Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

He sounds like YOU are still his priority @SamillaW

I admire you all. I decided a while ago as a successful, highly educated 30 something woman that I didn't want children and it's actually been more awful if I try dating apps. Without being burgh I am very attractive, and/ but that is the only thing any man I meet now tells m

Me I am worth. I am done. I am bisexual so fuck this for a laugh

Honestly, I feel sorry for you, having come out the other side from an affair to the side. That side petrified me too at the beginning, but now I am so glad I am not in a dishonest, disrespectful relationship. Even if your DH is in a happy place and you feel that works for you, he’s lying every minute of every day, and has done for two years. Personally I would feel pretty sickened by that, and that would trump the financial implications of calling time.

I wouldn't because of the uncertainty, but what I would do in your situation is raise the issue, tell him you are ok with it but that he needs to be honest about his plans etc going forward.

If it works for you though as it is, go for it, it's no one's business except yours.

I find the reaction of many posters so interesting . My feeling is that you know exactly what you are doing and that its ok to carry on as you are. Marriage can be so may different things to different people. You are in a situation where you have already nearly separated and it sounds that you may not be equal in your sex drive . So you are compromising and it sounds like its working. You have a happier husband and he treats you well . You accept that he has needs that you cannot meet, so he is having those needs met elsewhere. I think so many of us have a narrow view of what marriage means. I sleep in a separate room from my husband due to snoring but when you share such things on MN , people gasp in horror, wondering how we can still be close unless we sleep next to each other. I can be nice to him during the day because I have actually slept.
Good luck to you I say. Who knows what the future holds but today its working for you.

He's happy because of her though.

Fuck. That.

I honestly couldn't stand someone mugging me off like that.

If you're sure he won't leave you for her, do you think he's stringing her along with promises he will leave you one day and be with her? What kind of other reason would a woman want an affair with a married man? Does he spend lots of money on her? Unless she's in a loveless marriage and wants some excitement, but from what you say it seems like a long term thing?

I agree with this tbh. I don’t think it has anything to do with self respect either

I’m on holiday at the moment
and as you do get chatting to people
Two women are here with the boyfriends / affair partners and they are each other’s alibis

its pretty clear that neither of the men ( both single ) will marry them / want long term commitment

But one of the women has said she want to leave her husband for affair
The other one said she won’t because she has a very nice lifestyle

I couldn't personally live like this - I want a partner who wants me, thinks I am enough and respects me. I have no interest in being in a man's hareem.

What does he have to do to actually cross a line for you? If he takes on another side peice in addition? Gives you a sti? Knocks her up? When do you develop self worth?

You know there's a chance he's killing time till kids are older, financial complications are less etc - will you not feel like he cheated you out of your best years where you could have been divorced and found someone that actually cared for you, loved you, wanted you, respected you?

Yes that's true, even the Queen and Philip did it. You only need to look at pictures of Lord Porchester compared to Prince Andrew and Baron Plunket compared to Prince Edward to see who their fathers are, but unless you're a Hyacinth Bucket type who thinks everything royalty does it great, doesn't make all the fake image and lies alright.

The only thing I don’t like about affairs is that someone else is in control of your sexual health.
Having unprotected sex with someone then coming home and having unprotected sex with you . The rest I get - life is NOT black and white. I work in the city and see how many people are having affairs - in my investment bank, in friend’s investment banks - it’s rife … but the lack of protection for me is a total game changer …you have no idea about their sexual health and dipping the rod into two ponds means you get exposed but you just don’t know or even have a choice!

I mean I'm probably the odd ball out on this one. Then again I am pagan. While I don't pretend to understand it if you are happy like this it is your life. You do you. I don't really care. I would probably not tolerate it myself but it's not my life and not my marriage. Do you think you will ever be brave enough to talk to your husband about it? Would you ever consider getting a boyfriend on the side or are you content as is?

OP, if you really don't care about your husband having an affair, then tell him you know and tell him that you are cool with it. It might take a huge weight of his mind assuming that he is human enough to feel some guilt around what he is doing.

Hmmm... I think if this is the case I don't think he is into her that much. He seems to think you are more important it sounds like it's not a simple thing. She is probably just a fuck buddy really. Otherwise I imagine he would be investing far more time into her. Why not propose an open marriage I wonder?

The more I think of this subject, the more I feel confused about this other woman. The only women who would bother to have a long term relationship with a married man are either gullible and believe his promises that he's just staying with his wife for the children and will leave her, or the married man is spending lots of money on them, so they're like an escort.
If one of the reasons you stay together is financial, then wouldn't he be taking away finances to keep her happy?
Also, unless she's getting a lot out of it financially, why would she want to be sleeping with a man who still has cuddles with his wife on the sofa? I doubt he tells her that. I would feel uncomfortable he's probably lying to the other woman.

Look don’t get me wrong, he isn’t rubbing this in my face. There are no mysterious work trips or missing money or hidden phone calls from the bathroom. I would never have found out if it was for what happened.

It sounds like both the women in his life (you and his OW) are prepared to take the crumbs from his table. If you don't notice any difference and things are ticking along nicely, and meanwhile the OW is not spending any time with him because he isn't disappearing off to be with her, you're both settling for what you can get which isn't very much.

Long live the Patriarchy! Man gets his cake and eats it, women get a few crumbs and reconciles it in their mind as "oh it's fine, mustn't rock the boat because it will all get messy".

you're kidding yourself if you think everything's sussed and under control. It's only that way because you're putting up and shutting up. He isn't Prince Charming.

I think this sort of set up can work for some people and if Op is happy in the situation now, I don’t see the issue.

The problem I see with these set ups, and I have seen 3 times, is that when it does come out it causes huge issues. I don’t think it’s that rare. And it’s not always women.

Everyone of these situations has ended with heart ache for all. The one being cheated on feels in control for a while, because they are the only one that actually knows everything. Then slowly, they feel resentment. It creeps up. Things come to a head and it implodes. Children, even adult children end up caught in the cross fire, realising what they thought their childhood was, was actually fake. The cheated on party doesn’t get over the resentment. The cheater ends up with the OW/OM. Logistics of having the bitter parent, the cheater parent and their partner around hangs over everything anyone does. Weddings, births, birthdays.

I can actually see how, in Ops position, it’s appealing at the moment. Life seems good, so why change it. I just think it’s rare for it to work over 10-20 years.

It sounds like an open relationship to me? Not for me, I’d rather be single than be in an open relationship, but it works for some

I think I understand what you're saying, OP. It makes sense.

I have two questions:

1. Do you think he feels any sense of Duper's Delight at the idea of you being oblivious?

2. Do you think the situation has boosted his ego to an irritating extent? (Thinks he is 'worth' two women; has become 'cocky', so to speak)

Oh give over.

To think that the other woman is necessarily pining for this man or believing his lies (if he even tells them - he wouldn't have to if she doesn't want him to leave) is simplistic. She might be fine with the situation like OP is but for other reasons.

Maybe she likes the sex and the fact that isn't around all the time and she doesn't want more than he gives. Perhaps in that way the two women are similar.

I work in a pub, believe me, the amount of men having affairs, one nighters, is shocking. It's up to you OP but I just don't think I could do it.

I can imagine reacting like this, though I think I’d feel more inclined to want to discuss it and have it as something we’re open about.