Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

You stop seeing him. You tell your carers not to let him in. He is an abuser and he will not stop as long as you are seeing him.

But what if my ex is right, that I MAKE men hurt me.

The common denominator here is me

You may feel broken inside and confused but continuing with this man will only make you feel worse.
Spend time on your own needs and with those who love you like your family. Thatsa huge help. Sending you a hand hold xx

He's wrong. You don't. That really is the bottom line.

None of this is your fault op, you don’t make men hurt you. Have you heard of the freedom programme? You can do it online and it will help you recognise abusive behaviour.

I honestly don't know why, I never understand why abusers do the things they do. Maybe he's doing it because he thinks he can get away with it? Whatever his reasons its his problem entirely and you're not to blame. Not all men do this, only men with a problem.

I totally understand you feeling embarrassed, but nobody is judging you now and I'm sure they werent then.
I can tell by how difficult you're finding it to accept what we're saying, that these men have wormed their way into your head and made you feel like you're not good enough. It's brainwashing. You're feelings are just as important as anyone else's and I think deep down you know that he is bad news and you're just struggling to accept it because you're so used to feeling like you're the one whose in the wrong.

As for stopping him without making it worse - I wouldn't even go there at all. Hes made it clear hes going to crack on anyway whether you like it or not. Next time he comes to the door make sure you have a carer present in another room. Say to him that you just want space and to do your own thing and a relationship isn't what you want. Break up with him. But don't do it when you're alone. He will either accept it graciously and leave you alone, or he will start being pushy... in which case your carer and come in and show him the door. Then change the keysafe and don't let him back in.

Or break up with him without actually seeing him in person. Might be safer.

I find it very telling that you equate going along with what someone else wants you to do or what they want to do TO you as being a “normal” woman. If you read all the replies from the “normal” women on this thread you will see that we come in all shapes and sizes and there’s no normal. A woman is entitled to have clear boundaries and is entitled to have those boundaries respected and when they aren’t, that’s what is not normal. So this “partner” as you describe him, is the one who is not normal. You recognise how his treatment of you makes you feel so you are a normal woman. You are now starting to recognise that it’s ok not to be ok with those feelings and that’s the first step.

Hi OP, do you talk to a therapist? Because I think your view of consent and self worth needs professional support. It's worrying that despite being under safeguarding you still believe your abuse is normal or don't recognise how vulnerable you are to abuse. You've only had 2 relationships right? One of which was abusive and needed police and others to step in. And this one. So I think you can see why you shouldn't base your view of men and relationships on this.

Also the fact you let this man in - you need to stop, and let your carer know why. Change the code on key safe. Let your parents know. Show them this thread. Do you need a partner? After your exH don't your parents and family understand why you wouldn't want one?

Is it a possibility to move back with your parents for a time so he can't visit you anymore? They seem to love you and care for you, so I'm sure they'll want to help you.

Yes, they can stop mid-sex and no it does not cause them problems.

If my partner saw me crying or I yelled out in pain, that would become his priority and he would be instantly no longer interested in the sex. He would instantly no longer be turned on and would just want to help me.

I promise you that is what nice, normal men are like. That should be a minimum bar, it's not even a special one. I promise.

If he found out after sex that I had been upset or in pain etc and somehow hadn't noticed he would be genuinely upset and wish he had noticed. He'd be apologetic and feel terrible.

Again nice normal men feel this way and it's a minimum standard for a decent bloke.

I wish I could take a lie detector test and prove to you that's true. It is.

Actually do you have any equal relationships with men? That is, not as a gf, daughter, or a patient or a position where they have any power.

But friends? Co workers? What are those relationships like? Because if you don't have men in your life as peers, you won't see them as non threatening, human beings - idiots who only have the power you give them. You can live a life with no men as well. You don't need them to survive or be happy unless they're providing you a paid or medical service.

Abusive men look for someone to abuse. They try their tricks on lots of women and look for the ones that don’t push them away. With you he’s hit the jackpot. Not only do you not push him away, you are disabled and unable to.
When you tell him it’s over, he will pester you for a while because he won’t like being denied what has been freely available to him and he’ll have to start again and find someone else to abuse. He won’t care about you or how you’re feeling, only that this tap has been turned off.
The Freedom Program is online, so no one will know that you are doing it.
Women’s Aid is anonymous on the phone, so no one needs to know you are talking to them.
’It’s not working for me’ is all you need to say to end a relationship. Don’t apologise, don’t explain.
You can be single again.

Keep it simple.

Step 1: Text him "This isn't working for me, I don't want to see you again." Change the key code, tell your carers not to let him in. Block his number and ignore any communication from him.

Step 2: seek out answers as to why his has happened to you, what men can be like, what abuse is, etc.

I can see you're struggling to accept that this man is abusing you. That's okay, you don't have to believe it in order to protect yourself from what's happening with him.

You have every right to end a relationship for any or no reason at all.

I know because I've been there.

Listen to your body. It's telling you to keep away from men. It's telling you that this man is harming you. You need to get away from him.

Look. It doesn't matter if you are reacting the same way to every man - all that tells you is that you're traumatised and men are triggering to you right now. So keep away from them. Give yourself the space and time you need to heal.

That’s classic abuser language. We are all responsible for our own behaviour and nobody can make us behave a certain way. Abusers choose to abuse. If an interaction with another person causes us so much distress that we feel the need to react in an abusive way then we are responsible for taking steps to remove ourselves from the situation and if this is a regular occurrence then we remove ourselves from the situation. That’s the normal and healthy way to behave, anything else is just an excuse to abuse and then put the blame on the other person for “making” them behave that way. And for what it’s worth I’m not in any way suggesting that you caused your ex any distress whatsoever, I’m making the point that his behaviour was not your fault no matter what your relationship was like. There are no reasons to abuse someone, just excuses. He chose to abuse you.

I think it would help you to remember that the things your ex said to you and about you weren’t meant to make you feel good about yourself, they were meant to make you doubt yourself and make you feel worthless. You already know his behaviour was abusive and serious enough to have the police involved so why then would you put any value on his words. If you keep believing what he said then in a way he is still controlling you. Forget his words, they served him and his behaviour and are nothing to do with you.

And the common denominator was not you, it was abusive men.

Sorry I meant to say if the situation is regularly bad then you remove yourself from the relationship. You don’t abuse someone and then tell them they made you do it. Your ex was an abuser by choice.

To answer your questions I’m 45, have had 8 sexual partners over my life. Most I had sex with multiple times. I’ve never had sex I wasn’t 100% in to. Over the years I’ve asked most partners to stop mid way through at least once for any number of reasons including “I just do t fancy it now we’ve started” and every single one has just stopped respectfully. Normally we chat about why I wanted to stop so they understand for future. I’ve also had partners do same to me and want to stop and I’ve stopped. I’ve never been pinned down or in any way at all forced or pushed into doing something I wasn’t on board with.

Your boundaries have trampled all over. You don’t ever have to have any sexual contact you don’t want. Any man / woman who says or does otherwise needs to be removed from your life.

Text him "This isn't working for me, I don't want to see you again." Change the key code, tell your carers not to let him in. Block his number and ignore any communication from him.

This ^

But tell the carers first, change the key code second, then text him. Then block.

Imagine how relieved you will feel to not have to see him again.

@Shell563 you need to end it as a PP said text him, change the keysafe and tell your carers - all they need to know is the relationship has ended nothing more than that.

Yes, good point.

Do it in that order.

You never have to see or hear from him again.

Oh OP. I am so very glad that you are continuing to post here, I know it must be difficult hearing all of this as it is challenging your years and years of conditioning by various men. It would be so easy to shut off from what we're saying but you haven't and that shows tremendous strength. I know you won't see it like that but it does. There's hope here because you've made the decision to see views that challenge your own and not back away.

You said that your ex-husband told you that you play the victim, which is one of the key reasons why you believe that we are not reacting appropriately to your situation. We need to look carefully at his motives for doing this. He is not going to tell you that he is an abusive arsehole because literally no abusive man since the dawn of time has done that. They are very clever at hiding, at presenting a kind and caring front to the world whilst secretly eroding your self-worth such that you start to doubt basic concepts. There are literally men who have killed their partners and, despite clear evidence of ongoing domestic abuse, will STILL claim that it was all in the woman's head. Admitting abuse means admitting liability for a crime and that's never going to happen.

I also know this is hard to hear but every single post here, including this one, is evidence that you are worthy of kindness, compassion and respect. I've never met you and I never will but I know this because you are a fellow human being and unless you're about to tell us that you're a mass murderer you are by default worthy of all of those things. There is nothing that any man can do to take that away.

OP - you’ve been targeted by abusers (who can sniff out vulnerable people) and taught to believe all kinds of things which aren’t true. You don’t make men hurt you. Unfortunately you’re with men who are criminals but don’t want to admit how wicked they are. The idea that you were “punished” at all by your exH is deeply troubling and the fact that you were punished by being forced to perform sex acts is horrifying and heartbreaking.

Your husband was committing violent crimes against you and this man is doing the same. There’s nothing abnormal about you not wanting sexual touch. Your reaction is normal. “Normal” women don’t want sex with just anyone and don’t want sex acts foisted on them. You feel disgusting because you hate what’s being done to you. You are not on this earth to service men’s sexual needs and this man is a vile sexual aggressor who should be in prison (as your ex should, if he isn’t).

You’ve said you were happy being single and it sounds like you would be much happier if this man would leave you alone and you could focus on creating friendships with women.

As PP have said, change the code to your key safe, tell your carers you don’t want him round. Let safeguarding take over for now if necessary or let your family know what’s going on and advocate for you. Your parents love you and would want to protect you from this. Most of us in your situation would be involving the police if not other outside agencies.

It’s usually about power and exercising it over others. You are right it is evil. It’s not your fault, you did nothing to deserve this, and the sin and shame is theirs and theirs alone.

Furthermore you said you were uncomfortable around men. I just want check in, is my presence on this thread at all a problem? If so just say and I’ll bow out. You don’t need to justify it or go into any further detail than a simple no and I’m gone.

in either case I wish you the absolute best OP.

Of course you don't make men hurt you. You do tolerate it though. That's not the same as an invitation. But you can stop tolerating it (and i think you should). Only you can do that though.

You can ask for help. You don't have to tell your carers or family why, even if they ask. But you can say, I want to finish with x, please be around to support me when I do. Please help me change my keysafe code. Please inform other carers not to let him in as our relationship is over.

You don't need to say anything other than, I don't want this relationship anymore. You don't owe any explanations. You don't need to feel humiliated for simply wanting to end a relationship that doesn't work for you.

He wouldn't be my sexual partner if he didn't respect me!

Show some respect for yourself and get rid why aren't you putting up with this??