New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

There is probably something brewing between them, or something one-sided at least.

Red flags all over this one! If he knew it would upset you and did it anyway, and wasn’t up front about it, that is an even bigger deal breaker. Don’t give him another thought.

"So he doesn't want to introduce you to his son but is happy to have a virtual stranger around his child ?

I know it's easy to say what you'll do, until you're in the actual situation , BUT this would really piss me off."

I'd find that pretty humiliating actually. That some random is "allowed" to have what you are not allowed to have. Asking your opinion, hearing dealbreaker then doing it anyway- also humiliating. So he "has to be true to himself"by doing whatever the fuck he wants while you are expected to be the cool girl and not mind having your nose rubbed in it. Fuck that.

Look, no, in a serious relationship with someone for 5 months (ie girlfriend) you don't invite random women you've just met in holiday to stay at your house with their child whether your child is there or not

You don't listen to your girlfriend who says 'hey, no, this is a deal breaker for me' shag her over the weekend and then do it anyway- if you actually respect your girlfriend

He is a cheater

Sometimes men are single because the other fishes threw them back as they were skanky and smelt off

He was wearing strong aftershave as he is clearly "off" and has just shown you who he is and how little he cares about your views or feelings

Dump him and find a not rotten fish 🐟 - there are far better men out there

Ew. Just ew. No. If a man is into you they don’t do anything like this. And if he’s not into you you’re not really losing anything by breaking up with him.

plus! He literally doesn’t know her…is his son going to be there? Like she’s going to bring her 14 year old daughter to stay in the house of a random man with his 14 year old, no doubt hormonally charged, boy??? All kinds of weird.

they wanna hook up. He’s a dick.

This sums up everything for me.

Hold on.

He’s not letting you meet his son. 14 yrs not 4 at that! So a 14 yo can deal a bit better with ‘hey this is my GF’

but is letting a female stranger to him - actual stranger as he’s known her all of what 7 days total? and you 5mths - stay in his house with his son

and he cannot see the complete hypocrisy in that?

OP tell him the above.

tell him to fuck off. You have more self respect.

You said it was a dealbreaker? You need to follow through on that. Otherwise this will be the start of the boundary pushing. He’s not the great guy you thought, he’s already messing with your head. Also you don’t know what he told her or what she thinks/believes about him or you. Only what he’s told you.

if you’ve not yet done the Freedom Programme you really should consider it. It is a life changer.

I’m on the fence a little. We have met lots of people on our hols and said come and visit if you are passing through…….

If the kids got on very well together and she was coming to the area anyway or passing through might she have said something and he has said come and stay?

I am surprised that they are staying together but maybe the kids are in touch and their was pressure from his son for example?

is it that he doesn’t want to disappoint his son? Might his son have already asked him before he checked with you?

the upsetting thing is that he took you away - possibly with the intention of telling you but then he didn’t want to spoil the moment?

on MN he’s either the devil or the angel.

i do think you should communicate to him how upset you actually are and also decide if you are going to end it.

if you end it do it before the visit. Then he has some time to make a different choice

Apparently the women was keen to visit as her daughter really liked his son. She’s visiting friends about 100 miles from here so not exactly round the corner but wanted to combine the trips. I asked if his son was really keen and he said he was happy enough but not desperate for the visit to go ahead. So I think he agreed for his own ego boost/other reasons rather than for his son.

he’s told me spending two weeks together on this organised trip was quite intense so the 3 or 4 families all became very friendly. I didn’t have an issue with any of that. This I do. 😞

Ditch and run, I'd not fall for the just friends excuse, he's met her on holiday, coupling up with her and you're the side chick. I bet she actually knows nothing about you.

Fuck him off op. I thought you were going to say his son was a toddler tbh. You said it was a deal. Breaker, stick to it.

This is it, unfortunately.

I'm sorry but no way would I be happy with this i asked my husband what he thought and he said what!!! This guy is taking the piss. Why ask you about it if he doesn't care what you think? Because he's going to do this anyway. The whole thing feels off trust your gut because its telling you a big fat no!!

It's a no from me. She's a stranger. Happy for her to be with his son but not you? Ignoring it when you said it was a dealbreaker. No, get rid. You've got nothing to be done embarrassed about. He doesn't respect your feelings.

What a weirdo he is! Some random he met on a SHORT holiday has a teenage daughter who likes his son enough that she wants to visit and stay with a stranger (even though his son isn't fussed) and he thinks this is normal?? He should have alarm bells ringing about her lack of boundaries and encouraging her daughter's crush in this intense way.

Bin him. I bet he wouldn't be arranging this with the other couples, or other single dads - convenient it's a single mum. I would think something happened on this holiday to make them this close. Not worth the effort - he is essentially spending more quality time with her, than with you.

Also pp who said - this woman has and is meeting his son, sharing that intimacy together as a blended family. While you haven't had that. Ugh. Please please get rid of the arrogant, inconsiderate twat.

Nobody goes to this sort of effort with a random from a holiday. Either something happened between them or something is brewing.

Get rid.

If his son isn’t that bothered then I’m afraid the visit is for him…

The fact he asked you about it before responding but then disregarded you saying it’s a deal breaker is a massive red flag. You now have to follow through with what you said and end it.

Is there something else going on here? You’ve only been with this guy 5 months, it’s no time at all, it’s a new relationship and you don’t know each other that well but you describe your feelings as “utterly worthless” which is so extreme. Does your worth really come from this man?

so he might like her, he might not, it might just be friends. We can’t say. But this whole feelings of worthlessness is disturbing and needs to be addressed.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

It seems your self confidence in what you deserve has been lost, you don't need to cling on, put up with by pleasing this man.
He is very selfish to put you through this, he knows what trauma this is causing you.
He's not a good man.

I am very skeptical that this is friendship only, meeting a single woman on holiday, then being invited to stay with him just as friends, yeah right?...
no wonder he doesn't want his son to meet both of his girlfriends!
I expect he'll tell her you are just a friend too?

I know it's upsetting, but staying in this situation won't be good for your sanity.

You’ve already said it’s a deal breaker so I’m not sure what advice you want.

For me her staying at his wouldn’t be an issue but this is your boundary and he’s crossed it.

He also lied/wasn’t forthcoming with the truth which would be a dealbreaker for me.

You know what you need to do so you need to stick to your guns.
You’ve only been together a few months, there shouldn’t be any issues so early on.

Sorry but I wouldn’t have someone of the opposite sex in my home if I’d only known them 2.5 weeks! She is a stranger to him!

Also, you have just updated and said she’s staying with your boyfriend but visiting friends 100 miles away and wanted to combine the 2 visits. So why does she need to make such a big effort to come and stay with him when the friends are miles away! That’s like me saying I’m staying with someone in London because I’m visiting people in the midlands and want to combine the visits! It doesn’t make sense! Why is she not staying somewhere near her friends instead of staying with someone 100 miles away from them. I think there is more to this than he’s letting on.
Personally, I would dump him. He asked how you felt about it and he’s disrespected your wishes.

The thing I've taken from this is that he spent a total of 2.5 weeks with this woman in August (so a month ago) and you've been with him for 5 months. He doesn't want you to meet his son yet (understandable) but he's happy for a complete stranger he's known for a month to come and stay with him - and presumably his son - for a week

there is a high chance in the 2.5 weeks she spent more time with him than the op has in 5 months. She says right off he doesn’t seem always keen to see her and communicates a lot by text.

op. Do you actually spend a lot of time together?

never set yourself on fire to keep someone warm……….

you know what you need to do