Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Do you love him still or are you still with more for convenience?

So he's not secretive with his phone, doesn't stay out overnight or have odd unaccounted for trips besides the same level from before. So how can you be so certain he is having an affair @SamillaW?

Open marriages are a thing. They are not socially acceptable or popular but they are a thing. However, it is normally agreed and open between all parties involved.

I do understand why you are staying and accepting. Essentially you are like lots of women who stay in a marriage or relationship for the kids. The difference being the affair.

If you are ok with it then I can see why not rocking the boat is an attractive option. But I would have it out in the open between the 2 of you. Tell him you don't mind provided everything stays as it currently is if that is genuinely how you feel.

Eh

What’s being a teenager got to do with the price of eggs? Totally irrelevant

Did you settle for this prince of a man by any chance? If you loved him you'd not be able to bear him fucking someone else.

How often do you have STI checks? I hope it's very regularly.

Good for you!

Don't believe that married men never leave. Clearly some do.

Yep, my first husband left me for the OW. Although it soon fizzled out, once the ‘forbidden fruit’ aspect of their relationship no longer existed, it clearly wasn’t fun any more.

Before he knew that I knew, he did his best to be discrete. However once I had confronted him, it was all out in the open and from then on he just took the mickey, he would spend Fri-Mon at her home and generally rubbed my nose in it. Obviously I will never know,, but I often wondered how things would have panned out if I had turned a blind eye? Maybe I would have been spared the trauma of divorce, but then I would never have met my lovely second DH.

@randomusername666 because every teenager just sleeps with everyone? 🤔

Are you looking to see if your situation is common? I do not think it is. Many people are in love and would be broken to find out about affairs. Most people who are done with their husband or wife divorce and start a new life even if they break their family. I understand that sometimes is better to wait when children go to university to get a divorce but sex knowing of an affair 😬 How can you still have sex? I would not be able to do it anymore.

My friend growing up, her dad did this. It was well known by everyone. My mum was friends with my friends mum and the other woman tried making friends with my mum till my mum chased her down our path. My friend found out about her dad's affair, actually all the kids did . Her mum let it happen. Later on he would move out, move back in etc. My friend had serious mental health issues over it, wouldn't go to school. And her sister tried commenting suicide twice.
They all have issues now and unhealthy relationships with men. But if that's a chance you're willing to take with your kids then that's your business .

IMHO affairs are a form of abuse. They put the betrayed at risk mentally, emotionally, physically and as many have mentioned here sexually. I’ve known betrayed partners to suffer suicidal tendencies, trauma, a form of PTSD, there’s a book called ‘the body keeps the score’ and the effects of trauma are very very real. I’ve also known as I follow infidelity boards (and you only have to watch the media) awful life changing fallouts from affairs. I would not be ok with someone who is supposed to protect me and my family bringing that level of risk into my life whether I was ok ish with it or not because of my lifestyle priorities.

While it's not common, I also know of a few real life examples in my region where the wife's life was put at risk due to the man's affair..... Ow can become unstable. It's what becomes of being put in perpetual competition with another woman for a partner and feeling like your losing, or you'll win if she were only out of the way.

(I saw a documentary about polygny in an African country and a woman was saying that it was portrayed as cultural/traditional but actually was a recent imposition due to Islam etc and that the supposedly ok with it wives spent their free time buying potions and curses from witch doctors to make the man want them above the other woman/en or to try to incapacitate the other woman/en).

I could never do this, on an emotional level, it would be too much for me to handle. I wouldn’t be able to look at DH never mind have sex with him.

More and more I'm starting to think I'd feel the same as you (in that hypothetical scenario). However, I would be utterly destroyed if my DH had a baby with another woman.

To quote a favourite YouTuber of mine;

"I wouldn't share a pair of shoes, let alone a man".

Just to point out, she may be mid 40s but I know 2 women off the top of my head who fell pregnant at 45 (kids now nearly 30) and one of my sister's running buddies at 47.

woah! Fucking hell. He is the one having an affair, not OP so he should he the one feeling the guilt for fucking up the friend, not the mother. The mother who has stayed faithful!

Yeah your kids may inadvertently find out about her and realise their family is somewhat of a farce.

This is just weird.

You seem so sure of him and what he will do yet he's lying to you and clearly fine with that.

Were you shocked to find out about the affair?

Would you be shocked to find anything else out?

To those scoffing about STI's, it happened to both my mum and my aunt when their husbands had affairs with one other woman.

I don't think you're being 100% truthful about why you're not telling him you know. I think you might have some fear he'll just carry on and you will feel disrespected. How could you not?

This whole thing is based on lies and deceit - it's not some cool open arrangement, he's lying to you, and you think you're staying ahead of the game because you know (or at least you know something).

You seem very sure that it's all good and fine when you and your husband are basically living a lie and things could change at any moment.

Regardless. The previous pp is right. It could have long term implications on the children.

That’s a too simplistic way of looking at it.

Even if the kids are adults and know their dad was the one in the wrong, that fact that the mother was also aware of what was going on and carries on the charade is also causes an impact.

Emotions aren’t always logical and it does cause problems for all involved, if it comes out.

Is a cultural thing. Is common in some cultures and in the rich years ago (maybe poor too), and was the norm/ excepted.

People will judge as not part of our culture these days if course.

I never did it as a teenager.

I know many close friends who didn't do it as teenagers either because they had self-worth and proper family values not having one-night stands, changing bfs/gfs like gloves and having relations in a disposable way.

For most girls and women with values, it's self-destroying.

I'd say OW is definitely married/partnered herself if it's being going on for years and there's no push to for him to leave. A single OW probably wouldn't be happy with this arrangement. You should be making sure you are financially independent as possible it's possible he could decide to leave you at some point maybe when the kids are grown. To be honest I'd look for my own OM but I'm petty like that.

and soul destroying

I was friends with a Turkish girl in school whose father was revealed to have been seeing another woman for years. The mum knew but let it happen.

It completely devastated her and she ended up not finishing the year.

Are the 'other cultures' you're thinking of cultures that value women? Are women afforded this same right to have affairs?