Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Your reasons are valid and it appears to be working... If I were to ever find myself in your situation I would certainly consider it a possibility.

Good luck OP - if that is working for you.
I personally couldn't, the situation would feel unstable to me.
What if they fall in love and the OW wants him to herself?
What if she gets pregnant?
And yes to the STD conerns, I don't want a man who is double dipping.

Would you consider an open polyamorous relationship ie tell him you know and get your own bit on the side ( I believe in polyamory full consent from all involved parties is required though including bits on the side).

I have a friend who is polyamorous and is seems to work when everyone consents.

I couldn’t not say anything to him, and I don’t believe you don’t have moments when he’s not around that you don’t feel a pang of jealously about what he’s up to. And if you don’t maybe the marriage is over already

I get this. Relationships are different for everyone and there are lots of different ways to make it work.

I don't think it would work for me but if it works for you then so be it. Friends of my dad had a third person in their relationship. The H had a low sec drive, wife did not, so she had a boyfriend. They all knew about each other and had clear boundaries about what was what. Not the same thing as you but similar. The marriage was because her needs were met.

Marriage is more than sex and romance. For the most part it is practical and transactional. I can understand how you feel.

But I am pleased you're financially stable in your own right - just in case!

I have a friend who turns a blind eye to her husbands affairs to hold onto her lifestyle, even though I know it causes her huge anguish. I won’t judge.

But it would absolutely not be for me. IMHO affairs are a form of abuse. They put the betrayed at risk mentally, emotionally, physically and as many have mentioned here sexually. I’ve known betrayed partners to suffer suicidal tendencies, trauma, a form of PTSD, there’s a book called ‘the body keeps the score’ and the effects of trauma are very very real. I’ve also known as I follow infidelity boards (and you only have to watch the media) awful life changing fallouts from affairs. I would not be ok with someone who is supposed to protect me and my family bringing that level of risk into my life whether I was ok ish with it or not because of my lifestyle priorities.

TBH If this is your choice I’d remove some of the risks by telling him you know and discussing how you’ll manage it moving forward.

Not for me but it's your life. I certainly wouldn't be cuddling on the sofa with a man who I knew was having sex with another woman though. He comes across as a selfish entitled arse and I hope both you and the other woman both fuck him over.

I don't think you love him. And I think you are also having an affair.

This isn't just about you, your husband and his bit on the side though is it OP? And it's the children that's going to be effected.

This will really mess them up trust me I've seen this. Staying with someone who clearly has no morals is not acceptable when children are involved a sits they who suffer the worst.

If you know then other people will also know. How long until the children find out? How many years does this deceit carry on? I've seen numerous kids seriously messed up as they've found out or known about one of their parents affairs and stayed silent or found out years down the line, there's resentment, trust issues and in turn comes mental health problems. Lots of children grow into adults not knowing how to deal with this, resorting to counseling or end up in relationships not knowing their own self worth as they've had a skewed upbringing around relationships. What happens if this other woman ends up pregnant? Do you carry on quietly allowing him to get his end away and try to keep a lid on his affair? İt's so many levels of messed up all round. You have to put your children first in this. Reading the bit about you both snuggling up together knowing he's with someone else made me cringe. There's only so long a lie can be lived before it becomes public knowledge. Others WİLL know about this affair. He's having his cake and eating it.

I don’t think you are okay with it or you wouldn’t post it on this forum

We all make compromises in life. I daresay nobody has all their needs met perfectly. We accept a little less here to get more there, juggling our needs and values to get a mix we can live with. It's such an individual recipe - and usually the compromises one person makes would be unacceptable to others. I couldn't tolerate your compromise here, but I'm not you. If it works for you, then carry on.

If you left you'd have a far happier life, because being with a man who lies to your face daily is not a friend, ally, or loving partner, or someone who respects you, and that reality will eat away at your self worth forever. Honestly if this were an open relationship where you all knew about it and were happy then that's be fine! It's not the extra person that's a problem per se, it's the fact you're being treated like nothing that's the problem.

There's a much happier parallel alternative life out the OP, that you could be living.

But it's the lies.
He's lying to you.
He IS sneaking around behind your back.
He's happy pulling the wool over your eyes.
He hasn't been decent enough to give you any choice over this arrangement.
He's happy to let you think he's someone he isn't.

Just because you happen to know the truth it doesn't stop all the above being true.

How can you ''snuggle up'' with someone happy to do all that to you?
And you smile and shrug your shoulders and let him carry on thinking he's keeping his dirty little secrets?

You say he would stop the affair if he knew you knew. That's worse! It's because it wouldn't have the excitement factor of the sneaking anymore.

It would be a different kettle of fish entirely if he knew you knew.

Even if he’s being nice, he’s breaking his vows. He made you promises which he can’t keep. He’s showing you exactly who he is. Is money really worth it? All due respect, I’d rather be on benefits than live a fake life, because while you are “happy” at the moment, your life is a house of cards that could collapse at any minute. Don’t you feel disgusted by him? How can you have sex at all? She’s probably not the first; what about STIs? How would your kids feel as adults if they learn their whole family life was based on a lie?

Weren't you ever a teenager?

He's literally getting off on lying to you OP.

Marriage is whatever the participants want it to be yes, bla bla bla. They do it in France ect. Two people. Three people. Everyone in the street in the same bed every night ... Whatever! If everyone's happy then ok.

But this isn't that.
This is someone lying to someone else's face, and being perfectly happy thinking it's ok.
That is not a nice person. I just don't get why you'd still even like, let alone love, someone so manipulative, deceitful and selfish.

I think I’d have been quite happy with this arrangement with my ex husband, and indeed it might have been an option, for a while anyway. No way would I want it with my current partner. I am very deeply in love with him and it would break me if I found out he was shagging someone else.

I can understand the first points in your argument but not the sex. Living together for practicality and convenience is fine but still having intimacy in the relationship strikes me as odd. For that reason I think you're trying to convince yourself it's ok when deep down you know it's not.

Also he's lying to you and your children isn't he? Every single day. Every time he's not where he's told you he's going I couldn't be arsed with that tbh.

Don't believe that married men never leave. Clearly some do.

Start saving.

Get a job (if you don't already)

If this one isn't worth the financial aggro, the next one might be.

Did you say what age your DC are? He may have a plan to face the financial aggro when the children are at a certain stage.

This isn’t my situation but my cousin’s husband (we’ve always thought this) is bisexual personally I would just say he’s Gay. He’s in a very high powered job they have 4 kids. They function well together the kids are still young 7-14. So it works better they don’t spilt.

He has frequent trips but she goes away too. From what she’s said to me the family set up works while the kids are small. He’s a very very hands on dad even in his role and she works full time in an office.

I think they’ll stick it out til the kids are older. They don’t have sex now though. But she’s fine with that and getting on with her life.

Just being nosy but I'm wondering whether you've considered a conversation about potentially opening up the marriage, even if you don't want to tell him that you know about his girlfriend?

If his love for you hasn't changed and you don't feel anxious or jealous with him being with someone else, it feels like an open relationship might work quite well for you both....

When you say you have no interest in rocking the boat, I interpret that as you FEAR rocking the boat. If you really felt in control, you'd tell him it' fine. Carry on. But you're afraid he doesn't want the same fake arrangement you want. So that's fear.

No. I definitely could not live like you, OP. If
DH had an affair I would be hurt beyond words. The betrayal would cut me so deep, I just couldn’t stand to be around him. My anger at the betrayal would turn to hate!

It would cause both of us a huge deal of financial complications as everything is so inextricably linked. Id lose my beautiful home, my lovely lifestyle, our son would have to live between two homes. Still, I’m financially independent and would be fine after the dust settled. Emotionally it would take me years to get over as I adore DH and the shock that he didn’t love (also absolutely adore) me as he had always said he did would be an absolute killer to my mental health. I just know I could not stick with him, absolutely not.

If you don't feel disrespected and obviously are not worried about your future than why not? Sounds like your happy with your set up. It's not conventional but if it works for you than stay as you are.

Worked for Mr and Mrs Tribbiani - for the same reasons.