Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

I don't think real relationships are perfect, I think people make mistakes.
They do. They just also manage to not be rapists.

I think or hope most relationships are build on trust & love, which involves sex.
Trust & love & sex are all different things. Trust and love do not need to involve sex.

However I think woman end up doing things they don't want to keep a partner happy,
They don't. And everyone on this thread has said so, unanimously.

However, I also know womens sexual needs are not met as frequently as men, it's often a little one sided
It doesn't have to be one-sided and nor should a woman's needs not be met as frequently. That's not how equal relationships work.

It sounds like you view equal relationships as a bit of a cinema fairy tale, and that's not the case. Don't conflate the two.

Fuck no!

that’s rape!!

There is a massive difference though between a man finishing before a woman orgasms and just leaving her (crappy, might not be the best partner but fundamentally not abusive) and raping a woman.

It is not your fault he is raping you. It is not his fault he is sexually assaulting you.

Yes it can be frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want sex. But the thing is he has a choice. He is not forced to be in a relationship with you, he doesn't have a gun to his head.

If sex really is so very very important to him that he 'cannot control himself' then he has two options, rape you or find a willing partner. He is choosing the abhorrent choice and it cannot be justified in any way.

Dropping my favorite vase and breaking it is a mistake. Forgetting we have plans and double booking us is a mistake. Raping someone repeatedly is not a mistake. Its a choice, his choice, his fault.

Are you for real? Would you really tell another woman that being held down during sex so she can't get away isn't abuse, that she's being unfair by painting her "partner" in a bad light, when he's actually not that bad because he doesn't beat her, and that she needs to just put up with being violated because that's the price she has to pay? Would you really say that to another woman?

Christ men need to understand that women are not looking for Christian Grey !!

Men understand just fine. It's why they seek out women like the OP.

OP it sounds pretty obvious that you have never had a relationship with a decent and caring man .

You’re not making a mountain out of a molehill

regardless of holding you down

RAPE is rape

Let's re-frame this. Your partner feels horrified by you because you did something he wasn't comfortable with and it's made him want to scrub his skin to be free of the memory of what you did to him. He didn't want to, but you carried on anyway. But you're generally a good partner and you're pretty sure he's just confusing things. I mean, sure, you pinned him down so you could have your way and you know that's what you did, but you just wanted to and doesn't everyone do that? So it it really a big deal?

Look:

Yes, it is a big deal, yes it's rape and no you're not confused. None of my partners have pinned me down against my will, and if someone did, I'd throw them out immediately and never see them again. You can choose a zero-tolerance policy to any kind of uncomfortable encounter in your relationships, EPSPECIALLY if you've told your partner you didn't like something and your partner has refused to acknowledge what they did was not acceptable to you and told you that you're just confused.

If you are someone who would rather never have sex again, find someone else like that too. There are plenty of people out there who just aren't that bothered by sex and will happily make do with cuddles. There are also plenty of people who will respect you and your boundaries and who would be devastated at the thought of doing something to you that made you feel bad.

Find those people. Ditch the person you have. Things will only get worse.

Agreed

This man isn't confusing this with some bdsm fantasy. He has chosen a vulnerable woman with a horrific sexual backstory so he can get his jollies by raping her regularly and forcing her to do things he doesn't want to do.

He's a criminal not deluded

It is even worse that you are disabled and cannot get away easily.
This is absolutely horrid.
A nice man or a good partner does not do this. EVER.

I don’t have a fairy tale relationship but in no way I have ever ever been coerced sexually. And as I said before even idiot boyfriends have always stopped instantly when I said no.

There is a difference between sexual fulfilment and having your consent disregarded. Did he ask before he fingered you that first time? I bet he didn’t. You say you froze. He would have known that. He carried on.

I would counsel well-meaning posters to think very carefully before sharing their own experiences or stories on this thread.

I've already checked with MN and they have confirmed as far as they can tell the poster is genuine

Report it then instead of troll hunting

I agree , something quite not right !

Then respectfully you don't really understand why women who are being abused stay for so long and justify their partners actions to themselves.

This is classic behaviour, recognising that something is bad and then doing a lot of backtracking and justification because you aren't ready to confront the fact that you are being abused.

I have checked with MN if the poster is genuine but if you have concerns report the thread instead of troll hunting

Whatever your view on how the world of relationships works, OP, you are not happy, and if you want that to leave, because he doesn't listen to you, so he won't support you in achieving happiness.

That's the top and bottom of this. Abuse/no abuse, what women do/what men do, what relationships are like/not like... none of this matters.

Your feelings matter, and it's your responsibility, and nobody else's, to look after them. If you spend your time with someone who disrespects your feelings, you'll feel shit. If you decide to remove people like that, you'll feel better. It's the same for everyone. You're having an appalling experience, and you know it, so you need to get out, regardless of what anybody else does, thinks or says.

Do understand thanks and no I'm not troll hunting.

I was very hopeful OP wasn't real. Because it's so awful.

Shell I think you're seeing rape as the price for having a 'friend' because you are restricted by your situation. And he sees you as an easy victim. Trapped and desperate with no boundaries.

Could you work with your carers and support team on accessing college or supported work or anything to meet new people (female) who could be safe friends? Anything to find non-abusive people.

I am an adult, exactly my point! I'm responsible for my choices & I chose to bring this man into my life. Okay, so I didn't mean for it to turn sexual (please, PLEASE believe me, I didn't want this to happen, I really didn't) but I can't just blame him. I'm ashamed to admit that a tiny, tiny part of me was flattered that someone was being nice to me. It's pathetic I know.

Men don't like hearing no. Not every man who I've ever said no to has beaten me, it's not like that, but the sulking, the moaning, the pleading & making me feel bad because I didn't just don't, especially if "it won't take long".

I've had a couple that have been very cruel if I said or showed no. One wasn't a relationship just abuse, one was my marriage, the ex who was arrested However in the past I've been physically assaulted, insulted, bulled & been forced to do even worse sex acts or had the sex act be completed with more forced than necessary as punishment. I will always choose the less pain route, but sometimes it's all I could do. Freezing at this point could also get me in more trouble & I'd just be hurt more.

I did explain to this current partner that I didn't really want a sexual relationship, that my ex (that he kind knew from years ago) had been abusive, on top of the stuff from my past he already knew about.

It was so hard for me, but when I suspected where he wanted the relationship to go that way I hinted I want keen, when that wasn't really working I tried to make it clear what I did or didn't want to do. Then, when he was already touching me over my clothes I tried to say what I find uncomfortable, he said he understood, but kept going a bit, I just froze

So... Genuine question, OP. Why do you want to stay with him?

I don’t think the OP is bullshitting. I think she’s navigating an emotional minefield here, so maybe a slightly more compassionate footing is beneficial.

Trust me I have a high male libido, but the notion that my partner exists to satisfy my sexual desires it utterly abhorrent. If she isn’t in the mood it doesn’t happen. End of.

My experience in relationships is that if the woman is truly enjoying the sex and intimacy then she’ll want it as much if not more than I do. However to get there usually requires the woman to feel safe, listened to, loved and happy.

Also I have been in relationships with survivors of sexual abuse and trust me none of their nor your reactions to it were in anyway a “fault”. Neither are your health problems.

I really wish you the best OP.

Men don't like hearing no. OK, if that's your belief, stay away from men.

Why do you think you have to be in a relationship?