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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

533 replies

SamillaW · 01/10/2022 21:38

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

  1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
    hobbies and our home runs very nicely

  2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

  3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

OP posts:
Applesonthelawn · 02/10/2022 09:07

If it works for you, and you seem to have no self-delusion whatsoever, then it's fine. Not sure if it's sustainable but no-one can ever say their (faithful) marriage is sustainable either, everything evolves over time. I admire your self-awareness and lack of drama about it.
Obviously he feels "entitled" though so may one day meet a different other woman who wants more from him than this one. But maybe you will too, or maybe you'll find your way back to each other? The future is unwritten, so if the present works, stick with it.

Herewegoagain84 · 02/10/2022 09:08

I think it is a question of self respect if he doesn’t know you know - because he is being deceitful / treating you badly and thinks you’re none the wiser - you are allowing him to do those things. If you were to raise it with him but tell him you were ok about it, how would it change the dynamic? Would he still carry on as things are, or is part of the fun of the affair the deception? I wouldn’t want anyone to think of me as a fool.

Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 09:09

Notwithstanding what I've posted earlier, I think the deceit is a time bomb though, and I'd struggle to live with that. It can't be healthy, but then life is always about making compromises at some level. Trying to be too idealistic, you risk making matters worse.

alotoftutus · 02/10/2022 09:10

It absolutely wouldn't be for me, even the thought makes me want to be physically sick.

Saying that to be honest I think the lies of an affair would hurt me more than the physical act - I think - actually I don't know lol.
I couldn't let something think they were having one over me and lying and cheating whilst I had no idea what was going on.

I also think you shouldn't be so secure in thinking he won't leave you because it's been 2 years and he hasn't YET!!!
My best friend was having an affair with a married man for 6 years!! In that time the wife found out and whilst she didn't ignore it she knew it was happening and was desperate for it to stop but financially didn't want to leave her husband. The man was obviously telling my friend the marriage was over they weren't having sex etc etc - the wife then became pregnant (which was of course an absolute one off).

My friend also became pregnant during that time and was pretty much forced to have a termination. It crushed her.

After 6 years of him telling my friend he would leave etc, my friend - who was completely in love with this man, couldn't take sharing him with his wife and moved to the other side of the world to get away from him (she had tried to end the affair many times but always went back.
It was at that moment the man had to make a choice - his wife and children or my friend. He chose my friend, and after a 6 year affair he left his wife.

My point is - Perhaps right now the other woman is also content with the arrangement. However what happens when she's not? When she decides she's worth more than whatever it is she's getting from your husband. I wouldn't be so sure he will choose you over her.

If you are genuinely happy with your husband sleeping with others then tell him. Reassure him he doesn't need to leave her or any of his other girlfriends, and he can continue to get his happiness from somewhere else as long as he cuddles you on the sofa! Have an open relationship. If that works then it's fine.
Right now your husband doesn't care about what works for you, he's going to sleep with someone else regardless because he wants to. At least if it's open then there's no lie. He can remain happy sleeping with you and her and maybe others you are yet to find out about. You can carry on as you are or also find happiness elsewhere.

Totalityloss · 02/10/2022 09:11

Coffeepot72 · 02/10/2022 08:47

Affairs are a funny one on MN. People instantly say LTB, when it is a lot more complicated than that. For lots of people, LTB means swapping one shit show for another.

Yes

Well yes, this is true. Especially where the woman is leaving for lifelong poverty/ low income and potentially losing her kids to the wealthier H, either now or down the line.

happygertie · 02/10/2022 09:14

Op, what do you think he is missing from your relationship, that he is seeking through this affair?

Do you catch him out telling lies? I.e I'm working late.

When does he spend time with her if you haven't noticed him spending extra time away from the home?

MyneighbourisTotoro · 02/10/2022 09:16

I find it quite odd, I understand how complicated life is but I wouldn’t even be able to look at my DH if he was having an affair let alone act as if everything is fine and dandy, he would repulse me so I’d rather be poor and go through a rough spot than play pretend.

BeardyButton · 02/10/2022 09:17

I totally get this OP. I’m not sure how I’d handle it…. I’m guessing not like this. My personal is v intense. I’m a one man sort.

To be honest… and I’ll get flamed for saying this! But I think it’s a bit like having more than one child?! Loving two people doesn’t mean you love the one any less. Same w kids - you don’t love one kid less because you have two.

but…. I only have one kid. Partly because I can’t bear the idea of sharing the love. So while I get it, it wouldn’t be my choice.

and I’m delighted for you that you can handle it like this! Sounds bloody ideal.

PeachTea1 · 02/10/2022 09:17

Power to you @SamillaW - if it works for you then it works!

dottiedodah · 02/10/2022 09:18

I can see where you are coming from.However you are fooling yourself if you think it doesnt impact your RL at all.I would not be able to cope knowing there is another woman he is being intimate with,its not just sex but little "in jokes" closeness etc.He really is having his Chocolate Gateau and eating it with a nice sprinkling of eclairs to boot!

quietnightmare · 02/10/2022 09:19

@Tuilpmouse

I was thinking more along the lines of this becoming a modern thing where it's NORMAL to have an affair and talk about it . Before it was either not talked about or hidden

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 09:20

Hasn't the OP said she's not averse to the idea and that it is an available option? She just doesn't particularly feel the need currently.

There is no way her DH would allow her to have another man on the side.

If he did he would be open and honest.
Not sneak around her back and constantly lie to her.

Worthyornot · 02/10/2022 09:22

I don't understand a woman who says she is financially and emotional secure, would tolerate this. If you have everything then why are you accepting so little. You don't have the respect part op. You don't have respect for yourself. How do you look at yourself, or take a moment on a family day out and look at you all and not think what a big lie. How does that sit right with you. I'm genuinely interested. It sounds extremely sad, I think you're making out that you are fine as confronting it would be too devastating for you.

HappyPeach · 02/10/2022 09:24

Where's your self-esteem in all this mess? Do you value yourself so little?

Dyra · 02/10/2022 09:25

You know... I get it.

Once upon a time I would have been in the chorus of LTB, I couldn't live a lie etc. etc. etc. and I've even told DH words to that effect in years past. Now I'm older and have two young kids, I realise I would be so far up shit creek without a paddle it's not even funny. Our earnings are hugely disparate. As a result, our kids' quality of life would plummet if they lived with me. Not being the primary parent would destroy me. Either way, I'd be far unhappier than I would be than of bit of jealousy if I knew about an affair. All because of a he'd be getting some even though my sex drive is close to zero? It could still all come crashing down, but I would never be the one instigating it. Even if the kids had grown and didn't need looking after any more. The status quo is fine by me. If DH is happy, and I'm content, second place is better than an outright loss.

RubyRedBoots · 02/10/2022 09:27

Not a good idea at all!

Liz1tummypain · 02/10/2022 09:30

If you can carry on and you think it's best for the children then I wouldn't cast any criticism. I've seen so many children who've been completely messed up when their parents split up. But what are you telling yourself? That you don't deserve to be happy? Or are you putting your life on hold in the hope he will come back to you because you'll forgive him in the end? Either way it's up to you and you need to know precisely what your reasoning is.

plinkypots · 02/10/2022 09:33

Why not just bring up having an open relationship? If you're fundamentally ok with it then why not redefine your relationship boundaries and give you both the freedoms and permission to seek others? As we've hit middle age the number of couples that have opened up their marriage is fairly mind blowing. So far it's worked fairly well for all of them. It takes out the lies and deceit.

CatOnAHotTinRoof · 02/10/2022 09:36

"This evening we’ve cuddled on the sofa with a bottle of wine and the fire on and watched a favourite movie. We’ve laughed and made plans for tomorrow. Him “loving” another woman hasn’t affected my life.

don’t get me wrong here, if he was being awful and picking faults and sneaking off with his phone all the time it would be a different story."

In one sense I think, well if you're OK with it, who are we to judge. And I tried to put myself in your shoes and understand how this works well. But I have to say this post of yours stopped me in my tracks and made me think differently.

If there was no real affection left and it was all just a case of life and financial practicalities then I can understand. But I just could not continue to be loving, affectionate and intimate with someone I knew was being so deceitful. I could not curl up on the sofa and enjoy the closeness of someone who had a secret this big and was revelling in thinking I had no idea. Knowing he's so comfortable with his deceit makes it quite repulsive.

Obviously, you do you. And if this suits you, then good for you. But I couldn't carry on as normal.

Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 09:37

@Noteverybodylives

There is no way her DH would allow her to have another man on the side. If he did he would be open and honest. Not sneak around her back and constantly lie to her.

I don't follow your logic at all...

But anyway, the OP wouldn't tell her DH if she did would she, so "being allowed" is irrelevant!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/10/2022 09:37

LilyPAnderson · 02/10/2022 04:46

Yes that's true, even the Queen and Philip did it. You only need to look at pictures of Lord Porchester compared to Prince Andrew and Baron Plunket compared to Prince Edward to see who their fathers are, but unless you're a Hyacinth Bucket type who thinks everything royalty does it great, doesn't make all the fake image and lies alright.

Do you know that for a fact? Andrew doesn't look like Porchester and if you look at some pictures of the queen when younger she's exactly like Edward, who William resembles. An interesting topic for the Royal Family board. I dare you.

mam0918 · 02/10/2022 09:37

So its not really an 'affair' is it?

its a poly/open relationship you just have specifically said that out loud.

Just go the whole hog and welcome the sister wife home to have brunch with you, maybe she can take part of the house cleaning and childcare 'burden' off you too.

mam0918 · 02/10/2022 09:39
  • have not said it out loud
littlefirecar · 02/10/2022 09:39

I think in your situation I'd probably do the same tbh

Though I would also feel it was perfectly acceptable for me to have an affair too and probably want to do so in order to "even things up"

I would basically view myself to be in an unspoken open relationship and if everyone was happy with that I would see no problem with it haha

Givenuptotally · 02/10/2022 09:40

I suppose if he was going to leave for her he would have already

my husband walked at the 2 and a half year point of his affair. I had no idea. Or better said, no idea for the first two years and then a sense something was off for the last 6 months - I suspect that co-incided with his decision to leave and a gradual emotional, as well as physical withdrawal.

If it works for you, it works for you, It may not always work for him.