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Original poster

New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

719 replies

Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 19:21

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 17:54

I know. It’s painful now but at least I won’t have the searing anxiety at half term. I mean I’ll probably still feel crap but at least I won’t be as invested. 🤞🏼

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 02/10/2022 18:09

Hope you can find yourself a good distraction. Night out at a comedy club with some mates? Girls day out horse trekking? That's the kind of thing I like to have in my diary when I'm down... Something outside of my normal to lift me out of the darkness for a bit and make me feel like life still has fresh new things ahead.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 02/10/2022 18:10

Not that you asked, sorry. That probably came across as really patronising. Must rein in my tendency to relate to people too much. 🙈

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 18:15

Appreciate the suggestions. Luckily I have a couple of nice things lined up for next weekend to keep me busy.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 19:25

It is absolutely shit that 5128gap's post was deleted off this thread.

It was not offensive and was only reported because she accurately called out the BS of the poster she responded to (who presumably then reported it).

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 19:33

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 19:25

It is absolutely shit that 5128gap's post was deleted off this thread.

It was not offensive and was only reported because she accurately called out the BS of the poster she responded to (who presumably then reported it).

Agree. I found it helpful as it’s very true that there are multiple possible interpretations of ex-bfs behaviour

OP posts:
Stravaig · 02/10/2022 19:44

Any poster is welcome to offer as many alternative explanations of ex-BF's behaviour as they like.

What they cannot do is ascribe to me some truly vile interpretations which I did not write and do not believe. Hope that clarifies things.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 20:22

Since that didn't happen, it doesn't.

Reporting that post suggests you are what you accuse others of being on this thread.

Enough of a detail anyway.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 20:31

Op, it's notable that he said he could cancel her visit but you'd just get upset about other future things. There could not be a clearer indication that he fully expects to do similar things in future.

He sees this as being true to himself.
(He also sees it as you being over sensitive or controlling or some such BS).

The vast majority of posters on this thread see it as inappropriate, inconsiderate, lacking boundaries etc.
They also do not see you as over sensitive or controlling.

You were not entirely happy with his behaviour before this, this incident (and the lying by omission and clumsy, insulting attempt at reassurance (during which he also conveniently got a weekend of sex before he chose to disclose his decision & discuss the issue) .... And now the clear expectation on his part that he'll be doing more things to upset and discomfit you (which def fits with his "clueless", oh so friendly behaviour); you were just in for more of the same.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 20:34

I'd be curious about his level of contact with this single Mum who's coming to stay with him (at the first opportunity) since he met her on holiday, and you have to wonder at what level it will continue after the visit ... That thought alone would probably be causing you discomfort, before you even get on to anything else.

browneyes77 · 02/10/2022 20:35

Stravaig · 02/10/2022 19:44

Any poster is welcome to offer as many alternative explanations of ex-BF's behaviour as they like.

What they cannot do is ascribe to me some truly vile interpretations which I did not write and do not believe. Hope that clarifies things.

Sorry, weren’t you the one calling others ‘Mysoginists’ because they had alternative explanations of the ex-bf’s behaviour to you?

The hypocrisy is strong in you!!

Hope that clarifies things.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 20:37

browneyes77 · 02/10/2022 20:35

Sorry, weren’t you the one calling others ‘Mysoginists’ because they had alternative explanations of the ex-bf’s behaviour to you?

The hypocrisy is strong in you!!

Hope that clarifies things.

Show quote history

Oh brown eyes, you're so vile!

It's just vile to think those things!

So many vile posters on this thread!

Such vile misogyny (was actually misandry, but whatever).

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 20:47

Fwiw op, he may be an attractive 53 yr old (who was still punching with a 44 yr old woman) who lies about his age; but he seems like a right dickhead.

I've encountered younger men who also stumble around romantically with apparent cluelessness and lack of boundaries, they leave a trail of hurt, angry women in their wake and they don't change.
"I'm clueless, aw I just stick my head in the sand" said one I knew .... Didn't do that in his career, interestingly enough.

roestbruin · 02/10/2022 20:52

Well done OP.

CherryGenoa · 02/10/2022 21:02

Well done @Flaxseedblueberry 💐 Happy you have some nice things lined up

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 21:23

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 20:31

Op, it's notable that he said he could cancel her visit but you'd just get upset about other future things. There could not be a clearer indication that he fully expects to do similar things in future.

He sees this as being true to himself.
(He also sees it as you being over sensitive or controlling or some such BS).

The vast majority of posters on this thread see it as inappropriate, inconsiderate, lacking boundaries etc.
They also do not see you as over sensitive or controlling.

You were not entirely happy with his behaviour before this, this incident (and the lying by omission and clumsy, insulting attempt at reassurance (during which he also conveniently got a weekend of sex before he chose to disclose his decision & discuss the issue) .... And now the clear expectation on his part that he'll be doing more things to upset and discomfit you (which def fits with his "clueless", oh so friendly behaviour); you were just in for more of the same.

Thank you. I needed to read this right now. Am having regrets and tears about having ended it so this reminds me I’ve done the right thing.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/10/2022 21:27

well done op
better not to have a relationship that causes anxiety

stickynoter · 02/10/2022 21:27

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 20:31

Op, it's notable that he said he could cancel her visit but you'd just get upset about other future things. There could not be a clearer indication that he fully expects to do similar things in future.

He sees this as being true to himself.
(He also sees it as you being over sensitive or controlling or some such BS).

The vast majority of posters on this thread see it as inappropriate, inconsiderate, lacking boundaries etc.
They also do not see you as over sensitive or controlling.

You were not entirely happy with his behaviour before this, this incident (and the lying by omission and clumsy, insulting attempt at reassurance (during which he also conveniently got a weekend of sex before he chose to disclose his decision & discuss the issue) .... And now the clear expectation on his part that he'll be doing more things to upset and discomfit you (which def fits with his "clueless", oh so friendly behaviour); you were just in for more of the same.

Well done OP 👏🏼

Completely agree with this post. I got the impression ready your earlier posts that he was trying to manipulate this situation to make you look controlling

Caroffee · 02/10/2022 22:03

Knock it on the head. He's keeping you and the holiday woman as options. I think it sounds like he prefers her but he's not sure if it woukd work as it's long distance and they both have children who are presumably settled in schools. He's treating you like you are second best. Don't let him. Text him to say that you told him it waa a dealbreaker and he broke that deal. Then block his number. He will never respect your boundaries.

Doggiedoodoos · 02/10/2022 22:14

Have NO regrets OP. He was playing you that is for sure. I admire your strength at ending it. You will find your perfect man but this was not him.

pawkins · 02/10/2022 22:22

I completely agree with Lemondtop22’s post above. This was the beginning of him doing what he wanted regardless of how you felt.

If the visit was really about the two kids meeting (and let’s face it we already know it wasn’t), then he!d have suggested a local guesthouse for them to stay in and to meet up for a few hours each day to visit local attractions. It wasn’t even considered seemingly.

This was about the parents meeting for wine and possibly more in the evenings, If he wasn’t interested in this woman, he’d have made alternative arrangements. I’ve met a few men like this one, one in particular, who would also claim to be mystified when I didn’t like the idea of a woman visiting and staying in his house. I was younger and didn’t insist it didn’t happen. It went on and on until one day we were in bed after he returned from a trip abroad and he reached for a condom and said ‘oh no I’ve left them in my suitcase’ By the time I saw the wood from the trees, I was completely mixed up and confused about everything.

I’m so pleased you stood up for yourself. No doubt he will come sniffing around again but you’ve got the measure of him now and forewarned is forearmed. .

Octomore · 02/10/2022 22:26

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 19:25

It is absolutely shit that 5128gap's post was deleted off this thread.

It was not offensive and was only reported because she accurately called out the BS of the poster she responded to (who presumably then reported it).

I agree. It wasn't offensive at all

Worldwearymum · 02/10/2022 23:06

That’s what I was thinking.

But I’m a single mum, so can easily understand the desire to widen my horizons and deepen social contacts without necessarily having the slightest romantic or sexual predatory desire for someone.

Foncusedchamenange · 02/10/2022 23:07

Sorry, meant to quote @Stravaig there, what she said about misogyny!

youlooklikeapenis · 03/10/2022 00:17

He's not mystified and the whole 'you'll just get upset about other things' is just his way of minimizing the situation and trying to get you to feel like you overreact. He's a fucking twat.