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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

719 replies

Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 19:21

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

OP posts:
Smineusername · 02/10/2022 00:26

But really he is a dick so you should just move on from him and treat it as a lesson learned. In future pay less attention to looks, status, sex appeal etc and much more attention to evidence of honesty, integrity, decency. You aren't finding the good ones because you aren't really looking for the good qualities, you are overlooking that someone is a misogynistic asshole because he is also hot. Not smart.

JustKittenAround · 02/10/2022 01:03

Smineusername · 02/10/2022 00:22

Please do not meet a man like this face to face to essentially beg him to (at least pretend to) give a shit about you when you both now know he blatantly doesn't. It's just masochistic - you are inviting him to abuse you further. And the really awful part is that you are devaluing yourself enormously and demonstrating that you really have no game whatsoever and no idea how to manage a man like that. If you want him, you should drop him like a hot potato. No face to face, no apologies, just block and ghost. This would show you value yourself and think you could do better. He'd be all over you like a rash wanting what he can't have. Begging him to be nice to you is just pathetic, and actually kills any attraction.

100% agree.

OP, Ghost him hard. If you just, tell him you need to think some things over and then drop him. Anything other then that from you will show that you’re weak and in his mind you’ll deserve the mistreatment.

I have been there, so I’m not not coming on here with a puffed up chest without knowing how it feels to be on both sides of action in a situation like this. I can tell you right now, despite the wild bargaining you’re doing to make seeing him make sense, you’ll feel better taking the reigns and “being true” to YOURSELF.

The fact that you think men run the dating game alone tells me you need to dip out of dating for a spell no work on yourself. They simply run nothing but a bunch of chicken heads around the dusty yard. Don’t be out there flapping a clucking in the muck, especially if you truly think you’re a catch. Because all the birds in the trees and overhead don’t have to do any of that foolishness. Men run nothing in the dating world if you value yourself.

I like you OP, but no doubt you’ll be on here at some other point making a post about getting cheated on and as the story unfolds and all the red flags you’ve willfully looked over become clear, you’ll be hearing these words again. Just stop please. Get some self respect, block his ass and at least learn that when you tell someone a hard boundary you better mean it because it could get called out. Allowing him to break that boundary will just show he can do whatever and you’ll be there befuddled trying to somehow make it all OK. What a waste of time.

rooting for you OP, sorry he thinks more of this woman and her company more preferable to your steady company but it doesn’t mean you’re worth any less. This guy is no prize at all. Lol at his old self out there lying because he thinks 40 year old women don’t have personality enough .. what a loser!!!

GreyCarpet · 02/10/2022 09:40

LemonDrop22 · 01/10/2022 17:09

after all he met and made a friend on holiday and she is coming to visit with her kid!!

Yes, a single mother he met on holiday about a month ago is travelling 100 miles out of her way on the very first opportunity (school half term) since the holiday to stay with him, in his home, where they'll be showering, perhaps cooking, sharing meals, hanging out, getting ready for bed etc. with (apparently) their kids (his being someone op has never let to date because the relationship isn't considered long term enough).

Sounds totally legit, raised no questions.

Like why the single Mum feels the necessity or inclination to do this, so quickly/with such apparent enthusiasm and relative urgency after their meeting a month or two ago. Why, if she's been told he's in a steady, committed, established, almost 6 month relationship with a partner, she has felt it's appropriate to do this or at the very least not asked if it's ok with him and his partner.... And we know if she's been told it's ok with his partner, then he's lied to her about that.

Her behaviour is odd, verging on inappropriate towards a non single man; so she is either odd and somewhat inappropriate.... Or she's been given reason to feel her behaviour is appropriate.

(And I stand by my view that this man's assertion that he'd be fine with OP doing the equivalent is BS).

This scenario, from a proven ageist, sexist liar (and most men don't end up divorced single Dads because they were great partners either); lots of question marks are raised.

This is spot on.

It's easy to say, "It's just a friend he met on holiday coming to stay," but the narrative around, and underpinning, that statement and the circumstances are not that simple.

5128gap · 02/10/2022 11:07

Flaxseedblueberry · 30/09/2022 15:21

I suppose it’s the power imbalance I find so disturbing. Why do men get away with treating women badly? Women seem much more invested in having good relationships than men do in general. I guess it about mens’ ‘marketability’ on the dating scene remaining high through their 40s and 50s meaning they can go for much younger women. They have more options, they can treat women badly so they will. And women then get blamed for having poor boundaries.

Nonsense.
Most young women wouldn't look twice at a man in his late 40s to early 50s, unless he was truly exceptional, rich or successful. They have far far less value on the dating market than younger women. The only thing they have in their favour is their delusion and arrogance that makes them see themselves as a prize, coupled with the very low self esteem of some younger women who have been taught incorrectly they are not worth better.
Any power this mediocre, ego driven middle aged man has is what you have chosen to give him through your lack of confidence and self doubt. He is playing on this by making sure you believe he is desirable and has other options by using his child's friendship to encourage another single mother to engage with him.
Don't ever think if you let him you'll have missed out on a prize. I guarantee you, he is a dime a dozen and easily replaceable.

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 11:22

How are you doing @Flaxseedblueberry?

If you met up with him then I hope you're feeling ok and clearer on what you need to do.

Sisisimone · 02/10/2022 11:23

5128gap · 02/10/2022 11:07

Nonsense.
Most young women wouldn't look twice at a man in his late 40s to early 50s, unless he was truly exceptional, rich or successful. They have far far less value on the dating market than younger women. The only thing they have in their favour is their delusion and arrogance that makes them see themselves as a prize, coupled with the very low self esteem of some younger women who have been taught incorrectly they are not worth better.
Any power this mediocre, ego driven middle aged man has is what you have chosen to give him through your lack of confidence and self doubt. He is playing on this by making sure you believe he is desirable and has other options by using his child's friendship to encourage another single mother to engage with him.
Don't ever think if you let him you'll have missed out on a prize. I guarantee you, he is a dime a dozen and easily replaceable.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree with this. I had absolutely no interest in men my dad's age when I was in my 20s or even 30s. Not a chance I would have considered dating someone that much older. That is why he was dishonest and lied about his age. He sounds awful, a liar and a manipulator. How can you even be contemplating staying with him when he took you away for a sex filled weekend knowing he was going ahead with something you had told him you would end the relationship over. That tells you all you need to know about the type of person he is. And you would have to be a fool to think that he hadn't already shagged this woman on holiday. You don't go 100 miles out of your way to see a bloke you met on holiday the month before just to have tea and cake

youlooklikeapenis · 02/10/2022 11:41

100% he had sex with her on holiday and will be doing it again.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 11:41

Women seem much more invested in having good relationships than men do in general.

I do think there's truth in that.

More men than women just want a rotation of easy situationships than women.

And a lot of men of that type are divorced and separated, for obvious reasons.

Herejustforthisone · 02/10/2022 12:24

I wish the OP hadn’t gone to see this dickhead and essentially try to force him to give a flying fuck about her. He’ll have said all the right things and I daresay he’ll have talked her round. A shame.

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 13:04

Update: I have finished it. I stuck to my boundaries and we had quite a calm respectful discussion. I was much more confident saying that I was uncomfortable with the visit and it continues to be a dealbreaker. He seemed genuinely mystified and had no idea I felt so upset about it. He’s apologised for making me feel that way and seems quite upset that it’s over. I think he did care about me but we have such different views of the world and relationship boundaries we just aren’t compatible.

OP posts:
witchyw · 02/10/2022 13:06

Awww glad you're ok.

Foreverinjeans · 02/10/2022 13:10

Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 13:04

Update: I have finished it. I stuck to my boundaries and we had quite a calm respectful discussion. I was much more confident saying that I was uncomfortable with the visit and it continues to be a dealbreaker. He seemed genuinely mystified and had no idea I felt so upset about it. He’s apologised for making me feel that way and seems quite upset that it’s over. I think he did care about me but we have such different views of the world and relationship boundaries we just aren’t compatible.

Well done.
Stay strong. There are better men.

I bet he's mystified. More gaslighting. She is/was hoping for a shag.

And why does she think that's on the table. Because of his actions.

Mumofnarnia · 02/10/2022 13:16

Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 13:04

Update: I have finished it. I stuck to my boundaries and we had quite a calm respectful discussion. I was much more confident saying that I was uncomfortable with the visit and it continues to be a dealbreaker. He seemed genuinely mystified and had no idea I felt so upset about it. He’s apologised for making me feel that way and seems quite upset that it’s over. I think he did care about me but we have such different views of the world and relationship boundaries we just aren’t compatible.

Well done! Glad you stuck to your boundaries.
Now all you need to do is not allow him to come back after a few days/ weeks to try and talk you round or manipulate you.

I take it he’d rather allow that woman to come and stay with him over keeping his relationship with you?

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 13:18

Well done OP, that's brilliant news.

Now you've draw a line under it in person, I would block and delete.

Onwards and upwards Flowers

Mumofnarnia · 02/10/2022 13:31

He only seemed genuinely ‘mystified’ because he wasn’t expecting you to break up with him and thought you’d just accept your boundaries being walked all over.

billy1966 · 02/10/2022 13:40

Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 13:04

Update: I have finished it. I stuck to my boundaries and we had quite a calm respectful discussion. I was much more confident saying that I was uncomfortable with the visit and it continues to be a dealbreaker. He seemed genuinely mystified and had no idea I felt so upset about it. He’s apologised for making me feel that way and seems quite upset that it’s over. I think he did care about me but we have such different views of the world and relationship boundaries we just aren’t compatible.

Well done you.

He's only mystefied because he misjudge YOU.

He really thought you would accept the lies and manipulative behaviour.

For what its worth, I would put money on it that he had a fling with her on holiday and she is interested enough to pursue it if only for a weekend away.

He could well come sniffing around again.

You are worth so much better than him.

Well done👏👏👏

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 13:52

Sorry he turned out to be an odd, poorly boundaried (at best) non starter, op.

There is a lot of other stuff about him that's 🤔too.

It's best you don't get further hurt and destabilised by him.

I think he'll try popping up with you again, though that will depend on how busy he is or not pulling other women.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 13:54

Also you're presumably under 40 now, one day you won't be ....do you really want to invest only to have him chase and probably eventually dump you for an under 40 at some point.

His comments on that front are crazy.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 13:56

His mystification is oddly not matched by any offer to cancel the visit and acknowledge that's it's a bit inappropriate, that there are question marks around her perceptions/intentions with this trip.

Even if he did though, similar will crop up.

Smineusername · 02/10/2022 13:59

Well done you!!!!

Be prepared for the slide back in a month or so. Even if you want to don't let him back for a long, long time. The longer you hold out and the higher your standards for how you expect to be treated the higher his respect will be for you. Well done! It's not easy. But you should be proud because you're protecting and valuing yourself

CatsandFish · 02/10/2022 14:01

Flaxseedblueberry · 02/10/2022 13:04

Update: I have finished it. I stuck to my boundaries and we had quite a calm respectful discussion. I was much more confident saying that I was uncomfortable with the visit and it continues to be a dealbreaker. He seemed genuinely mystified and had no idea I felt so upset about it. He’s apologised for making me feel that way and seems quite upset that it’s over. I think he did care about me but we have such different views of the world and relationship boundaries we just aren’t compatible.

Woohoo! You go girl! Good on you. That he was so mystified that his lying, deceit and disrespect of you is not appreciated shows that he really thinks his behaviour is ok. He really expected you to just take it.

Mumofnarnia · 02/10/2022 14:04

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 13:56

His mystification is oddly not matched by any offer to cancel the visit and acknowledge that's it's a bit inappropriate, that there are question marks around her perceptions/intentions with this trip.

Even if he did though, similar will crop up.

Exactly what I’ve just said. Seems he has continued to allow this visit despite it ruining his relationship with op and he doesn’t seem to be making the effort to save his relationship with her by cancelling the visit either

PaperPalace · 02/10/2022 14:07

Funny that he's so into being 'true to himself' and yet he's mystified when the OP is true to herself, by standing by what she had already told him to be the case (i.e. that this was a deal breaker). Double standards!

Mumofnarnia · 02/10/2022 14:09

I’m sure he will be back to chasing the op and being full of apologies after the October half term holidays have ended and after she’s been to stay

birder · 02/10/2022 14:35

OP is in her 40's, so he's probably amazed that she has enough personality to end it. He might be back though, when his holiday friend has gone home.