Dating thread 234 ... spooky times ahead

[BelladiMamma]

New thread!

Could someone else please copy and paste the rules ...?

I'm pretty sure that's called 'future faking' @ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers have a Google.

I think we've all been people who have stated 'we'll do this, that and the other' (my most recent iron & I were designing a camper van he'd build for us before he naffed off via ghosting me).
It's very painful. The stoic philosophy says you don't have the power to control what happens to you but you do have the power to choose how you react to events. He's gone. The future fantasy vision is gone. Let him and it go. There's someone out there who'll be a better match for you 'out there'. Work on self-love and healing etc and start chatting to other men with a view to dating some of them
(Easy to say harder to do I know)

@Slothmomma your story reads like mine except the three kids are older (and easier to facilitate an adult-only 'social' life)
Mine was all 'we will travel the world, we will be mortgage free blah blah blah' none of it came true.

Believe what they do and not what they say.

Actually I'm going to declare it a new type of red flag any chat of future stuff instead of being in the moment.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

oooooh ! Horny night 🥵

now to not obsess now he’s released some oxytocin
I won’t tell you my ‘keep as FWB , don’t imagine he’s my boyfriend ‘ top survival tips

you got this !

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

its good to get the sadness out
out out out

im not sure what the cure for your current sadness is .
like everyone you have to vent when it’s there and keep busy and focussed

for what it’s worth your mum sounds lovely 😊

but she’s maybe worrying about you right now as she’ll pick up your pretty sad right now

and you’ll rub each other the wrong way

when my son had a depressive episode in sept
i had one too !

sometimes when we feel like like we have to force ourselves to keep going forward

I’m out with My Cherry today after not seeing him for 6 months, I didn’t have anything in today and am child free so thought I might as well. Not getting my hopes up about anything as I think it’s only a friends thing. I will try not to jump on him (hormones are raging today) 😬

Good luck @Lovemusic33

Yes please @Thisisworsethananticpated I'm very keen to have those tips.

I honestly think there is zero chance of my emotions running away on this one for various reasons I won't list but boy oh boy the flashbacks from our rompings last night are delicious. We laughed, chatted and bonked loads. It was very easy and natural.

Lovemusic33

im Confused with your fruity irons

peach is the one you recently split with ?

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers do you know this song by Swifty?

When my first ever OLD romance post-marriage ended abruptly after maximum lovebombing and future faking I listened to this on repeat over and over and over non-stop. It kind of helped.

So many of us have been there. It's shitty. But you will get past it. I recommend making a concerted effort to remove him from your thoughts after a while. For me chatting to others via OLD reminds me there are many many many other single folks out there to investigate for potential hood matching

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

so these are tips only
i don’t advocate game playing in a sincere and open relationship
but FWB is a different game

do not text him , no ‘yesterday was hot !’
do not text
do not discuss personal issues . You have friends for that . Pillow talk is minor
if they start to bring their issues in
steer away
your his fuck buddy

dont immediately reply to messages . You have a life ! A rich and full life

keep flirting with others .
refrain from sending him texts and photos that remind you of him , that’s for boyfriends

have lots of sex when you meet
sex sex sex

be busy and not always available

Thanks everyone.

I think my mum has fuelled this as well. I asked her what she thought I could offer a man right now, seeing as I still lived at home, was on benefits studying an extremely difficult course for the second time, and didn't have a job. She said 'I met your Stepfather when I was on income support.' Things were very different then!

She can't face the fact that I'm different to her. She thinks I'm this attractive person with loads going for me, that all men will love, and I'm not. I have told her this but she can't face the truth. It's not like she can do anything about it, anyway.

I think I'm resentful over my ex because he was the first to see me as an equal and offer me something, and that's been 'took away.' If you like. Yes I want a family, and yes I probably need to date, but i always have got used when I let someone in.

God, this is so confusing!

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss How did the condom usage go?
Assuming one of you brought the subject up.....

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

well if your mum who’s known you whole life thinks you are attractive ….

I see my children warts and all

anyway I don’t want to annoy you and I’m probably older than your mum

what’s your mums personality and type ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated she's very loud with an eclectic sense of humour. I'm quite serious with a dry sort of humour.

I think she likes the idea of me being an sparky, attractive person who gets loads of male attention (to be honest, so do I) but she can't face the fact that I'm not.

Yep @SortingItOut I went to Superdrug with my teen and announced I wouldn't be walking around with her and bought a pack which I then whipped out at the appropriate time buuuuuuuuut they didn't fit & he had his own larger gent ones. Later we had a chat about STD tests & how I should do one as he had recently... As you all said it was easy breezy and perfectly fine and acceptable 👍

I do have conversational triggers with men as well, which makes talking to men difficult. I don't like talking about work or hearing about their great careers, (for obvious reasons) I don't like talking about studying as some men I've talked to have been unpleasant about someone studying in their twenties.

I also don't like taking about what I want In a relationship, as I think that i'm going to be used.

Checking in!

No irons so to speak of, quite a few matches but no one can hold a conversation...the usual.

It's so tedious chatting to irons isn't it, repeating the same info again and again, any tips for making the conversation more lively?

Blimey, he must have been a big boy!

So tedious @QueenConsort but a necessary evil like flying is to get somewhere hot or exotic

I usually ask them what they've been up to and what I've been up to or will be up to and if that doesn't spark some interesting or witty toing and froing I'm out at that point. I've flogged way too many conversational dead horses in the past and now know my type in terms of humour, intelligence and curiosity.

NoDatingForOldMen

😂
I didn’t want to say anything vulgar on that topic

XXXL

Oncey… OMG… FWB it is then. Keep checking irons on the side if you want something else too
MrF came to my place furtively for a tea in the morning. Much petting and I lost my bra !!!…
no DTD but I checked package and its BIG and hard so …
very frustrating but we can wait and I don’t want a quickie just yet. He dropped me at gym ( he came to me by car). I did 2 hour intense workout and ate the whole fridge back home
i need to be careful I think. He’s very attractive and has a really fit body and is 6’5” and with power city job. He must have a lot of matches and I want to make sure I go at my pace
Im going to be with kids now for a week and half and have job compromise that involves travel too … so we are not meeting until early Nov

We had the chat about I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH A MAN. We both have kids 50-60% of time so we agree its ok to fo our thing. We still have 4 years to empty nests ahead but this is a good chat to have
We go slow and see what’s up although he was like crazy with kissing and petting …

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers , people here are very very supporting. I think everyone is giving you great advise. Please, don't be in a hurry . You are very young and can take fab decisions to move you forward like doing your studies. Value what you do. A nice man will be proud you are studying and bettering yourself.and will not mind you live with your mum.

Mila14

gosh ! Your ones moving at a decent pace

so what’s the state of comms with Mr Ex (dare I ask …. )

Slothy, what’s up with Mr Medic? You have not discussed him for a while ?
@SortingItOut . I had a full STD and medical after MrO. I will broach the subject with MrF… he has only divorced during Covid times and been with someone 6 months ( broke up in February) so he has dated but nothing serious ( he says)
I put everything as provisional and I will see what happens…

Worsy… MrEx is away on hols with DS. I am slow to answer messages and monosyllabic. I will see him at some point but I’m not planning on having more than posh place dinner and a cuddle.
i want to have sex with MrF and I want to use up all the free time I can have with MrF.