New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

Yes I’m 44, he’s 53. I think that age comment was a sort of ill thought out compliment to me at the time. I’m not sure how much filter he has.

He did say he could cancel the visit but then I’d get upset or worried about something else (which could be true I suppose but I did say I’d only talked about one dealbreaker). I think in his mind he’d offered me some reassurance about the visit and really doesn’t see it as a big deal.

(which could be true I suppose but I did say I’d only talked about one dealbreaker).

He's still gaslighting you. He's saying one narrative and you're doubting your own. Well done on ending it, but watch out for him crawling back. I agree with PP - after the half term holidays he'll suddenly realise that losing you was the biggest mistake of his life and he's so sorry.

I reckon he'll be back. And that he'll offer to cancel the visit. Or at least, as PP have said, he'll contact you once the visit's over and done with.
I'd try and stick to your resolve if that happens. He had plenty of opportunities to cancel without taking it to the wire in the hopes you'd cave in.
Well done for sticking to your guns.

It sounds like an honest and respectful resolution, OP, and brave of you.

If he cancelled the visit, it would be a sign that his boundaries are poor, to let someone he is dating limit his friendships. I think he is right, that something or someone else would soon bother you, and he should not have to make his life smaller to alleviate your insecurities. You wouldn't want that either.

I wish you more compatible matches in the future, and lots of cosy nurturing time by yourself and with friends.

He'll pop up again, no doubt.

That's why OP should block and delete IMO.

What a passive agressive, snide post.

And his boundaries aren't appropriate so he should change them. Op is in the right

You're literally one of two posters out of dozens and dozens on here who in think op is BU, and he's not being off/inappropriate.

53 yrs old and acting like this.

Fk. No hope for him.

Yes I’m 44, he’s 53.

53 and doesn't want to date women over 40? Jesus wept

I think that age comment was a sort of ill thought out compliment to me at the time. I’m not sure how much filter he has.

It's a compliment in the same way that "You're not like all the other girls" is a compliment. A teen or 20-something might fall for that shite, but most grown up women know better.

Which is probably why he likes dating younger women! They are more likely to put up with his bullshit.

lots of cosy nurturing time by yourself and with friends.

Well at least she won't be on her jack jones while he's having cosy evenings with a single woman he met a month ago, who's travelled 100 miles out of her way to see him and stay in his home, the very first opportunity she got since meeting him ... With both their kids (apparently); his being someone op hasn't even been introduced to because it's too soon (a teenager with his Dad nearly in his mid 50s whose presumably been single for years).

That's not even getting onto all the other red flags about him op had mentioned. Conveniently oblivious to those, you are.

It's a compliment in the same way that "You're not like all the other girls" is a compliment

Yes, a misogynistic compliment.

Reminds me of a poster saying her acting lothario, free spirit type told her he didnt normally go out with older women ... When he was actually older than her lol

You're literally one of two posters out of dozens and dozens on here who in think op is BU, and he's not being off/inappropriate.

So what? Why does that matter?

The post was neither snide nor passive aggressive and the poster hasn’t said OP is BU. Your inability to accept that not everyone has the exact same take on the situation is very odd.

53 and doesn't want to date women over 40? Jesus wept

Means he essentially thinks women who aren't young enough to be his daughter .. 13 yrs plus younger "have no personalities" and are virtually indatesble to him.

If he hadn't gained boundaries by 53, he ain't gaining them.

He seemed genuinely mystified and had no idea I felt so upset about it.

Hogwash. You had already cautioned him that it was a dealbreaker.

Flaxseed, kudos for drawing a line. He’ll never be a safe partner, so don’t relent when he tries to hoover you. You deserve an equal and honest relationship.

He did say he could cancel the visit but then I’d get upset or worried about something else (which could be true I suppose but I did say I’d only talked about one dealbreaker).

So not really offering to cancel the visit.
In a healthy relationship if either of you had become upset or worried about something else as adults you would discuss it and find a workable solution. That doesn't seem to be an option he considers.

Well that must have taken some courage and your self respect will be intact even if your heart takes a little mending. 💐
I can believe he was genuinely mystified, but that tells you everything you need to know about how much your feelings register in his frame of thinking.
Can you imagine any of your female friends doing something their partner/boyfriend told them was a deal breaker and then being baffled when said man called it a day? I know I can't. It wasn't even noted in his head, which means you could only be happy with him if you conveniently happened to want all the things he gave you and conveniently didn't want all the things he didn't give you. Which isn't real life. In real life we accommodate and consider people whose wishes are reasonable and respectfully requested, mutually.
If that's not happening you have no influence in your own relationship and are window decoration / fun pastime only.
Hope you're OK op.

Very courageous

Good work @Flaxseedblueberry

Please spend some time on your own now. I'm assuming you don't want more children so you have the luxury of time on your side if you're determined to be in a relationship.

And if you meet another guy and he lies about anything at the start or says something really offensive about older women, ditch him then. Don't waste your time on losers.

Well done OP.

Hope you're okay Flaxseedblueberry. It's such a shame you thought you'd met somebody offering a potential future and now have to deal with this.

Obviously I don't know this chap and haven't read the whole thread but something wasn't right there and you did well to listen to your head instead.

I'm wondering if one of two things has happened here. Either this lady has been made up to keep you on your toes and test you or all this is true, again to keep you on your toes and his options open. If this lady exists there must have been something going on. I agree with previous posters, you wouldn't meet a stranger on holiday and travel a long distance to stay at their home if there wasn't. It sounds a convenient explanation as to why he'd be unavailable for a while. I don't believe the suggestion of you meeting her was genuine. More to put you off the scent and appear plausible.

If this lady is genuine it's frankly ridiculous that an adult with a teenager would stay at a stranger's home. I wouldn't. You don't know them. You'd stay at a hotel. Also you wouldn't invite somebody you'd "known" for five minutes to your home, and even worse with your child there. To be blunt, what are they all thinking? It shows a lack of judgement. I agree he'll try and come back in a few weeks when he realises what he's lost but sadly the damage has been done. Hope you're being kind to yourself. It's hard but you did the right thing.

Glad you're ok Op & well done for having boundaries and enforcing them! Stay strong - there are much better men out there (if you're looking for another one!)

I can see someone who's spent two and a half weeks on a holiday becoming increasingly pally with another parent and child giving a friendly "lovely to meet you, you're welcome to visit us if you are ever in our neck of the woods" when parting company .... It's more the other parent's actions that makes me think something went on, or she thinks something will happen .... First opportunity she gets since the holiday, she's going 100 miles out of her way to visit him. 🤔

This. And no, it isn't normal and not everybody does that. And I echo it's fair enough not to introduce your children to each other yet, so it's wrong strangers with teenagers are all staying in the same house for a week.

Well done, OP, that can't have been easy.

And just think, no matter how crap you may be feeling today, imagine how much worse you'd have felt when the visit was going on ...