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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

528 replies

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 01:16

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 00:46

wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 22:52

Please don't apologise OP, it's completely understandable you are looking for some support and advice.

Thinking about it, it was a good example of why therapy is really helpful.

I felt a bit overwhelmed reading this thread earlier so I (hopefully politely) explained my boundary, did what I needed to do (step away) and didn't feel guilty or like I had let someone down, because it was an act of self care to protect myself.

Before therapy, I would have stayed on the thread no matter how upset it made me to read, spiralled into a panic attack, got over involved beyond my capacity headspace wise but felt too guilty to share my boundary confidently.

It was (accidentally ) good live example of how therapy can help so much with boundaries and self care.

I so hope that you can get this man out of your life and get yourself some help like I did. It saved my life x

But I struggle to see how therapy can really help, or could that be I struggle to see how it could help me. I did have some limited sessions, it feels like we ever so lightly spoke about various topics like this, but it was very much a light touch approach. I genuinely don't believe someone like me can be helped.

I am pleased that you found it helpful & hope it wasn't too painful a process

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 06/10/2022 00:51

I genuinely don't believe someone like me can be helped

If that was true you wouldn't have posted here in the first place.

JestersTear · 06/10/2022 00:52

How does this man get into your home OP? Does he have his own key or are you letting him in? If it's the latter then there is a simple solution - you don't have to let him into your house.
Please ring the Samaritans, or Woman's Aid and just have a chat. You can keep everything anonymous, but they can give you advice and support and a way out of this.

Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 01:07

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 20:35

When I try to, in a jokey swipe his hand away from my intimate areas, he brings it straight back. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it, but he seems to be more forceful with his hand movements, like he is mad at me.

You're not imagining it. You are clearly expressing 'no' and that's going to make him angry, because he doesn't think you have the right to say no to him. Because he is abusive.

When I've tried to put him off popping over, he gets mad at me, again, he seems to be a bit "rough" with me.

He is trying to frighten you so he can maintain control over you. He sounds scary.

I don't want to risk it

Completely understandable. You need some back up, some support, a plan. Again, get in touch with Women's Aid. But also think about what you could do to keep him away. Could you make sure there is always someone else in the room with you, so he can never see you alone? If that's not possible, is there a way to not allow him in your home at all? Do you think he's likely to give up if he can't get to you?

I know you might find it a bit of an intense thought, but could you consider reporting him to the police? What he's doing to you is against the law.

Can I ask another question that I'm certain is going to come across as stupid.

How can you, a stranger know this.

I am well aware I don't react normally around men. Things normal woman don't find an issue, I do. I'm aware of this.
So how do I trust that I'm not over reacting with the hand thing?

It's difficult to explain without going into details which I'm not doing on a forum. There is a difference between a hand violent & aggressively making contact with me intimately & what is happening now, I've experienced both.

How can I be sure this isn't just my body & mind making a connection to the past? That I'm not getting overwhelmed in the heat of the moment & my brain is turning things into something it isn't.

If it's okay for a woman with my history to say no to sex then its also possible such a woman could feel very mixed up over sex. Maybe that's it, my brain is seeing everything &; everyone as a threat? That doesn't mean it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 01:14

Daisychainsx · 05/10/2022 20:58

Everything you said in your last post is so concerning.

Why would all of these people lie to you?! Wiping your tears away and telling you he'll only be another minute? OP please never let this man back in your house. He is a classic abuser. Knows he is hurting you and makes you feel 'special' afterwards so that you allow him to continue to come over and have his way. He's a pig. He clearly gets a buzz from being able to do this to you knowing you don't have the strength to stand up to him. It says nothing about you, this is him, he is the problem here.

I wish you could see it as clearly as everyone else.

Okay again I'm worried I'm portraying him badly here.

I don't mean everyone is lying to me, I just wondered if woman re

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 01:22

Shell563 · 06/10/2022 01:14

Okay again I'm worried I'm portraying him badly here.

I don't mean everyone is lying to me, I just wondered if woman re

Show quote history

Posted too soon.

Im not saying people are lying, not really, more that I struggle to believe I am really the only one one who finds men to be a little aggressive sexual? Who do some of the things I've previously mentioned? I just wondered is people were showing the good, so called normal side of a sex life rather than the real life version I've experienced, is it just me.

How can it just be me? My brain is screaming that cannot be true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 01:37

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 21:33

You're wrong.

When we are treated how we deserve to be treated, we don't feel bad, dirty, skin crawling, upset, anxious, confused, traumatised, afraid.

When we are treated how we deserve to be treated, we feel okay. We might not feel great. But we feel okay.

Your feelings, your body are screaming out at you that this is NOT okay. Even though you keep telling yourself this story about who you are and what you deserve, there's a big part of you that won't have it. Because it's not true. There's a big part of you rebelling against this story you're telling yourself.

Listen to your body. Your body is saying, get me the fuck away from this man. Listen to that. Your head is full of stories you've been told about yourself, and it will take time to sort through all of that. But your body doesn't know how to lie or spin tales. Your body is telling you to get safe, get away from this man, keep him away forever.

Show quote history

Can I explain why I feel like this.

I feel quite uncomfortable just being around males, but at the same time I know that not every man poses a risk to me. My body on the other hand dose not agree. My body physically reacts to being around men, if I listen to my body my friendly post man who visits most days would be a threat. My postman has never done anything to me.

How do I explain this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 01:45

Watchkeys · 06/10/2022 00:51

I genuinely don't believe someone like me can be helped

If that was true you wouldn't have posted here in the first place.

I posted about what I believed to be a very different topic, this theory men can't stop & it's a compliment.

Can I ask, is there no truth to this? I'm doubting everything I believe I know to be true & it's scary.

I know this sounds stupid but can men just choose to stop mid sex? Does it cause them problems?

OP posts:
JestersTear · 06/10/2022 01:48

I know this sounds stupid but can men just choose to stop mid sex? Does it cause them problems?

Yes, they can stop mid-sex and no it does not cause them problems.
Neither is there such a thing as 'blue balls' or injury to men if they don't have sex.

Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 01:54

Gotmynewshoes · 05/10/2022 23:00

I think that a lot of us have shared experiences because we want you to see you don't have to accept it. You don't have to go along with it because it's all you are worth. A lot of us have fallen foul of the same mindset. We are sharing because we want to show you that you can break it. You can find a better relationship. But also, that you don't need to have one, just accept you and what you do and don't like. There's no need for you to be be with someone who makes you feel like you need to scrub your skin off. That's the lowest benchmark and absolutely not what you deserve.

But how did any of you leave this mindset? How do I just tell myself this isn't okay?

I feel like I've spent 24hours now being pulled from pillar to post & questioning everything that I thought was right & having it turned upside down. It's frightening.

I don't fully believe my partner is right, but I don't fully believe he is wrong.

How can this happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 01:57

JestersTear · 06/10/2022 00:52

How does this man get into your home OP? Does he have his own key or are you letting him in? If it's the latter then there is a simple solution - you don't have to let him into your house.
Please ring the Samaritans, or Woman's Aid and just have a chat. You can keep everything anonymous, but they can give you advice and support and a way out of this.

Keysafe, carer or me, it depends.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 06/10/2022 02:05

Can I ask, is there no truth to this?
There is no truth whatsoever that men get carried away, that they can't stop, that they don't notice that their partner doesn't consent even if it's only through body language, or that they all pin women down during sex, choke them, etc. None. Zero.

I know this sounds stupid but can men just choose to stop mid sex? Does it cause them problems?
Not only do men have no problem at all stopping mid-sex, the ones that aren't abusers stop immediately at the first hint that their partner isn't consenting - whether that's verbally or through body language.
Abusers do things to you. Real partners do things with you.

Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 02:11

heyyahhhh · 05/10/2022 23:02

All you have to do is say no. You mention fears around safeguarding and capacity. (im guessing at some point you have had control taken away, if thats so im sorry that happened to you). Standing up for yourself and recognising this relationship is not right, shows you are capable of making your own decisions! Its ok to be in charge of your own body, its ok to not want a relationship and its ok not to want to be touched! please look after YOU

You don't understand, men don't take well to being told no, especially when it comes to sex. Has no one else experienced this??

What the hell is wrong with me????

My capacity has only been questioned with regard to my ex husband. Being disabled means you are treated like a child. When my social worker found out my husband was abusing me in various ways professionals questioned if I was able to make decisions because of him. Inherent justice was mentioned in paperwork I later read. At the time in was threatened with applications to the court of protection because at my safeguarding meetings it was felt my ex was controling me, they put barriers up & threatened me. I got placed in a nursing home because no refuge would/would take me. I'm in my 30's.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 06/10/2022 02:17

You don't understand, men don't take well to being told no, especially when it comes to sex. Has no one else experienced this??

We understand perfectly well.

Anyone who has been sexually assaulted or raped has experienced this. Everyone else has not because this is not the way relationships and sex work.

Daisychainsx · 06/10/2022 04:29

You're not the only person who has ever been through this by any means, it is not your fault that its happening. None of the other men who do this to women are good men either. Abusers tend to be clever and seek women who they don't think will put up much of a fight, or who they think they can manipulate (I.e someone who has been abused in the past). My husband and previous partners react perfectly well to being told no, and will happily cuddle or watch a movie or just lie beside me and read if it's what I want to do. You have just had a really shitty experience with men and it doesn't need to be like that.

Men can absolutely stop mid sex, I guarantee it won't cause him half the problems that all of this is causing you. It's the furthest thing from a compliment, it's a vile and degrading insult. A good man will stop, give you a cuddle and say nothing more about it as soon as he even feels like you're not 'into' it. He wouldn't even start in the first place!

I don't think they were trying to treat you like a child, I think they could see that you were being controlled by a monster and they had to put barriers in place to protect you, they were just fulfilling their duty of care, so don't be afraid to get help. I bet you look at the situation with your ex and think 'thank god I'm out of that'.

You're afraid of men because of what they've done to you, that's perfectly reasonable and I would 100% be the exact same in your position.

Don't give him the chance to do this again. Change the pin on your keysafe, tell your carers that you don't want him there. I know my opinion isn't worth much, but I would suggest taking a break from romantic relationships, you don't need one right now, instead focus on maybe joining a local or online support group and building friendships with other women.

Dervel · 06/10/2022 05:09

100% we men can stop at anytime. It’s a choice not to.

Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 05:51

gwenneh · 06/10/2022 02:17

You don't understand, men don't take well to being told no, especially when it comes to sex. Has no one else experienced this??

We understand perfectly well.

Anyone who has been sexually assaulted or raped has experienced this. Everyone else has not because this is not the way relationships and sex work.

So why is he doing this to me? If it's not as he said, but he also isn't beating me, what the hell is going on because my brain feels like it will explode

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/10/2022 05:55

It’s probably as simple as he does it because he can, because he can get away with it and he doesn’t respect or value you at all. I hope some of these posts are making you realise that this isn’t something you have to put up with anymore.

Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 06:13

Daisychainsx · 06/10/2022 04:29

You're not the only person who has ever been through this by any means, it is not your fault that its happening. None of the other men who do this to women are good men either. Abusers tend to be clever and seek women who they don't think will put up much of a fight, or who they think they can manipulate (I.e someone who has been abused in the past). My husband and previous partners react perfectly well to being told no, and will happily cuddle or watch a movie or just lie beside me and read if it's what I want to do. You have just had a really shitty experience with men and it doesn't need to be like that.

Men can absolutely stop mid sex, I guarantee it won't cause him half the problems that all of this is causing you. It's the furthest thing from a compliment, it's a vile and degrading insult. A good man will stop, give you a cuddle and say nothing more about it as soon as he even feels like you're not 'into' it. He wouldn't even start in the first place!

I don't think they were trying to treat you like a child, I think they could see that you were being controlled by a monster and they had to put barriers in place to protect you, they were just fulfilling their duty of care, so don't be afraid to get help. I bet you look at the situation with your ex and think 'thank god I'm out of that'.

You're afraid of men because of what they've done to you, that's perfectly reasonable and I would 100% be the exact same in your position.

Don't give him the chance to do this again. Change the pin on your keysafe, tell your carers that you don't want him there. I know my opinion isn't worth much, but I would suggest taking a break from romantic relationships, you don't need one right now, instead focus on maybe joining a local or online support group and building friendships with other women.

If it's not my fault then why does it keep happening to me? If it's so wrong, why he is treating me this way?

I know that the professionals were just doing their job, & I am glad I'm not in that position, but I remember how humiliating it was. Even now I don't interact with any of my professionals if I can avoid it. It's shameful, having everyone know what had been happening to me.

Now I know I cannot just ask my GP/counsellors/care company/SW or anyone else for advice without section 42 of the care act taking over,

I could not do it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 06:15

So what do I do to stop him without making it worse?

OP posts:
Leomii81 · 06/10/2022 06:19

Have you no family parents op? Who could help you

Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 06:22

Dervel · 06/10/2022 05:09

100% we men can stop at anytime. It’s a choice not to.

But why do men do it?

I don't make a fuss, I try really, really hard to be normal.

I don't fight, but they still just do exactly what they want & at their worst are just evil.

OP posts:
Clara27 · 06/10/2022 06:23

He’s doing it because he can, he sees you have no boundaries and knows he can say and do as he pleases with no thought to you as a person because he doesn’t see you as a person. This won’t change, he won’t ever change towards you. I’m glad you’re questioning things now and it’s good that you’re finding these new thoughts very troubling. The important thing now is to remember he won’t change and you should listen to your gut which has been telling you all along that this is not ok. Now your head is starting to catch up and everyone here is advising you to listen to that too and believe in yourself.
For the record, he is not a good person and he is certainly not someone who you should have in your life, on any level. Abusers get away with so much because others are willing to give the benefit of doubt to them. This is a slippery slope. Your life experiences have led you to a skewed way of thinking but you say yourself you would advise a friend differently so maybe start being a friend to yourself and listen to your gut. You are worth caring about x

Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 06:27

Leomii81 · 06/10/2022 06:19

Have you no family parents op? Who could help you

I do, yes & they love me & would do anything for me. They were gutted when my ex husband was arrested, it hurt them too. They don't know the details, just that he was arrest for domestic abuse. I didn't tell them that for a long time but they were asking questions as it was Xmas.

One of the only benefits to me having a partner is taking some pressure off family

OP posts:
Leomii81 · 06/10/2022 06:27

Get rid of this man. You need therapy, kindness, affection and stability.
You should not be feeling dirty to your core.
Trust what your mind is telling you. You have a strong instinct about this man abusing you. Don't put his dirty old needs above your own. He wants to be rough let him visit a sex worker. He sound's a vile twat.