Things have come to a head... 'friend' being OTT and flirting with boyfriend

[IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday]

Yes, I have posted about this a couple of times previously. I'm feeling really shit at the moment so I'd appreciate neutral amd supportive comments rather than critical ones. Thanks.

In a nutshell, I'm in a social/hobby group of a dozen or so people. Mostly coupled up. I started seeing someone within the group and one of the 20yrs+ married women started flirting with my boyfriend. It became so OTT that it was embarrassing - other people noticed and were commenting. I stopped engaging with her other than when essential. I didn't ignore her if she spoke to me but I started avoiding being in that situation.

I spoke with my boyfriend about it. People had also commented to him about it. He didn't want to upset her by saying anything directly, even something as simple and non confrontational as, "Don't do that," and decided to just avoid her as I was/not seek out her company. He told me that he didn't know why she was doing it (but felt it was more to do with me than him as, when we'd first met, she told she was jealous of me). He said he found it weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, it came to a bit of a head at the end of July when she asked me directly what the matter was. So I told her. I was cross about being the one who had to say something because it was nothing to do with me per se and I shouldn't have been the one who had to deal with it. She apologised to me and to him and no more was said. He didn't reply to her apology but it was definitely worded in such as way that it was intended to elicit reassurance on his part. He didn't give it.

We didn't meet up for the hobby over the summer so didn't see her again until a few weeks ago.

The first time, she ignored me, the second time she was friendly. I decided that, for the sake of the group, and so as not to be 'immature' as was suggested by some on here, that I would be amicable for everyone's sake.

However, she seemed to take this as a green light that everything was now OK, 6 weeks had passed and now it's business as usual. She hasn't been as bad and I wouldn't really describe her behaviour as flirting anymore bit she is still very tactile with him and he is now, seemingly, OK with it. I am not. I just feel I've been trampled over.

I feel betrayed by her as a friend. I feel betrayed that he has seemingly put it all behind him and he now seeks put her company for chats again. I'm sure others won't see a problem with that.

But it untenable for me. He and I had a long chat a couple of weeks ago and I said that I was strongly considering leaving the hobby over it because it was just unpleasant for me all the time - I feel disrespected and unvalued. He also told me in this conversation that he knew I would likely walk away from the relationship if I did. He was right.

The next time we were all together, and knowing this, he spent much of the evening chatting with her.

Afterwards, I told him that I would be leaving the hobby. He hasn't said anything about it either way. I have no idea what his thoughts are on it.

It's pretty much sounded the death knell for our relationship. I can't bear to be in the same room as either of them now.

He claims to have no interest in her and, by all accounts, he was in love with me for a while before we got together. He says he can't believe his luck. He tells me, and shows me, that he loves me. We spend all weekend together, we go out, he never behaves in a way that gives cause for concern other than this. He's overhauled my garden, cooks and does housework when he's here, treats me perfectly in every other respect. Talks about a future together and his actions, otherwise, seem to support this. But I just feel he doesn't respect me and has allowed the situation to continue despite knowing what the outcome will be.

I can't leave properly for another 3 weeks because we have a commitment to fulfill and I've agreed to do it. I'd be landing an awful lot of people in the shit if I pulled out now. But it's making me feel dreadful.

He says he has no interest in her but doesn't like to upset people and sees me leaving as choice rather than something he has caused/allowed to happen.

But I feel heartbroken and utterly bereft that I just don't seem to matter. I feel he has chosen being friendly with someone he claims to not even like all that much over an entire life with me.

They get off on the forbidden fruit turn on. She is safely married but gets her kicks and excitement from singling one guy out and flirting.
He gets his kicks from having a safe girlfriend but still knowing he is fancied. The sexual tension between them both is then heightened. In my experience this dynamic doesn't usually go anywhere until one of them crosses the line, easily done when a bit pissed,socialising heat of the moment type thing.
Op you are definitely better off out of their game. In fact you being there, quitely seething just ramps the game up, you are giving it oxygen ifynwim. They BOTH need the passive,safe partners to ramp up the sexual tension. Remove yourself and I bet she will move on until he finds another girlfriend to make her jealous with.

Except OP has said the woman's not doing that now. She's tactile, but the pawing and flirting has stopped. She said her partner's behaviour isn't concerning either. All they're doing is chatting but let's be honest, that's still not enough for OP, she doesn't want any interaction between them whatsoever. She wants him to treat the woman like a leper to prove his love to her. Yet if this was reversed and OP was her partner in this situation, everyone would be saying he's being too controlling and out of order for saying the only way their relationship can continue is if she cuts that other person dead.

What I read was that after OP had words, he then reignited the 'friendship' and stood there doing nothing while she put her arm around his waist. My own view is they are probably both getting something out of this ego wise and OP is better off out of it.

I felt at first she was being a control freak with neediness issues But then I remembered when an ex and mutual friend did exactly this.
She was with one of his best friends and we all socialised together. They would sit next to each other at every opportunity, give each other "playful" banter and pretend fights ( we were in our thirties!!) , long lingering stares that eventually became obvious. Nothing massive to put my finger on but I knew. It made me really insecure and changed my personality into being needy which I wasn't. Got rid of him and she and her boyfriend drifted out of the social group. They need partners to safely flirt and ramp up the " forbidden" excitement.

I missed that. He should've shrugged her off but didn't. That would annoy me, but not enough to throw away what sounds like a brilliant relationship the rest of the time.

Best of luck, @IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday. I remember reading your previous threads though this is the first time I’ve commented.

A woman I used to work with behaved very much in this way towards my partner and the male partners of her other colleagues at social events and it was always very uncomfortable to watch. You could always tell the men who didn’t mind it and let her do it versus the ones who didn’t like it.

I think you’re doing the right thing and hope everything works out for you.

I agree. Think it's so sad OP that you're prepared to leave what you've said has been your only real relationship, and one where you love him, without fighting for it. You say you want him to protect the relationship, but it seems as if you want to give up on it over injured pride when really he hasn't done anything wrong but has omitted to do something you want.

Relationships don't have to be perfect in order to be valuable. This really does sound like you are letting a very fixed sense of what you want destroy a good relationship. These things are precious, though; I think you need to be crystal clear with him if you really are going to stick to this line. You don't know what's in his mind and he may not have joined the dots in the same way you have. I'm on the spectrum too, and you just can't assume other people will have thought through this like a logical syllogism as you have.

He…sees my leaving as choice rather than something he has caused/allowed to happen.

Well you have made this choice based on what he has caused/allowed to happen. They set up an ego triangle, and on some level he is gratified by both of you adoring women. Even now, knowing what’s at stake, he is looping her in and interacting with her for much of the evening, as well as accepting her arm draped around his waist.

She launched a campaign to use him to grind your gears, and he’s been too unassertive to quash it, even though he had many opportunities for a quiet word. When she messaged him to offer meeting up 1:1, he could have addressed her behavior in a reply. Likewise, when you were honest with her in July, he should have backed up your home truths when she messaged him instead of cowardly staying silent.

@IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday, kudos for walking away from this destructive dynamic. Please don’t beat yourself up for tolerating it for a while — you just hoped he would step up, tighten his boundaries, and respect yours.

Personally, I would share the reason with the group members. They’ve all witnessed this untenable situation.

No. Relationships don't have to be perfect but there's no point in having one with someone who isn't loyal.

It doesn't matter that she isn't 'flirting' or stuff now. When I spoke to her, she promised she wouldn't do it any more.

He knew. I told her exactly what she had said.

And, yet, there she was, doing the things she'd promised she wouldn't and he let her.

It just made me realise that it's never going to stop. I'm not going to 'fight' for any relationship. If I have to 'fight' for someone to treat me with respect they're not worth it. I'm never going to fight over a man.

I don't care if she's got what she wanted. I will at least have the peace of mind I would never have had otherwise

Perhaps, but I think for IP that was the last straw. It shows that this is never going to be over because she can't help herself and he just stands there letting her do it. I couldn't be in a relationship where I was expected to just put up with it.

Personally, I would share the reason with the group members. They’ve all witnessed this untenable situation.

I just feel humiliated.

I'd be admitting to everyone that I'm not good enough.

Perhaps, but I think for IP that was the last straw. It shows that this is never going to be over because she can't help herself and he just stands there letting her do it

Yes.

On the contrary you'll be showing them you're too good to tolerate such base behaviour x

Ah I see, that's infuriating!
I was picturing saying it in front of him when he's putting up with her behaviour. That might work better?
I really do sympathise, she sounds a nightmare. I just think it's such a shame to lose him over it.

Your peace of mind is everything, but you would sacrifice that in this
rinse/repeat situation that will never change.

I totally get where you are coming from, I really do. But he's not cheated on OP or come anywhere close. He's made it clear he has no feelings whatsoever for this ridiculous woman who, judging by the comments about being chatted up outside the gig, reacts this way with lots of men, not just OP's partner. It's pathetic behaviour. I'm just concerned OP is throwing away a great relationship with a man she loves deeply because of a woman who is inconsequential to their relationship in the scheme of things. OP said herself this conversation comes up once a month if that. But if she's truly reached her tipping point, fair enough.

But you are. If you weren't, he'd have gone the whole hog and cheated by now. Just because for whatever reason – social awkwardness/not wanting to create a scene/secretly liking it – he doesn't bat her off him in a room full of people doesn't mean you're not good enough. I do hope the break up gives you peace of mind.

I do hope the break up gives you peace of mind.

And also try not to let it creep into any future relationship.

Yes. That's what I think too.

Oh, I won't be bothering again.

It's just too difficult. I think the universe is trying to tell me that I'm meant to be single. It's probably time I started listening.

In fairness it shouldn't even come up once a month because it shouldn't be happening. He is also prepared to lose a relationship by allowing something he knows is causing OP a great deal of hurt to continue regardless of her feelings. Even when he does now lose her I suspect he will still stand there doing nothing while he's being groped by some frustrated old tart. In his actions he's also made it clear OPs feelings are not a high enough priority for him to stop giving this woman the message that what she's doing is ok. He could brush the woman off but is actively encouraging it instead, knowing full well the hurt it is causing. If he wasn't aware of the hurt it's causing it would be another matter but he knows exactly how retched this makes his girlfriend feel and not just allows it to continue but actively encourages it by calling the woman over when it was completely unnecessary, knowing full well she'd be all over him like a rash the minute he did so. He's either being cowardly or doing it on purpose. Neither make the best trait for a loyal partner.

I forgot to say when I put the post up detailing what shebwas doing. Whenever she did any of it, she looked over his shoulder or turned around to me afterwards and smiled at me.

He knew this too.

She really isn't interested in him. I understand why people are saying they'll end up together but it really isn't like that.

It was never about him. It was about me and it was about her. But if he had said anything to her to stop her, she would have done. Her fragile ego wouldn't have allowed her to risk being rejected again.

I just know that I wouldn't ever be able to get past this.

You're right. I was defending him earlier, but if he's actively calling her over when he knows it's upsetting OP he's just being a shitbag who is getting off on the attention. I guess he never thought OP would follow through with her threat to leave.

How has he taken the news that it's really over? Have you spoken to him tonight?

That's exactly where I'm at with it. I think he didn't think she'd really walk away over it so didn't take it seriously.