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Original poster

Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

533 replies

SamillaW · 01/10/2022 21:38

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

  1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
    hobbies and our home runs very nicely

  2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

  3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 11:00

Shoes232 · 02/10/2022 10:08

Wow. What a shame you have to pretend your happy, even on here. It's a shame you have no self worth and respect for yourself and your children.

Who are you to tell the OP whether she's happy or not. I'm sure there are many, many "faithful" marriages out there where those within it pretend they're happy because the alternative is scary.

Overthinker2022 · 02/10/2022 11:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 11:01

quietnightmare · 02/10/2022 09:19

@Tuilpmouse

I was thinking more along the lines of this becoming a modern thing where it's NORMAL to have an affair and talk about it . Before it was either not talked about or hidden

I think it was talked about quite widely, accepted as the norm even in some circles.

Doggiedoodoos · 02/10/2022 11:06

I actually would feel sick to the core to think of my partner with someone else. It is the height of disrespect for the other person and for the unity of the relationship. I am sure it works well for you but I will have him under the patio before I would sit back and ignore an affair. I just could not share. Each to their own.

BlancmanegeBunny · 02/10/2022 11:07

If it works for you and you are willing to live like this then that is your choice.

I couldn't do it. My marriage ended when he had an affair, I wouldn't share a bed with a husband who wasn't faithful to me.

Overthinker2022 · 02/10/2022 11:08

I meant to say sticking his "thing" up someone else.

J0y · 02/10/2022 11:09

Coffeepot72 · 02/10/2022 08:47

Affairs are a funny one on MN. People instantly say LTB, when it is a lot more complicated than that. For lots of people, LTB means swapping one shit show for another.

Yes

Yes, it's true, but I think you can do some planning, saving, restructuring of your job and some mindset re-calibration from the comfort of shitshow 1.
The crux of most advice is along those lines.

Lu901 · 02/10/2022 11:12

When you said you haven't told him you know because he would leave her. Why would he if you are so happy with the arrangement? Why not tell him that?

Don't get that part.
Feels like you want reassurance that this is a great thing.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 02/10/2022 11:17

I can see why you don't leave, as you're clearly not in love with him any longer.

But......you won't be spending your retirement with this man, and you are on very insecure, shaky ground.

He is not devoted to you, and he isn't fully invested in your family or your future. He is lying to you on a daily basis, so he is capable of leaving you high and dry at a moments notice. You have no idea what plans are in his head.

This will blow up in your face eventually. I have known a women who have been "other women". Without exception, feelings were involved from the female side, and the expectation was there, that the man would leave his wife, with the OW becoming increasingly pushy the longer that time went on.

How much longer before she turns up on your doorstep, because she feels like she's waited long enough?

You are living on quick sand, with him having all the knowledge (of his ultimate intentions) and thus all of the power.

You don't say how old you are? It's easier to meet someone else, the younger you are (if that's what you want?)

My ultimate advice would be to make sure that your own finances are rock solid and designed for a future away from him, for the inevitable day when he bails on you.

I actually left my ExH for cheating. We'd been together for 20 years, and had 2 young children. It took me 4 years to leave, and I can see now, looking back, how absolutely damaging that time was for me.

You think you're okay with all of this, but I suspect it is probably damaging you more than you realise, as you're still in the thick of it.

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 11:21

@Pegasus05

He is now a very lonely broken man. I see him from time to time, but none of his DC (on either side) have any respect for him. I have to say that they are all well-balanced adults now but I still feel that he messed up too many lives.

Sorry to hear about the tough time it sounds like you all had, genuinely.

But it wasn't all on him, he was massively enabled by you both going along with his half in half our attitude to you, her and the kids involved.

iekanda · 02/10/2022 11:21

Given the situation, you will never ever be able to be sure that your "D"H is not cheating on you ever again. Even if this affair ends.

And your sexual health is at risk. What if he gets HPV, gives it to you and it causes cervical cancer?

Allergictoironing · 02/10/2022 11:22

I'd say OW is definitely married/partnered herself if it's being going on for years and there's no push to for him to leave. A single OW probably wouldn't be happy with this arrangement.

I am currently single by choice. When I DID have relationships, I was very happy to stay living on my own and for them to visit me at times that were convenient for both of us. The last thing I would have wanted, or want now, is to share my home and my entire life with somebody else.

A couple of these have been men I have loved deeply, some have been more FWB, but none I have wanted to marry and live with full time. So it's a bit unrealistic to suggest that any OW must either be married/partnered or be unhappy with an arrangement like the OPs.

JamSandle · 02/10/2022 11:24

Nothing in life, including affairs, are totally black and white. How you feel about them is absolutely fine. Just make sure that should he leave, you're protected financially. Also, if you change your mind about how you feel about the affair, that's fine too.

vanHalen · 02/10/2022 11:28

Op, a genuine question: if you're totally cool about your husband's affair, why would you then come on here looking for validation (knowing others who live in that scenario).

I consider myself as very jaded and in a long, LTR, so the broken heart, the jealousy and hurt ego wouldn't affect me so much...

But I couldn't live like that:

  • what if the kids find out? And I think they will at least sense this one day
  • what about STIs?
  • what about the knowledge as much as you've arranged yourself with the situation, but what about your niggling underlying humiliated feeling?
  • what if your husband's lover suddenly brings an ultimatum and your arrangement collapses
  • too many rogue factors that could destabilise the situation

Wouldn't you be better off without him? F*ck his business.....this is on him!

Autumflower · 02/10/2022 11:30

Your running a huge risk ,
you may well be quite happy how things are
but she may want more ,she may be pressuring him to leave u ,he may be planning to leave u .
your being very stupid ignoring this
I’d have my dh bollocks off if he did this ,

Flubber88 · 02/10/2022 11:38

Does he know you know? And have you considered having an affair yourself? Just curious. No judgement from me - if it works for you.

Bluejay101 · 02/10/2022 11:40

Allergictoironing · 02/10/2022 11:22

I'd say OW is definitely married/partnered herself if it's being going on for years and there's no push to for him to leave. A single OW probably wouldn't be happy with this arrangement.

I am currently single by choice. When I DID have relationships, I was very happy to stay living on my own and for them to visit me at times that were convenient for both of us. The last thing I would have wanted, or want now, is to share my home and my entire life with somebody else.

A couple of these have been men I have loved deeply, some have been more FWB, but none I have wanted to marry and live with full time. So it's a bit unrealistic to suggest that any OW must either be married/partnered or be unhappy with an arrangement like the OPs.

Same here, I was not married or partnered, the arrangement of having an AP who did not have the option of becoming part of my outside life worked very well until I my children were independent when it was time to move on. We are completely NC but I expect he will start another affair at dame point.

ChangedNameAgain99 · 02/10/2022 11:40

Can I ask how you’re keeping safe? Do you use condoms? You don’t know she’s not sleeping with other people then those people sleep with people.

keep yourself safe OP. In a way I wish you valued yourself more.

WandaWomblesaurus · 02/10/2022 11:42

How do you know it's just the one woman?
I've known women whose husbands were having affairs but who were also involved in other hookups.

J0y · 02/10/2022 11:42

@Allergictoironing I agree, I'm single, by choice, I think, or, I haven't met the right man yet! When I did date, a couple of times they wanted to move in when the relationship was quite fledgling in my view. My house is a 3 bed semi. Living with somebody not my goal, not in an above all else kind of way. Happily single now.

SacredDeer · 02/10/2022 11:45

OP you never actually said how you found out about his affair?

inheritanceshiteagain · 02/10/2022 11:47

Sounds a reasonable set up if you are both happy with it. I suspect he is waiting until the DC leave home, but as you are already financially secure I can't see an issue. Your love for each other is more a friendship and sex isn't an issue. I could do it in those circumstances.

Not everyone is desperate for love and romance and excitement. A fact many on MN can't comprehend

SisterConcepta · 02/10/2022 11:48

A friend of mine who works in law once told me that OPs situation is very common in very wealthy circles.

SacredDeer · 02/10/2022 11:48

Could your children as easily discover this?

Still can't get my head around you wanting him near you sexually (I know everyone is different) but it gives me the ick! Please get tested, more for peace of mind. The last thing you want is to contract some STD.

Sunnytwobridges · 02/10/2022 11:51

ShandaLear · 02/10/2022 07:36

I think I’d have been quite happy with this arrangement with my ex husband, and indeed it might have been an option, for a while anyway. No way would I want it with my current partner. I am very deeply in love with him and it would break me if I found out he was shagging someone else.

This. I was thinking I would’ve been fine with this with my ex. I wasn’t in love with him so I wouldn’t have cared if he had someone on the side. However I could never do this with someone I was in love with.