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Original poster

Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

528 replies

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 01:16

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 20:35

When I try to, in a jokey swipe his hand away from my intimate areas, he brings it straight back. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it, but he seems to be more forceful with his hand movements, like he is mad at me.

You're not imagining it. You are clearly expressing 'no' and that's going to make him angry, because he doesn't think you have the right to say no to him. Because he is abusive.

When I've tried to put him off popping over, he gets mad at me, again, he seems to be a bit "rough" with me.

He is trying to frighten you so he can maintain control over you. He sounds scary.

I don't want to risk it

Completely understandable. You need some back up, some support, a plan. Again, get in touch with Women's Aid. But also think about what you could do to keep him away. Could you make sure there is always someone else in the room with you, so he can never see you alone? If that's not possible, is there a way to not allow him in your home at all? Do you think he's likely to give up if he can't get to you?

I know you might find it a bit of an intense thought, but could you consider reporting him to the police? What he's doing to you is against the law.

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 20:40

wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 18:54

Do men notice? Do men really look into the eyes of their partner while they do something like this.

Decent men having sex with you notice your reactions because they see sex as something they do with you, not to you. Something you enjoy together, not something a woman lets them do.

Your belief that no women have ever been with men who haven't at some point physically restrained them or forced them to do something uncomfortable during sex makes me want to cry.

You sound too vulnerable to be in any kind of relationship with someone who doesn't have absolutely crystal clear understanding of, and respect for, boundaries.

He has told you out loud that if he was having sex with you and you wanted to stop, that would be overridden by his desire to keep going.

That isn't flattering. It is treating someone as a sexual service appliance.

Please don't continue to be abused. Your gut feeling is right on this. Your skin is crawling because this isn't a man you should have in your life at all. He's not a healthy person to be around.

You've been through too much to waste more time on a man who is making you feel this way and making you question whether him saying he 'can't help' sexual assault is ok or not.

It isn't ok. Decent men don't think like this at all.

Again, maybe it's how I'm phrasing it. I'm not saying he has never looked up at me during sex, but it's once maybe twice. I don't want to think that he has noticed & not acted. What would that say about me?

I'm sorry my beliefs upset you, I didn't mean to. I don't mean in a TV r**e way, I mean in a real life holding the wrists & when you try to move they tighten or move with you, or holding you by the shoulders, the neck (gently to the point you can't breathe), grabbing the hip/hips, hair, "slipping" during a particular act or "forgetting", whatever.
Is it really just me this happens with? You're not lying to make me believe you?

He told me he "couldn't help it" when he wiped away a tear recently. However he was nice to me after, he dried my tears & stroked my hair in a nice way.

He's told me he "won't be long" or "just a minute", I get that a lot.

Once he asked me if it really mattered :(
It was only once, but I felt so dirty

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 20:48

What would that say about me

What do you feel it would say about you? What you feel is the most important. If you feel that being the victim of sex crimes says something about you, then that's probably why you're allowing this to continue.

Daisychainsx · 05/10/2022 20:58

Everything you said in your last post is so concerning.

Why would all of these people lie to you?! Wiping your tears away and telling you he'll only be another minute? OP please never let this man back in your house. He is a classic abuser. Knows he is hurting you and makes you feel 'special' afterwards so that you allow him to continue to come over and have his way. He's a pig. He clearly gets a buzz from being able to do this to you knowing you don't have the strength to stand up to him. It says nothing about you, this is him, he is the problem here.

I wish you could see it as clearly as everyone else.

Wiccan · 05/10/2022 21:01

OP I hope that you find a way to believe that you are being abused by this person I really do. but the way you are constantly able to talk in detail about what he is doing is now making for very uncomfortable reading .

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 21:06

OP you are describing rape. What you are saying is extremely disturbing.

You need to make sure this man never comes near you again.

My best advice would be to call the police. You are not safe as long as this man is around you.

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 21:09

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 20:48

What would that say about me

What do you feel it would say about you? What you feel is the most important. If you feel that being the victim of sex crimes says something about you, then that's probably why you're allowing this to continue.

I think it's a bit harsh to say she's allowing this to continue. She is frightened of telling him to stop. It's unlikely he will stop even if told clearly. OP needs to make sure he does not have access to her/her home. She may need to involve the police, or her carers, or at the very least, get help from Women's Aid to be able to stop this.

wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 21:11

I was upset for you OP, no need to apologise.

As a survivor myself I'm going to bow out now only because the level of details are very upsetting and too triggering for me personally.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm trying to reiterate just how bad this situation is and how vital it is that you get this man out of your life.

I really hope you can access some therapy and do so. You deserve to be happy.

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 21:18

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 21:09

I think it's a bit harsh to say she's allowing this to continue. She is frightened of telling him to stop. It's unlikely he will stop even if told clearly. OP needs to make sure he does not have access to her/her home. She may need to involve the police, or her carers, or at the very least, get help from Women's Aid to be able to stop this.

Show quote history

It's not harsh; you're agreeing! OP needs to find a way to stop this from continuing.

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 21:20

Gotmynewshoes · 05/10/2022 19:16

You are the victim. No "playing". You've been worked on to absorb the guilt. That doesn't mean it's yours though. It means that you've been manipulated and abused. Not something that anybody would be comfortable admitting, but you need to accept it so that you can build healthy boundaries and live a life that makes you happy. You are worth more.

I think I'm worth exactly what I get.

Im being treated exactly as I deserve.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 21:26

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 21:18

It's not harsh; you're agreeing! OP needs to find a way to stop this from continuing.

Show quote history

Okay. I thought phrasing it as "allowing" it to happen sounded like you were putting the blame on OP. It's definitely not her fault this is happening.

I agree though that she needs to find a way to stop it.

guerrillagirl · 05/10/2022 21:27

OP please take the advice on here and get some help to remove this monster from your life. None of what you are saying sounds ok - it’s all very very concerning

takealettermsjones · 05/10/2022 21:28

OP you are describing violent rape.

Please understand that nobody here has any reason to lie to you.

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 21:33

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 21:20

I think I'm worth exactly what I get.

Im being treated exactly as I deserve.

Show quote history

You're wrong.

When we are treated how we deserve to be treated, we don't feel bad, dirty, skin crawling, upset, anxious, confused, traumatised, afraid.

When we are treated how we deserve to be treated, we feel okay. We might not feel great. But we feel okay.

Your feelings, your body are screaming out at you that this is NOT okay. Even though you keep telling yourself this story about who you are and what you deserve, there's a big part of you that won't have it. Because it's not true. There's a big part of you rebelling against this story you're telling yourself.

Listen to your body. Your body is saying, get me the fuck away from this man. Listen to that. Your head is full of stories you've been told about yourself, and it will take time to sort through all of that. But your body doesn't know how to lie or spin tales. Your body is telling you to get safe, get away from this man, keep him away forever.

Gotmynewshoes · 05/10/2022 21:37

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 21:20

I think I'm worth exactly what I get.

Im being treated exactly as I deserve.

Show quote history

You don't deserve this. Really, you don't!
I dont look down on you for it, I dont want you to think that. I've been in shitty situations too. It's taken a long while, but I know I didn't deserve them. I thought it was all I was worth for a while too. But I know now that it's not. I'd just found scummy men. Or they'd found me. But you can and should move passed it. You are worth so much more.

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 21:41

beastlyslumber · 05/10/2022 21:33

You're wrong.

When we are treated how we deserve to be treated, we don't feel bad, dirty, skin crawling, upset, anxious, confused, traumatised, afraid.

When we are treated how we deserve to be treated, we feel okay. We might not feel great. But we feel okay.

Your feelings, your body are screaming out at you that this is NOT okay. Even though you keep telling yourself this story about who you are and what you deserve, there's a big part of you that won't have it. Because it's not true. There's a big part of you rebelling against this story you're telling yourself.

Listen to your body. Your body is saying, get me the fuck away from this man. Listen to that. Your head is full of stories you've been told about yourself, and it will take time to sort through all of that. But your body doesn't know how to lie or spin tales. Your body is telling you to get safe, get away from this man, keep him away forever.

Show quote history

Well said. OP, if this was how you deserved to be treated, if this was the right thing for you, you'd feel ok with it. But you don't. People who feel ok with their relationship don't post on forums about them. Your head is saying one thing (I should have sex with him) and your body is saying something else (NO! I can't do this)

We have to listen to our feelings in order to be happy, because 'happy' is a feeling; it's the lack of negative feelings.

Always4Brenner · 05/10/2022 21:43

Wiccan · 05/10/2022 21:01

OP I hope that you find a way to believe that you are being abused by this person I really do. but the way you are constantly able to talk in detail about what he is doing is now making for very uncomfortable reading .

It most certainly is I’m heartbroken for you OP please this must stop its abuse, you are not pathetic you can survive this but first with help get rid of him.

Leomii81 · 05/10/2022 22:00

This is very sad reading. OP you sound like your own self worth and self esteem is incredibly low.

You say yourself your better on your own why not get rid of this man and work on your own WORTHY self. Invest in yourself and not about just pleasing him.

Be on your own talk through all your demons with a therapist and don't EVER let any man make you feel so damn shit about yourself again.

Going to be harsh get a bloody backbone and tell this bloke to do one. He is assaulting you and twisting it by saying he can't stop! Bullshit!
Please get professional help for your mental health and own sanity. You deserve to be safe happy and loved decently.🌹

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 22:42

wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 21:11

I was upset for you OP, no need to apologise.

As a survivor myself I'm going to bow out now only because the level of details are very upsetting and too triggering for me personally.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm trying to reiterate just how bad this situation is and how vital it is that you get this man out of your life.

I really hope you can access some therapy and do so. You deserve to be happy.

Can I just say that I'm sorry again, because I didn't want to do that to anyone, especially someone whom has tried to help me.

I thought your previous message had said "has he told you out loud" not, as I now read "He has told you out loud". I was trying to give examples of how things are not like on ó TV,

I've tried hard not to upset anyone with my posts. I don't like to think about it & I don't believe it's necessary (unless someone can shed some light). Maybe that post should be removed. I don't even like using the r**e word as you may have noticed. Yes, it's stupid,, I know.

I'm sorry to anyone else I've caused upset to

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 22:52

Please don't apologise OP, it's completely understandable you are looking for some support and advice.

Thinking about it, it was a good example of why therapy is really helpful.

I felt a bit overwhelmed reading this thread earlier so I (hopefully politely) explained my boundary, did what I needed to do (step away) and didn't feel guilty or like I had let someone down, because it was an act of self care to protect myself.

Before therapy, I would have stayed on the thread no matter how upset it made me to read, spiralled into a panic attack, got over involved beyond my capacity headspace wise but felt too guilty to share my boundary confidently.

It was (accidentally ) good live example of how therapy can help so much with boundaries and self care.

I so hope that you can get this man out of your life and get yourself some help like I did. It saved my life x

wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 22:54

You've nothing to apologise for OP and you don't sound pathetic or stupid - things you've called yourself on this thread.

You sound vulnerable and need, and deserve, better than the way you're being treated in your life Flowers

Gotmynewshoes · 05/10/2022 23:00

I think that a lot of us have shared experiences because we want you to see you don't have to accept it. You don't have to go along with it because it's all you are worth. A lot of us have fallen foul of the same mindset. We are sharing because we want to show you that you can break it. You can find a better relationship. But also, that you don't need to have one, just accept you and what you do and don't like. There's no need for you to be be with someone who makes you feel like you need to scrub your skin off. That's the lowest benchmark and absolutely not what you deserve.

heyyahhhh · 05/10/2022 23:02

All you have to do is say no. You mention fears around safeguarding and capacity. (im guessing at some point you have had control taken away, if thats so im sorry that happened to you). Standing up for yourself and recognising this relationship is not right, shows you are capable of making your own decisions! Its ok to be in charge of your own body, its ok to not want a relationship and its ok not to want to be touched! please look after YOU

Tsort · 05/10/2022 23:56

I’m sorry if you’ve already said, but I’ve read your posts and don’t think you have - but why are you in this relationship? Rape aside (not words I ever thought I’d type) you don’t want to be in it, you don’t like to be touched, he doesn’t live with you. What’s stopping you from ending it? What would you be losing?

Original poster
Shell563 · 06/10/2022 00:39

Gotmynewshoes · 05/10/2022 21:37

You don't deserve this. Really, you don't!
I dont look down on you for it, I dont want you to think that. I've been in shitty situations too. It's taken a long while, but I know I didn't deserve them. I thought it was all I was worth for a while too. But I know now that it's not. I'd just found scummy men. Or they'd found me. But you can and should move passed it. You are worth so much more.

Show quote history

Thank you for this it feels so silly to say some of these things. The whole situation seems so isolating, so stupid. I'm a grown adult & how I feel if someone else said this very different. So although I feel sad you have felt any version of this, it feels good to not be the only one.

OP posts: