Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

No no no you misunderstand. Obviously it's serious when someone stand someone & I cannot imagine how difficult & stressed that was for you & your family.

I meant for the abuser. Society doesn't care, or some people don't care. With my ex I went through a medical, video evidence & god knows what & it made no difference. It was horrible.

Please understand I wasn't claiming hurting another human being is okay. I'm sorry if I caused you any upset I didn't mean to

No, no it's not okay. Like I said my SOLO & had much the same question for me. As I said to her, it's different when it's yourself.

Part of why I struggle with this is it's not like I've not had sex before, my brain tells me I should just be able to get on with it, do you know what I mean?

Yes that's what I meant, the offender, NOT victim.

Please forgive me

As I said to her, it's different when it's yourself.
It is not. You're neither above nor below the same things that apply to everyone else. If it applies to others, it applies for you.

Part of why I struggle with this is it's not like I've not had sex before, my brain tells me I should just be able to get on with it, do you know what I mean?
Sex is not something you need to "get on with." You either are an enthusiastic participant who wants to have sex, or you're being coerced and sexually assaulted. Whether you've had sex or not previously doesn't change this and yes, it is that black-and-white.

I don't really know what to say to this

Hello lovely.

I am so sorry you are going through this i agree with all other pp on here your current partner is abusing you and is a rapist and has been grooming you this is in no way your fault as nobody should be made to feel uncomfortable by thier partner.

After reading through this post and your reply to other posters especially the one pinned you apologise a lot you have also had a very traumatic past experience with your ex and have mentioned that you freeze and dissociate these are common reactions when somebody has ptsd and are a trauma response.

it's different when it's yourself.

It's not different. It's not okay to rape and abuse you. You're not different/better than/worse than any of the rest of us.

If it's not okay for someone to rape me, why is it okay for them to rape you? What's so terrible about you? Or what's so great about everyone else?

Nothing. You're just a human being, like the rest of us.

Look, I get it. I spent many years of my life believing I was worthless and awful. I truly, deeply believed that, to the extent that if you'd asked me, I wouldn't have said it was a belief. I'd have said it was a fact.

But it wasn't a fact. I was never worthless. I just came to believe that because it was my way of defending myself from hurt and pain. I must have deserved it. It couldn't be that my own parents were bad people. It couldn't be that this wonderful man is a bad person. It must be me. I must deserve it. Something must be wrong with me, deep down, and that's why these things happen to me.

That was the story I told myself, over and over. I couldn't even have put it into words like that at the time. But that's what it was. I had to start by thinking about the possibility that this belief I had was a belief, not a fact. I started thinking maybe there was a 1% possibility that it wasn't a fact.

Could you start there? Is there a 1% possibility that you don't deserve this?

And listen. Whether you think you deserve it or not, you need to get this man away from you. You are punishing yourself by keeping him around. You can tell yourself you don't deserve to be free of him, but get free of him anyway. Lots of people get things they don't deserve, so just do it and don't worry about whether it's what you deserve. It's what you want. And it's absolutely what you need.

I hope that makes some kind of sense to you.

Sorry I thought I had answered, it's been a busy day here.
(nothing bad)

I'm scared of making things worse, of his reaction. It feels like I'm going to make this situation worse. What if gets really aggressive? He could hurt me worse. Please don't tell me it couldn't get worse because it could.

I admit that a tiny, tiny part of me fears I shall end up being alone forever & stuck that makes me feel. But it's just a small part because I was okay alone after my husband, I knew I shouldn't be in a relationship & I only get out twice a week so I didn't think there was much of a chance, bonus I thought

@Shell563 Why are you ignoring all the posts saying some variation of this?

What if gets really aggressive?
Once you lock him out of your house, change the key code, and instruct your carers that he isn’t in a relationship with you and is not to be let in, how is he going to get to you?

I agree it's a genuine concern, that he becomes aggressive. That's why I think you should change the keysafe code and break up with him via text. You'll need to tell your carers they're not to let him in, and you will probably need to explain that he could be violent, especially if he's been grooming and manipulating them too. If he does turn up, you immediately dial 999. "My ex has turned up and I'm terrified."

Sorry, crossed posts. What is it you think he’ll actually do, though? You send him a message and end it, block him, take the key out of the key safe (or change your locks) and tell your carers. What is it you think will happen?

And you don’t want to be touched, and would rather not be around men. Perhaps that can be worked on with the support of a professional and perhaps not. Either way, it doesn’t sound like being single would be a massive hardship.

Also, companionship doesn’t need to be a partner. You can focus on making friends.Female friends. Check out meetup, join a local book club, pick up a hobby that is manageable with your disability. Maybe join a support group. This doesn’t need to be your life.

My SOLO understood, or at least said she did.
Do you never give advice to others you should apply to yourself? I mean that in a nice way.

Sex is very much "get on with" for me & I cannot think of the last time it wasn't.

I wish I could have the kind of sexual experiences some of you have. It feels like some dream world, not real life.

A couple of times a week I enter this internal panic mode, knowing what is coming, trying to find ways out of it, trying a feeble protest & just counting down the minutes until it's over again.

I considered faking my period once, to get out of it, but what if he checked? (he has not) & I'd get into more trouble

A couple of times a week I enter this internal panic mode, knowing what is coming, trying to find ways out of it, trying a feeble protest & just counting down the minutes until it's over again.

You need to just dump him by text, change keycode, tell carers he's not welcome. The end. Then you won't have to worry about it, it'll be a non-issue.

Sex is very much "get on with" for me & I cannot think of the last time it wasn't.

So stop having sex. You don’t have to have sex. You don’t have to be in a relationship. You don’t have to do any of these things.

What is stopping you breaking up with him, changing the keysafe code and telling your carers it is over.

Relationships end - you dont have to explain to the carers anything more than that

I don't mean to defend him, it's really, really difficult to see this a different way.

It is not easy laying yourself open like this, even to strangers & feeling picked apart but having something click & then get a phone call arranging another visit from your "partner" for tomorrow, who claims to care about you when part of you now thinks they don't give two shits at all & is just using you as something to fuck.

Because that is what I am isn't it?

I have sat here wondering what the bloody hell I have allowed my life to become & wondered how to get out of it without making it worse, without involving half the county & having to standup & say "yep, hello SARC, me again", knowing I WILL be judged & at this rate have professionals wonder if I'm even capable of living alone because clearly I make terrible choices!!

No one here can stand next to me when he turns up at my keyhole, it's just me & I am so scared.

i know (hope) you aren't being cruel & I'm sorry for ranting like this

Because that is what I am isn't it

That's what you are to him.

But unless you value his opinion, it doesn't matter what you are to him. That's not a definition of what you actually are.

You are a person who can say 'You're not coming in', and that's all you need to be to gain self respect, here.

Why are you speaking for OP? She's answering my posts herself. You're butting in on a conversation between a survivor of past abuse and a sufferer of current abuse. Why you think you need to explain 'How abuse works' is anybody's guess. I came out the other side and am happy now. My comments are an effort to get OP on the same journey. You seem to be saying I was unkind or lacking empathy; your interpretation of what I'm saying is irrelevant; I was talking to OP, and she was talking back.

I feel like I've done nothing for over 24hrs but go over this.

Things make some sense when I read them, then my brain kicks into gear. I'm fighting myself & my partner & my ex all at the same time.

I made a plan for no more visits. Had a wobble, asked a few more questions, like I just said to someone else I can see where my head goes & it's taking a lot to bring myself back to this.

I feel a bit angry, & cheated. I'm angry at myself & my ex & my partner & countless others.

I can't involve professionals, I just can't, so I'm making plans to handle this myself

You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to. I may be wrong, just my opinion.

I can see how on the one hand you are being really brave opening up on here, and you ARE being incredibly brave, and getting some really great insight from women who know what this is like. On the other you are feeling picked apart in this public sphere, and that’s not going to be a nice feeling.

This is YOUR thread, and thus YOUR space. It’s up to you which posts you want to address and which ones you don’t. Everyone who chooses to engage does so of their own free will and volition. You don’t need to manage or be concerned how I or anyone else receives your responses. This is a support thread really, and thus the general etiquette is people should aim to be a little kinder. Basically take from this whatever you need.

Also on this point you made:

”What is odd about Dervel's his offer to bow out is that when I saw it I felt bad. I felt I was in the wrong for making him feel that way.”

YOU did no such thing, get that out your head. I did not nor do I feel bad at all. All I did was empathise, and want to make sure my presence was not triggering to you in anyway. There are women on here clearly better equipped than I am, having been through similar. I just wanted to confirm from a man’s point of view that they are correct, these abusive behaviours are not endemic to masculinity and they most certainly not nor should they be the price of admission into relationships with any of us.

I get it may be ingrained in you to prioritise men’s feelings (in this case mine) above your own, as a survival strategy, but I invite you not to in this instance. There are no negative repercussions for doing so, and neither are my feelings remotely hurt. As I’ve said this space is for you.

My apologies then.

OP that anger you're feeling is a GOOD energy. Let it power you to take control of this situation.

My advice. Change the keysafe code so he can't get in. Do it ASAP. Once it's done, text him and say, it's over. Don't come round and don't contact me again. If he turns up at your home, diall 999.

I meant if there is something in my behaviour is leading to a flashing light above my head saying idiot here then I need to change that.

Thank you for saying this, although I'm sorry that you have suffered so.

I'm so glad someone gets this because I've actually questioned my sanity this past day going over this.

Its felt like a fact, black & white, clear as day because if not how? How have I ended up in this position so often? My ex must be right no? It felt like more logical than purely unlucky or targeted. Targeted also comes with the added pressure of having some imagined flashing beacon alerting to my location that led a little part of me thinking this was at least better than I could have.

That 1% you spoke of, let's say that yesterday I wouldn't acknowledge what you are saying at all. Maybe today I've floated between 1-10% I don't deserve it, maybe higher for very short periods. I guess it's something, it just doesn't feel like much but I will take it.

It's an internal battle