Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

In my opinion, the bottom line is that you don’t love your husband, you’re comfortable in the marriage and f the financial status is more important than the loyalty. I personally couldn’t do it but if it works for you then fair play

I think they're both using each other to keep themselves in the manner to which they've become accustomed.

I could have a financial marriage of convenience, for the paperwork. But no way could I be having sex with them, that's gross to me. I can't offer my intimate feelings and physical health to someone that is lying to me. If he doesn't know you know then that's how little he thinks of you. He's able to lie to your face, believing that he is able to use your body without your informed consent. He has sex with you even though he believes you wouldn't want to if you knew about the affair. I don't understand how that's not repulsive. I couldn't have that.

I think it's awful for the children. Children are at the mercy of their parents, and this is what their parents are choosing for them. A fake, superficial childhood, based on lies, for materialistic reasons. All the good memories they have are because of lies by both parents. That will be so damaging if they every find out.

It's ok to live a lie, lots of people do.

Interesting thread, I was the OW for five years with an AP who was very much a family man in his ‘other life’. I am still not sure if his DW knew and didn’t say anything because they have a lovely lifestyle she could not afford on her own. The relationship suited me at the time (teens who I didn’t want to have a step dad). He always told me his home life was pretty unbearable and he’d often thought about leaving. He said he really couldn’t stand her any more but I made it much easier for him to pretend and cope at home. Your posts make it sound like you are fully in control of the situation and how this will all turn out, you feel very superior to the OW in the way you refer to her. Unfortunately this has the potential to unravel in ways that are entirely beyond your control so the sensible thing is to be prepared for that.

Wow. What a shame you have to pretend your happy, even on here. It's a shame you have no self worth and respect for yourself and your children.

It sounds like its working for you. Monogamy doesn't work for everyone.
My DH has never cheated on me. I'm confident of that. But that doesn't mean we've a good marriage.

I don't think any of this is true.

We had a work colleague who was married with three children. He was having an affair for a number of years with some OW. We all knew, it was uncomfortable. We used to ask this man why he treated her this way, he didn't want to break up his family, his wife had no idea and he seemed the doting dad to people who had no idea. His kids were between the ages of 9 and 15.

He was living this double life and would bring his wife to work functions and act like they were the living couple (he knew that we all knew) so we felt so sorry for his wife, we tried to get him to end it with OW as we lost all respect for this man, eventually his oldest found out about the affair at school. It seemed that everyone knew, the kid was teased and ended up really messed up (I know this as my sister was a teacher in this school) the fall out from it all was horrendous. Everyone felt sorry for his wife, pitied her as seemed her and the kids were oblivious but it unravelled that his wife had known for a long time but turned a blind eye for hers and the kids sake. Didn't work out the way she thought, the kids resented their mum as she allowed it to happen.

You don't have a marriage.

I don't know whether he has 'The' power, but he is certainly in a very powerful position.
The OP wants him enough to tolerate him not just sleeping with someone else (that works for her, so fine) but his disrespect, lies, and the knowledge that despite all she brings to the situation, he values her so little he risks her leaving him by having an affair. To the OP, he holds the financial and lifestyle benefits she doesn't want to lose in his hands, and that's a very powerful hold he has over her.
Knowing about the affair gives an illusion of power and control, but it doesn't alter the fact that one person is 'breaking the rules' doing as they please, while the other one feels compelled to tolerate it.

This.

Op you may have convinced yourself that this is ok, but it isn't. Why choose to live with a known liar? it is baffling. Try and work on your self esteem, you must deserve better. What kind of conversations do you have 'oh did you have a nice time fucking the OW?'. Such a sad way to live.

If it works for you then fine. Just make sure you are protected financially etc. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to love more than one person.

But it's not just about sex, is it? You think he's in love with her.
He'd hardly love her if their relationship is solely fucking.

I could never play pretend happy families with a man who has so little respect for me.

I wouldn’t stay.
For you, marriage seems to be about a stress free, contented, well run life with financial stability. And I guess you have that, so I get you staying on.
For me, marriage is an exciting blend of ups, downs, adventures, hard days, arguments, passion, all tied together with a unwavering and intimate bond that excludes all others.
Your life seems more peaceful than mine..but I couldn’t do it.

I’m not in competition with her
But you are. And despite your insistence that you can't lose, you're wrong.

I do get that life isn't black and white. If its working to your advantage that's great.

I couldn't have sex with him though. And not unprotected.

That's what somebody said to me when I said that I'd heard the recording of Diana and Gilby before it got into the newspapers. Some people can't take reality and just believe the version they're told to. The sheeple.

How did you find out?

I have name changed for this as it could be outing.

I oddly became the OW in a situation like this. My DP had split with his Ex when I met him. We got together and moved in together. He had children with ex so they came to us at weekends and in the holidays etc and we all new each other. I then got pregnant and gave birth to my first DC and for a while our sex life was understandably suffering.

DP was a great dad and so spent time after school helping the DSC with homework and taking them to clubs etc. He did a lot of sport himself so was out a lot and travelled for work so could easily be away from home overnight. He started spending more time with the ex and for a couple of years we were in some sort of three-way relationship that we all knew about. It was weird to everyone who knew us but I was struggling to cope with a baby so was grateful for whatever time he spent with us. I think we both knew that he was also sleeping with the other but didn't act on the information.

My DP only stopped sleeping with the ex when she found someone else. He was devastated. I tried to be sympathetic but our relationship never really recovered, despite having another child and lots of happy times together. I finally left him a few years later after things broke down completely when he turned to alcohol. He is now a very lonely broken man. I see him from time to time, but none of his DC (on either side) have any respect for him. I have to say that they are all well-balanced adults now but I still feel that he messed up too many lives.

I have no reason to suspect DP so I can't say how I'd feel if it actually happened, but I've long suspected I'd feel more like the OP, for many of the same reasons, rather than the "typical" mn LTB response.

I like our life and it would take a lot for me to be prepared to disrupt it. Him having a bit of extracurricular in itself wouldn't be enough for me (though not for a minute judging anyone else response). My parents were the same, maybe I'm just built that way

Absolutely this.
You have no idea what the OW wants and/or of the extent of her power in the dynamic.
You are assuming that he hasn't left you because he wants to stay and see her on the side. It's equally possible that she doesn't want him full time, and that she could change her mind.
Or that at present he wants to stay but that she is working very hard to change his mind and one day may suceed.
Like it or not, your husband has two relationships to choose from. Two women who want him. Unless he's going to run the two of you together forever, eventually one of you will 'win' the competition for which he is the dubious prize.

It doesn't make sense to me for these reasons:

1, She doesn't seem to care what's in it for the other woman, as there must be something. Maybe it's money or thinking he loves her, or will leave his wife for her?

2, If this woman is taking off the pressure so the wife doesn't have to sleep with him, men will probably sleep with anybody with it on offer, so women don't need to find that in a partner who can only do it after sneaking off from the wife. She could just log onto a website to find a probably younger and more virile man available when she wants.

3, She says it's better for financial reasons, but if her husband and the other woman aren't doing it for love, then he must be spending money on her. Does she not care their finances are going on another woman?

4, Does she not care what he must be saying about her to the other woman? Maybe he tells the other woman that he no longer finds you attractive or you have nothing in common.

5, Does she not care he might be also lying to another woman, or is she hoping he's just using her so she gets hurt?

OP who are you trying to convince here? Us, or you?

If you really were fine with the set up you wouldn’t bat an eyelids. And you certainly wouldn’t post a thread on Mumsnet looking for validation.

I’m sorry but …. LTB. He has no respect for you.