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Original poster

New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

719 replies

Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 19:21

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

OP posts:
pawkins · 28/09/2022 22:43

LoupsGarous · 28/09/2022 22:33

Or bringing your 14 year old to stay with a parent and child you both met and got along well with on a shared adventure holiday? Not at all ‘bizarre’.

Show quote history

Except his son isn't so enthusiastic about meeting the daughter as the parents are to meet each other?

I wouldn't be happy OP. Even if it is platonic, he lied to you and tried to hide something from you. If it wasn't a big deal, he wouldn't have asked for your opinion in the first place? Its the hiding/manipulation that would bother me and tbh I'd be pretty insecure at the stage your relationship is at and wouldn't know if I could trust him or her. He isn't taking you into consideration at all really.

MsDogLady · 28/09/2022 22:44

he’s told me spending two weeks together on this organised trip was quite intense…

It sounds like your BF and Holiday Woman bonded over the exciting adventure trip and want to extend the feeling. She wants to go 100 miles out of her way to connect again, and he is willing to trash your feelings to prioritize her. This doesn’t feel platonic to me.

Flax, you asserted your boundary and told him it was a dealbreaker. He proceeded to secretly cross your red line and then please himself with a holiday and sex before he told you. You really do need to follow through here, unless of course your ‘dealbreaker’ was just lip service.

He’s a bad bet.

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 22:44

@LoupsGarous

Or bringing your 14 year old to stay with a parent and child you both met and got along well with on a shared adventure holiday? Not at all ‘bizarre’.

OP indicated a couple of times that the visit was driven by the daughter wanting to see the son as she was keen on him. I think it's bizarre for a parent to set up a few nights staying over with someone primarily because the teen daughter wants to hang out with the teen son. Horses for courses 🤷🏻‍♀️

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 22:45

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 22:44

@LoupsGarous

Or bringing your 14 year old to stay with a parent and child you both met and got along well with on a shared adventure holiday? Not at all ‘bizarre’.

OP indicated a couple of times that the visit was driven by the daughter wanting to see the son as she was keen on him. I think it's bizarre for a parent to set up a few nights staying over with someone primarily because the teen daughter wants to hang out with the teen son. Horses for courses 🤷🏻‍♀️

Especially if the son isn't that bothered. All very odd.

Itstrueiagree · 28/09/2022 22:49

I'd be concerned about his not being upfront about the plans he'd made with holiday woman. Waiting for you to bring it up or mentioning it nearer the time isnt being honest, its downright sneaky. I couldn't trust someone like that and is probably a taster of what he's truly like and whats to come if you stay with him Unfortunately it seems like he's a coward, avoiding a situation where he might have to face you being annoyed which anyone in your shoes would be.
Have been there with an ex and it doesn't get any better. I wish I'd known sooner and not wasted my time. If you were my friend, I'd advise you to to dump him. 5 months isn't a long time and already he's shown his true colours. He has put an almost total stranger before you. I'm angry on your behalf because I know how it feels.
You'll have had a lucky escape. You deserve better.

Herejustforthisone · 28/09/2022 22:54

He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

Bin him. Even just for this load of old shite ⬆️

Jibbajabba1 · 28/09/2022 22:56

Sorry - but I don’t think it’s a random woman. There’s something going on, and he’s playing weird games. You deserve better !

Almostthere1 · 28/09/2022 22:57

Holiday friend? Yeah, fine, if she & her daughter want to come & visit they can stay in a nearby hotel or airb’n’b and meet your boyfriend on a neutral ground. Ideally with you to join them so that he can introduce his gf to this friend.
He’s not honest with you OP. Something is off.

Relevanceiskey · 28/09/2022 23:03

Nandocushion · 28/09/2022 22:25

I'm pretty baffled by all the LTBs on here. It's a 5-month relationship and I agree with PP who said that they wouldn't be asking a new GF's permission as to who they could or could not have to stay with them. Some other points:

  • it's a red herring that this woman has met his son and the OP hasn't. This other woman doesn't matter to the BF and is just a holiday friend so the son won't care if she meets him and then disappears from his life. The BF is waiting to introduce his son to the OP because that will hopefully be a meaningful relationship to them both that will develop and which will have consequences if OP disappears. BF doesn't want to rush that - I say good for him.
  • I think it sounds as though the BF also didn't think he needed OP's permission to have these guests to stay and I bet he actually agreed to it before even mentioning it the first time. He told OP then, surprised by her reaction, tried to make her feel more reassured about his feelings/commitment by spending some quality time with her. I mean maybe he did it a bit clumsily, but I don't see this as nefarious. OP has said that she and BF don't get to spend a lot of time together, which means that he could have had these guests to stay without even telling OP. Which says to me that it really isn't a big deal to him at all, or he would have kept it quiet.
  • I think there's a chance the other woman is interested? But there's no evidence of that and it's pretty clear the BF doesn't see anything like this or he wouldn't have happily told the OP all about them. And it's equally likely these are just friendly people who made friends on holiday and want to continue the friendship.

I think OP has jumped the gun and overreacted with the 'deal breaker' talk and it will be tricky to come back from this, if she wants to. I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I just didn't see 'prick', 'cheater', and whatever else everyone here is calling him.

Everything I wanted to write is right here ^.

Honestly its seeming like the "dealbreaker" comment was a bluff all along to get him to do (or not do) what you wanted. Which is kind of emotionally manipulative and something I would have done when I was in my teens before I grew up and did a lot of self-reflecting.

Tassen · 28/09/2022 23:04

Or tell him that you want to stay at his the same weekend & meet this woman as you would like to be friends with her too.
Watch his reaction.

If it was me inviting a guy I'd met on holiday to mine even if was purely platonic I'd have my boyfriend over to stay as well.
For two reasons to show that nothing was going on & for the friend to meet my boyfriend in the hope that they could be mates too.

ganvough · 28/09/2022 23:07

Nandocushion · 28/09/2022 22:25

I'm pretty baffled by all the LTBs on here. It's a 5-month relationship and I agree with PP who said that they wouldn't be asking a new GF's permission as to who they could or could not have to stay with them. Some other points:

  • it's a red herring that this woman has met his son and the OP hasn't. This other woman doesn't matter to the BF and is just a holiday friend so the son won't care if she meets him and then disappears from his life. The BF is waiting to introduce his son to the OP because that will hopefully be a meaningful relationship to them both that will develop and which will have consequences if OP disappears. BF doesn't want to rush that - I say good for him.
  • I think it sounds as though the BF also didn't think he needed OP's permission to have these guests to stay and I bet he actually agreed to it before even mentioning it the first time. He told OP then, surprised by her reaction, tried to make her feel more reassured about his feelings/commitment by spending some quality time with her. I mean maybe he did it a bit clumsily, but I don't see this as nefarious. OP has said that she and BF don't get to spend a lot of time together, which means that he could have had these guests to stay without even telling OP. Which says to me that it really isn't a big deal to him at all, or he would have kept it quiet.
  • I think there's a chance the other woman is interested? But there's no evidence of that and it's pretty clear the BF doesn't see anything like this or he wouldn't have happily told the OP all about them. And it's equally likely these are just friendly people who made friends on holiday and want to continue the friendship.

I think OP has jumped the gun and overreacted with the 'deal breaker' talk and it will be tricky to come back from this, if she wants to. I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I just didn't see 'prick', 'cheater', and whatever else everyone here is calling him.

Well, he and OP were having trouble with how little he was seeing her, and how he communicated mostly by text. Yet he goes on holiday, intensely bonds with someone and shortly after she's travelling pretty out of her way to see him and spend time as 2 families together.

What it means is - when he wants to, he can carve out quality in-person time with someone to the extend he'd even host them (while not introducing them to his gf). But he isn't doing that with OP. The only indication of how invested someone is in a relationship is the in-person time they carve out for it. This man hasn't done it for OP but is doing it for someone else. That's why shy should LTB.

If 5 months in, you're struggling to have time to see your gf, yet are prioritising a week/few days with someone you met for 2 weeks - you're not as invested in your gf as your should be. 5 months is the honeymoon phase - when you can't get enough of each other, and crave each other. Clearly not for him (unless it involved manipulating OP to compromise on her deal breaker).

Schnooze · 28/09/2022 23:07

You trust him until he proves otherwise. I’d be very miffed in his situation if it’s innocent.

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 23:08

Relevanceiskey · 28/09/2022 23:03

Everything I wanted to write is right here ^.

Honestly its seeming like the "dealbreaker" comment was a bluff all along to get him to do (or not do) what you wanted. Which is kind of emotionally manipulative and something I would have done when I was in my teens before I grew up and did a lot of self-reflecting.

Show quote history

It wasn’t intended to be manipulative. I genuinely meant that I would get want to continue if he wanted to go ahead but I respected his choice to do that. What’s changed since then is the success of the weekend away which was a high and then finding out he’d gone behind my back to give her the go ahead which is a low. I’m trying to balance one again the other.

I appreciate all opinions though. I want to carefully weigh this up not just to react on my emotions.

OP posts:
Jibbajabba1 · 28/09/2022 23:10

@Tassen
Exactly this

Relevanceiskey · 28/09/2022 23:10

ganvough · 28/09/2022 23:07

Well, he and OP were having trouble with how little he was seeing her, and how he communicated mostly by text. Yet he goes on holiday, intensely bonds with someone and shortly after she's travelling pretty out of her way to see him and spend time as 2 families together.

What it means is - when he wants to, he can carve out quality in-person time with someone to the extend he'd even host them (while not introducing them to his gf). But he isn't doing that with OP. The only indication of how invested someone is in a relationship is the in-person time they carve out for it. This man hasn't done it for OP but is doing it for someone else. That's why shy should LTB.

If 5 months in, you're struggling to have time to see your gf, yet are prioritising a week/few days with someone you met for 2 weeks - you're not as invested in your gf as your should be. 5 months is the honeymoon phase - when you can't get enough of each other, and crave each other. Clearly not for him (unless it involved manipulating OP to compromise on her deal breaker).

Show quote history

Sorry but who is anyone to dictate how invested someone should be in a romantic relationship at any point? 5 months down the line is marriage material for some and barely exclusive for others. If they are in different boats regarding that then fair enough but let's not act like he's the arsehole for regarding it as a relatively casual relationship where they don't spend all their spare time together. It's very likely he treats his relationships with more caution than friendships.

ganvough · 28/09/2022 23:10

Which is kind of emotionally manipulative and something I would have done when I was in my teens before I grew up and did a lot of self-reflecting.

As emotionally manipulative as taking someone on holiday and shagging them loads while giving the impression you've decided to not do the thing that you know is a deal breaker/makes them anxious. If he hadn't done that, OP may have stuck with her dealbreaker instead of feeling confused by him.

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 23:11

Tassen · 28/09/2022 23:04

Or tell him that you want to stay at his the same weekend & meet this woman as you would like to be friends with her too.
Watch his reaction.

If it was me inviting a guy I'd met on holiday to mine even if was purely platonic I'd have my boyfriend over to stay as well.
For two reasons to show that nothing was going on & for the friend to meet my boyfriend in the hope that they could be mates too.

The difficulty is I’ll have my kids those days too. It’s complicated

OP posts:
yougotthelook · 28/09/2022 23:15

Nandocushion · 28/09/2022 22:25

I'm pretty baffled by all the LTBs on here. It's a 5-month relationship and I agree with PP who said that they wouldn't be asking a new GF's permission as to who they could or could not have to stay with them. Some other points:

  • it's a red herring that this woman has met his son and the OP hasn't. This other woman doesn't matter to the BF and is just a holiday friend so the son won't care if she meets him and then disappears from his life. The BF is waiting to introduce his son to the OP because that will hopefully be a meaningful relationship to them both that will develop and which will have consequences if OP disappears. BF doesn't want to rush that - I say good for him.
  • I think it sounds as though the BF also didn't think he needed OP's permission to have these guests to stay and I bet he actually agreed to it before even mentioning it the first time. He told OP then, surprised by her reaction, tried to make her feel more reassured about his feelings/commitment by spending some quality time with her. I mean maybe he did it a bit clumsily, but I don't see this as nefarious. OP has said that she and BF don't get to spend a lot of time together, which means that he could have had these guests to stay without even telling OP. Which says to me that it really isn't a big deal to him at all, or he would have kept it quiet.
  • I think there's a chance the other woman is interested? But there's no evidence of that and it's pretty clear the BF doesn't see anything like this or he wouldn't have happily told the OP all about them. And it's equally likely these are just friendly people who made friends on holiday and want to continue the friendship.

I think OP has jumped the gun and overreacted with the 'deal breaker' talk and it will be tricky to come back from this, if she wants to. I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I just didn't see 'prick', 'cheater', and whatever else everyone here is calling him.

Are you honestly living in the real world?!?!
So would you be ok with this?
Good god Mumsnet never ceases to amaze me

Charlize43 · 28/09/2022 23:15

You sound so terribly stressed that it's time to say goodbye.

Relevanceiskey · 28/09/2022 23:17

ganvough · 28/09/2022 23:10

Which is kind of emotionally manipulative and something I would have done when I was in my teens before I grew up and did a lot of self-reflecting.

As emotionally manipulative as taking someone on holiday and shagging them loads while giving the impression you've decided to not do the thing that you know is a deal breaker/makes them anxious. If he hadn't done that, OP may have stuck with her dealbreaker instead of feeling confused by him.

Yeah frankly it's all pretty shitty and not overly mature. Just in different ways.

ganvough · 28/09/2022 23:17

@Relevanceiskey

Except he was aware of how OP felt about him and wanting more time and also her anxieties about this friend. He can be the sort of bloke who invests more in a 2.5 week relationship, but that also means he loses out on the 5 month relationship. Because he's not on the same page as OP, something he initially admitted to, yet chose to take her away/build intimacy without actually clarifying he was ignoring her feelings on the matter.

Definitely an arsehole or certainly self centred enough and lacking empathy to not consider OP's feelings in any of it. When she said it was a deal breaker, he could have left it there and ended it. Or explained he was going to do it anyway but wanted to work it out- given her all the information to decide if she wanted to go away with him. He chose not to - probably coz he realised she wouldn't have accepted the offer to go away if she knew he was letting her stay.

blockpavingismynightmare · 28/09/2022 23:17

OP Do you really need this amount of stress in your life after seeing him for such a short time?
Throw this one back. It's just not worth it

thenewduchessoflapland · 28/09/2022 23:18

Bemyclementine · 28/09/2022 19:33

I think its really odd for the woman to bring her children to stay with a man she met on holiday, and for him yo want her to stay with him and his son..

I think this woman is his girlfriend..........

Pixiedust1234 · 28/09/2022 23:18

So you tell him its a dealbreaker but he's still going ahead with it.
You post here and most agree that you should bin him.
You then stick up for him and makes lots of excuses.

What do you want from us? None of us are going to say ignore the red flags babe, we get you lurve him.

yougotthelook · 28/09/2022 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Crikey. Supportive much?