations from my date with MrCurly we know we have same taste in music, he can string words together in a text to form words together and his pics show a handsome fella.

Next step is the pheromones/teeth/ask Qs checking which has to be done irl. Have loads of other chats on the go and off for a family knees up overnight in a minute (8 hours in the car with my deaf non-question asking mum - yay 😬)

Have resolved not to get into one iron too swiftly and also not to get naked to triage any of them ahead of them proving their worth or interest or integrity.

This is the only 'mistake' I made with MrArt except I don't see it as a mistake and je ne regrete rien
I had a sexual reawakening with him despite not really fancying him when I first met him on Date1 after two months of sporadic funny info-sharing textuals. He deffo had photos a good deal younger than he is now plus, walked like an old man and crap shoes plus the one-sided conversation so going to his house, finding out he plays the guitar beautifully and sleeping with him was always on the basis it would not go far but I kept an open mind.

Yes a slow strange fade to which I'll never ever know why he went off me so glad I sent the Bye bye text calling him out on his disrespectful and confusing drop in comms. His bad for not confessing I was right and making lame excuses.
I've had that before though so maybe it's a pattern with shite men who can't find the strength to end a short fling with grace. I'm glad I did.

Things I learnt:
Asking Qs and a two way interest and curiosity is absolutely essential for me. I'm really turned off by people who don't. Theresa a woman in my Pilates class who I know from work who always wangs on about what (boring) things she's doing each weekend. Never asks anyone what they might be up to. I literally can't stand her for this reason.

Not fancying immediately doesn't mean non sexual attraction.

I still really like boys with cultured good taste in interior aesthetics and a strong preference for tidy particular men. Still also like those who can fix things and make me laugh.

Hi @BoredOfLooking are you able to change the narrative from 'this is really tedious swiping on and chatting with dire men to find the occasional gems' to a 'Isn't it completely FANTASTIC they've invented OLD and what a darn shame we had nothing like it in our 20s'

Work on yourself to me meant coming off the apps completely chucking myself into work (got promoted), starting a post grad degree, renovating my huge house and deciding to downshift and relocate, got a doggo and started regular vigourous exercise after a decade of hardly moving at all etc etc.
Two years later I'm now in a steady state and have decided to rejoin the apps as the quickest and easiest way ti find a male best friend who I can be sexual with and go on holiday with.

My life is fun, busy and tremendous in every way without a man but I'd like to spend my dotage with someone who I think is amazing in most ways and he thinks the same of me. It might not happen but without using OLD it's less likely to happen

That's my take anyway. Hope it helps.

Late check in.. all aboard The Mothership💖

Oncey

I still really like boys with cultured good taste in interior aesthetics and a strong preference for tidy particular men. Still also like those who can fix things and make me laugh.

you and me separated at birth.
i agree with run testing them before sex. At least that’s also where I am now.

@BoredOfLooking

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss has covered your questions well but I have a few thoughts as well.

The whole tone including the username is quite downbeat which doesn't bode well, are you ready for dating?

A - we'd all like to skip the swiping and chatting stage but its a necessary way of meeting new people not exclusive to OLD. Even if you met someone in real life you'd still have to chat meet regularly to know if they're boyfriend material.

B - You can't just snap out of fixation. We all like an ego boost in the form of messages and conpliments but a fixation is unhealthy.
It sounds like you have low self esteem/confidence - would you agree?

C- that's a negative description of yourself, I know if you're not the size you want to be its hard not to be negative but could you rephrase your description of yourself.
In an ideal world you'd love yourself no matter your shape or size...again its a self confidence thing.

D - why wouldn't you want to step back and 'work on yourself' and come back a better person?
Being touch starved and not willing to work on yourself could mean you have low boundaries just so you can be 'touched'. OLD will always be there soif you took 6 months out nothing much will have changed with OLD.

E - what is your life like in general? Work? Friends? Family? Hobbies?
You need to make your life the best it can be without a man in it and only then go looking.
A man should enhance your life and not be your life.
Personally I've had counselling/therapy to help me deal with things after an emotionally abusive marriage and am in a good place for a proper relationship.
I have a job that I like which pays well, I have 2 older kids who are adults and we have a good relationship, I have lots of friends who I see regularly and lots of hobbies. I have a large family who I wish I could see more but life gets in the way.
I also make time for myself to just be, no rushing around, just relaxing at home.
Right now I have no spare time which would make a relationship tricky but for the right person I'd make time and in the early stages of dating I'll make time for dates.

Come back and tell us about your life and we can make suggestions to help you work on yourself.

Fab advise by @SortingItOut

Just got back from manic gym workout and Mr Ex wanted to go for brunch just when I agreed going for coffee later with Mr Euro … I will see Mr Ex for dinner on Monday

Mr T is scheduled for video chat tonight and I really feel like it 😊

I can answer this one.
in my 40s, there was some level of attention from women, since turning 50, there is almost nothing, the attention just fell off a cliff, if you look at this wider forum older men are often portrayed as the boring pipe and slippers brigade.

if you were an older man, who doesn’t feel like it’s time for pipe & slippers rolling 10 years off your age it’s probably the only way to get any attention on OLD.

same as the height thing really, lots of women won’t date men under a certain height, so they add a few inches get a date and just hope for the best..

E) What DOES ‘work on yourself’ mean? Specifically what do people do? What should I do?

ha ! I started a diary in January and as I’ve had a torrid few weeks I re read it

a fairly consistent theme and frustration for me is
limerence
obsessive texting
instant (and unnecessary ) despair when messages not replied to
drama and not imposing my boundaries and forgiving shitty behaviour

it’s a wierd thing to say on a dating thread but I’m not dating again till I’ve had a bit more therapy

I’m just here for the craic now !

id also say If you don’t like how you look….

do something about it (that probably sounds ruder than it’s meant to )
could be gym , hair , diet , eyebrows , or taking a day off and getting some outfits that flatter you

then , re do the photos and feel better in yourself

a new hairstyle , decent bra and some bronzer work wonders IMO

@NoDatingForOldMen … this is why I no longer look to date 5’11” or I even have doubts about 6’
I like tall men . It’s a preference. Some men like very curvy women or big boobs or whatever. It’s preferences
I once went for date with guy saying 6’ and was not even 5’10”
left quickly
Im tiny and it’s clear on my profile
I’m not that bothered about age if a guy is fit and looks just fine
I know prefer 6’1” !!

@Mila14
yes I get that, my preference is for more curvy women closer to my height, so a tiny person like you would not be my preference, but I know that guys under say 5’6 really struggle to anywhere so they often add a couple of inches in the hope to get a date and that the person likes them especially via OLD when it’s more about looks initially.

Exactly @NoDatingForOldMen . I also think some women like men of all heights and don’t care if a guy is 5’6” to be honest so there really is people for everyone in OLD

We were separated @Mila14 as I too am tiny (not as teeny tiny dainty as you but shorter than most) but my favourite height is 6'4" wtaf?!? Who is this MrT you are video rendezvousing with? Have I missed a memo or some briefing notes? Good luck with that anyway. Sounds brave.

@SortingItOut that's a lot of very good advice to @BoredOfLooking and actually worth saying how brave and honest the post was. pretty sure I identified with most of it. Especially the obsessiveness and over investing/limerence etc. You are worthy. You are what someone is wishing they could find. Not feeling yourself to be the prize will probably only lead to heartache.

@Thisisworsethananticpated being here for the craic (🤣) is a good way to go keep learning and discussing through the trials and tribulations of others. I stayed away during my deliberate abstinence period (which I was convinced would be forever but HRT seems to have gifted me a renewed libido).

Hi everyone, hope it's ok to join you I've been reading and trying to catch up with everyone's situations.

How long do you think you should wait before trying dating again? I've only been single for around 6 weeks but within that time I've had weekly therapy and done a lot of self care - joined the gym, touched base with old friends, spent a lot of time with family etc

I've came to realise that my exp is not who I miss, it's the actual being part of a relationship that I miss

Oncey… I had 2 irons going. One is Mr Euro who is London based. The other is a fun witty Englishman I call Mr T. He’s the opposite of Mr Euro, self deprecating witty no nonsense man. Alas he lives far so I was not sure. This one is a good egg and any lady picking him is on to a winner I think. He’s attractive too. I have agreed to video call today but I think he’s too far away for me.
i am meeting my Mr Ex on Monday and back to kids time on Tuesday 😊
Did you meet Me Curly??
@winniewitchy … I hear you. I’m also looking forward to sexy hola with a partner to be honest. Welcome to the thread. We get a lot of support here 😊

Mila14
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again
your a dating machine 🤣 💪

one hour And a half conversation with Mr T on FaceTime . He’s lovely but we live in different worlds, socially and otherwise. Plus he’s very far from London. Mr T is a really good guy but…
Worsy, I can be dating but I’m really unsure about what I want
I think I am unsure about Mr Euro too because of certain things that he was frank enough to disclose and his overall shit divorce with DC who are not on speaking terms with him etc. it’s too much drama and I’m really not in the mood of problems
I am seeing MrEx on Monday and looking forward to that to be honest
I keep looking around for suitable iron for the position of boyfriend but I want to go slow now

Agree with others @BoredOfLooking but would also add that it’s the actual process of swiping and looking for a boyfriend that forces you to work on yourself. Only by doing so, making yourself vulnerable a bit, seeing what works and what doesn’t and resolving to not make the same mistake again, can you grow as a person.

You can’t avoid doing your time at the dating coalface I’m afraid 😆

The great thing about OLD (I’m with @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss here in terms of changing perspective) is that you can learn a lot quite quickly rather than spend years flailing around trying to meet a succession of men in the wild.

The great thing about OLD

as i said when I joined tinder (crudely)

’it’s cock ikea’

a world of men I’d never usually meet
I went from zero to … well more than zero

Had a bit of a break from OLD and went back in today. Matched with someone who looked nice. They extended the match so I sent them a message… just a perfectly ordinary message… and shortly after they disappeared. I guess they either unmatched me or deleted their account. Fed up again already.

’it’s cock ikea’. 😂😂

Yeah, both need home assembly, both break after a few years use and you probably don’t want to own one

I signed up to tinder just for a look. Jeeeez I have not missed this at all.

The mile trick still seems to work though

Mile trick?

Yeah if you set your distance to 1 mile it shows you people that have swiped right on you. I move mine between 1 and 20 miles and new people come up that weren't showing previously

@NoDatingForOldMen Thanks for your insight.
I still don't like the lies, knock a year or so off but 10.

I'm not fussed about height, as long as they're taller than me which isn't hard as I'm 5ft 3😂

Knocking ten years off suggests someone isn’t really in it for a relationship… as if you were that would be a bit of a stumbling block once the other person found out you’d lied about such a basic thing.

They must just be hoping for one night stands before their fib is discovered.