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Original poster

Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

533 replies

SamillaW · 01/10/2022 21:38

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

  1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
    hobbies and our home runs very nicely

  2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

  3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

OP posts:
Bananaramarama · 02/10/2022 08:27

@Teeboy - he really does try, he didn't just give a try a few times and give up on me and say he was sleeping with other women after few months; we are talking of over a decade of marriage.

Kind of the trouble is I'm not too bothered about orgasms (I can't miss what I never had) and sex and it feels like the reason for me to want to 'get there' is for his sake, which feels like the wrong reason and we're at kind of an impasse. We've had therapy (and I had it with previous partner), but never been able to find a reason for it or a solution but there it is. But I can still feel a bit sad for him - he wants to be able to give more to me, but I can't seem to accept that gift. If he can find someone to give it to (or seem to give it to) then I'm happy for that.

Choconut · 02/10/2022 08:27

I couldn't deal with the pretense, I couldn't pretend I didn't know. I wouldn't want him to think he was being clever or feeling powerful because he was so brilliant at juggling his secret lover whilst also keeping his wife perfectly happy with the family at home.

He's having his cake and eating it and I'd at least want a slice of that cake for myself. If it's fine for him to have someone on the side I'd want that option available to me too.

He's put you in a very awkward position IMO because it seems you can't do anything at all, not even tell him you know, because you don't want to risk rocking the boat in any way - that means he has all the power IMO. There's also the risk of STD's while you can't talk about anything because it's his secret.

I don't think you're in a good position her at all OP if you can't even tell him that you know and you're ok with it.

TulipsTwoLips · 02/10/2022 08:30

You sound like someone who doesn't like to change the status quo, so if it works for you, why not!

How will the children feel when they find out? I'm not sure I could be with someone who could potentially hurt my children so much.

5128gap · 02/10/2022 08:31

It sounds as though you've weighed it up and come to a decision that your life is better with him than without him. At the moment the financial and lifestyle benefits are clearly greater than your desire to be in a conventional committed relationship, and no one can say that decision is wrong for you.
The only pitfall I can see is its possible that over time you will start to build resentment. The benefits of the situation are heavily weighed in his favour, as you sound like you are offering a great deal to him. He needs you to protect his finances just as you do him, and your salary enables him to enjoy a lifestyle better than he would otherwise. All that and freedom to have a GF too! Which, I must be honest, grinds my gears a bit. No man deserves that on principle.
I think you're short changing yourself and the problems will start if you ever start to feel that way. But right now you're putting ragmatism first, and that's understandable.

Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 08:36

@Winceybincey

‘Fake expectations that society has about marriage’? How is it fake expectations? When you marry you literally swear to be faithful to your spouse in your vows and then you sign it. That’s the whole point of it, vowing to be with that person and only that person.

I think that's the point of the post you're responding to, ...that the expectations are "fake", or perhaps "unrealistic" might be a better word, for many.

RaRaRaspoutine · 02/10/2022 08:39

Good on you, OP. I don’t know if I would do it like that but then again who does until they’re in that position. I would say, though, be sure you are truly happy in yourself and not subconsciously thinking that he deserves better than you, etc. Don’t lie to yourself if you no longer feel content with the arrangement.

Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 08:39

@Choconut

He's having his cake and eating it and I'd at least want a slice of that cake for myself. If it's fine for him to have someone on the side I'd want that option available to me too.

Hasn't the OP said she's not averse to the idea and that it is an available option? She just doesn't particularly feel the need currently.

supersop60 · 02/10/2022 08:40

User0610134057 · 01/10/2022 21:57

Doesn’t it come into your mind when you’re having sex with him?

This, for me, would be a deal breaker. Is he thinking about her when you're having sex?

WantToKnowAnswers · 02/10/2022 08:41

Affairs are a funny one on MN. People instantly say LTB, when it is a lot more complicated than that. For lots of people, LTB means swapping one shit show for another.

I used to live in Asia and marriage for a lot of people there is a lot more of a practical arrangement than western people go into. Westerners put a lot more emphasis on love and/or lust, which a marriage counsellor told me lasts 18 months - 2 years.

My DH has had 2 wobbles in our marriage and wanted to leave, but didn't in the end. The first was pre marriage, which would have been OK as I was working in a good job, but the second was with young DC. That would have left me in a very vulnerable position. In the end he didn't, but it made me change a lot of things. That included my work, my pension, our house, our savings and investments. He may have another wobble in the future, as he has form for it, but next time I am ready for him. My DC will be older, and not need looking after, all my ducks are in order.

It seems like you are covering yourself, but in your shoes, I'd be doing more. You are happy with the status quo, but how are you going to feel if he one day turns around and says hey the DC are older now, I am leaving for OW. You will feel a right mug. I'd be making sure I was 110% sured up, and in a great position for any bombshell. I'd also be getting evidence of his long-term affair.

Finally, why should he have all the fun. Find yourself a bit on the side, guilt free. He has broken your marriage contract so you are free to so whatever you like.

BellePeppa · 02/10/2022 08:42

I can understand why you keep the status quo. If my ex had just had a girlfriend on the side (that I knew about but he didn’t know I knew) it would have been a darn sight better than splitting up and being a single mother and our children not seeing much of their dad over the years. If I could have chosen which scenario I would have chosen yours.

TheWelshposter · 02/10/2022 08:43

Choconut · 02/10/2022 08:27

I couldn't deal with the pretense, I couldn't pretend I didn't know. I wouldn't want him to think he was being clever or feeling powerful because he was so brilliant at juggling his secret lover whilst also keeping his wife perfectly happy with the family at home.

He's having his cake and eating it and I'd at least want a slice of that cake for myself. If it's fine for him to have someone on the side I'd want that option available to me too.

He's put you in a very awkward position IMO because it seems you can't do anything at all, not even tell him you know, because you don't want to risk rocking the boat in any way - that means he has all the power IMO. There's also the risk of STD's while you can't talk about anything because it's his secret.

I don't think you're in a good position her at all OP if you can't even tell him that you know and you're ok with it.

I totally agree with this. He's having his cake and eating it. I couldn't sit and cuddle and laugh with someone who was taking me for a fool. He's probably quite smug that he's getting the best of both worlds, a girlfriend plus the cosy home family life.

ladywithnomanors · 02/10/2022 08:46

No amount of money or comfortable lifestyle could make me tolerate this. Having sex with with my husband knowing he was sticking it in someone else would make me physically sick.

Coffeepot72 · 02/10/2022 08:47

Affairs are a funny one on MN. People instantly say LTB, when it is a lot more complicated than that. For lots of people, LTB means swapping one shit show for another.

Yes

Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 08:49

happy66 · 02/10/2022 08:21

Is a cultural thing. Is common in some cultures and in the rich years ago (maybe poor too), and was the norm/ excepted.

People will judge as not part of our culture these days if course.

Just look at the royal family for cases in point! There was a proper merry-go-round of lovers and shagging in the Charles-Camilla-Anne set back in the 70s and 80s, and in previous generations too! Wasn't Camilla's come on line to Charles meant to have been "your great-great-grandfather (Edward VII) got together with my great-great-grandmother when he was Prince of Wales (who was married at the time), let's carry on the family tradition!"... or words to that effect.

DillDanding · 02/10/2022 08:51

If it works for you, why not?

You have the upper hand in the relationship as far as I can see.

But the romantic in me thinks it’s sad. I know my husband loves me and only me. I can’t imagine happily sharing him.

Tadpoll · 02/10/2022 08:51

I imagine he's not actually happy with you but is biding his time til the kids are gone.

Not necessarily at all. I’ve known of many men who absolutely love their wives and would never leave but the excitement is gone so they find it elsewhere. It’s entirely possible to love your spouse but have a relationship with someone else.

Tadpoll · 02/10/2022 08:53

TheWelshposter · 02/10/2022 08:43

I totally agree with this. He's having his cake and eating it. I couldn't sit and cuddle and laugh with someone who was taking me for a fool. He's probably quite smug that he's getting the best of both worlds, a girlfriend plus the cosy home family life.

Show quote history

I actually think it’s the OP who’s taking him for a fool. She’s in charge here, because she’s the one with all the information.

Pengwinn · 02/10/2022 08:56

Tadpoll · 02/10/2022 08:53

I actually think it’s the OP who’s taking him for a fool. She’s in charge here, because she’s the one with all the information.

Show quote history

Er- no. She thinks she has the information but doesn't actually know if he's having an affair, so definitely doesn't know the extent of it or what the future likely holds for it. Whatever way its swung he has the power because he's (allegedly) fucking another woman and presumably spending time with her if it's been 2 years, and gers to come home and play happy families as well. The fact he doesn't know OP knows is neither here nor there, and not telling him is more for her benefit as if she does chances are he might decide he may as well leave after all or he will take the piss even more.

quietnightmare · 02/10/2022 08:57

You are a stronger person than me OP I would of had his balls for breakfast. If it's working and you are happy then go for it. Can't say I'm in the situation ( I don't think so anyway) not do I know anyone who is. Maybe this is the modern way now? Just wondering how did you find out?

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/10/2022 08:58

Long as you have plans in place for managing a separation, then why wouldn’t you leave everything as it is? It might not be the ideal but it sounds like a good plan B.

People are far too simplistic about affairs - sexual relationships are some of the most complex parts of our lives, but we apply more nuance to housework rotas.

I would think about whether you would like your own FWB, and if so focus on finding that.

Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 09:00

I totally agree with this. He's having his cake and eating it. I couldn't sit and cuddle and laugh with someone who was taking me for a fool. He's probably quite smug that he's getting the best of both worlds, a girlfriend plus the cosy home family life.

Interesting psychology here... If it works for the OP, why should it matter that her DH is getting what's perceived to be a great deal?.... especially as the OP is saying that she doesn't feel constrained about getting a lover if she wanted to.

There's a lot of "it's not fair" here, when that's clearly not how the OP feels. If anything she's relieved it takes the pressure from her sex life. If anything, it's fairer from a sex perspective as the OP and her DH are both getting a level of sex they appear to be happy with.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/10/2022 09:02

Pengwinn · 02/10/2022 08:56

Er- no. She thinks she has the information but doesn't actually know if he's having an affair, so definitely doesn't know the extent of it or what the future likely holds for it. Whatever way its swung he has the power because he's (allegedly) fucking another woman and presumably spending time with her if it's been 2 years, and gers to come home and play happy families as well. The fact he doesn't know OP knows is neither here nor there, and not telling him is more for her benefit as if she does chances are he might decide he may as well leave after all or he will take the piss even more.

Show quote history

@Pengwinn

This is bollocks. How does he have the power? The OP is choosing to stay in her situation because it works for her, and she is content.

Just because a situation wouldn’t work for you, doesn’t mean it can’t work for someone else.

People are different.

georgarina · 02/10/2022 09:04

Just because a situation wouldn’t work for you, doesn’t mean it can’t work for someone else.

People are different.

If the situation is so great why is it based on both of them lying to each other? That's not healthy no matter how you justify it.

Tuilpmouse · 02/10/2022 09:04

quietnightmare · 02/10/2022 08:57

You are a stronger person than me OP I would of had his balls for breakfast. If it's working and you are happy then go for it. Can't say I'm in the situation ( I don't think so anyway) not do I know anyone who is. Maybe this is the modern way now? Just wondering how did you find out?

I think it's more reverting back to the "old" way... it's more of a "modern" way to demand 100% monogamy and divorce if not. Divorce has only become relatively common over the last 30-40 years - you think people were all monogamous before that?

Totalityloss · 02/10/2022 09:06

hattie43 · 01/10/2022 22:05

What about the other woman , is she also married with kids , she has probably been told a pack of lies about how your marriage is dead in the water and he's only there for the kids . An awful lot of deceit everywhere and won't end well

Kinda this. He’s basically a man who uses women. He’s using her for more sex and you for back up sex and home life. I couldn’t respect him for seeing and viewing women like that.