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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex while asleep

319 replies

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 13:56

I woke up a night ago as my partner turned me over and started having sex with me, I was fast asleep when he started. They was no hug or fondle just straight in. 18 months together and he has never done this before, but I feel uncomfortable. When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

OP posts:
DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:33

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OldFan · 26/09/2022 15:35

I just didn’t react, I don’t know why. I wish I had so much now.

As PP's have said @Rachellilllian , this is normal. You were probably also in shock too- you didn't expect rape from this guy.

I agree with others that you should dump him of course.

LovinglifeAF · 26/09/2022 15:35

Naunet · 26/09/2022 15:25

Rapists/rape apologists. There’s a sickeningly high number of them about, hence the low conviction rates I guess.

Show quote history

It’s absolutely disgusting. I’m horrified that anyone would think a rape victim was BU or make excuses for the rapist.

DarkShade · 26/09/2022 15:36

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Im sorry, is the question have most women started giving their partners blowjobs while they are alseep? No, absolutely not. I would never do this. And unless you know in advance that your partner is into it, this is assault. Obviously if they have told you they're into it that's fine .

JustLyra · 26/09/2022 15:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

JustLyra · 26/09/2022 15:36

Sorry I've tagged the wrong poster.

I'm bloody furious at someone waffling about their sex life on this thread.

Apologies

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/09/2022 15:37

StopStartStop · 26/09/2022 14:58

I feel uncomfortable

That's because he raped you.

It's not just that you didn't say no - consent has to be 'enthusiastic', not coerced and not assumed. Having sex previously doesn't mean you agree to sex again. Consent is required every time.

I'm a lot older than you. Laws and expectations were very different forty to fifty years ago. We put up with such shit. You don't have to.

Finish the relationship. You don't have to confront him with what he did (to be fair, you did that already) and you don't have to report to the police if you don't want. Convictions for reported rapes in the UK stand at 1.6% (I read that this weekend, not sure where) so the only point in reporting is that it might support some other woman's case and get her taken seriously when he does it again. 'Reported' rapes - probably nowhere near the number of actual rapes. Basically, the UK is a free-for-all for rapists.

So. From now on your life is about you, not him. Finish the relationship, by text. Block him. There used to be Rape Crisis Centres and Rape Crisis lines - don't know if those exist now. If not, see your GP (and don't accept any bullshit from medics who suggest he might just have made a mistake) and tell them you need urgent counselling. It's not unreasonable to want to talk to a stranger rather than family or friends.

I wish you well. So do all of us who have been raped by someone we were in a relationship with. It's demeaning, humiliating, depersonalizing. You are worth something, worthy of respect and love. It might take a while to feel that again, but you're on the right path.

Rape Crisis centres still exist (in England and Wales) but under varying names:

rapecrisis.org.uk/find-a-centre/

If the OP is in London, there are also The Havens:

www.thehavens.org.uk/

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:37

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Well that’s why I said her situation is different. FFS.

knittingaddict · 26/09/2022 15:37

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:32

No I was accusing someone else of being nutty, not OP

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I know who you were replying to in that post because I quoted it. I am saying that you minimised rape to TWO separate people at least on this thread - the person you quoted and that I requoted and the op. Keep up.

CakeMonster1 · 26/09/2022 15:38

Haffiana · 26/09/2022 14:57

EVERY TIME this comes up on Mumsnet, some idiotic fucker whose partner is doing this to her and who cannot face the fact that she is with a man whose sexual preference is screwing unconscious bodies, tries to defend what is a straightforward act of rape.

Why do women do this to other women? FFS. Have a look on some of the darker sides of reddit - such men boast about 'gimp' sex. About having 'gimp' sex with their partners. About getting their partners drunk enough so they can rape them while they are unconscious.

100% agree with this.

I can't understand how women can try justify the behaviour of these predators. Who wants to have sex with someone asleep or drink? The sickos who aren't having sex that's what, it is an act of violence/dominance/control. Ä°t's abusive and illegal.

I don't understand how anyone has clicked that the OP is being unreasonable. I despair I really do at some of the lack of understanding and empathy from some posters thinking OPs partner was asleep. Wtf?

Praying this lady OP gets the help and support needed.

VinoDino · 26/09/2022 15:38

@pumpkinsboo I've never started sucking on a partner's dick when they've been out cold asleep, no.

candycaneframe · 26/09/2022 15:38

@DontBlameMe79

If her situation is different why even comment about your sex life

Ffs

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:38

JustLyra · 26/09/2022 15:36

Sorry I've tagged the wrong poster.

I'm bloody furious at someone waffling about their sex life on this thread.

Apologies

Thats ok, I can see you are upset. - it’s understandable

LovinglifeAF · 26/09/2022 15:39

And do not blame yourself op for not reacting. Seems like a survival mechanism as much as a fear response. Can imagine how he might have behaved if you had called him out there and then?

vile man

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:41

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ParentallyUnprepared · 26/09/2022 15:41

He's acting cold because he knows he's in the wrong but he's trying to make you feel you are by punishing you.

Naunet · 26/09/2022 15:42

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She was looking for views on HER situation, not yours, which as you’ve said yourself, is different.

CousinKrispy · 26/09/2022 15:43

OP, don't feel bad about having frozen up. That's a typical response in these situations, entirely normal as a protective mechanism.

I would suggest you distance yourself from him as much as you can at this point. A decent man would understand that he doesn't just have access to your body for penetration without a discussion in advance, and wouldn't respond with coldness and gaslighting about "not knowing who started it." There is help out there, and there are decent men out there.

take care

VinoDino · 26/09/2022 15:44

I commented because OP was asking for views. That’s the point of this site. Please keep up.

@DontBlameMe79 where has she asked for views?

knittingaddict · 26/09/2022 15:44

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:38

Thats ok, I can see you are upset. - it’s understandable

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Let's get this clear. You are implying that JustLyra is upset because she isn't having sex and not because you are a rape apologist who is telling us all about her amazing 🙄sex life on a thread about rape within a relationship? Is that about right?

Newusername21 · 26/09/2022 15:46

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 15:29

@JustLyra thank u. If he had woken me a cuddle and some gentle touching sure it would of be different but like u said he didn’t he rolled me over and just started. I just didn’t react, I don’t know why. I wish I had so much now.

Please try and ignore some of the posts on here @Rachellilllian

I'm actually quite horrified at some of the comments trying to justify what your partner did to you. I've reported this thread as I think the tone is getting frightening.
I hope you can get some proper support an advice IRL. Good Luck.

candycaneframe · 26/09/2022 15:46

@DontBlameMe79

The op is asking for views on her situation

Which you have acknowledged is different to yours

So why feel the need to comment about your sex life?

It's totally irrelevant and also in this case damaging, as can lead to planting seeds of doubt.

For most posts irrelevant replies are harmless

For posts cantering around a sexual assault irrelevant posts like yours can be damaging to victims

Sort yourself out

Mojitoo · 26/09/2022 15:47

I commented because OP was asking for views. That’s the point of this site. Please keep up

The OP doesn't need YOUR views on YOUR sex life, and you know it. You patently don't give a shit about the OP. Try to have a little compassion.

The OP needs help and you're behaving like an attention seeking fool.

DarkShade · 26/09/2022 15:47

Do not blame yourself OP! Freezing is completely normal. It's a response to fear. You were in an unsafe situation with someone who has already violated your boundaries and responded in what your body at that moment instinctively judged to be the best way to keep yourself safe. It is not your fault, at all. It is the fault solely of the man who put you in the situation of such fear that you froze.

Stravaig · 26/09/2022 15:48

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 15:29

@JustLyra thank u. If he had woken me a cuddle and some gentle touching sure it would of be different but like u said he didn’t he rolled me over and just started. I just didn’t react, I don’t know why. I wish I had so much now.

It's completely normal to freeze. It takes some moments to wake up, to decipher what is being done to your body physically, then it starts to land emotionally and psychologically. Confusion and shock and fear and freezing take over.

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope you get some good support.

Don't go anywhere near that man ever again.

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