Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

“But what if he gets angry at me & does something worse?”

As PP have said, fear is not a good reason to stay with him. Fear is a good reason to get him out of your life. If you’re scared he won’t leave you alone, you could involve the police. Or apply for a non-molestation order. The National Centre for Domestic Violence can help you with that.

You asked whether abusers can spot vulnerable women. As @Watchkeys said, abusers test boundaries and see what they can get away with. Victims of abuse often have certain key characteristics - they are deeply kind, inclined to think the best of others and inclined to put other people’s needs before their own at all times. Abusers exploit their victims’ good nature.

Also abusers often don’t start abusively because they know most people won’t stick around for that. They lure the person in with love-bombing and then gradually the abusive behaviour follows and over time the abusive behaviour increases.

And I have heard it said that abusive people can to a certain extent recognise behavioural characteristics that come with being a victim of abuse and that also helps them identify targets.

Whatever the reasons, it is entirely him who is doing wrong not you.

There is a book called In the Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser - How He Gets Into Her Head which you might find interesting. Also Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You will likely recognise your abusive partner there.

I'm really sorry about your experiences. I know how it feels to be passed around like a spliff at a party you didn't choose to be at. It messes with your head.

I'm especially sorry for your sister, but in a little way it makes me feel I'm not the only one who has ended up in this situation.

Yeah I feel bad I had to ask too, BUT that is in no way a negative reflection upon you that you need to feel anyway bad about. The reason I had to ask is all the men out there that do these horrendous things and make trust hard. It’s those men I hold responsible.

No I have no way of telling how many men a woman has been with, beyond asking her. It’s also not especially my business. Sure I would feel good if my partner trusted me with that information. I like my relationships to be pretty transparent, but people get funny about such things so I wouldn’t expect it to be disclosed. It wouldn’t especially bother me if the number was a large one. I’m more concerned with the quality of our current relationship as opposed to faffing about with the past.

Actually I can answer the last question, and honestly too, as I’ve been in situations such as you describe. Although I’m going to zone in on the precise language “get away with it”. The very notion that sex is some sort of sin I need get away with is entirely opposed to how I view sex. I remember once in my early 20s I encountered a girl in the pub who I later learned was only 16. It turned out she has been kicked out her home whilst her mother’s boyfriend was staying. By the time the pubs kicked out she had nowhere to go. I naturally took her home and have her my bed to sleep in, I was going to make do on the couch. She intimated some form of physical intimacy was possible, but a) her age, b) the circumstances, c) there was literally no desire in her eyes whatsoever. It would have literally been a favour for a favour. I declined and went off to sleep.

Sex to me is actually something special and sacred, it’s not transactional. It is not to be coerced or blackmailed or forced. It is or should be a shared experience. Do I experience lustful thoughts? Sure I do, and I don’t repress myself either, but the superimposition of intimacy over the sexual act elevates into something truly magnificent. It’s not that I have specific moral stance I’m simply aiming for something better.

There is only one occasion where I was ever worried I had gone to far, but I’ll share with you in case it helps. There was a girl I fancied the pants off of at university, and we were friends. Turned out that attraction was by no means one way and we fooled around. At a later date we met up again and started fooling around again, somewhat publicly. We were walking home and reached the point where our respective homes diverged. I tried to entice her back to mine, she started to say she wanted to go home on her own, but we started to make out and it seem to me couldn’t tear ourselves away from each other. I think I restated the offer a few more times, each time she articulated a no she couldn’t. I of course did respect that.

However years later when the me too stuff kicked off I thought back and felt horrified perhaps I’d come on too strong. We are still friends so I reached out to her on Facebook to check in and hope I hadn’t in fact caused her trauma. She assured me that no I hadn’t she had been attracted to me just didn’t want to go any further than we had on that particular occasion.
She then went on to say that along with a few other decent men she had met at that time in her life I had helped restore her faith that men could be good.

i hope some of this helps illustrate you needn’t put up with what you have, because of some
inherent nature in men. We can and indeed should do better.

‘I'm really sorry about your experiences. I know how it feels to be passed around like a spliff at a party you didn't choose to be at. It messes with your head.

I'm especially sorry for your sister, but in a little way it makes me feel I'm not the only one who has ended up in this situation.’

Thank you for your kind words, OP. Yes, it was a very bad time for her. But she’s now married to a really lovely man and they have the family
she always wanted.

My own DH is lovely, too. There really are decent men out there.

Shell563 did you see how Dervel modelled exactly what should happen in a relationship? He checked if you were okay with him being there, offered to stay away "no questions asked" and gave you the respect you deserve.

Even just an online conversation, and he gave you more respect than your own partner.

Thank you for asking him. Is it the same though? Consequences for stabbing someone, quite serious. Consequences for men having sex with a woman who doesn't want it? Nothing.

Yes it is serious. It was serious for me. How dare you insinuate that it's not.

I think she meant the consequences for the rapist.

@Shell563 Do you think it's ok for a man to have sex with a woman, if she doesn't want to?

It's a yes or no question.

Nobody has insinuated anything about you. Serious consequences for the offender were referenced. Not whether or not it was serious for the victim. Nobody was talking about you.

@Watchkeys of course she doesn’t think that, she’s said as much if a friend came to her with what she has experienced she would call the police. I have seen this before. Survivors of abuse own sense of value and self is so tanked by the manipulations and abuse they see themselves as other and as almost a separate
class of person deserving of such treatment.

Its a complex layered survival strategy the
mind engages in when in an utterly bleak circumstance as it least allows the abuse to be seen as part of some sort of natural order, which then at least makes it frameable and somewhat comprehensible and survivable.

This won’t be unpacked by itself on an internet thread with strangers, but with a little bit of kindness and empathy we can get the ball rolling. That’s just literally my own opinion so take it or
leave it. I’m pretty sure everyone here just wants to see the OP safe and we’ll.

I'm sure they found me very frustrating, I didn't mean to cause them problems. It was complicated.

Hes not beating you but what he is doing is so so much worse.

I wish he beat me instead of this, I can manage that SO much easier. I feel quite separated from my body a lot of the time, again, when someone touches me it's like my whole body is heightened & not in a good way. It makes me want to die a little.

People are asking why you won’t end this relationship and you’re. It engaging with any of us. Why?

I know I must be annoying the hell out of you all, but I need to be clear.

If I put my hand down to stop his, I push it away in a jokey way as not to annoy him & he moves it back a little aggressively (I think), does it not matter I don't try again? I don't think I've ever pushed him away a second time again as I just panic & freeze.

Does no one ever have their partner try a second time?

not engaging

No, why would he try a second time? If he did, he wouldn’t be my partner anymore.

No. Partners don't need to be told twice. Good partners don't even need to be told once.

If I put my hand down to stop his, I push it away in a jokey way as not to annoy him & he moves it back a little aggressively (I think), does it not matter I don't try again?

It does not matter whether or not you try again. Not at all.

Does no one ever have their partner try a second time?
No! If I indicate to my partner that I don't want a particular type of contact, it stops.

We are on page 15.
15 pages of consistant advise
15 pages of the op defending being abused
🤷‍♀️

You just said 'I wish he beat me instead'.
You admitted that its worse than physical abuse. That's a good start!

It is frustrating that you can't see what we see. But I'm not frustrated with you, i'm frustrated that there are men out there who have the power and desire to do this and are getting away scot free, and the only ones suffering are the women they target. Its sad that you've been so worn down by them.

There are 15 pages full of people telling you to get rid of him. You need to go away and have another good read through these replies. Add up the ones that say 'you deserve it' and then compare it to the ones that say 'he's a rapist'. And there's your answer.

I wish I could put one of you into my head to feel what I feel, maybe one of you could explain it better.

See, love bombing, I've never had that either! I've never had bunches of flowers or other gifts from an abuser to say sorry. I've not even had a sorry really. Again, it's stupid but what does it say when even an abuser doesn't say sorry to me, I'm not even worthy of that false act.

It's these recognise behavioural characteristics you mentioned. If I can stop being the way I am maybe I won't get hurt anymore.

I shall Google the first book you mention, thank you. I looked at the second one I found a free pdf copy after seeing it mentioned on here. You see I have tried to research this issue myself on here, but I couldn't find anything close.

I'm on page 142/1020, its such horrible format

I don't think you're willing to admit your vulnerability. We are ALL vulnerable sometimes.

The right question isn't "was his hand aggressively moving back to me".

The right question would be "why is he moving his hand back to me when I've made it clear I don't want it there".

As with anything, you have to want your life to change in order for it to improve. Your body tells you you're not happy with this situation. Your brain tells you this. Your heart tells you this. We are ALL telling you this. Literally, all of us.

But you won't believe it. What will it take for you to withdraw and be rid of him? Are you waiting for it to deteriorate? Because it clearly isn't a happy situation for you but you're not willing to make a change.

I hope you do soon, you deserve to feel free. Rid of the anxiety and shame these men are causing you. It doesn't matter WHY you feel that, it only matters that you are, which isn't normal and isn't right.

If I can stop being the way I am maybe I won't get hurt anymore

You don't have to change. You have to change who you allow into your life. That's it. Don't allow him through the door. Nothing else changes. You don't change, your life doesn't change, you just don't let him in. Did you say you have a keysafe that he uses to get in? Change the number. If he bothers you, call the police. Why don't you do these things, rather than torturing yourself over your past or whose fault it is or how to change yourself?

You're an adult. If you don't like something, you distance yourself from it. That's your responsibility to yourself. You are legally responsible for you. Stop him being near you, and use the authorities if necessary.

I think I lost my reply to this one.

I feel sad that my partner doesn't seem to care. Maybe partner isn't the right word to use anymore but I'm unsure what else would fit.

What is odd about Dervel's his offer to bow out is that when I saw it I felt bad. I felt I was in the wrong for making him feel that way. Much like how yesterday when a poster said this was getting a bit much for them personally, I felt bad again. If I had not posted they wouldn't be in that position.

Like I feel bad for worrying people, even when it is their job as a professional. I feel a little bad people have taken time to respond to me here.

It really is that simple. Change the keysafe code. Tell your carers you've broken up and they're not to let him in. Tell them you're worried he may become violent. If he bothers you, call the police.

You don't need to be in a relationship with anyone now. Work on your relationship with yourself. Do nice things for your body, like eat nice food, get a nice handcream, or anything that puts you in touch with yourself in a nice and gentle way. Do the freedom programme. Read books. Take your time to slowly process things. Consider telling your mum what's been going on, let her give you some emotional support. Consider therapy or counselling, when you're ready. Or not! It's your life, take your time to think about how you want to spend it, what will make you happy.

It doesn't have to be a big drama. Just end it with this man, and you can then take all the time and space that you need for yourself.