Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

As a psychiatrist I have to say that this situation far too often negatively impacts the children and stays with them in adulthood. Surely I don’t have to explain why? Even if YOU are happy I would urge you to think about how this could affect your children. We learn what is right and wrong through our upbringing.

100%

No actually, I think people with actual common sense who have morals know how disgusting it is to have an affair full stop.

Very true.

I'm glad other people have mentioned STIs. I couldn't be OK with it for that reason alone, never mind the lying!

What about STDs? I’d be freaking out.
how did you find out?
I couldn’t do it. Accepting being lied to and cheated on? Nope

You are both living a lie.

If it suits you ok.

It would never ever suit us.

I'm very vain so no, not for me.

Maybe you aren't so vain as me and therefore you can handle the situation.

Whatever. No judgement here.

They are, @Successgirl2022 , but why should the OP do anything about it if she doesn’t want to? He’s the one who’s lying and cheating, not her. Why “should” she take action if she doesn’t want to?

(I would go ballistic at my DH, but I love him and don’t want to share him).

My DH has definitely had a couple of affairs over the years.i 've been most worried about it jeopardising his career in the work environment.
I loved him so much, sacrificed so much for his children, his crazy claims there was no phone signal in central London, no shops open for even a token Xmas present allowed me to detach.
I concentrated on the kids and putting my needs a bit further forward.
Something had to give, you can't have it all - kids, two complicated careers, a perfect marriage, a really interesting but hard work house.
So H has had the excitement of the chase, I feel no guilt about not up holding every vow and most of the time we're pretty happy. We laugh more than most couples but I'm certainly liberated from the crushing consuming nature of the love for H that I feel for my kids or in the early years of marriage. I can't sustain that, haven't got the menopausal energy.

Having just heard several confessions from friends there are an awful lot of unhappy monogamous relationships.

I must say you make it sound quite tempting. I feel so bad not having a sex drive, maybe that would make us both happier.

If you're happy to live this way, that's your choice.

If my husband were doing this I would think less of him as a person because of his dishonesty and disrespect to me and my children.

I find it sad that both of you are pretending there's no affair, even when you know.
It would eat away at me, wondering how he was managing to meet up with her and the secretive planning.

I suppose my thought is he might finish with her and go onto someone else and that's when it could all fall apart if she was younger and wanted a family.

In other words, doesn't seem the most stable way to live.

Sounds like a soppy romance novel.

Does he have a low sex drive or something? Most men in the throes of affair would try to be "at it" as often as possible particularly if seemingly getting away with it. But he is apparently happy to shag her a couple of evenings a month... Yeah, right!

Is he faulty in some major way? She doesn't want him for keeps and he holds onto the marriage so he doesn't end not getting any at all.

Is he a Sugar daddy or something? Does he pay? I just can't see the other woman keeping the sporadic appointments up for two years otherwise?!

Open relationships I get. Affairs happen. But this just sounds made up.

You are getting what you want out of the relationship. It suits you so that’s ok.

Personally I couldn't live a lie like this. It's not a trusting, honest, authentic relationship when there is such a big lie and betrayal coming between you. And I do think it's about self-respect and integrity. You're being cheated on and lied to yet you happily continue to cuddle him and have sex when he has treated you so badly. Would you want that for your DC?

I would also be worrying about STDs. He may well have been cheating on you for years with lots of different women. Sounds like he's good at hiding it.

I could sort of understand it if you weren't having sex, but have some self respect woman!! He could pick up any vd and give it to you? What if she gets pregnant?

if its convenience you like id say that was fine- but how you know he doesnt spend money pr time on her that isnt with you or your kids i dont understand

he must be missing time with you or how else would he see her

also what if he gives you an sti

I guess it just depends how you define marriage and partnership. What you have is lacking in what most people would consider the fundamentals of a marriage or partnership - even in a non-monogamous setup: trust, honesty, integrity, respect (for each other and for the relationship), openness. What you have is financial stability, companionship, convenience, a live-in co-parent. It’s unclear where love features in the setup; you seem fairly blasé about the whole thing but some would say that appears to be a self preservation technique (ditto the “how Mumsnet views affairs” comment, which is an attempt to normalise it). If you’re willing to accept what he’s offering then that’s your prerogative. It wouldn’t be enough for most people.

It’s quite telling that he is happy to risk your marriage by having a long-standing affair but that you aren’t willing to tell him that you are aware of the affair because you feel it would jeopardise your relationship (whether directly, because he might leave you, or indirectly because he wouldn’t be content enough in your marriage without an affair partner on the side and his unhappiness would affect the status quo which in turn would end the marriage). It’s clear that there’s an imbalance in how you both value the marriage and the risks you’re prepared to take.

It seems like it’s important to you that people don’t think you are weak for staying. I wonder if you started the thread because you can’t speak about this in real life but have a need to create a narrative where you are a strong woman in control of the situation.

This thread is obsessed with bloody STIs

Honestly they aren't that common when yiur husband is sleeping with only one other woman who presumably isn't snagging half the city herself.

If he was frequenting the local gay sauna then fair enough...

But a bit of perspective amongst the pearl clutching is perhaps more realistic given the circumstances.

I hardly think that Paris is more clap ridden than Milton Keynes if that helps you lot gain some perspective here 🤣

I can’t see this is liveable with long term. He’s spending time and money with her. How does that work he’s probably not working to spend time with her affecting family income and spending family money on her and hotels. He’s lying how can you trust him at all. Eg he says he’s at work conference is he really at one or with her. It will be awkward as people will inevitably know does he take her to to some events and you to Xmas party so everyone is pitying you. If he buys you something for Christmas do you wonder if he bought two.
Children aren’t daft they will know. Potentially putting them in awkward position if they know and think you don’t.
Risks of STI eg she might have similar arrangements with several men or be an escort he has an arrangement with.

I’m a very monogamous person so this wouldn’t be for me but I don’t find it odd at all. Why make it a big drama if it doesn’t need to be! Could you discuss polyamory with your chap to get it all out in the open or is that too weird?

I agree with PP who say you mustn't actually love him that much to be not bothered by this. It's not that a wife is "defined" by her husband's fidelity (or lack thereof); it's the dishonesty and disrespect. I couldn't turn a blind eye. I believe it would turn my love to hatred, tbh.

If he's not out the house more, and he's not secretive with his phone, have you considered that you're wrong? Or that it's over?

Agree with @Spudlet and @foliageeverywhere

It’s not the open marriage that’s the issue, it’s the fact that he’s imposed it on you unilaterally without knowledge, discussion and consent. He is living a lie every day. What kind of person has the effrontery to lie on that scale? I would personally not be able to trust someone like that
on anything. And if he’s lying to you, he is almost certainly lying to the OW too. And what else
might he be lying about?

For me the only way forward would be to
have it out with him. Be honest, tell him
what you’ve told us, give him the chance to have an open marriage if he wants one.

Pretty normal in lots of cultures. We lived in a country where having a wife and a side chick was pretty normal. Have often thought I could maybe live with it as ultimately I am pretty lazy and couldn't be bothered with the hassle of splitting up but I am not sure. Guess every marriage, and affair and situation is unique.... although of course there are cliches running through them all!

Historically in the UK too, pretty culturally accepted. Divorce is rarely a good idea financially so it boils down to what you can accept personally.