Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

OP you're missing the point here, I'm sorry to say.

Nobody is suggesting the man is pure evil in all aspects of his life, simply that his behaviour is completely unacceptable towards you in this very important area of your relationship that you're telling us about. And it's enough to make him an abusive partner. Even if he doesn't hit you.

Abusers aren't necessarily rotten in every way. They can be good to other people. Look after their pets. Even have caring jobs. It doesn't detract from their wrongdoing.

The point that jumps out in your update is to do with the sex act you dislike, whatever it is. If he cared about you and was a decent, loving, considerate man then he wouldn't even start doing it. Not unless you initiated it.

Would you want to do something to him that you knew he hated and that made him freeze up? If not, why is he doing so to you?

This is going to sound stupid & pathetic & weak but that is different. When my SOLO & I first met she asked me what I would say to a friend in my situation. I said I'd call the police on her myself.

It's different, I am not another woman I am me. The same doesn't apply

I'm sorry, OP, but no woman is so desirable that a man can't stop. That isn't a thing. Men aren't beasts with out-of-control hormones. Every single one of them is in control of his actions. The ones that don't stop are choosing to not stop. He does what he does because he knows he can. He knows you won't stop him.

You're not special. You're a woman like the rest of us. The same rules apply.

You have agency. You never need have sex again if you don’t want to. Or any kind of sexual contact. It’s not weird to not want to. It’s ok. But this situation is not ok and seems like death by a thousand cuts.

My disability doesn't stop me speaking, just standing.

Maybe he didn't notice. Do men notice? Do men really look into the eyes of their partner while they do something like this. Again in the movies, maybe, but day to day real life? No.

My partner just doesn't notice, he gets caught up in the moment. The way he described it was just being so overwhelmed, wanting & needing me so much he couldn't help it. Or him knowing I'm not keen on a certain act & him just going on & on at me or me freezing when he starts.

It's bad that he doesn't notice. It's bad that getting caught up in the moment makes you think it's OK to carry on. All the rest is worse. You're normal is so far away from other people's normal because you've been conditioned by abuse. You've found a man who is glad you've been abused so that he can ignore your pain and discomfort and he know that you will too. You seem to feel like you're damaged goods and so just need to put up with it. But you don't.

Please try the freedom programme.

Sorry if im responding to these out of order, I had a wobble & then worried people thought I was a troll. I've emailed Mumsnet offering* a copy of my safeguarding report which tallies with a post I placed in 30days in 2018 (which copied & pasted for myself so I could keep gowhen my social worker safeguarded me & police got involved. It at least covers my ex"s arrest, names my then SOLO & other police involvement, my disability & current care package. I'm not sure what I can do to prove I'm real. I'm open to suggestions.

• assuming they too wouldn't just walk all over my decision making & contact my social worker

You seem so willing to dismiss what is normal to "the movies". Its such a flawed way to think. Yes, nothing is perfect, but what you are experiencing is SO far removed from that.

My partner doesn't pin me down.

He loses his hard on if he thinks I am upset or hurt.

He would never carry on because "he couldn't help himself".

He does look at me when he orgasms, he wants to see when I do to. Its mutual pleasure. He would notice if I was crying and stop if I was.

That's my normal, and I don't live in the movies.

My enthusiastic consent does not involve wailing and swinging from the ceiling. It just comes down to me saying, "Yes, I want this. This is good".

Your view of relationships has been fundamentally changed by the abuse to the extent that your beliefs as to what normal women should and do accept as part and parcel of a relationship is skewed. So that you feel that what your partner does is ok.

OP you cannot be in this relationship it is not healthy or good for you. Please end it and get some counselling and the freedom programme. It is ok to not be in a sexual relationship with a man.

It is not ok to be raped and sexually assaulted by one

Ok OP I’m glad you recognise and would call the police if this was happening to a friend. I think everyone on this thread want to see you happy and out from under this, in much the same way you would want to help your friend.

What can we do to help? Take your time. No one is judging you. I feel like you must have been through a lot and had a lot of your choice and agency taken away. So with that in mind how could we on this thread support you?

Wether you feel ready to do that now, days, weeks or even months down the line there WILL be many here ready to listen. Your choice.

I didn't mean to end up in this position. I was quite happy being single, really. He just contacted me out of the blue & started popping by.

Then @Shell563 you need to tell him that it is over. That he needs to stop popping over. Do you think you can do that and he will accept that

You do not need him in your life. And he is not doing you any good.

We'll go back to being happy and single and tell him to stop popping by .

Do men notice? Do men really look into the eyes of their partner while they do something like this.

Yes, they do. And no functioning adult man needs to look into your eyes to read your body language - it is VERY obvious.

Your rapists sees this and knows this. He's aware you aren't consenting. He just doesn't care.

I didn't mean to end up in this position. I was quite happy being single, really. He just contacted me out of the blue & started popping by.

Why not end it then? What's your fear?

Where are your carers when this happening why are they not aware of the terrible situation you are in ?

Do men notice? Do men really look into the eyes of their partner while they do something like this.

Decent men having sex with you notice your reactions because they see sex as something they do with you, not to you. Something you enjoy together, not something a woman lets them do.

Your belief that no women have ever been with men who haven't at some point physically restrained them or forced them to do something uncomfortable during sex makes me want to cry.

You sound too vulnerable to be in any kind of relationship with someone who doesn't have absolutely crystal clear understanding of, and respect for, boundaries.

He has told you out loud that if he was having sex with you and you wanted to stop, that would be overridden by his desire to keep going.

That isn't flattering. It is treating someone as a sexual service appliance.

Please don't continue to be abused. Your gut feeling is right on this. Your skin is crawling because this isn't a man you should have in your life at all. He's not a healthy person to be around.

You've been through too much to waste more time on a man who is making you feel this way and making you question whether him saying he 'can't help' sexual assault is ok or not.

It isn't ok. Decent men don't think like this at all.

You don't understand. I might be perfectly capable of making my decisions, but the law treats me like a child. If I tell a carer,they tell the care company, who tell social services, who tell the police, who turn up at my house for a meeting where I'm questioned about it & reassured everything will be okay. When I tell them I don't want to be safeguarded, I will be told safeguarding is everyone's responsibility & tough.

It's the same as being a child, believe me.

It's where I'm trapped, I can't get advice with raising concerns.

Would you all think I was so vunerable if I wasn't disabled? Be honest.

Yes. Your disability doesn't come into it. This man is an abusive rapist.

Would you all think I was so vunerable if I wasn't disabled?

You're a woman being raped on a regular basis. You are vulnerable based on that alone.

Would you all think I was so vunerable if I wasn't disabled? Be honest.

100% honestly yes.

Your past trauma and the fact you're struggling so much to see that he has essentially said that if he wanted to, he'd rather rape or sexually assault you than listening to you saying no is where your vulnerability lies for me.

It's not your disability.

It's because you've been treated appallingly by men and deserve better.

This man is the worst kind of man to be around someone with a history of sexual trauma and a lack of firm boundaries, through no fault of your own

Your previous violent and sexual abuse is what makes you vulnerable here. Your thoughts around what is normal sexual behaviour has lead you to be groomed by a man who at EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY has ignored and eroded your boundaries.

If you were to tell him it was over what would be do?

I don't think you are lying to me, I think maybe I'm doing exactly what my ex husband said & playing the victim.

He said it was easy for me to play that role, for example that I'd cry when he hurt me to get the neighbors attention.

If he is right about that what else is he right about?

I can practically hear him telling me "you'll always be somebody else's fuck toy"