Things have come to a head... 'friend' being OTT and flirting with boyfriend

[IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday]

Yes, I have posted about this a couple of times previously. I'm feeling really shit at the moment so I'd appreciate neutral amd supportive comments rather than critical ones. Thanks.

In a nutshell, I'm in a social/hobby group of a dozen or so people. Mostly coupled up. I started seeing someone within the group and one of the 20yrs+ married women started flirting with my boyfriend. It became so OTT that it was embarrassing - other people noticed and were commenting. I stopped engaging with her other than when essential. I didn't ignore her if she spoke to me but I started avoiding being in that situation.

I spoke with my boyfriend about it. People had also commented to him about it. He didn't want to upset her by saying anything directly, even something as simple and non confrontational as, "Don't do that," and decided to just avoid her as I was/not seek out her company. He told me that he didn't know why she was doing it (but felt it was more to do with me than him as, when we'd first met, she told she was jealous of me). He said he found it weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, it came to a bit of a head at the end of July when she asked me directly what the matter was. So I told her. I was cross about being the one who had to say something because it was nothing to do with me per se and I shouldn't have been the one who had to deal with it. She apologised to me and to him and no more was said. He didn't reply to her apology but it was definitely worded in such as way that it was intended to elicit reassurance on his part. He didn't give it.

We didn't meet up for the hobby over the summer so didn't see her again until a few weeks ago.

The first time, she ignored me, the second time she was friendly. I decided that, for the sake of the group, and so as not to be 'immature' as was suggested by some on here, that I would be amicable for everyone's sake.

However, she seemed to take this as a green light that everything was now OK, 6 weeks had passed and now it's business as usual. She hasn't been as bad and I wouldn't really describe her behaviour as flirting anymore bit she is still very tactile with him and he is now, seemingly, OK with it. I am not. I just feel I've been trampled over.

I feel betrayed by her as a friend. I feel betrayed that he has seemingly put it all behind him and he now seeks put her company for chats again. I'm sure others won't see a problem with that.

But it untenable for me. He and I had a long chat a couple of weeks ago and I said that I was strongly considering leaving the hobby over it because it was just unpleasant for me all the time - I feel disrespected and unvalued. He also told me in this conversation that he knew I would likely walk away from the relationship if I did. He was right.

The next time we were all together, and knowing this, he spent much of the evening chatting with her.

Afterwards, I told him that I would be leaving the hobby. He hasn't said anything about it either way. I have no idea what his thoughts are on it.

It's pretty much sounded the death knell for our relationship. I can't bear to be in the same room as either of them now.

He claims to have no interest in her and, by all accounts, he was in love with me for a while before we got together. He says he can't believe his luck. He tells me, and shows me, that he loves me. We spend all weekend together, we go out, he never behaves in a way that gives cause for concern other than this. He's overhauled my garden, cooks and does housework when he's here, treats me perfectly in every other respect. Talks about a future together and his actions, otherwise, seem to support this. But I just feel he doesn't respect me and has allowed the situation to continue despite knowing what the outcome will be.

I can't leave properly for another 3 weeks because we have a commitment to fulfill and I've agreed to do it. I'd be landing an awful lot of people in the shit if I pulled out now. But it's making me feel dreadful.

He says he has no interest in her but doesn't like to upset people and sees me leaving as choice rather than something he has caused/allowed to happen.

But I feel heartbroken and utterly bereft that I just don't seem to matter. I feel he has chosen being friendly with someone he claims to not even like all that much over an entire life with me.

So knowing that he can not actually control how she behaves, nor is he responsible for her behaviour, and knowing that not reciprocating her behaviour has done nothing, and knowing that any direct confrontation is higly unlikely to lead to her changing her behaviour, what would you have him do?

Her behaviour will continue exactly as is because she is the one behaving that way and has given zero signs of wanting to change her behaviour, and she is the only one who is responsible for her behaviour, and she is the only one who can control her behaviour, and she is behaving this way because she wants to behave this way.

So again, what would you have him do? The only recourse I can see, and the only thing you and him actually have control of for changing the dynamic is for him to quit the group.

I had a friend who went through similar, @IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday - and she called the other woman out on it, in front of the group. Not in a jokey, "let's embarrass them" way, but in a "you are aware that you have your own husband to paw at the arm of pathetically, aren't you...?" sort of a way. Steel eyed glare and not-amused expression to boot! It worked. Embarrassed the other woman out of her behavior, made the rest of the group aware of what had happened (so she couldn't spin sob-stories about my friend being mean), and actually made my friend's husband very relieved to have been rescued. So many men feel like they can't say anything mean to a woman these days, without being accused of all sorts (not the reality, I know, but how they feel!).

It'll take chutzpah, OP, but might be worth a go?

This situation is clearly not doing you any good. You cannot deal with this, so end the relationship, leave the hobby and move on.

Be prepared for him to end up with this stupid cow not long after you dump him and be prepared for him to say he doesn't know why you'd be bothered because you aren't together anymore x

OK. To clarify a few things.

I haven't issued an ultimatum at any point.

I haven't demanded he leave the hobby at any point.

I haven't dictated who he can and can't speak to at any point.

I haven't told him what to do at any point.

What I have done is explain how what is happened has made me feel. He has asked questions and I have answered honestly.

He has been free to respond to me, her and the situation in any way he wanted and he has.

I'm not ending it as a punishment. I'm ending it because I can't trust him because of how I feel. Because there isn't really anything he can do now because the damage is done.

I feel betrayed and I don't feel safe or respected. Someone else might not feel like that but I do and it's ok that I do.

I remember your earlier threads from the summer. Originally I thought the whole group was in their 20s and then I was very surprised when you said that all of you are in your late 40s and early 50s!

Life's too short for this kind of drama. You have taken the high road and you have behaved like a mature adult throughout. The "Queen bee" and your partner have not. You've been maneuvered into a "pick-me dance" against your will.

Time to walk away. Walk away from the hobby group, walk away from ridiculous Queen Bee, walk away from partner with your head held high.

I understand that you have to finish your commitment to the hobby. So there's an event or performance taking place about three weeks from now, around October 25 or is it more like the weekend of the 29th?

Could you just get through the mandatory rehearsals but then skip the hanging around in the pub, then get through the event and walk away?

I would end the relationship with the partner now and just ask him to be civil with you at the hobby meetups for the next few weeks. Don't try to have another long discussion with him about the whole issue; he already knows very well what the problem is. You'll just feel like you're doing "pick-me dance". Just tell him this relationship isn't working for you anymore and you just want to keep things polite while you finish out your commitment. Good luck!

For those asking, running up behind him and giving him bear hugs from behind when he thought it was me; leaning her head on his shoulder; walking up to him with a sad face and her arms outstretched for a hug; inserting herself into conversation and private jokes he and I were having; stroking him;

To be fair some of this is bordering on sexual harassment/assault. There is no question that the OP's partner does not want, encourage, or reciprocate the OW's behaviour. Could you imagine if the genders were reversed and it was a male friend hugging and stroking a woman? Along with all the verbal flirting there is clearly a sexual undercurrent to it all.

It's a shame that society is still so sexist that a man feels he can't stand up to call this behaviour out, that he should do the polite thing and just allow it to continue.

That is a perfect summary.

I do feel I've been manoeuvred into a 'pick me dance' that I have no interest in doing.

I have to stick to this commitment because I want to do this one as much as anything. I haven't seen him this week. I've been busy with work but I could have made the time if I wanted to. I wanted to take some time to think it through.

A couple of other things people have mentioned, the only way I feel it could be resolved now is if he also left the hobby. But I wouldn't ask that of him and, tbh, I wouldn't want him to. He enjoys it too much. So the only thing I can do is walk away from all of it.

I didn't tell him how to deal with it, I said I wanted it to stop. How that was achieved was up to him. But it wasn't achieved. So now I'm in the position of being the only one of us who has actually said anything to her. And he isn't just being cordial, he's being very friendly. I know it's because he wants the whole thing to just disappear and for us to all be how we were before this started. But that can't happen.
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They won't end up together. Even if he is interested in her, which I don't think he is, she is married and doesn't actually fancy him. She seeks constant validation from men re her attractiveness. The reason she ramped it up with him is because, when I first joined the group, she didn't like me. She later told me it was because she was jealous that I was more fanciable than her 🙄

Because of his role in the group, when I started dating him, it elevated my standing in the groupand she felt threatened by it. Until then, she had been able to convince herself he fancied her more than me. Because that's important. Obvs.... 🙄

Once we got together, she seemed to want to prove that conviction. He is aware of all of that and thinks that's exactly why she is doing it. But I don't want to have to be around it.

The last time we had something all together, I had been talking to a couple of men outside about a music venue. When I went back in, she overheard me saying to my boyfriend, "I got talking to a couple of blokes outside..." and butted in with, "Ooh, we're they chatting you up? I went outside and I got chatted up!" No. Fuck off. We were talking about music. Not everyone is obsessed with thinking random men want to shag them!

I just feel let down by him. It means that even when he knows someone has actively pitted themselves against me and why, he isn't strong enough to stand up for me.

At the very least all it's just really tedious.

I agree.

He didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable or upset her and so just laughed it off. He never reciprocated but didn't stop it wither and she took that as a green light. She behaved as though there was a secret something between them. Many of the sad face hugs were contradicted when I wasn't around and I only know from others that she did it because they saw and told me she was at it again.

One woman said that the most he did in response was to put a single arm around her and pat her on the back. Hardly encouraging when she was full on hugging him with her head on his chest. Because its actually really hard to rebuff a hug.

And no, these weren't cordial hello and goodbye friendly hugs and kisses. Proper partner hugs with her head on his chest and her arms wrapped round him at random points.

The last time we all met, she slipped her arm around his waist and he didn't move away.

I think that is probably what has just finished it off for me. Until then, he'd been moving away at least if she did it.

It's a slippery slope back to what she was doing before and I'm not sticking around for it.

This isn't strictly related to OP's post, but it really irritates me when people do the 'just imagine if you switched the sexes!' thing. The answer is no, it obviously isn't the same thing. Men might be uncomfortable if women give them unwanted hugs. But they aren't afraid that women will rape them. The average man can kill the average woman with his bare hands.

Sorry for that interlude, but I see this argument posted so much on this site and it does my nut.

I do agree with that too obviously.

But I have rebuffed men who have behaved inappropriately towards me when either I or they have been seeing someone.

Occasionally, it's been someone I was friends with who'd just had too much to drink and I've always found a lighthearted "Don't be a dick!" Was enough to stop them and avoid any of this nonsense. I certainly wouldn't tolerate someone behaving like this with me within my boyfriend's social group! Someone we'd both considered to be a friend. It's hugely disrespectful.

I'm sorry but he sounds bored to tears by you trying to challenge this and I think it has killed your relationship. I don't think it's entirely your fault tbh, the whole situation sounds beyond irritating but I think you're causing yourself a lot of pain by not accepting that he just doesn't care how you feel about this. He is past it, he's already moved on, hence not making any real moves to try to keep you. The only one hurting here is you. Gather some dignity and end it with him. I'll be honest though, I would still go to the hobby a few more times to show them they didn't drive me out of that.

Yes, completely with you @IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday

No way I’d put up with this.

you're a better person than me though op, if it was me in your shoes and she did that I’d walk up to her and ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing.

The only problem with this is that I love him.

I'm so cross because, other than this, its the only 'real' relationship I've ever had. The only man I've ever been able to imagine (or wanted) a future with. I've never wanted to live with a man or marry and yet, I could see all of it with him.

That's not to make an excuse to keep limping on but to explain why I can't end it beforehand because it would be too painful to see him once it's over.

He isn't bored to tears by it. We've had 4 or 5 very short and measured conversations about it since February. I deliberately haven't said anything more.

But I have accepted that he doesn't care how i feel about it, which is why I've made the decision to end it rather than talk to him about it again.

I'm going to the hobby in a fortnight so we've met once before the final commitment. I know my stuff inside out so it won't matter that I'm not there.

I don't really care if anyone thinks they've driven me out. I won't he part of it then. They can think and say what they like . I'll never have to see them again! 🤷🏻‍♀️

She'd have loved that though. Because then she have thought I was jealous of her.

I'm not and haven't been at any point. I just feel the whole thing has been hugely disrespectful.

While to potential outcomes of these situations are obviously more dangerous for women, that does not negate the fact that this woman's actions as described here do venture into assault and harassment territory.

It is always an awful situation when dealing with someone like this woman, and I do feel for the position the OP is in, but with people like that woman, any kind of rebuffing will be taken as a challenge whether it is from the OP or her boyfriend. She knows full well what she is doing, and she's getting off on the powerplay. She has already shown that she will not change her behaviour.

She is a bully and is bullying the OP using her boyfriend as a pawn. And as for the boyfriend, there is nothing he can do to make this woman change her behaviour, and there is nothing he can do to make the OP change how she feels. It's all just a mess

She knows full well what she is doing, and she's getting off on the powerplay. She has already shown that she will not change her behaviour.

She is a bully and is bullying the OP using her boyfriend as a pawn. And as for the boyfriend, there is nothing he can do to make this woman change her behaviour, and there is nothing he can do to make the OP change how she feels. It's all just a mess

Yes.

But at least if he'd stood up to her, even once, he wouldn't be complicit in it

Yes, a "Sorry, but I don't like this, please stop" would have gone a long way here.

Yes exactly. She could have said, "I'm sorry," and normal business would have resumed months ago instead of it dragging on to an extended pointless drama where she feels she's got one over on me.

I'm intrigued as to what the hobby is 🤣
He either hasn't got the balls to tell her to lay off mauling him in respect for your relationship in which case I'd dump him
Or he's getting off on the ego boosting attention in which case I'd dump him

And I'm walking away.

Tbh, I'm heartbroken over that.

Well, at the moment I'm not, at the moment I'm fuckng angry.

But I know that's just my body's way of protecting me from hurt because I also keep just crying. I can't believe he turned out to be such a disappointment.

The worst things are that it's his birthday before the final commitment and he's booked a few days away for us the week after. I don't feel inclined to celebrate his birthday with him and I don't want to go away.