Things have come to a head... 'friend' being OTT and flirting with boyfriend

[IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday]

Yes, I have posted about this a couple of times previously. I'm feeling really shit at the moment so I'd appreciate neutral amd supportive comments rather than critical ones. Thanks.

In a nutshell, I'm in a social/hobby group of a dozen or so people. Mostly coupled up. I started seeing someone within the group and one of the 20yrs+ married women started flirting with my boyfriend. It became so OTT that it was embarrassing - other people noticed and were commenting. I stopped engaging with her other than when essential. I didn't ignore her if she spoke to me but I started avoiding being in that situation.

I spoke with my boyfriend about it. People had also commented to him about it. He didn't want to upset her by saying anything directly, even something as simple and non confrontational as, "Don't do that," and decided to just avoid her as I was/not seek out her company. He told me that he didn't know why she was doing it (but felt it was more to do with me than him as, when we'd first met, she told she was jealous of me). He said he found it weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, it came to a bit of a head at the end of July when she asked me directly what the matter was. So I told her. I was cross about being the one who had to say something because it was nothing to do with me per se and I shouldn't have been the one who had to deal with it. She apologised to me and to him and no more was said. He didn't reply to her apology but it was definitely worded in such as way that it was intended to elicit reassurance on his part. He didn't give it.

We didn't meet up for the hobby over the summer so didn't see her again until a few weeks ago.

The first time, she ignored me, the second time she was friendly. I decided that, for the sake of the group, and so as not to be 'immature' as was suggested by some on here, that I would be amicable for everyone's sake.

However, she seemed to take this as a green light that everything was now OK, 6 weeks had passed and now it's business as usual. She hasn't been as bad and I wouldn't really describe her behaviour as flirting anymore bit she is still very tactile with him and he is now, seemingly, OK with it. I am not. I just feel I've been trampled over.

I feel betrayed by her as a friend. I feel betrayed that he has seemingly put it all behind him and he now seeks put her company for chats again. I'm sure others won't see a problem with that.

But it untenable for me. He and I had a long chat a couple of weeks ago and I said that I was strongly considering leaving the hobby over it because it was just unpleasant for me all the time - I feel disrespected and unvalued. He also told me in this conversation that he knew I would likely walk away from the relationship if I did. He was right.

The next time we were all together, and knowing this, he spent much of the evening chatting with her.

Afterwards, I told him that I would be leaving the hobby. He hasn't said anything about it either way. I have no idea what his thoughts are on it.

It's pretty much sounded the death knell for our relationship. I can't bear to be in the same room as either of them now.

He claims to have no interest in her and, by all accounts, he was in love with me for a while before we got together. He says he can't believe his luck. He tells me, and shows me, that he loves me. We spend all weekend together, we go out, he never behaves in a way that gives cause for concern other than this. He's overhauled my garden, cooks and does housework when he's here, treats me perfectly in every other respect. Talks about a future together and his actions, otherwise, seem to support this. But I just feel he doesn't respect me and has allowed the situation to continue despite knowing what the outcome will be.

I can't leave properly for another 3 weeks because we have a commitment to fulfill and I've agreed to do it. I'd be landing an awful lot of people in the shit if I pulled out now. But it's making me feel dreadful.

He says he has no interest in her but doesn't like to upset people and sees me leaving as choice rather than something he has caused/allowed to happen.

But I feel heartbroken and utterly bereft that I just don't seem to matter. I feel he has chosen being friendly with someone he claims to not even like all that much over an entire life with me.

Maybe, but even if the message wasn't acted upon, it could still have been sent and received.

Depending on what you mean by “seeking her out to talk to her”, and if I’m taking this as literal - he seems to gravitate towards her - I’d see this as a red flag after the conversation you’ve had with him and concerns about her behaviour. How much respect does he have for you or does his interest in her override that respect? He should have your corner, and if you have communicated your feelings clearly and he’s not actively in it, I’d lose respect for him.

Sounds lovely all the other things he does for you, but respect and loyalty are such biggies.

OK. He doesn't seek her out constantly but more than I would like given the circumstances. He was talking to someone else the last event we did and, as she walked past, he completely unnecessarily called her over to join the conversation he was having with someone else 🤷🏻‍♀️

"I don't think he actually believes I'll do either if I'm honest"

I expect this is true.

Either that or he doesn't care.

Try to be brutally honest with yourself here...

If he had made it clear to her in no uncertain terms, and she continued or escalated her behaviour, would that really and truthfully been enough for you? I know on the surface you think it would, but deep down, put youself in that position and consider her behaviour continuing, would that truly have been enough reassurance for you? Knowing full well that the woman would still feel as if she had gotten one over on you, and would continue needling the situation?

You yourself have said that the only person to have had any affect on her, to keep her in check was that other mans wife who you described as someone you don't cross. What was it about that woman that made her that way?

OP, I've read all your posts and it rings a lot of bells for performing arts groups I've been in, especially musical theatre. The bonds become very tight and people can become unusually close - hence it can all get a bit incestuous with relationships and there can be huge fallouts (not to mention the egos, hierarchies and big personalities!).

I'm really sad that it has come to this for you. Unfortunately I've seen this sort of thing many times in my hobbies. I really hope you find someone who is prepared to stand up for your relationship in future.

He won't enforce boundaries, well he won't stick by your boundaries. He should have just told her that you didn't want him talking to her and walked away.

I think it's time to walk. What if he drops the group and gets involved in another social grouping eg AmDram would you be watching his friendships? I can quite understand that you both say that you love each other however you don't seem to be good together.

Oh he'd care.

He messaged me earlier today and I didn't get chance to reply - work has been manic. He messaged me a couple of hours ago asking if I was OK.

I finally had chance to message him and said work had been busy and that I'm not OK but not prepared to talk about it now.

He's offered to not go to the hobby because he'd rather see me if I want to talk. Which makes me suspicious that it's been cancelled in favour of the pub because they really can't do it without both of us.

Dummy question, sorry. Have you told him you will break up with him because he hasn’t told her to stop behaving like a sex starved idiot around him? Is he willing to destroy your relationship because he’d rather not hurt her feelings?

It's a choir isn't it. He's the musical director/ conductor and you are the accompanist.

You yourself have said that the only person to have had any affect on her, to keep her in check was that other mans wife who you described as someone you don't cross. What was it about that woman that made her that way?

She could flatten her if she chose to 😉 she certainly wouldn't take any prisoners. She a lovely but quite intimidating woman.

Why on earth are you keeping this up for the next 3 weeks?

Who cares if they can't do it without you? They've all enabled this - sod them!

Because we're doing it for some people who I like and I don't want to let them down.

Not quite but it might as well be. The dynamics would be similar.

Well if those people like you too, they'd understand. Life is too short for this nonsense.

Obviously, if this is for charity, it is different.

Pretty much.

This is what I posted earlier...

A couple of weeks ago, I told him I'm leaving the hobby after the next commitment. I said that he was the only thing keeping me there and he said is that because I'd have to walk away from all of it - including him - when I've left. I said yes.

He said it didn't have to mean the end of the relationship. I said, given the reasons I'd be leaving, it did.

He'd rather lose me than her is the bottom line. Or is, at least, how it feels. I told him the last time we spoke about it in July that if there was anything else at all that made me uncomfortable, I'd be leaving. He allowed it to happen.

Allow him to leave if he wants

dont get emotional

just x doesn’t have boundaries and you don’t respect the boundaries I put in place and made clear - so either you do or im
out. Given I told her before it’s your place to or leave and we find a new group

I agree with this.
He's clearly just not a confrontational person. Perhaps particularly not with a woman. That doesn't make someone 'spineless'. He's probably mortified by the whole thing. You can take the piss out of her (definitely in a 'are you STILL chasing after him' rather than the 'get a room you two' way....that was an awful suggestion!). You can say 'can't you see you're embarassing him and he's too polite to say anything?' if you want to step it up a notch. But you can't micromanage exactly how another person's handles everything.

He'd rather lose me than her is the bottom line

Or perhaps he'd rather leave than stay in s relationship where he's being told who he can associate with. Given nothings actually happened other than he's not done as he was told.

But that's just assuming she would ramp it up and escelate if he challenged her. What if him actually having a pair of balls and meaning it was all it took to give her the message her behaviour was unacceptable and she actually backed off? We'll never know because he won't do it.

That's the hard part. He is part of the founding few. It's not just any hobby. It's something he and a couple of mates created. He does something similar with other people. As do I. But there's something special about this one for him. And I get that. I wouldn't ask him to leave. And I wouldn't want him to unless it was entirely his choice for his own reasons.

But that's the problem. For me, it's come down to she does, he does or I do. She won't (and others wouldn't want her to), I would hate for him to so I will.

I think it would. She's obviously hugely insecure which is why it's so important for her to believe all the men fancy her.

I don't think she'd have risked further rejection.

This is such a sad situation and I really feel for you OP. I hope you're OK and have friends IRL who will support you. It's so painful and frustrating when a person you love behaves like this.

Oh and that woman sounds like a total dick. There's a special place in hell for women who do this sort of thing to other women.