New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

Well done on getting rid.

To be "mystified"... In his 50s he'd have to be really daft or is a manipulative bullshitter. My bet is on the 2nd.

You showed strength, courage, and self-respect.
Block and delete as he'll likely be sniffing around at some point for a shag.

Onward and upwards

Tbh I find that claim somewhat ridiculous - I pointed out it was odd behaviour for the woman (if she is not romantically keen on/under the impression that something is happening or will happen with this guy); but I also said that if this was op, with a bloke she'd met on holiday last month; I'd also think he was acting oddly for a new entirely platonic friend who lives a considerable distance away.

So the reservation/question mark was exactly the same for either a woman or man.

One who is hot footing it to visit a new acquaintance in their home (for a week initially, I think, down graded to 2 days) at the first opportunity after meeting on holiday, a 100 miles out of their way, with their teenage child.

The idea that truly platonic relationships between men and women (where at least one person does not have underlying hopes or intentions, or where the dynamic changes with (non sexual) intimacy or alcohol or any number of things) are sadly rare is also not misogyny.

I forgot to point out that in both a male or female holiday acquaintance; I'd also wonder at their behaviour if they know their proposed host is in a steady, almost 6 month relationship. Most people would be aware of/reluctant to step on the partners toes or give the partner the wrong impression, they might limit the visit to meeting up while not staying in the person's home at close quarters; in both scenarios I'd be wondering why those considerations are not happening. If reassurance about the partner's agreeability were sought, then we'd know the host (in op's case) was lying; and i can't imagine tonnes of men who'd be like "no probs, let him stay in your house, have his showers, cook him meals etc, have a lovely time, enjoy yourselves with your kids (even though I, as your partner, aven't met yours yet) ...so they might not be agreeable either. They are either acting like the partner doesn't exist, or the "host" is giving a false impression about the partner not giving a fk. Not exactly legit.

Just to add on the subject of platonic friendships, I've found they often go fine when both people are in relationships, but come a cropper if one or both become single. (Which means essentially they are not true platonic friendships).

One half of this scenario (holiday woman) is already single, while op's ex's attachment style (which has already been bothering her) seems rather "loose".

You would, having met a man (who's not single) and his child on holiday in August, set up your half term holiday to go - 100 miles out of your way - and stay in his home??

(In doing so also putting your teenage daughter under the same roof as a teenage boy she fancies).

Couldn't say it better - this is plain gaslighting and you are well rid.

By acting 'mystified', he either completely lacks any kind of emotional intelligence (rubbish partner material) or is deliberately gaslighting/ trying to make you question your perfectly valid feelings (rubbish partner material).

Either way - rubbish partner material!

Well done OP, you did the best thing for yourself. Having posted earlier in the thread I was glad to read you have ended it.

I don't believe that she invited herself and her daughter to stay with him, nor that she knows he's in a relationship.

He invited her. He said so. I mean he's reframed it as 'if you're ever in the area' and being surprised that she took him up on it but he absolutely initiated this.

And obviously they've been chatting since August.

Yes you are probably right about the gaslighting @tranquiltortoise I’ve ended up feeling sorry for him as he seemed so confused. But I’ve been an idiot again haven’t I.

Do not feel sorry for him! This is his doing. He has got to his fifties making life work how he wants with this behaviour.

But I’m a single mum, so can easily understand the desire to widen my horizons and deepen social contacts without necessarily having the slightest romantic or sexual predatory desire for someone.

Both my partner and I (opposite sex couple) have friends of the opposite sex. We both know you can have friends of the opposite sex without any sexual desire for them. However, we both also know that at the outset of these friendships, it is important that you draw clear boundaries so that no-one gets confused or inadvertently misconstrues intentions. That's not misogynistic or misandrist. It's just realistic about friendships. Neither of us would go and stay in the house of a relative stranger on our own, or with a teenager in tow for that matter. We'd book a B&B, or not go at all, that way intentions are clear at the outset that it's a friendship, not a chance for a hookup. It's also just safer.

@Flaxseedblueberry

This article made me think of you. There are good men out there and when the pain of this is behind you I'm sure you'll meet someone who really values you.

Oh he isn't confused. He's just playing confused to confuse you. He's in his 50s, old enough to learn empathy and understand your perspective. Good you dropped him. He's showed you that he lacks the most important thing in a relationship - compassion and compromise.

I saw your post about why men think they have the upper hand. Actually they don't. They only have power if you give it to them by accepting them in your life and tolerating crap behaviour. Most men and women will not be compatible with each other - and as you get older certainly the pool is smaller as a lot of people have settled down. Or come with a lot more baggage than when younger. I do also think attachment styles have something to do with it. Read up on it (attachment theory). And a lot of women with anxious attachment styles or low self esteem go for avoidant men - because they see getting a man as a prize, it's validating. And see that aloof hot cold behaviour as attractive (because it feels challenge). And it's the worst relationship when anxious and avoidant people get together. But the thing with securely attached people is that by your 40s most of them will have gotten into relationships and you then need to wait for those who are separated/divorced which may not be many. Means majority of the pool with no baggage/prior relationships are likely avoidant. Unless a man has had therapy, if he's 40+ never having had a long term relationship, I would tread cautiously.

Loneliness is a scourge so of course people stay in relationships that aren't ideal. So really you need to consider what bits you could compromise on (I.e doesn't bother you that much) vs what is making you ill with anxiety. Dating and relationships have never been easy, I think it's just easier to get out them now than previously. And you have the option to date in your 40, 50s, 60s etc - back in the day if you were divorced at 50, unless you had an organic meet cute, you were doomed to be alone. So think of it that way - you have more choices now, you have hope, but which choices also comes more risk. Anyway, wishing you luck 🍀

I think the OP was quite right to end things because she wasn’t happy, and this guy didn’t sound particularly keen on her.

However, I do find some of the assumptions on the thread quite excessive. I’m happily married, made a new, divorced male friend last spring (our sons are friends) and we’ve been away for the weekend twice together with the boys. DH works many weekends and couldnt come, but is perfectly happy with the situation.

🤣🤣 I know. I’m awful for pointing out the terrible hypocrisy aren’t I 😂

Apparently if we analyse the ex-bf’s and woman ‘friend’s’ (I use that term loosely) behaviour, that makes us all misogynists (or as you rightly corrected -misandrists) for disagreeing with it. But Stravaig can give their differing opinion on this behaviour and that’s ok, purely because they support the behaviour 🤨

That’s a different scenario though?

This man isn’t coming to stay in your house, where you live alone and have a partner.

People are responding to the specific behaviour in this specific scenario.

The OP’s ex didn’t say he was arranging another holiday so their kids could meet up again. He said he was allowing her to come and stay in his home. Big difference.

Had this woman have said she was coming down his way and would be staying in a hotel and could they meet up so the kids could meet each other. Fine. Had he have suggested some hotels she could stay in when she comes to visit? Fine.

Instead she specifically asked to stay in his home. A man she’d known for 2.5 weeks and she’s asked to stay in his home. Not a hotel. Not a B&B. His HOME.

However well they got on on holiday, she is still essentially a stranger at this point.

Precisely.

Has he been in touch since you ended it or did you block him?

You are married and cohabiting, this man knows you are married & cohabiting, your h was perfectly fine with you going on hol/breaks with this man, he himself couldn't go due to work, and both you and this man were travelling to mutually convenient locations for the breaks, in (presumably non shared?) neutral accommodation. The breaks also happened during the 7 months since you first met.

Fwiw I don't know newly divorced he is but I have a feeling that if or when he gets a steady, established partner, you'll be shunted well down the priority list for holidays together. Unless you go as couples with kids.

*how newly divorced

Lemon drop do you have to keep posting and hijacking the thread!!!

fgs probably 70pc of this thread is you

Thanks for this. I’ve just read it. It made me a little tearful given how far away that type of relationship seems to me right now.

Agree with all this. I read Attached a few years ago. I think I tend towards an anxious attachment style but have had relationships where I felt securely attached. So I think it’s the avoidant types who push me further into the anxious position. It is a disaster for me to be in those type of relationships but finding a single man in my age group who is not avoidant is incredibly difficult.

It’s tough ending a relationship, especially when you still have feelings for that person. I’m glad you have some things lined up that you can focus on. That will really help you move forward 😊

Keep yourself busy and focus on YOU for a while 💐

I messaged briefly to wish him well and he replied in a civilised pleasant way. I haven’t responded to his last message so will leave it there now.

I was curious about a male viewpoint on this (though there may have been a male poster or two on the thread?), summarised it for dp and he just shook his head and said "He doesn't care".

I don't want to cause you hurt op, rather to help you move on but I do think (aside from this issue) there seemed to be greater investment on your side than his.

When you want to meet a partner it's easy to be quite highly invested from early on. It's then a painful chipping down of investment (or really painful wrench to end it) if t's not working.Whereas I've come to the conclusion we should enter relationships with very low investment and only let it build over quite a long time, if no issues arise. It's difficult but might be a better approach for the dating scene as it is.

I always go in with low expectations but it’s the oxytocin that ends up screwing with my mind and then I want more. I wish I could be happy with casual.