Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Yeah I was pretty sure my XH had a gf for the last 3 years of our marriage, I was just relieved and happy for someone to take him off my hands. When the time was right I divorced him. I didn’t love him any more but needed him around for the DC until I was ready. It was then that I felt sad that he had someone and I didn’t (I’m competitive!). Then I met my DP and it was all good.

i had too much self-respect to make a song and dance tbh, and like the OP I have always always been financially independent. We’re all different.

My guess is she's not in love with him...at least not fully..

I loved my ex but we were more like best friends/brother and sister. Don't get me wrong there was real value in the relationship and I wonder if this is the same kind of thing for the OP.

That’s what I was wondering. Is it ongoing, OP? He or she may have ended it.

You kept saying it’s not about self respect but I’m afraid I can’t see it any other way. You would rather disrespect yourself and allow your husband to have sex with another woman because your scared to Rock the boat and be alone. I couldn’t bare the thought of a man pulling his Devil dick out one hole and home straight into mine 🤢

Each to there own but it wouldn’t work for me and I certainly wouldn’t be having sex with and playing happy families with someone who was then going and dipping his wick elsewhere . I can fully see why people stay together for financial / convenience reasons when their partner has an affair but in the sense of they share a house / kids not an intimate life .

Honestly- if it works for you then why not. Marriage and family life is complicated and it’s not much different from women who decide to stay with a husband they don’t love just to keep stability for their children. Except that you are getting your needs met so seem to be in a better position!
The grass isn’t always greener and now I’m in my 50s I’ve realized that you have to live the life that suits you and not worry about what others think/say!

As someone who deals with divorces daily , yes I see it all the time , fake convenience marriages are quite common . The more I see it the more I think it’s sheer hypocrisy . Sorry it’s not something I can understand or want too and certainly not something I can respect as a woman on a personal level . But at the end of the day it’s your life and nobody should judge you if it works for you .

@Bananaramarama im sorry but your post had me stumped at

"you feel sorry you can't give your husband a wife that orgasms..."

Um dont be sorry. Unless you have some medical problem that means you can never climax its completely on him. HE should be the one giving you the orgasm and he should be the one apologising. The other lady most likely faked it.
How backwards

This is sickening. Some of the replies agreeing with the OP are depressing and strangely sexist. Internalized misogyny alive and well. You should be enough for your partner. He vowed to be faithful to you.

You’re living a lie though. I couldn’t cuddle up with a man I knew was betraying me at the basest of levels. Let alone have sex with him. I think it’s rather worrying that you can and actually enjoy it OP. Even worse that you’re financially independent IMO. Would you tell your DC to do the same if their partners were cheating on them?

How would you feel if he kept a big financial transaction secret from you, hid money, or forged your signature on a legal document?

Fair enough if you’d both agreed to an open relationship if either of you didn’t want sex with the other anymore but this is not that. I don’t think it’s empowering that you know either. It’s like maschism. All the excuses you make about not wanting him to lose half his business (WTAF!), splitting inheritances etc, are just excuses to cling onto him because your self esteem must be so low you don’t think you are worth any better.

I’d advise counselling rather than trying to find similarly low self worth people on here.

This.

If you're happy with it, you're happy with it.

But what does happen if he gives you an STI or she gets pregnant and wants to continue the pregnancy?

But hes lying to you every day ? You haven't got an open marriage where you have agreed its ok
He id going behind your back day in day out , that for me would be the dealbreaker
Someone always gets hurt in these situations

I had been with my partner since I was 16 years old. We stayed together through adulthood and having two children. It came out he was cheating, and probably had our whole relationship, alongside that was many instances of abuse. This is commonplace with someone who approaches life in this way. I’d never have compromised my children’s well-being and happiness over an affair or a quick shag, ever… and if I did, I’d be compelled to tell the partner that I loved and cared about, that if made a terrible mistake but their health and well being was more important to me. The best thing that ever happened to me was a mutual friend taking me aside and saying the man who I thought loved me, was the father of my children, was having relationships with other women. It was liberating. Get that fucker to fuck… you deserve better. Your present and future children deserve better. Get out now ❤️. Move on. They don’t change. Good people would never compromise the health of someone they loved, never mind the health of children…well rid.

Fair play, OP. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. My only question is: why not tell him you know?

Also he must be using family money at some time to spend on her : with her As well as time away from his kids
Unless he sneaks out at 2 am
Also he is sneaking around on you despite what you are saying and of course he is having secret phone calls etc you just haven't caught him
On those yet

@Leemoe sti can come from anyone , some people have got them from one partner
Maybe his GF is also sleeping with others as well who knows as it seems he doesn't spend that much time with her
Pretty archiac to think gay men get more sti than hetrosexual couples

Very old fashioned relationship OP.

We live a lovely life of blissful existence, with money, cuddles, fires, kids activities, respect and no cheating either side. In fact it's more honest because you haven't told your cheating H you know and think it's wonderful he has someone else to shag him so you don't have to.

So lucky you guys.

I think our life is easier but each to their own.

I think it is absolutely sick.

Maybe he is waiting until ours have “flown the nest” - so be it; that would still be a more comfortable and convenient time to divorce than now

OP you actually don't really care if he divorced you/leaves you. You accept it as a possibility. Being ok with your husband having sex with another woman is one thing (I've known people who didn't mind this). Not caring if he divorced you, unless it's at an inconvenient time, is quite different.

I'm divorcing a man who views me like you do your husband. I'm not cheating on him although it would have helped our sexual incompatibility if I had. I can absolutely guarantee you that my divorce is 100x more inconvenient than yours would be because it involves visas, international moves and multiple languages, on top of a complex financial situation across countries, financial systems and languages. It's not comfortable and definitely not convenient. But knowing how little I'm actually worth as a person outside my monetary value to him (value = in terms of facilitating his career progression and keeping finances simple if we're together) is worth it.

My question is have you told him that if he divorced you when the kids have "flown the nest" (some only do that in their 30s!) then so be it? You just want him to stick around now, because it's financially inconvenient and the kids would grow up between two homes?

I'll admit that kids growing up between two homes isn't ideal. But it's better than growing up with parents who are play acting for years. And that's what you're doing. You're both pretending he's not cheating. If you both were actually were fine with it, then you'd tell him you're happy that he's found someone to give him whatever he's missing from you (we can't be everything to everyone) because your relationship feels good. And he would not dump her, he'd carry on with her relieved not to have to sneak around any more.

You're both playing at bring ok with non-monogamy, which is a set up I know can work well for some, except that actually neither of you are ok with it! And it's not really non-monogamy when it's not consensual - which he believes it's not. It's just cheating.

I do wonder if you'd have put up with this if your finances were separate, he didn't own a business and you didn't feel a financial gain from staying with him.

I don't blame you at all op.

It sounds like the situation is benefiting you.

And as you say, splitting would cause total chaos for everyone so what's the point?

I can't handle being lied to like that. It's so disrespectful. I was in an open relationship once upon a time. The difference was it was open. I didn't need to know any details about the other women. I didn't care. I didn't see any other guy for a long time, but then when I did my partner couldn't handle it!! I think what men want is to be able to screw whoever they want while you stay faithful to them.

OP, don't think taking on a "toyboy" one day will be justified. It won't make things equal. Your partner won't like being cheated on. It will probably destroy your family, and you'll get equal blame for it, which isn't fair but that's how it will be seen. Even if you don't have another relationship, if his affair comes out, you will still be blamed for doing nothing and lying to your children. Because that's what it is. You're both lying. You're both faking a happy family.

Obviously it's not ideal, but sometimes none of the choices in front of us are, in fact, ideal.

I do think it's possible to have a caring relationship with more than one person. The difficulty with that is that in the end, there will almost always be moments where one has to choose to prioritize one over the other. And that creates difficulties.

I also think it's very bad for kids to know about this kind of thing and you can't always control that possibility.

And tbh I would rather a situation like this than some kind of stupid polyamourous set-up, or "consentual non-monogamy."

So you chuck him out and he lives his own life. He sleeps with other women and then cuddles his children. That ok?

I think a lot of people would secretly agree with this. They would stay with a cheating DH for the sake of "family" and children.
I'm not sure I would be able to keep it a secret and not make comments and be bitchy about it 😂😂
But it's actually great it works out for you. I like your positivity towards a situation most people would find distressing and horrible.