Things have come to a head... 'friend' being OTT and flirting with boyfriend

[IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday]

Yes, I have posted about this a couple of times previously. I'm feeling really shit at the moment so I'd appreciate neutral amd supportive comments rather than critical ones. Thanks.

In a nutshell, I'm in a social/hobby group of a dozen or so people. Mostly coupled up. I started seeing someone within the group and one of the 20yrs+ married women started flirting with my boyfriend. It became so OTT that it was embarrassing - other people noticed and were commenting. I stopped engaging with her other than when essential. I didn't ignore her if she spoke to me but I started avoiding being in that situation.

I spoke with my boyfriend about it. People had also commented to him about it. He didn't want to upset her by saying anything directly, even something as simple and non confrontational as, "Don't do that," and decided to just avoid her as I was/not seek out her company. He told me that he didn't know why she was doing it (but felt it was more to do with me than him as, when we'd first met, she told she was jealous of me). He said he found it weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, it came to a bit of a head at the end of July when she asked me directly what the matter was. So I told her. I was cross about being the one who had to say something because it was nothing to do with me per se and I shouldn't have been the one who had to deal with it. She apologised to me and to him and no more was said. He didn't reply to her apology but it was definitely worded in such as way that it was intended to elicit reassurance on his part. He didn't give it.

We didn't meet up for the hobby over the summer so didn't see her again until a few weeks ago.

The first time, she ignored me, the second time she was friendly. I decided that, for the sake of the group, and so as not to be 'immature' as was suggested by some on here, that I would be amicable for everyone's sake.

However, she seemed to take this as a green light that everything was now OK, 6 weeks had passed and now it's business as usual. She hasn't been as bad and I wouldn't really describe her behaviour as flirting anymore bit she is still very tactile with him and he is now, seemingly, OK with it. I am not. I just feel I've been trampled over.

I feel betrayed by her as a friend. I feel betrayed that he has seemingly put it all behind him and he now seeks put her company for chats again. I'm sure others won't see a problem with that.

But it untenable for me. He and I had a long chat a couple of weeks ago and I said that I was strongly considering leaving the hobby over it because it was just unpleasant for me all the time - I feel disrespected and unvalued. He also told me in this conversation that he knew I would likely walk away from the relationship if I did. He was right.

The next time we were all together, and knowing this, he spent much of the evening chatting with her.

Afterwards, I told him that I would be leaving the hobby. He hasn't said anything about it either way. I have no idea what his thoughts are on it.

It's pretty much sounded the death knell for our relationship. I can't bear to be in the same room as either of them now.

He claims to have no interest in her and, by all accounts, he was in love with me for a while before we got together. He says he can't believe his luck. He tells me, and shows me, that he loves me. We spend all weekend together, we go out, he never behaves in a way that gives cause for concern other than this. He's overhauled my garden, cooks and does housework when he's here, treats me perfectly in every other respect. Talks about a future together and his actions, otherwise, seem to support this. But I just feel he doesn't respect me and has allowed the situation to continue despite knowing what the outcome will be.

I can't leave properly for another 3 weeks because we have a commitment to fulfill and I've agreed to do it. I'd be landing an awful lot of people in the shit if I pulled out now. But it's making me feel dreadful.

He says he has no interest in her but doesn't like to upset people and sees me leaving as choice rather than something he has caused/allowed to happen.

But I feel heartbroken and utterly bereft that I just don't seem to matter. I feel he has chosen being friendly with someone he claims to not even like all that much over an entire life with me.

That's exactly it.

But the OP is just as bothered, if not more bothered by the other womans behaviour than her boyfriends. Yes, the boyfriend could stand up to the woman, but then what?

What is the desired outcome vs the likely outcome? Those will not look the same. Is it really just enough on principle, knowing that it would like make the woman double down on her behaviour, when her behaviour is a major part of this problem?

It is pretty clear that this woman is not normal, and the normal social tactics not only don't work, but are likely to further embolden the behaviour.

Ultimately, it sounds like it is way to late now, but the only way this could have been resolved would have been for the boyfriend to remove himself from the group entirely, as that is the only part of this he actually has any control over.

And more directly to the OP...So what if this other woman thinks she got one over on you, that she thinks she is making you jealous, that she thinks she is somehow winning, and for that matter, winning what exactly? Really, why does it matter to you what she thinks?

Because of his role in the group, when I started dating him, it elevated my standing in the group and she felt threatened by it

I've always kind of got the feeling through all your threads that you have appreciated this ... lets say... elevation in the hierarchy here, and that this woman has been the only aspect that has pissed on your bonfire. Hard to say whether you're fixation on this issue is justified or whether you should just let it go, but don't put him on such a pedestal.

It doesn't anymore. Except that she was supposed to be my friend.

When I removed myself from the group chat, she was one of two people to contact me and ask if everything was OK.

I just said I was taking a bit of a break from a couple of things and she gave me the whole, if there's anything I can do/if you need to talk... spiel 🙄

It is too late. He has said nothing. Just let it continue until the point I had to say something because she asked me.

But if he'd stood up for me/us at any point, she could have carried on and we'd have ignored but, as he hasn't, I'm left with wondering whether he meant any of what he said to me. After all, he's prepared to lose over it.

I wouldn't ever have expected him to leave the hobby over it and, tbh, the reasion I'm walking away from both is because I now feel that would be the only solution. And I'm not prepared to ask him to do that.

I can understand why you are so disappointed in him. If this one issue is anything to go by there would be many bigger issues equally and far more damaging to a relationship that he'd be just as passive over. Ultimately I don't even think she is the real issue here, i just don't think you're compatible and it's better to walk away now. He's never going to be the person you want him to be. Even after this there will always be issues he is too passive with and you'll always be upset that he won't address. That last meeting where she put her arm round his waist and he just stood there and didn't move away was the clincher. His words and actions are just not aligned and far better you've seen this now than later.

Have you told him you are ending the relationship or are you waiting until after this event so you can walk away from him and it?

Obviously, it's hard to convey in posts but I didn't feel that at all. In fact, it was suggested to me by someone else in the group as her reason for it. He also suggested it. I don't have any sense of a hierarchy.

I just didn't put the "it looks to her like" qualifier because it didn't feel necessary. And obviously people reading only have the words i use to go on. I get that.

I explained in a previous thread that I'm autistic. The little social ways of NTs leave me a bit a lot of the time 😉

The only thing I'd be doing any differently to you is that when I walked away from the hobby and the relationship I'd be making sure everyone else knew exactly why. I wouldn't be letting her come out of this unscathed.

That's really unnecessary if it's not longer going to impact OP. She's leaving that friendship group entirely. There's no need to stir the shit.

It's always going to impact the OP. She isn't just going to forget any of this ever happened just because she left when it's the entire reason she did so.

@LuckyLil but the group ostracising the other woman won't impact her, will it.

A couple of weeks ago, I told him I'm leaving the hobby after the next commitment. I said that he was the only thing keeping me there and he said is that because I'd have to walk away from all of it - including him - when I've left. I said yes.

He said it didn't have to mean the end of the relationship. I said, given the reasons I'd be leaving, it did.

And that was it. Literally nothing more was said on it and nothing has been said since. Except that he messaged last night to ask if I was going to attend the hobby this week which irritated me because I'd already told him I wasn't. I don't think he actually believes I'll do either if I'm honest.

In retrospect, he should have said just that, perhaps even a bit bit more forcefully.

That said, you have to know that even had she said she was sorry, that her behaviour would not only not have changed, but likely escalated right?

It might give her closure that she wasn't just I aging it though.

Imagining

I don't think they would ostracised her.

She was doing similar to one of the other men before my bf and it was just a bit of a joke. They took the piss out of her privately because he wasn't interested (either). But his wife only attends the social bits and not the hobby. She never did it in front of his wife because she's not someone you'd want to cross.

I think I'd be seen as the problem for not just ignoring her. But I've tried that and it's making me feel ill and anxious.

Besides, I wouldn't know if they did because I'll just cut them all off.

I know I'm not imagining it. Enough other people have commented to prove that.

And I won't be the first person to leave because of her behaviour. No one else who's been on the receiving end but just people who find her irritating and don't want to he around it.

That could be the reason he's let it go on so long without stopping it, because he doesn't believe that you will really leave. Burying his head in the sand basically.

But she's no longer flirting with him! She stopped. So why dump him? He didn't actually do anything wrong. I don't like upsetting people either. I used to let men flirt with me and just be nonplussed about it. As I didn't feel I could be confrontational. My partner used to be annoyed, and want me to say something to shut them down?! If it upsets you still, then take a break from the hobby. But to dump him, seems harsh. Especially when he's not even reciprocating.

She's dumping him because she can't get past him letting her down when the woman was flirting with him, and having since restarted his friendship with her and spending a lot more time with her than anyone else at the hobby.

It's hard to trust someone who you know won't enforce boundaries.

I think so. He knows I love him. I do but I'm also not an idiot.

I don't think he believes I will walk away from everything we have and could have because of her.

But I'm not walking away because of her. I'm walking away because I can't trust him. He's not being loyal. And I'm not sure he's being honest.

They can't do the hobby properly without me. In the past, if I've not gone, it's been cancelled for that week and everyone has gone to the pub down the road insread.

I don't think he'll tell me if he's spent the evening at the pub (with her) on a jolly 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think he'll pretend they did the hobby.

And I feel disloyal for thinking that. But that's where I'm at.

I expect people I'm in a relationship with to have boundaries 🤷🏻‍♀️

I suspect it is more likely that he doesn't challenge the behaviour because from a practical standpoint, he knows it will not actually accomplish anything, won't change her behaviour, cause even more unnecessary wind up, and counterintuitively, just encourage her even more...like waving the flag in front of the bull so to speak.

This isn't their first go round with this womans behaviour. They have seen it before, so they have to know that there is nothing they can do to change how the other woman behaves.

Exactly this.