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Original poster

New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

719 replies

Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 19:21

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

OP posts:
MmeMeursault · 28/09/2022 21:40

So what's the daughter meant to be doing while he and the woman are "catching up"? Particularly if his son isn't interested.

Poor kids.

NewbietoSE3 · 28/09/2022 21:40

You've said the visit would be a dealbreaker, which is how you feel. So you need to be true to yourself and dump him. He's gone against what you said and crossed the boundary. That's all it really boils down to.

NotaCoolMum · 28/09/2022 21:40

ProudThrilledHappy · 28/09/2022 19:29

He’s not ready for you to meet his child yet - understandable - but he’s okay with random woman he has known for a short time to stay in his house for several days?
It’s not the friendship that would bother me, but the hiding it despite knowing it would upset you.

Absolutely this

BanannaSplitz · 28/09/2022 21:43

Bemyclementine · 28/09/2022 19:33

I think its really odd for the woman to bring her children to stay with a man she met on holiday, and for him yo want her to stay with him and his son..

This

Their boundaries are a sham. End this relationship, you deserve better.

Sandra1984 · 28/09/2022 21:44

I’m going to go against the flow. Most probably she’s just a friend crashing there with her son, I highly doubt they will engage in anything with the son there. I wouldn’t have a problem with her stay, what I have a problem with is the not nice way he’s handed the situation, he’s dealt with it in a very selfish way. He should have sat with you and tell you how there’s absolutely nothing going on with this woman and he would love you to trust him, invite you for dinner with her and have you guys hang out together at his place to make you at ease and meet her. If you still feel uncomfortable (which you shouldn’t) then he should have cancel her stay. He’s totally dismissing your feelings. I may dump this guy just for that.

BlodynGwyn · 28/09/2022 21:52

Fullsomefrenchie · 28/09/2022 21:31

But, you told him it was a deal breaker and still he went ahead. That's shocking to me

see I’m not quite with you . I think his mistake is asking a relatively new girlfriend if it was ok. He should just have told her that she was coming.

I’d not let a new boyfriend dictate to me if I could have friends stay or not. Maybe he was just being polite and didn’t Expect the op to react so jealously. Either way the issue is he didn’t know the op well enough to know her reaction.

he was always letting his friend stay and he’s not letting new girlfriends dictate his friendships, fair enough, the issue is he asked and he shouldn’t have done and then he lied by omission when it was a done deal.

You make some good points but I guess I'm coming from somewhere else because 5 months of dating to me is not what I consider a new relationship. My husband and I got married 7 months after we met and we also lived 90 miles apart, so only saw each other on weekends.

I understand what you're saying about being dictated to, that would make me bristle, but the OP let him know her feelings and it's not like this woman is an old friend. Not having her stay would not cause him any hardships, plus his son is not all that keen.

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 21:53

I think its really odd for the woman to bring her children to stay with a man she met on holiday, and for him to want her to stay with him and his son.

This.

They both sound like pretty rubbish, irresponsible parents tbh.

Sandra1984 · 28/09/2022 21:59

If I was the OP I might have a guy come and stay at her place shortly after and just “disappear” for a week. Just let him know but no explanations given. I know it’s a bit tit for tat but I can’t care less.

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 22:00

I had actually thought that things were moving on a bit as he invited me to a party with his couple friends. He’s met a few of my friends but I hadn’t met any of his. He warned me his ex wife might be there as they all still hang out. I was ok with this. However the ex is now bringing their son so plans have changed as he thought it would be too awkward. Initially I thought he was going to uninvite me and still go himself but to his credit he has said we’d do something else together.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 28/09/2022 22:00

Just to let him know that she too has “guy friends who like to crash at her place”.

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 22:01

Sandra1984 · 28/09/2022 21:59

If I was the OP I might have a guy come and stay at her place shortly after and just “disappear” for a week. Just let him know but no explanations given. I know it’s a bit tit for tat but I can’t care less.

I did ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed but he said he wouldn’t be bothered.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 28/09/2022 22:01

I'd probably be spiteful and keep quiet about planning to ditch him until after she's gone. Don't leave him newly single to double date with his ds and her dd!!!

Do ditch him. Sounds like he's stringing you along.

Sandra1984 · 28/09/2022 22:03

Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 22:01

I did ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed but he said he wouldn’t be bothered.

Show quote history

So if he’s not bother just invite your guy friend for a week. Let’s see how that “Doesn’t bother” thing pans out 🤣

StClare101 · 28/09/2022 22:03

For goodness sake find some self respect and dump him!

EveningOverRooftops · 28/09/2022 22:04

Op you said her staying was a ‘deal breaker’

you’re still there.

he knows that your ‘deal breakers’ can be walked all over.

and who warns you and ex might be there? Of course he has an ex. He has a son. You don’t need a warning that they exist. It’s a bit odd.

Sally2791 · 28/09/2022 22:05

Dump now, he’ll walk all over you

NewbietoSE3 · 28/09/2022 22:06

EveningOverRooftops · 28/09/2022 22:04

Op you said her staying was a ‘deal breaker’

you’re still there.

he knows that your ‘deal breakers’ can be walked all over.

and who warns you and ex might be there? Of course he has an ex. He has a son. You don’t need a warning that they exist. It’s a bit odd.

^^ this!!

You keep defending him in your updates.

Please get some self respect and back yourself OP!!!!

Tsort · 28/09/2022 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LoupsGarous · 28/09/2022 22:10

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 21:53

I think its really odd for the woman to bring her children to stay with a man she met on holiday, and for him to want her to stay with him and his son.

This.

They both sound like pretty rubbish, irresponsible parents tbh.

But they met on holiday with their kids and presumably, if the kids are the same age and got along, have spent over a fortnight seeing one another daily and are reasonably sure the other person isn’t a maniac.

Newusernameaug · 28/09/2022 22:15

The fact he took you away for a romantic weekend and then told you as he dropped you back is really shitty and manipulative - that for me would be a much bigger dump the bastard red flag than meeting up with a holiday friend!

which by the way as a single mum who loves to travel I’ve stayed in touch with and met up with friends from holiday - of both sexes, however you were justified in not being ok with it, as it’s whatever you’re ok with

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 22:18

@LoupsGarous

Bringing your 14 year old daughter to stay a few nights in the home of a 14 year old boy she got a crush on during a holiday is absolutely fucking bizarre, IMO.

Nandocushion · 28/09/2022 22:25

I'm pretty baffled by all the LTBs on here. It's a 5-month relationship and I agree with PP who said that they wouldn't be asking a new GF's permission as to who they could or could not have to stay with them. Some other points:

  • it's a red herring that this woman has met his son and the OP hasn't. This other woman doesn't matter to the BF and is just a holiday friend so the son won't care if she meets him and then disappears from his life. The BF is waiting to introduce his son to the OP because that will hopefully be a meaningful relationship to them both that will develop and which will have consequences if OP disappears. BF doesn't want to rush that - I say good for him.
  • I think it sounds as though the BF also didn't think he needed OP's permission to have these guests to stay and I bet he actually agreed to it before even mentioning it the first time. He told OP then, surprised by her reaction, tried to make her feel more reassured about his feelings/commitment by spending some quality time with her. I mean maybe he did it a bit clumsily, but I don't see this as nefarious. OP has said that she and BF don't get to spend a lot of time together, which means that he could have had these guests to stay without even telling OP. Which says to me that it really isn't a big deal to him at all, or he would have kept it quiet.
  • I think there's a chance the other woman is interested? But there's no evidence of that and it's pretty clear the BF doesn't see anything like this or he wouldn't have happily told the OP all about them. And it's equally likely these are just friendly people who made friends on holiday and want to continue the friendship.

I think OP has jumped the gun and overreacted with the 'deal breaker' talk and it will be tricky to come back from this, if she wants to. I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I just didn't see 'prick', 'cheater', and whatever else everyone here is calling him.

Mingot · 28/09/2022 22:27

Nah. Dump him.

Tsort · 28/09/2022 22:30

Nandocushion · 28/09/2022 22:25

I'm pretty baffled by all the LTBs on here. It's a 5-month relationship and I agree with PP who said that they wouldn't be asking a new GF's permission as to who they could or could not have to stay with them. Some other points:

  • it's a red herring that this woman has met his son and the OP hasn't. This other woman doesn't matter to the BF and is just a holiday friend so the son won't care if she meets him and then disappears from his life. The BF is waiting to introduce his son to the OP because that will hopefully be a meaningful relationship to them both that will develop and which will have consequences if OP disappears. BF doesn't want to rush that - I say good for him.
  • I think it sounds as though the BF also didn't think he needed OP's permission to have these guests to stay and I bet he actually agreed to it before even mentioning it the first time. He told OP then, surprised by her reaction, tried to make her feel more reassured about his feelings/commitment by spending some quality time with her. I mean maybe he did it a bit clumsily, but I don't see this as nefarious. OP has said that she and BF don't get to spend a lot of time together, which means that he could have had these guests to stay without even telling OP. Which says to me that it really isn't a big deal to him at all, or he would have kept it quiet.
  • I think there's a chance the other woman is interested? But there's no evidence of that and it's pretty clear the BF doesn't see anything like this or he wouldn't have happily told the OP all about them. And it's equally likely these are just friendly people who made friends on holiday and want to continue the friendship.

I think OP has jumped the gun and overreacted with the 'deal breaker' talk and it will be tricky to come back from this, if she wants to. I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I just didn't see 'prick', 'cheater', and whatever else everyone here is calling him.

A voice of sanity in the MN chorus of constant crazed jealousy. How very novel.

LoupsGarous · 28/09/2022 22:33

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 22:18

@LoupsGarous

Bringing your 14 year old daughter to stay a few nights in the home of a 14 year old boy she got a crush on during a holiday is absolutely fucking bizarre, IMO.

Or bringing your 14 year old to stay with a parent and child you both met and got along well with on a shared adventure holiday? Not at all ‘bizarre’.