Dating thread 234 ... spooky times ahead

[BelladiMamma]

New thread!

Could someone else please copy and paste the rules ...?

Im at a 50th and I know NOONE
and my friend is late
I’m really not in the mood to sparkle

had A very confronting therapy session today

Oh nooo @Thisisworsethananticpated tgat is a terrible triumvirate of facts that is not conducive to fun partytime. Is your friend en route?

Yes @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss it sounds to me like you have a bit of the old anxious attachment thing going on. Early stage fixation, craving certainty of outcome, etc. I don’t have much advice as this has always been my schtick too, other than to say that this time round I have not had The Anxiety - this could be either a) because MrN is very straightforward and emotionally open and keen or b) because I’ve got MrM in backstop for occasional ethical shags 😐

Re knowing what you are looking for. I’m always amazed that anyone does. I’ve never had a plan for my life (except to have a dog 😂). Post university, my career, marriage and children just kind of happened. Post divorce, my one plan was NOT to have a life partner - and yet now I seem to have one. I reckon many people are like me, muddling through, grabbing opportunities if they come along and otherwise just accepting what is chucked at us.

The anxious attachment thing is interesting and I've probably got a flavour of it having looked it up.

I basically want to skip all the due diligence and want go straight to having a lovely enthusiastic interested committed boyfriend but then I end up wayyyyy too early being committed to wankery/broken men just because they've shown me a bit of attention.

I have a high octane, high powered job with friends, hobbies, travel etc etc and yet I'll allow romantic crushy fantasy thoughts to occupy my brain.

I wish I could turn it off and be normal.

I identify as having ADHD so suspect I'm hardwired to be fast paced, impulsive and slightly kooky.
It's why I fell for my (broken) XH as he was the same and we felt like home to one another.

Suspect MrCurl is the same. Our first date was v high octane and slightly crazy. This is dangerous territory for me. I found a small video of him online and watched it a lot.
He's sent me funny texts, music and tells me how cool he thinks I am and I'm like putty.

In some ways it's kind of meant to be like this isn't it the uncertainty and strangeness of a new romance it's just when they bin you off after sleeping with them you look back and wish you hadn't given them so much headspace.

Well it kind of is and isn’t meant to be like that. I tend to go for crazy intense first dates too and my therapist always raises an eyebrow. I think I’m good at down selecting too so have a high hit rate of having amazing fun on them, and they’re decent catches. BUT - I also have an addictive personality and almost get off on the adrenaline and drama of it all. It isn’t healthy. I also have a very demanding job and at times my dating woes have affected my ability to function/thrive at work - it’s horrible and makes me feel awful as I just can’t seem to pull myself back into rationality when it gets a grip of me.

I have the weirdest thing with MrN where I think I’m falling in love with him when we’re together, when we speak by video call, etc. But for once there isn’t that adrenaline high either, and I don’t feel any crushing despair at the thought of it ending. This makes me wonder whether either a) this is what normal feels like or b) this is a sign something’s missing. I have no answers 😶

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

there is a link between asd and spectrum and all what you say
I’m learning alot about asd adhd , and I’ve joined some groups , eye opening
plus my son

its a big and complex topic
and I’m not an expert

but it’s definitely linked to the types you feel comfortable with and go for shall we say ….

I’ve had the same pattern

ibelieveinmirrorballs

ethical shags 😂😂😂😂

i need some of that

Awww that does sound pretty solid and healthy @ibelieveinmirrorballs
When did you meet him (sorry I have forgotten)? Maybe him not being as much of an adrenaline junkie as you calms it all down.

The worst scenario really is when two high octane crazies meet and for a brief time think they are one another's soulmate as the feels are so strong and nuts then you gradually discover that the other one isn't your cup o tea after all. Then it's awkward/upsetting to extract yourself.

My worry is that the MrNs of this world will always feel dull to me but that's where healthy and solid resides.

Hey ho. It's all one big fabulous adventure isn't it and we're lucky to have OLD and this forum to enjoy it more through.

Im off for a weekend of dancing in nightclubs and getting drunk with best girls (middle aged wimmin) then straight off the train into MrCurly's hilarious forthright and heavenly pheromones (and arms?). We didn't kiss on Date1 so looking forward if that's an area of compatibility or not.

That's well said @Badbaddogagain

Yeah who bloody knows.

I'd like a sexy man bestie who texts me funny things and enjoys meals out, holidays etc but has his own life as I have mine.

Certainly not looking to cohabit with a man for a lonnnnng time. Nope.

Texts, humour, sex, support, music, weekends away holidays and meals.
Oh and ask Qs of me.
It's not an outrageous list!

First date was a bit odd. We didn't realise they had live music at the restaurant so the whole time we had to shout at each other. Another life lesson for me 😑

Anyway, he's an extremely nice guy but we have no chemistry. So I'm back to the dating scene again :(

Oh @Okigen bit did you have a nice time? Learn anything about yourself or your approach that made it worthwhile?

A dinner date for a first date is a bold one. I learnt the hard way that doesn't always work out and a timeboxed swift coffee or drink is a better test. With an option to then roll on somewhere else if you are both feeling it.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I had good dinner dates before but sadly on this occasion the music was so loud. It's a swanky bar, so I think the lesson is to choose a less swanky place next time :(

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I would also add that I meet the gentleman through OLD. The process is so tiring. On the way out I saw a singleton sitting alone in the bar and smile at me (hint hint hint!). Maybe next time I should go to that bar on a live music night, wear my best dress to see if I can meet someone in the old fashion way.

Your weekend sounds lots of fun @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss - I love a good dance! One of the fantastic upshots of OLD for me has been meeting a couple of fellow ex-and-now-occasional ravers to keep me company these days.

I met MrN about 5 months ago. He’s a weird mix of liking adrenaline and being very normal (our first date ended by going clubbing too) but he’s very busy and boundaried. Had we not had a superlative first kiss at the end of our first date however I think I might have binned him off because he’s not the fractured soul full of swagger and one-liners I usually go for.

It doesn’t sound like a bad date if he was a really nice guy.. shame about the music, we’re the two of you able to laugh it off?

It does sound like you put a lot of store in this going well (mainly due to a fear of having to return to the apps to continue swiping?) and of course a first date is really just a “is this a human I enjoy being near” test. Previously on this thread we’ve called it a date zero for that reason. It’s hard if the texting is good but I always tried very hard to have zero expectations of actual chemistry until I meet someone. Video calls are a great date zero approximater too.

Yes I still think of first meet as Date 0 then if you don't run away after that first coffee (and many times I have struggled to even make that far tbh) and it rolls into a long stroll/dinner/dancing/comedy show it's the next Date 1. But Date 0 is so we fancy each other and what are his conversational skills like.

Hmmmm @ibelieveinmirrorballs Im now curious to know more of this usual type of 'swagger' as I think I'm attracted to a similar type. And I think MrCurly is full of that swagger. I've badged it as confidence. It draws me in.

You have a life partner?? But you are dating??

You are not in love with MrN and never will be. That’s why if it ends tomorrow it will be ok. You fell in love madly with MrM and he’s still slightly available from time to time. I’m in similar situation although mine is even more bonkers as MrEx is in love and I am in love I think. But having been with him over 6 years, I know he’s not my ideal partner and we can’t really life partners. I can’t drop MrEx just as you can’t drop MrM. Mr N is nice and makes you feel settled and content but you have never been crazy for him…right from the start.
The key thing is that you are happy and settled and in a good way with MrN and MrM
I don’t want to get older having MrEx on the back burner and seeking Mr right. But I’m taking my time viewing applicants and having fun too. I can’t get over anxious or attached crazy because a lot has to click. It’s really difficult to drop someone who is in love with you knowing that you love him too. But my plan is to drop MrEx when I feel a bit more settled

I said I ‘seem’ to have a life partner, it’s a muddle really. I’m certainly not dating. I find I just can’t give up this thread!

also have a very demanding job and at times my dating woes have affected my ability to function/thrive at work - it’s horrible and makes me feel awful as I just can’t seem to pull myself back into rationality when it gets a grip of me.
Same here!
Over the 15 months rollercoaster with Mr Serb my work has definitely suffered at time ☹️

Same here! (Sorry I keep saying that😁)
This thread is so addictive and supportive. I don’t know if I am in a life relationship or just deluding myself. People assume we are a couple and random people in pubs and on the tube 😂 tell us how good we look together. But the reality is much more complicated.

Jangolina and@Badbaddogagain …there are no real norms about how we decide to live our love lives. If both of you are happy and settled that’s just brilliant. If your other half is adding to your life and your heart and there’s mutual love… it’s right for you.

Badbaddogagain

don’t worry as I’m now in therapy and have agreed I can’t go within 100m of a penis for quite some time !!!!!

I am however potentially meeting a VERY young man Sunday
very young

we can match each other on our mummy issues

Worsy…you really are a dangerous one 😂😂😂

How are hormones working now ? Therapy still looking right for you?

Hormones good
therapy is hard hitting

I’ve had so many crap ones to be honest

but this one’s good 👍

I arranged VERY young man before therapy I hasten to add …. A weak horny moment