Things have come to a head... 'friend' being OTT and flirting with boyfriend

[IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday]

Yes, I have posted about this a couple of times previously. I'm feeling really shit at the moment so I'd appreciate neutral amd supportive comments rather than critical ones. Thanks.

In a nutshell, I'm in a social/hobby group of a dozen or so people. Mostly coupled up. I started seeing someone within the group and one of the 20yrs+ married women started flirting with my boyfriend. It became so OTT that it was embarrassing - other people noticed and were commenting. I stopped engaging with her other than when essential. I didn't ignore her if she spoke to me but I started avoiding being in that situation.

I spoke with my boyfriend about it. People had also commented to him about it. He didn't want to upset her by saying anything directly, even something as simple and non confrontational as, "Don't do that," and decided to just avoid her as I was/not seek out her company. He told me that he didn't know why she was doing it (but felt it was more to do with me than him as, when we'd first met, she told she was jealous of me). He said he found it weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, it came to a bit of a head at the end of July when she asked me directly what the matter was. So I told her. I was cross about being the one who had to say something because it was nothing to do with me per se and I shouldn't have been the one who had to deal with it. She apologised to me and to him and no more was said. He didn't reply to her apology but it was definitely worded in such as way that it was intended to elicit reassurance on his part. He didn't give it.

We didn't meet up for the hobby over the summer so didn't see her again until a few weeks ago.

The first time, she ignored me, the second time she was friendly. I decided that, for the sake of the group, and so as not to be 'immature' as was suggested by some on here, that I would be amicable for everyone's sake.

However, she seemed to take this as a green light that everything was now OK, 6 weeks had passed and now it's business as usual. She hasn't been as bad and I wouldn't really describe her behaviour as flirting anymore bit she is still very tactile with him and he is now, seemingly, OK with it. I am not. I just feel I've been trampled over.

I feel betrayed by her as a friend. I feel betrayed that he has seemingly put it all behind him and he now seeks put her company for chats again. I'm sure others won't see a problem with that.

But it untenable for me. He and I had a long chat a couple of weeks ago and I said that I was strongly considering leaving the hobby over it because it was just unpleasant for me all the time - I feel disrespected and unvalued. He also told me in this conversation that he knew I would likely walk away from the relationship if I did. He was right.

The next time we were all together, and knowing this, he spent much of the evening chatting with her.

Afterwards, I told him that I would be leaving the hobby. He hasn't said anything about it either way. I have no idea what his thoughts are on it.

It's pretty much sounded the death knell for our relationship. I can't bear to be in the same room as either of them now.

He claims to have no interest in her and, by all accounts, he was in love with me for a while before we got together. He says he can't believe his luck. He tells me, and shows me, that he loves me. We spend all weekend together, we go out, he never behaves in a way that gives cause for concern other than this. He's overhauled my garden, cooks and does housework when he's here, treats me perfectly in every other respect. Talks about a future together and his actions, otherwise, seem to support this. But I just feel he doesn't respect me and has allowed the situation to continue despite knowing what the outcome will be.

I can't leave properly for another 3 weeks because we have a commitment to fulfill and I've agreed to do it. I'd be landing an awful lot of people in the shit if I pulled out now. But it's making me feel dreadful.

He says he has no interest in her but doesn't like to upset people and sees me leaving as choice rather than something he has caused/allowed to happen.

But I feel heartbroken and utterly bereft that I just don't seem to matter. I feel he has chosen being friendly with someone he claims to not even like all that much over an entire life with me.

Except that's only applied by text. When he saw her in person his response was to seek her out and spend time chatting with her during the hobby group instead of spending time with you/others. You appearing to wipe the slate clean was her green light to approach him. His response is her green light to continue her behaviour. The only reason he would do this is because he likes it. He doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't be willing to lose you over a friendship with a person he claims to find annoying. He's not fighting your corner, he's too busy in his own corner getting his ego stroked. He's not as lovely as he likes to make out.

I wonder if he'd prefer her if she wasn't married? He doesn't have contact outside the group with her because it's pointless, she's married so the relationship would go nowhere and maybe he doesn't want to be with a cheater anyway. He spends weekends with you, she's married he can't spend them with her. When he has the option of speaking with her at the hobby he seeks her out regardless of how that crushes you. It feels disrespectful because it is, you don't go out of your way to befriend your partner's enemy.

He's helpful towards you, great, that's ordinary human behaviour towards someone you're in a relationship with, doesn't make him special. Yes I know 75% of men are selfish shits but that doesn't mean someone displaying good behaviour should be sainted, it just means stay away from the other 75% .

He's doing all the right things on paper but when it comes down to it, emotionally he doesn't care enough. He's passive in the extreme. People like this are their own kind of shit because they'll never stick up for you, never rock the boat over anything. On top of that, they'll garner sympathy for their lack of action by managing to appear an underdog who is constantly beset by bad luck. In reality, they're doing exactly what they want to do 100% of the time.

You're absolutely right.

He sounds like one of those people who can't stand not being liked by all, and the risk of making her not like him by being firm with the her is not one that is able to take. This type of person is hell to have a relationship with, they will continue to prioritise others instead of you because of their overwhelming need to be liked.

In some respects he's probably not that different to her, with her need to be found sexually attractive by all the men.

OP this sounds very similar to the situation I had with a boyfriend at uni. Shared interest/hobby, girl interested in an ego boost and designs on him etc etc. many many tortured and sad conversations with my boyfriend but no let up in the behaviour.
We broke up around lunch time. He had slept with her by that night.
Like an absolute fool after a few months I was persuaded to take him back, he'd been through a bad patch, mental health everything different etc etc.
We had a couple of wonderful years. Got married, had a baby.
He then did the exact same thing when I was pregnant with our second child. Except this time he actually left and started a relationship.
Then a few years later he did the exact same thing again to that woman. Turns out that before me he'd done the same to a previous girlfriend, a few months before we got together, another one night stand with someone looking for an ego boost.
Now he's got his current girlfriend pregnant. I don't see it ending well.

I am so glad you know your worth better than me and are planning on leaving. If he truly respected you and respected your relationship he would have put a stop to this. My ex was the perfect man as well in every other situation except with his 'crush'. Decent men are decent all of the time and listen to their partners about what is hurting them.
I know it hurts and I know the next few weeks will be brutal but it will be better in the end. I love my children but I wish with my whole heart I'd had them with someone else, I should never have taken him back. Well done to you for valuing yourself and seeing exactly how you should be treated ❤️

@BlueSkyAndButterflies is correct, he is completely suiting himself.

You don't have boundaries.
You told him you did, but have allowed him to walk all over you and humiliate you.

While you insist you have to stick to arrangements that you have made🙄.

You talk the talk but you don't have any boundaries.

If you did you would have blown this up in his face and left him to deal with it.

Tell the group, him included, via text or email, at the same time, that her inappropriate behaviour and his complete acceptance of it, has spoiled the experience and participation for you, and you resign herewith.

Wish them luck.

He's a wimp.

By hanging on and having endless round in circles conversations, you have humilated yourself.

Firm action is required.
Let HIM deal with the fall out of being a weak selfish man.

Why is he taking more consideration to this woman’s feelings than to yours

this isn’t you being huffy and possessive in the face of one incident out of his control which would be unreasonable .

this is not on

OP, I recall your previous threads and commented on a few. I’m so sorry that he didn’t choose to stand by your side to protect your relationship.

This woman who thrives on male validation felt entitled to cling to your BF and target/sideline you. Not only did she invade your relationship with her thirsty moves, but she also told you that he fancies her, and lied that she is close to his children.

He too expressed discomfort with her behavior, and agreed that she has an agenda to diminish you. He said that if she continued, he would tell her ”he doesn’t like it and wants her to stop and that he finds it disrespectful.”

Unfortunately, the above was merely lip service. When she persisted, he failed to follow through with that definitive statement, and instead chose to passively avoid her antics when possible. That was an untenable red flag, and then he left you to address her behavior when she questioned you in July. I am not impressed that he didn’t proactively back you up when she messaged him afterward.

You told him the score in July — that if you felt uncomfortable about anything else, you were out. Despite this, he is now ‘very friendly’ with her, has called her over to join his conversation, and has allowed her waist embrace. I sense that he is enjoying being back in the groove with her. In time their dance will surely escalate.

Looking back, it’s clear that he allowed her into your relationship and is unwilling to close that window. He is more invested in pleasing her than he is in respecting your boundaries, building intimacy, and saving your partnership. He’s made his choice and so have you.

Completely agree with this.

You OP are trying to put everyone ahead of what is best for YOU, including this ego driven, weak selfish man.

He's a little rat.

You deserve better.

He's not going to change, he has shown you EXACTLY who he is.

Reclaim your dignity in this situation.

Calmly resign and walk away.

Any disappointment is down to the two of them and THEIR crass behaviour.

The others in the group will know this too.
It all could have been avoided if either of them had chosen to behaviour decently.

They haven't so the consequences are there for all to see.

Since she isn’t essential then and certainly not as much as you are, i’m sorry but it sounds to me like whatever he gets from her attention is more important than you are as you’ve realised.

He might swear blind he’s not interested in her but sorry no one allows someone to act that way unless they are interested and enjoying the attention. Might not even be a full blown crush on his end but you’ve seen he’s not even trying to avoid her and actively waved her over - that’s encouraging her behaviour and in quite a sneaky way. He can claim he’s just calming the waters and look like he’s the poor put upon man who things just happen to (oh and clearly so hot she can’t help herself) but his behaviour is not passive at all.

What’s worse is he’s got this persona of being a good guy and great partner - but he isn’t is he? It’s not hard to be an amazing partner, lover, companion when things are pleasant and easy and fun. You see the true strength of a relationship and who someone is when they deal with challenges to the relationship in my opinion. This was not a big deal initially - all he had to do was firmly say no, have a quiet word with her etc. Without allowing any behaviour. When she wrapped her arms around him all he needed to do was step back, remove her arms and have a quiet word that this was overstepping boundaries (aside from anything else it’s highly tacky to let a married person be so physical and flirtatious in front of everyone when that’s a massive disrespect to their spouse.). He chose not to and indeed passively encouraged it by not addressing it.

Hes a ‘good guy’ when it’s easy and suits him. He’s made it clear he doesn’t think you’d really leave over this - how manipulative is that? He believes he’s great enough so you will stay even if you might make a bit of a ‘fuss’ as he clearly sees it, no matter the protestations to you he doesn’t like her attentions. There’s nothing you can do at this stage as you’ve rightly figured out, he’s had his chance to show you who he is and he’s the kind of guy who would allow a loving relationship to implode rather than tell a married woman being inappropriate to stop.

If I were you i’d lose all respect tbh and question how great he truly is. Is this the only issue you’ve had? Because if everything else is peachy then I can only assume the rest of the time it’s enjoyable company, good sex, having a laugh and being affectionate etc - you know, the easy, ego-stroking bits.

Thanks for the replies.

I realise that I should have ended this back in July. I'm not going to wait until after the gig, I'm going to do it tonight.

We spoke last night and he said all the right things again bit they are just words. Nothing has changed and, even if it did, it won't undo the past or change how I feel.

There's nothing he could do now that would make any difference. Even if he were to leave and never see her again, i still wouldn't trust him. I don't trust him.

I'm just heartbroken about it. It's the first time in my life I've actually felt someone cared about me; loved me. But he isn't who I need as much as he might be who I want.

I'm going to tell the hobby that I'm leaving but not why. I don't think it'll make any difference and I don't want them to know that two people who claimed to love me could treat me with such little respect. Or that I let it go on for so long.

I'm going to keep the commitment later this month and meet with them the week before for the final prep for it. I can't miss that. But, after that, I won't see any of them again. He has some stuff at mine. I've got an outbuilding he can access, so I'll leave it in there for him and tell him to collect when he wants. I don't want to see him again. It's too hard.

Thank you for the support.

Lots of love to you, OP

Don't be embarrassed/ashamed about the rest of the hobby group knowing why you're leaving. They're not blind. They've mentioned the situation to both you an your ex. They'll already know and speculate, so you may as well say and stop the gossip. How you've been treated by those two is not a reflection on you, it's not your fault.

You were in love and optimistic, it's normal. Just look at the threads on here and the people you know in real life, half the world has no boundaries or faulty ones, you're not unusual and have nothing to blame yourself for. If nothing else you've learned from this situation and you've got the courage to walk away before he's completely destroyed your mental health, self esteem and confidence. You'll bounce back stronger.

If you need to walk away from the commitment to the hobby group then do so, let him and her get the evil looks from those left to pick up the pieces. You're not planning to see these people again so they can't be that important to you or you to them. If they had a life disaster, I'll bet all/most of them would do whatever was best for themselves without a second thought. You don't owe them anything.

Its ok to be heartbroken by this, you don't have to hide it to keep other people happy.

It sounds like you're settled on what the next step should be. Best of luck.

Best of luck op

Much love to you OP. You're very strong.

It's for the best

It's all very sad that you e been treated so disrespectfully by the pair of them. Personally after putting up with her appalling behaviour for so long and his poor attitude at how badly it has effected me, I just wouldn't be able slip away quietly with nobody knowing why I left. I'd want them knowing exactly why I left as it might give them she shake up they need to be rid of her once and for all, it's not the first time she's behaved so shabbily afterall. Of course, you need to do this the way that's right for you though.

I remember your thread from July and it's good that you were honest when she asked what was wrong. I just don't quite see why you are self-sabotaging now and ending the relationship and walking away from the hobby too. You say in your OP she hasn't been as bad and I wouldn't really describe her behaviour as flirting anymore bit she is still very tactile with him. Well, what is she doing? If she's grabbing his crotch or rubbing her boobs against him that's one thing, but touching him fleetingly on the arm while she's talking or hugging hello is quite another. He's told you over and over he's not interested in her, you say that there's nothing in his behaviour that's concerning, so why is them sitting together and talking disrespectful. Either you trust him or you don't. I actually feel sorry for him – it must be very wearying being accused for months of being in the wrong while on the other hand the person acknowledges you haven't done anything wrong. I wish you the best of luck but it really sounds as though you might be cutting off your nose to spite your face a bit.

Either you trust him or you don't.

Short answer is she doesn't.
If he's up to something she's better off out of it, if he isn't then he's better off out of it.

If he's up to something she's better off out of it, if he isn't then he's better off out of it.

Good way of putting it.

Personally I think you've been way too nice to her and your admonishment seemed to be about her disrespecting you.

She's insecure yes? Just slam her on how she's embarrassing herself?

"Oh my god, give it up seriously I'm embarrassed for you. How many more times are you going to try to physically touch him today? Is your husband bored of you? Well stop boring me with this desperate crap. Look deep, I'm sure your self respect is in there somewhere"

And then the boyfriend still just carries on letting her law all over him like a rash.....

It's not just her that's then problem here. And that is the real issue. He may not be encouraging it then he certainly isn't trying to stop it by standing there doing nothing while she puts her hands all over him then calls her over when he didn't need to. He's giving her the message that he's ok with it when he knows full well how hurt OP is by it.

Paw all over him.

This is very hard and I feel so sorry for you.

But! I agree with @BlueSkyAndButterflies again that you shouldn't walk away with out letting them know the facts.

Why leave it to gossip and speculation?

Their rude disrespectful behaviour dictates that you have dumped him and certainly don't want to be around someone who behaves like she does.

So you are moving on.

Look for another group, if you could find one and tell them you are moving to another group all the better.
No need to name it.

I really really hope the group falls apart and the others are really pissed off.