Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

She gets to keep her lifestyle. It is.

How on earth can you have sex with someone who's putting it about? That's gruesome.

You’re not being honest. He doesn’t love you and presumably you don’t love him and you’re worried he’ll leave you if you say anything. You’re dressing it up as it’s just great, it suits me, but wow so many lies, him to you, you to him and you to yourself.

It reminds me of those ridiculous WAGs.

Please get an STI check.

Each to their own, but I don't think I could trust or have any intimacy with my DH if I knew he was having a sexual/emotional affair for 2yrs.

I don't think deciding to stay after an affair or whilst another one is going on is that unusual, I know of several couples of varying ages and stages of life that have done this, what is more unusual is to be very happy about it and want it to continue.

Most cases I know are where the wife doesn't ask questions because they simply don't want to know the answers so don't ask them or don't look too closely at suspicious behaviour.

I also know at least three families where the husband had a long-term mistress including in two cases additional children but again, the original wife chose to keep the marriage, sometimes right up to death, rather than confront the actual situation.

I also have a couple of friends that know about or suspect their husbands (multiple as it is rarely about one person) infidelity, but they have not worked or work in p/t jobs and having seen their likely lifestyle, and the number of their kids (three in both cases) have chosen, possibly wisely IMO, to stay with them for financial and ease of life situations. They don't want to be single parents or on benefits or running round endlessly driving the kids everywhere which is what would await them if they jumped in mid-life and got a divorce.

None of this is for me, I love to be the centre of my husband's world and so I could never begin to cope with any competition whatsoever, but I can also see that there are many living situations that are far more complex than what is portrayed on here (romantic love vs financial arrangement).

Occasionally the wives have returned the favour by having a relationship of their own, although this tends to be short-lived and more like a revenge thing from what I can see.

I don't judge this at all, but I think the chances of the boat not rocking or your children being affected are nil. I hated my dad having constant affairs, it's very destroying to your peace of mind as a child.

For me I couldn’t do this.
It wouldn’t even be the sex/cheating part.

It’s the fact he’s sneaking around my back, lying, thinking I’m so stupid, whilst they’re laughing and making plans behind my back.

If he respected you he could have come to you as an equal and said he’s not happy but he doesn’t want to split up and would you be willing to have an open marriage.

The only reason he didn’t do this and is instead lying and keeping secrets - is because he wouldn’t want you doing the same thing, as he does not see you as his equal.

I can guarantee that if you ever had an affair he would end the relationship.

I could not be with someone who had no respect for me.

Very rarely is it culturally acceptable for women to have affairs. Because the men who have these culturally accepted extramarital relationships would not tolerate the disrespect of their wives doing the same.

Sounds like monogamy is going well in modern day life.

Even if they think they are being discrete it will come out they must go for dinner etc unless it’s an escort in hotel type set up.
I couldn’t bear thought of my child finding out then not knowing if they could speak to you.

You are treating this like a business situation.

Only after joining MN did I realise how many people marry like a business situation.

Apologies if someone has already asked this, but is there any reason you wouldn't just suggest nonmonogamy/poly? It totally makes sense that you like the lifestyle you have together and don't actually want it to change. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with the way you're feeling.

I'm torn, on one hand I would personally be jealous and worried about giving my time and life to him for him to potentially leave me when I was old. I would also be embarrassed if my family were to find out.

On the other hand, if it works for you then it works. And if you are financially stable alone then really that takes a big chunk of anxiety away. As long as the same courtesy is extended to you if you see someone who takes your fancy

Does he know you know?

Very rarely is it culturally acceptable for women to have affairs. Because the men who have these culturally accepted extramarital relationships would not tolerate the disrespect of their wives doing the same.

Exactly!

And this is the part of his actions that I wouldn’t stand for - that he sees her as beneath him and that if the tables were turned then he’d leave her without a second thought.

Ahhhh just seen that he doesn't know you know.
What do you think he would say if he did? Would he be ashamed or upset?

I couldn’t stay. There one thing I would want is to be a partners priority. Not to the exclusion of anything else at all in their lives but someone who puts me, and any children we had together, first above all else. And I strongly believe, that in this age of not-extended families and two career families that you can only do that for a partner and your children, with a sort of outer ring of siblings and parents. As my daughter and I are missing the entire outer ring, through either death or emigration, I’d absolutely insist on exclusivity in a partnership. I couldn’t consent to an effectively polyamorous relationship (I can’t imagine how anyone has the emotional capacity for polyamory anyway), especially one that was forced on me without my consent. The patriarchal authoritarian lack of respect from them and my lack of trust in them following the deception would be devastating for me.

However, you aren’t me. If you are genuinely happy with it, the balance of power in your relationship is truly equal and you have real-world choices, I see no problem with it. I can certainly empathise with the sex-pressure easing. I’d be careful about your mental hygiene though. In my experience people consciously think they are making rational, intelligent decisions about this sort of thing as a way of feeling in control about something that is not in their control, but actually feel powerless and suppress the natural emotional distress that then forces it’s way out through other cracks.

That's.. really sad.

I guess I don't have anything else to add. He's happy to put you at risk. You're happy to go along with it. Neither of you truly love the other and you're just dragging your dc along for the ride, I guess. Just.. sad.

I hope you both find true happiness.

you didnt say how you found out,do tell

Why would you be jealous of another woman getting sex and attention from a cheating, lying scumbag?

She doesn't need your pity, she's happy with the status quo.

It sounds like you've had no evidence of it since initially finding out?
How do you know your assumptions about a spare phone and hobby nights are right, it could have ended soon after you found out.

But you're missing out on the chance to meet someone who genuinely loves you and isn't in love with someone else whilst you remain together. I mean if you're happy that way of course that's cool, but he's having his cake and eating it whilst you are picking up the crumbs.

Why don't you go and get yourself a man on the side, OP? What's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that.

Sorry, just seen you've already answered that!