Things have come to a head... 'friend' being OTT and flirting with boyfriend

[IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday]

Yes, I have posted about this a couple of times previously. I'm feeling really shit at the moment so I'd appreciate neutral amd supportive comments rather than critical ones. Thanks.

In a nutshell, I'm in a social/hobby group of a dozen or so people. Mostly coupled up. I started seeing someone within the group and one of the 20yrs+ married women started flirting with my boyfriend. It became so OTT that it was embarrassing - other people noticed and were commenting. I stopped engaging with her other than when essential. I didn't ignore her if she spoke to me but I started avoiding being in that situation.

I spoke with my boyfriend about it. People had also commented to him about it. He didn't want to upset her by saying anything directly, even something as simple and non confrontational as, "Don't do that," and decided to just avoid her as I was/not seek out her company. He told me that he didn't know why she was doing it (but felt it was more to do with me than him as, when we'd first met, she told she was jealous of me). He said he found it weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, it came to a bit of a head at the end of July when she asked me directly what the matter was. So I told her. I was cross about being the one who had to say something because it was nothing to do with me per se and I shouldn't have been the one who had to deal with it. She apologised to me and to him and no more was said. He didn't reply to her apology but it was definitely worded in such as way that it was intended to elicit reassurance on his part. He didn't give it.

We didn't meet up for the hobby over the summer so didn't see her again until a few weeks ago.

The first time, she ignored me, the second time she was friendly. I decided that, for the sake of the group, and so as not to be 'immature' as was suggested by some on here, that I would be amicable for everyone's sake.

However, she seemed to take this as a green light that everything was now OK, 6 weeks had passed and now it's business as usual. She hasn't been as bad and I wouldn't really describe her behaviour as flirting anymore bit she is still very tactile with him and he is now, seemingly, OK with it. I am not. I just feel I've been trampled over.

I feel betrayed by her as a friend. I feel betrayed that he has seemingly put it all behind him and he now seeks put her company for chats again. I'm sure others won't see a problem with that.

But it untenable for me. He and I had a long chat a couple of weeks ago and I said that I was strongly considering leaving the hobby over it because it was just unpleasant for me all the time - I feel disrespected and unvalued. He also told me in this conversation that he knew I would likely walk away from the relationship if I did. He was right.

The next time we were all together, and knowing this, he spent much of the evening chatting with her.

Afterwards, I told him that I would be leaving the hobby. He hasn't said anything about it either way. I have no idea what his thoughts are on it.

It's pretty much sounded the death knell for our relationship. I can't bear to be in the same room as either of them now.

He claims to have no interest in her and, by all accounts, he was in love with me for a while before we got together. He says he can't believe his luck. He tells me, and shows me, that he loves me. We spend all weekend together, we go out, he never behaves in a way that gives cause for concern other than this. He's overhauled my garden, cooks and does housework when he's here, treats me perfectly in every other respect. Talks about a future together and his actions, otherwise, seem to support this. But I just feel he doesn't respect me and has allowed the situation to continue despite knowing what the outcome will be.

I can't leave properly for another 3 weeks because we have a commitment to fulfill and I've agreed to do it. I'd be landing an awful lot of people in the shit if I pulled out now. But it's making me feel dreadful.

He says he has no interest in her but doesn't like to upset people and sees me leaving as choice rather than something he has caused/allowed to happen.

But I feel heartbroken and utterly bereft that I just don't seem to matter. I feel he has chosen being friendly with someone he claims to not even like all that much over an entire life with me.

That she thing, they won't. She's been married for 20 years, he is not someojensje would want to be with or risk that for. She doesn't actually fancy him...

It's a power play. She is competing with me for his attention. He says tye same himself. As far as he is concerned, he isn't interested in her and I should just ignore it. He doesn't want unpleasantness in the group.

But all the responsibility for it is on me - me to ignore, me to tolerate, me to accept... no challenge to her behaviour amd no responsibility on him to manage the situation. And I'm the only one who can't change it.

So he’s never given you any cause for concern, not actually done anything disrespectful, treats you wonderfully and you’re bereft and heartbroken?

you’re ending your relationship because he refuses to blank a woman he knows socially?

honestly you sound a bit dramatic and unhealthily jealous/needy

Where is her husband in all of this?

It’s not an am-dram group, is it?

But what is the behaviour you want challenged? Cordial conversation?

honestly you sound a bit controlling.

it’s totally fine to have healthy boundaries, but deliberately sabotaging g your relationship because your boyfriend won’t behave exactly as you want is OTT

He doesn't now but he did go along with it before because he didn't see any harm in ot/thought it was just jokey but she ramped it up and then he wasn't quite sue how to respond. The previous jokiness had escalated into something that he wasn't happy with but rather than putting a boundary in place - this new stuff? It's not OK - he continued to go along with it even though he thought it was 'odd'. It was only when I said something he told me that someone else had already said something to him about it. Until then he thought he was just being a bit 'precious' I suppose. After all, it's a friendly group. Everyone hugs. But not everyone does the things she started doing.

I suppose the crux of it is that there isn't actually anything happening now that is the problem but because of the way the whole things wasn't dealt with, it's just left me thinking he's really passive and won't take responsibility for anything.

How far would he allow something to go fornthe sake of not upsetting a woman who was behaving in appropriately? Just how disrespectful would he be towards me for the sake of keeping someone else's peace?

It's just destroyed the trust.

It's something like that...

Oblivious, tbh. He is literally oblivious. Hence why she seeks attention from others. It was another man, her friend's husband, before this

I would feel the same.

But honestly OP, I would also know that it was about me and my own insecurities, and try to work on it to try not to be controlling.

If someone flirted with me and I constantly ignored them but DH made a big drama at them and kept going on at me then eventually told me to quit the club or else, I'd be pretty pissed off.

In previous posts the lady was hugging op's boyfriend randomly (i.e. not as a greeting or goodbye), stroking his arms, etc. Multiple people apparently asked op about it after nights out etc.

OP before you said he was happy to say something if needed - why hasn't he?
Why can't you feel you both can laugh at her and be tactile/flirty to each other in the group instead? Obviously it's annoying and she's a known issue in the group but if shes trying to compete then you just don't engage - be the confident in love couple of the group. Dont you kiss/hug in the social events like gigs/pubs etc? Does she not react to that?

I'm not sure what more he can do if he's ignoring her messages/touching etc and not enjoying it/reciprocating with flirting (he can say one thing and act another way)

I do think it could be worth trying to address it before losing an otherwise perfect sounding partner.

But you didn’t dump him then?
jyst clung to your resentment and now you’re dumping him even though this behaviour doesn’t occur?

If it was me, I'd pick them up on their behaviour in-front of everyone.

'Ohh Karen, are you still trying your luck with my boyfriend?'

'That's my boyfriend's arm you are stroking'

'Boyfriend, have I been neglecting you?'

This might be slightly immature, and I know it doesn't address the issues with your relationship, but I couldn't let them get away with it.

But he hasn’t been disrespectful to you.
you’re making him responsible for her behaviour - why?
why is he responsible for it but you aren’t?

However I do understand it's really unfair and potentially a bit sexist, imagine a man flirting constantly with you and you just pretending to ignore it.. What would he do?

its not hard for a man, who wants to keep his girlfriend happy, to ensure he doesn't chat too much to a woman who is an issue.

if she asks a question on HOBBY - he leads you into the response - oh X did that last time, hey come over and tell Y all about it. or refuse a hug as he is sniffy/has a cold right now.

i mean its dating 101. so yes he doesn't need to blank her but he does need to keep bringing it back to "i am a couple, she is here, we can both talk to you",

i think thats all the re-assurance the OP needs - a lot of WE language at the hobby.

(and really, should there not be more HOBBYING at the hobby and less private chats)

(i mean we have all chatted to men who do this and then find it funny as we were not interested in dating them anyway but we recognise what they are trying to convey)

Your behaviour is controlling though - you shouldn't be trying to tell a partner what they have to do or give ultimatums. You don't like it, you've made him aware you don't like it, it's up to him how he responds to that.

Personally, I'd start taking the absolute piss out of them whenever the flirting occurs: "Eugh, get a room you two". Joke about her joining you for threesome. Joke with her husband about the two of you being left out "Perhaps we should couple up too". Make them look daft in front of the whole group and they'll probably stop quickly.

Sounds like they've know each other for years, but the flirting only started once he'd got together with you? So she's only doing it to wind you up and provoke a reaction from you. Don't give her the reaction she wants. Laugh it off and mock them.

If you are hellbent on giving something up don't give up the hobby first, give up the relationship.

He’s enabling what sounds like bullying so OP needs, for her own well-being, to remove herself from the situation.

He says he has no interest in her but doesn't like to upset people

What a hypocrite. He doesn't want to upset her, but he doesn't seem to mind you being upset about it.

I'm sad you're going to sabotage this otherwise really decent relationship over a crazy lady.
You're insisting on seeing his behavior as disrespectful, when really he's just dealing with an uncomfortable situation in a different way to the way you'd deal with it. You've allowed this to poison your relationship and how you feel about him.
Really hope you're making the right decision and that you won't regret it later OP.
No one is perfect.
Good Luck.

Yes, there’s a pattern in her behaviour and not in your DP’s.

She sounds like a needy nightmare.

No advice but good luck - sounds like maybe splitting with your DP would not constitute a victory here.

What, exactly, do you expect your boyfriend to do? He's not flirting, he's simply being cordial and respectful to her when he has to be in her presence, he's not communicating with her outside of your hobby. What more do you want?

You are making the silly, pathetic actions of some woman and blowing it up to this huge drama. You are throwing away a good relationship for absolutely no reason other than you can't manage your overwhelming insecurities. It's quite unfortunate.

I've been the boyfriend in a similar relationship and situation, and it is utterly exhausting.

From experience I'd say trust your gut feelings and get out of the relationship.

Rightly or wrongly it isn't working for you and isn't making you happy. You sound like an intelligent and emotionally astute woman, so maybe you know deep down that this isn't working for you?

I've been there, I was so scared of leaving. But the absolute sigh of relief when I left was like a tonne of bricks had been thrown off my shoulders.

The only way to fix this is for your boyfriend to call her out on her behaviour in no uncertain terms. He needs to tell her that he knows she's doing it because she resents you (for whatever reason - it sounds like jealousy to me) and he wants her to stop immediately because it makes him really uncomfortable. He doesn't want her to touch him or flirt with him. It's also incredibly disrespectful to you personally and to your relationship.

But it doesn't sound like he's got the balls to do that. His refusal to put you and your relationship before this pathetic woman would be an enormous turn off for me, OP. And, as you say, it would make me question all sorts of potential future scenarios.

OP I remember your previous threads and you seem to be in the exact same situation, psychologically.

You're fixated on your boyfriend dealing with the matter in the exact and only manner you deem appropriate, which seems to be... blanking this woman at social events? Not talking to her beyond X minutes? It seems unreasonable to me, especially as she's no longer flirting with him, but more to the point he's not going to do it to your satisfaction because that's not his personality.

You're unwilling or unable to deal with your own feelings on the matter. He's unwilling or unable to change who he is and extend a drama he didn't ask for. Yes, stop beating this dead horse and end it already. Get out of this holding pattern. It no longer matters who's right and who's wrong, this won't be resolved.