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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 234 ... spooky times ahead

998 replies

BelladiMamma · 06/10/2022 09:43

New thread!

Could someone else please copy and paste the rules ...?

OP posts:
NervesOfCotton · 18/10/2022 10:39

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I'm so sorry things have gone that way with Curly. Very strange behaviour from him & I'll add my voice to say it's not you, it's him. Take all the time you need to heal. It is absolutely difficult to let go sometimes.

winniewitchy I set mine at 30 miles but there's hardly anybody suitable. I get loads of messages from 60 miles ish as that's London from here.

Feeling kind of bruised myself today. I was speaking to one who promptly stopped talking when I told him the age of my kids. It's fine but he could of, you know, used his words instead of just not answering & leaving me wondering.

Second one was right up to my furthest distance of 30 miles. I told him I don't drive, he said that's fine, he comes here every few weeks anyway to see family etc. Seemed perfect, loads of stuff in common etc.

2 days of messages & I asked him if he wanted to meet, then he says 'On 2nd thoughts I think the distance might be an issue. I'm very busy right now so I'd hate to message for weeks on end & then dissapoint you'. So I said 'Ok that's fine, I wouldn't of messaged for 'Weeks on end' anyway as I don't see the point. Maybe message again when you are less busy'.

He's since sent me 2 messages just random stuff about his day & each one starts with 'I'm still busy but...'
So he clearly just wants somebody to hang around until he's ready. Not me.

winniewitchy · 18/10/2022 10:52

I've came off them for a while. I think I need to concentrate on some self care. Thing is I don't know how to do that. My ds is almost 16 so I barely see him. Just feeling a bit lost and lonely atm.

My exp was 2 hours away which was one of the factors that made it fail - he had to go back to work full time in office rather than working from my house which left us the weekends where he had his ds every weekend

If im honest I feel like a total anxious mess

NervesOfCotton · 18/10/2022 11:11

Aww winniewitchy, you will be ok. Honestly, this will pass...
Are there any things at home that you like to do? Colouring/puzzles/knitting/reading etc. I can totally lose a few hours with a puzzle & it's sooo good for my mental health.

I'm also an anxious-y person so I hear youFlowers

SortingItOut · 18/10/2022 11:22

@winniewitchy Sorry you're not feeling tip top.

What else have you got in your life?
Do you work? Hobbies? Friends? Family?

Being lonely is not a reason to get in a relationship.

How do you current spend your spare time?

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 18/10/2022 11:30

Thank you @Thisisworsethananticpated you are soooooo wise.
Two years off the apps was definitely my happy place and I never anticipated ever going back on them tbh but had one shitty insomniac night when I put myself on the apps, met with Art followed that through to the end then did a rebound swipe sesh which resulted in Curly.

It's not a great mode to operate in I can see that now.

Yay to returning to me-time and no more will he won't he anxiety.

Re how far to state distance wise I'm already gutted that I might bump into Curly in my local town. I usually travel an hour for dates and sleepovers. Always have since my first OLD romance where I totally shat in my own backyard (small village situation).
I like it as it feels like a mini-break going to a new place where I deffo won't bump into people I know and can explore a new place.
I like driving a lot though and did have the concern that if anything happened to my teens whilst away on a hedonistic drunken sleepover I'd not be able to get involved and their (crap) dad would be obliged to assist.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 18/10/2022 11:44

Hilarious. Just went to delete the app but have had a match and a message from a very interesting sounding fella. Ooops.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 12:19

winniewitchy

oh sweetheart
if you are a total anxious mess
OLD is like self harm
im sorry if that’s a brutal term
but I’m also prescribing all that MH self care to you also (and me !)

as actually the apps are way more brutal if you aren’t feeling robust

lets take the scenario of a sudden cut in chat (as evidenced above )

feeling strong day reaction would be ‘what a dick!!! , phew ! He’s grim’ 😊

feeling weak day reaction ‘I’ve been rejected . It’s because I’m shit (insert something you don’t like abiut yourself ) . And I’ll die alone 🥴

NervesOfCotton · 18/10/2022 12:27

Thisisworsethananticpated You are Soooo right! Unfortunately I have the 'Feeling weak day reaction' 9/10 times! Even if I thought I was all good, feeling strong etc.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 12:52

NervesOfCotton

this is why when I started I mainly did ‘online sexting / dating’
as what avoidant man can resist a horny milf who’s up for fun

my friends laughed , called me ‘only fans’ !

but actually it was quite empowering , enhanced my wanking 100% and no one got hurt

Mila14 · 18/10/2022 13:49

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 18/10/2022 11:44

Hilarious. Just went to delete the app but have had a match and a message from a very interesting sounding fella. Ooops.

😂😂😂😂 give the fella an opportunity!!

Slothmomma · 18/10/2022 13:59

Sorry to hear you're not feeling great @winniewitchy but hope you're feeling a bit more yourself soon

Think date with Mr medic later is off as he's got a bug and has bee odd work today. And speak of the devil yesterday but Mr city has messaged today. He's been all over Europe apparently and is basically now away nearly every week up to Xmas- not sure why he went on the apps to be honest as he clearly doesn't have time for a relationship.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 16:10

Slothmomma

hes a breadcrumber that city one !
it’s annoying isn’t it
why text and message you ??

Slothmomma · 18/10/2022 16:32

Who knows @Thisisworsethananticpated 🤷‍♀️

winniewitchy · 18/10/2022 18:54

It doesn't help that I'm not at work at the moment - all the stress of the break up and a few other things caused my gp to sign me off. So I have nothing to occupy me.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 19:14

winniewitchy

someones who signed off for stress should be very careful (cautious ) around embarking upon OLD

any therapist would say that , I’m not being bossy !!

ButterflyOfShay · 18/10/2022 20:12

Hello friends! Just checking in saying hi 👋 nothing to report but just read 15 pages of catch up… sorry to everyone whos being dicked about. Hope everyone’s alright other than that 💗
@NervesOfCotton nooooo to the minging brown jacket that was just the nail in the coffin eh 🧥😟

Hughgrantstrousers · 18/10/2022 20:21

😂you never forget your first dick pic 😂

OMG so true.

Just had a good belly laugh at my fave thread ever, yes it is addictive!!

Ckeansed my phone today of all the guys i ever dated ( quite FEW) you know how they tend to 'pop' up when they need their ego massaging? All gone now, feels so good.

Annyyywayyyy the FWB 61 year old have parked him on the back burner, and now investing in a hot date with Mr Ski. Shall keep the mothership posted!

winniewitchy · 18/10/2022 20:21

@Thisisworsethananticpated I know you're so right.

I think I'm just seeking validation at this point I'm not ready for anything else. Almost just want to feel wanted

Hughgrantstrousers · 18/10/2022 20:27

Horny milf omg that had me chuckling.... thats me down to a tee.

Going on a date next week with Mr Ski, am so excited. He lives far away, has no kids, and is super hot and willing. Fanny is a-galloping !

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 20:46

ButterflyOfShay
how are ya ? Last time you were saying you felt a bit anxious
did you see GP ?

and these are anxious times

Hughgrantstrousers · 18/10/2022 20:49

@BelladiMamma thanks for the new thread..

@NervesOfCotton minging brown jacket? Oh I missed that one...

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 20:50

winniewitchy

do hair , best bra and go for a wonder
mingle in the world a bit
you said you have people who’s shag you, and maybe some mild flirting is needed ?

jesus I even flirted (mildly ) with my my sons male social workers a bit !
I actually flirt with everyone now I’m single

totally understand the need to feel desired
its just that OLD is a dangerous medium
as hooked into intense chat faster , and ends faster , risky

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 20:53

you know how they tend to 'pop' up when they need their ego massaging?

yes
i wonder if I’m guilty of same , or rather replying when I also need ego massage

Hughgrantstrousers · 18/10/2022 21:06

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes I think we are all partial to the thrill of seeing a reply when you message a past lover.... prob is it can just become all a bit too sordid.

Had one from last year who used to message me regularly when he needed some wank material. Urgh.

Like you say, OLD facilitates the quick anonimity of an encounter, even an online encounter. It can be a headfuck and draining.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 18/10/2022 23:09

I saw this teeny short film and have watched several times replacing the number '20' each time she says it with '50' (cos I am now) and it works. I love it.

https://youtube.com/shorts/AC45MkAg3CA?feature=share