New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

Oxytocin is a fucker.

Maybe holding off on sex could help (?) I've had men ok with waiting several months (we weren't totally non physical, just not pic).

Aside from that (which may be unrealistic for many people esp if they drink) it might be worth working on a mind set of "I would like a good ltr, I'm seeing how this goes, I've got to see what they're like over quite a long time" or something to that effect.

It's not the wanting more that's the issue, it's the presuming this man is the right man to have more with an investing heavily in that.

Not sure I'm expressing myself well on this.

It does feel disheartening at times. I'm slightly older than you and have been more or less single for about 10 years, although hopeful about a new-ish relationship. I've found the Female Dating Strategy podcast interesting although their target audience is younger women, I like some of their approach. It is important to remember that if the men are terrible, it isn't a reflection on you at all and you can't make a man better by trying harder. I think this is a difficult lesson, especially for successful women who work hard in other aspects of their lives.

Thank you. I was brought up to work hard at everything and felt in my abusive marriage that if only I could try a bit harder things could be better. Of course now I see that wasn’t the case. And I suppose that’s applicable here too. Very disheartening though as it means however hard I try I’m not likely to find what I’m looking for.

Aw op ❤️‍🩹

well done for Walking away . It’s really really hard when you have strong emotional and sexual bond
that oxytocin’s a bitch
loneliness is a bitch

but stressing over some fucker who won’t change and can’t change is a nightmare !

but it’s not easy to walk away
all strength to you

At least it means that you're giving yourself a chance of finding what you're looking for. Rather than wasting time on men who are not. Wishing you all the best OP.

So frustrating that such a big part of life is almost totally out of your control. As someone said on another thread it's not something you can work towards like a degree. You deserve better op. I hope something fab and unexpected comes your way.

Lots of good ideas on here open.spotify.com/episode/37fe4OcaE4e7glOFiF7Dym?si=_vLiZ6tsRayCiGVyR3Rogw&utm_source=copy-link

@DropOfffArtiste I actually credit female dating strategy for finding a "high value man". First I met a guy and then I reverted to the old habits of getting needy so I re-read most of the posts on FDS and now I met someone else who will likely propose soon. I'm over 50. I know it sounds a bit mechanical, but yes it works!!

Nope, you told him your boundaries and you've stuck by them. Good for you, stay strong!

I was curious about a male viewpoint on this (though there may have been a male poster or two on the thread?), summarised it for dp and he just shook his head and said "He doesn't care".

I asked my DP what he thought also. Read OP’s posts to him so he couldn’t see what others have said and give me a completely unbiased view from a male perspective.

He said “He sounds like an absolute, lying prick”.

Absolutely this!

You made it clear what your boundaries were. He had a choice at that point. To respect them or to end things himself if the two of you weren’t aligned.

He chose neither.

To walk away is not an easy thing to do. But you’ve done it. And you’ve done it with integrity.

@DropOfffArtiste and @forgotoldusername I’ve heard of female dating strategy but don’t know much about it. Will look into it. Thanks.

You did the right thing even though it's hard. It's sad that people well into middle age play games. You get wise to them after a while. You see the same patterns again and again and learn to do things differently. They never learn. At least yours is a decent and honest life. People like this end up very lonely and there was no need for that.

I'm in a really similar situation to you right now, 5 months in and seriously thinking of ending it as I'm just not trusting him... It's so hard though when you're not absolutely certain about the red flags you think you're seeing.

I really admire that you've been able to end things in these circumstances, you clearly have good boundaries, I hope I can learn from you and also end this, it's hard though

Sorry to hear that @Tisahardlife They are so disappointing aren’t they. Hope you arrive at a decision that’s right for you.

FDS principals will help you stay ruthlessly protected from the most common of male time wasters. Like this last 53 year old man… It will at least show that you have full right to have whatever standards and boundaries you want, and that anyone who tries to lower them is a “pick me” of the highest order. These pick me types are BIG mad at anyone else who knows they deserve and will only tolerate better treatment. We can have different standards but I’ll never try to lower yours. Ever.

He only said you’d get mad/bothered about something else as a cope. Truth is, you were asked and you gave a boundary. You weren’t mad and bothered by anything until he started to get cute and mess about. You did not show up mad/bothered and I don’t think you’ll be leaving that way. He doesn’t have the power.

His game is too weak, and he might have felt he was swimming in women right up to the point you decided you weren’t going to do the dances to win him over by being the cool girl. Mr 53 year old man doesn’t have it anymore it seems… yucky

the two other posters on here who report everyone like a bunch sad sacks and are just sad because they want everyone else to have those rock bottom low standards they have. It’s really sad. I am glad you aren’t one of them, that you at least see your value enough to let a 53 year old man go kick rocks. Just ewww OP, he is lucky you even gave him a fun weekend.

Don’t let him make it up to you. He is a waste. He won’t be lonely, there will always be those saddy types who will lower themselves for him (as seen here), but that is OK because you personally deserve better.

@JustKittenAround exactly that! Plenty of low value men at any age. When I realised my ex was starting not to treat me how I deserved to he treated (nothing too bad, but I wanted perfection) I cut it - no ifs no buts no discussions

This new man absolutely adores me, will propose soon and really is my peer intellectually (PhD in same discipline, sad but I love it). So yes no lowering standards. EVER

@Flaxseedblueberry since you blame oxytocin for attachment, you might know all that's written in this article, but it might be a helpful reminder.
www.elitedaily.com/women/oxytocin-science-makes-harder-women-casual-sex

It is a well-known fact that on a biological level women attach far, far quicker after sex, esp. good sex, than men. It is a bit of a conundrum when dating, and something to really to keep in mind.
I wonder if it changes at all post-menopause, because it's fertility driven first of all?
It's really interesting to me because I am bisexual and I can easily have "casual sex" with women without getting attached at all, the idea of having sex with several women at the same time is appealing as well :D, the idea of having sex with, say, several different women in one week feels completely fine (I don't act on it btw, just guess that's very similar to what most men are like about sex)
With men it is very, very different for me (even though I find women's bodies generally more attractive), I am slower to get physical but once I do, I do get attached and then miss that "connection" (which is false). It's like biology knows I cannot create a baby with a woman and so necessary circuits do not light up. It's probably different for gay women, I'm only talking for myself.

From the article:

Oxytocin is like a drug, and because of that, when we don't get our next fix, we can experience various degrees of withdrawal. It creates a craving for bonding, so when we don't get it, we become anxious and irritable.

We confuse this craving with feelings towards the person, when in reality, it is simply a biological need that is no longer being met when we engage in one-night stands, or certain casual sex relationships.

Very interesting read. It definitely rings true. I think I’m also missing the dopamine hit of the frequent text contact. It feels weird not having anyone to share the little things with and nobody checking in on me. But I managed before him so once the chemicals calm down I’m sure I’ll feel better again.

I’m trying to get to grips with the FDS principles but not finding a clear overview. It’s seems to be saying men should pay for dates etc. I’ve usually tried to pay a good amount/half as time goes on. Probably less so with this man as I think he has a lot more disposable income than me. But taking turns with rounds, bought some meals etc. Not sure I really understand that aspect of it as it wouldn’t seem fair to not contribute. Or does it just mean first dates?

You know what
take a break
no urgent need to read FDS or change
it’s been a hurtful breakup and just take a month out
follow the advice in the talk posted earlier
self care
journal

im only two weeks in and it hurts
i don’t know why me and the chap got so toxic and hurt
you don’t know yet either

give yourself a break , see friends and do self care

I keep re-reading this thread to reassure myself I’ve made the right decision. Sorry you are also have a tough time @Thisisworsethananticpated

I wonder if that was me under another guise...

I too have dated an acting type who struggled when I turned 40 because I was now an older woman and he'd "have to get used to it". He was, in fact, older than me.

Sleazy men are all the same.

Honestly what you should focus on is how knowing your worth and not budging will serve you well with men and that is what they respond to.

I really think people focus way too much on the paying for dates aspect. I understand (especially here) that women tend to pay for dates a lot more, but FDS just wants you to understand that men only value what they invest in, and that you put a lot of money and effort into looking good for dates… also your time is much more valuable. You have many options and they have so very little. But you do what you want on that.

You can pick and choose what works for you and you needn’t be a rabid fan like me! But you honestly really do need to understand that the dating game and relationships are actually a woman’s game and not a mans. They run NOTHING except those they can trick into thinking they have power in the dating world.

Also FDS will open your eyes to how so many people and media in general are fiercer trying to lower women’s expectations and push boundaries. Pick me’s cannot stand women who live better than they do. It’s so sad. But we have a few on your very thread here and you can see first hand how they want you to lower yourself.

Just check it out and have an open mind. Maybe something will speak to you. Maybe it won’t. But I can tell you learning to be ruthless about what you want is the way to be happy. Crumbs and being mistreated just to have a man around will waste your time and age you.

I’ve always been very ruthless when it comes to the apps and I rarely swipe right. But hey that I need to be more ruthless when I’m actually in a relationship instead of compromising my standards once I’m invested.