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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

528 replies

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 01:16

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 05/10/2022 19:09

He is raping you. Ripping off your clothes? Not stopping when you want him to? Not flattering or a compliment-it’s abuse, pure and simple.

gwenneh · 05/10/2022 19:11

I don't think you are lying to me, I think maybe I'm doing exactly what my ex husband said & playing the victim.

You are not playing the victim. You ARE the victim. You're not pretending, or playing, or acting.

Gotmynewshoes · 05/10/2022 19:16

You are the victim. No "playing". You've been worked on to absorb the guilt. That doesn't mean it's yours though. It means that you've been manipulated and abused. Not something that anybody would be comfortable admitting, but you need to accept it so that you can build healthy boundaries and live a life that makes you happy. You are worth more.

wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 19:18

I don't think you are lying to me, I think maybe I'm doing exactly what my ex husband said & playing the victim.

You are the victim in this scenario, a victim of sexual abuse.

He said it was easy for me to play that role, for example that I'd cry when he hurt me to get the neighbors attention.

You cried when he hurt you. A perfectly natural reaction to being abused.

Please, please get this more recent man out of your life and focus on getting some therapy to try to silence the voice of your previous abuser in your head.

I could cry reading you speak so cruelly about yourself, doubting yourself, thinking all or most men are sexually abusive.

I promise you that life doesn't have to be this way. Many of us on the thread have also been sexually assaulted or raped and know how terribly painful and difficult it is to get to a headspace where you're ready to trust yourself and your instincts after being programmed by an abuser, let alone trust someone else.

It's like leaving a cult. A cult that has told you without it you'll be nothing and if you leave you'll be just as unhappy or feel even worse. But cults tell this lie to control followers. Just as abusers do.

Please don't waste any more of your one, precious life on someone who is abusive. You deserve more and being single is preferable to being abused. Always.

Wiccan · 05/10/2022 19:23

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 18:59

Would you all think I was so vunerable if I wasn't disabled? Be honest.

Show quote history

Yes all women are vulnerable in this situation disabled or not

Daisychainsx · 05/10/2022 19:23

This is going to sound harsh but i actually really want to help you and make you realise your worth.

OP I don't think your disability is the problem here. You still have a voice but you are not using it. You keep protesting that it's your fault and everyone here, pretty much unanimously, is telling you that NOTHING is your fault. Please stop blaming yourself for any of this. It kinda seems to me like you've been so conditioned to believe you're not worthy of actual love you'll just take the scraps of abuse this guy is doling out, disguised as affection.

The problem is you have been mistreated by men in the past, and maybe some of that is to do with your disability... maybe not? We don't know. But you have told this man you don't want sex and he is doing it anyway. You're crying while it's happening fgs. There's absolutely nobody on this planet who I wouldn't be able to resist and would jump their bones even if they were saying no. Its a poor excuse, he can control himself. He just doesn't want to!

Every partner I've been with has been eye contact and kissing and general movie-like sex... that's how it is if you're happy and having fun and CONSENTING. You deserve to experience that, and I do not think it will happen with this man. Even if he doesn't see tears he will know you're not into it by your lack of enthusiasm. It doesn't take a genius.

If he really loves you and is really a good guy he will abstain from sex until you are ready, please believe that.

2bazookas · 05/10/2022 19:24

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 14:47

Okay answer me this does no one do things in bed with a partner they aren't 100% okay with? Please be honest because I'm starting to feel like I'm going crazy here

I absolutely do NOT.

You said earlier I can't complain he didn't see me crying & dying inside

You can, and you should refuse. No man has the right to make you cry and die inside.

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 19:25

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 17:29

@Shell563 Can I ask how you're feeling about all these responses? Basically everyone is telling you that your partner is assaulting you, but your response seems to be that we are misunderstanding the situation? You think he's not doing anything wrong, but you are?

Is there any part of you that can see the sense in what we're saying, or not really?

Would it be possible for you to break up with your partner even if you weren't 100% he was doing something wrong? You've expressed unhappiness, trauma and confusion. Would you be able to break up with him on the basis that you're just not happy? Maybe once you are not in the relationship, it will be easier to assess what was really going on between you.

Is there anyone you'd consider talking to? A counsellor or therapist?

Honestly, I'm finding it hard to read, but I'm really trying.

Counsellors, if aware of my vunerability would have a busy to safeguard me h

I fear I'm doing the wrong thing by talking about this, like I'm guilty for complaining.

I'm scared I'm painting him in a bad light.

I want to ask other woman how I can just be okay with what he does to me & ask advice someone could give me to allow me to just let him do what he wants & not react like such a pathetic mess.

I feel dirty to my core

i feel a little mad at him for putting me in this position

I want to thank you all for taking such time to hold the hand of a stranger who really isn't worthy of such kindness.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 19:29

You said you were okay and happy being single until this guy came along and pushed you into a relationship.

What's stopping you from going back to being single again?

You may not believe that people are telling you the truth on here, but in any case you've very clearly expressed your own need, which is not to be touched sexually.

This man is not able for whatever reason to respect this need.

So that means he can't be in your life.

What would happen if you texted him and broke things off?

I suggested telling one of your carers because I thought you might need some help to keep him away from you. You say they will escalate this to the police, which I can understand you don't want to happen. So can you break up with him, just tell him not to come over any more, without getting anyone else involved?

If not, why not? Are you frightened of what he'll do? Is there some reason why you feel you need him in your life?

gwenneh · 05/10/2022 19:30

I fear I'm doing the wrong thing by talking about this, like I'm guilty for complaining.
That's because you've been groomed.

I'm scared I'm painting him in a bad light.
His actions, not your words, paint him in a bad light.

I want to ask other woman how I can just be okay with what he does to me
You can't, and that is a healthy response. You're not supposed to be OK with it and no woman would tell you that you should be OK with it.

ask advice someone could give me to allow me to just let him do what he wants & not react like such a pathetic mess.
Nobody is going to give you advice on how to be a good victim of sexual assault and rape because you shouldn't have to be one in the first place.

i feel a little mad at him for putting me in this position
You should be VERY angry, not a little.

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 19:33

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 17:37

most of the time he's pretty excited & caught up in the moment

It's a 2 person thing. How come you know how he's feeling but he has no idea of how you're feeling? Each partner is meant to be involved with the other's feelings. It's not something a man does to a woman, it's something a man and a woman share. If it's simply something he takes from you without a thought for your feelings, it's abuse.

but in my world, it's not so easy

Because you have been so abused for so long. Some of us have been in similar situations and come out the other side. You're not the only person who has suffered this sort of thing. You have to recognise that it's not your job in life to 'be a normal woman'. Why do you even want to be that? You know how you feel: you don't want to be touched. And that's fine, that's nobody's business, that's entirely up to you. But you are disregarding it, and allowing others to disregard it. Why? Why is his feeling of 'getting carried away' more important to take notice of and respect than your feeling of 'I don't want to'? Why are his feelings more important than yours? Can you answer this? 'I put his feelings above my own because...?'

I put his feelings above my own because...?'

...mine don't count

I don't think mine matter as much
I'm not sure he would stop

**
**
**

OP posts:
gwenneh · 05/10/2022 19:35

...mine don't count.

Yes, they do. That goes in isolation and as a part of a functional couple.

Wiccan · 05/10/2022 19:35

No one is going to give you advice on how to enable his abuse and you be ok with it .

Quartz2208 · 05/10/2022 19:36

why do you need to be ok though? You were happy being single - can you go back to that.

Or do you not think that he would take you saying that?

I want to ask other woman how I can just be okay with what he does to me & ask advice someone could give me to allow me to just let him do what he wants & not react like such a pathetic mess.

No woman would be ok with what he is doing and what he has done. No man should be allowed to do what they want to another human being. You are not the reason you are reacting like this - him abusing you is

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 19:38

Honestly, I'm finding it hard to read, but I'm really trying.

Take your time. You can post here as much or as little as you like. You can start as many threads as you like. There will always be women here to listen to you.

I want to ask other woman how I can just be okay with what he does to me & ask advice someone could give me to allow me to just let him do what he wants & not react like such a pathetic mess.

No one here is going to be able to give you that advice. This isn't a situation that anyone can be okay with - no one can tolerate being abused. It hurts, deeply. It hurts your soul. The only advice people can give you is that you deserve better than this. We want to help you find a way out. And for you to know it's not your fault.

I feel dirty to my core

You're not dirty. He is hurting your soul by what he does to you.

i feel a little mad at him for putting me in this position

Good. You know what that anger is? That's your soul, fighting back. That's you, taking care of yourself. Get angry. Get mad as hell! That's a good energy to have.

I want to thank you all for taking such time to hold the hand of a stranger who really isn't worthy of such kindness.

You are absolutely worthy of every kindness. You deserve love, kindness, support, friendship and respect. I absolutely believe that and I know that you can get to a point where you can believe it too.

Step 1: get this man away from you.

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 19:42

I put his feelings above my own because...?'

...mine don't count

Yes, they do. They do count. They matter immensely.

Your feelings are everything. In this situation, they are the ONLY thing that matter.

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 20:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2022 18:54

I didn't mean to end up in this position. I was quite happy being single, really. He just contacted me out of the blue & started popping by.

Why not end it then? What's your fear?

I know you all think I'm pathetic, I get it, I do.

I have tried, in my own way to stop this. I dread him being here more often than not.

When I try to, in a jokey swipe his hand away from my intimate areas, he brings it straight back. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it, but he seems to be more forceful with his hand movements, like he is mad at me.

When I've tried to put him off popping over, he gets mad at me, again, he seems to be a bit "rough" with me.

I don't want to risk it

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 20:10

Wiccan · 05/10/2022 18:54

Where are your carers when this happening why are they not aware of the terrible situation you are in ?

Care packages change.

Obviously the carers aren't sat in the room with us. Those that have met him seem to think it's good I have someone who is nice to me. He buys me chocolates. When I tried raising a concern a while back the reaction I got was like he had brought me a house, not bloody dairy box. It's almost like I should be grateful anyone will have me.

Only one of my regulars is single, everyone else is in a relationship, let's face it, most people are.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 20:16

I know you all think I'm pathetic, I get it, I do

None of us think this OP, we just feel awful that you're being abused and would love to help you find a way to get him out of your life.

Would you feel able to ring womens aid to talk about what's happening?

They are objective and it may help you to speak to experts who can let you know their expert opinion which might help you believe the truth - that he is abusing you and that it's vital he leaves your life.

I think you know that in your core but but your previous abuser shifted your sense of self so much that you doubt yourself and so feel frozen and trapped.

I wish I could help more. Please do keep talking to us if it helps to have an outlet Flowers

Wiccan · 05/10/2022 20:16

No not everyone is in a relationship, sounds like he's manipulating your carers to .

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 20:28

I know you all think I'm pathetic, I get it, I do.

I definitely don't think that and would be very surprised if anyone else does. I think you're in a very difficult situation and need some help to get out of it.

You've already tried raising a concern with carers and they didn't listen. Is it worth trying again with one of the ones you trust more? Is there a social worker or supervisor that you could talk to? There is also the option of calling the police - what he is doing is against the law.

I think you should contact Women's Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ You can talk to them via live chat or send an email. They should be able to give you some practical advice.

You can also contact Rape Crisis - rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/ - for some emotional support.

And keep posting on MN. Women here want to help.

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 20:30

I put his feelings above my own because...?'
...mine don't count
I don't think mine matter as much
I'm not sure he would stop

I wasn't asking why your feelings don't matter as much to him.

According to you, are your feelings worth more than his? If not, why not? What makes them worth less? And if so, then why do you let him minimise them?

I have tried, in my own way to stop this

And it hasn't worked, so you need to try another way. Have you tried saying plainly to him that if he ever lays a finger on you again, you'll be calling the police? That you have decided from this moment forward to refuse contact with him? That you are asking him to leave you alone, from now, or you'll be speaking to the police about harassment?

Pushing him away with a jokey hand movement isn't cutting it. He's walking all over your dignity and you're trying to chuckle it away. What stops you saying a firm no, or even 'FUCK OFF!!' to him?

Wiccan · 05/10/2022 20:31

And he is not nice to you he is abusing you.
You really need to speak to a professional
ASAP .

Quartz2208 · 05/10/2022 20:31

@Shell563 you havent answered what you think would happen if you broke it off and it is telling

Because that is what you need to to

Dervel · 05/10/2022 20:34

…or maybe you aren’t pathetic at all. Maybe you are unimaginably strong. Capable of enduring things I’m not sure hand on my heart I could.

Maybe at points these things about you, you see as pathetic kept you alive. Enabled you to survive one day to make it to the next. One thing I have learned is never doubt the tenacity of spirit of survivors of abuse. Also however you have gotten to this point now I nor anyone else has any business judging.

I do not see you as pathetic, I actually admire you. I know you know what has happened wasn’t right, and no one should have to go through such things. I also know how you feel twists things into a world unrecognisable to how it should be, and yet that is where you have had to live.

Seeing you engage with everyone here, exploring how you feel, your identity and how things could be better reminds me of the very human will to survive, and you are very brave. Thank you for that. I just wish I could do more.