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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum on a date - no contact!

336 replies

Shouldiworryaboutthis · 24/09/2022 21:45

I’m not sure if I'm over-thinking things but my mother (late 50’s) went on a date today with a man from on-line dating. She said she would message me in the day to let me know how things were going, I have not heard from her and she hasn’t received/read any of the messages I’ve sent. She is quite a trusting person and in the past has allowed men from on-line dating come to her home for coffee when she knows very little about them. I advised against this and she has not (as far as I’m aware) done this since.
Should I be concerned?

OP posts:
Cats23 · 24/09/2022 22:48

I'd call police to check.

WGACA · 24/09/2022 22:49

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 24/09/2022 22:45

If it was my Mum and I couldnt get hold of her and had no one local to check, then I would ask the Police if they would do a welfare check.

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Me too! I would be very worried if anyone I knew was uncontactable after a first online date especially if they said they’d check in with me. You need to know she’s ok before you go to bed.

GiltEdges · 24/09/2022 22:49

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 24/09/2022 22:45

If it was my Mum and I couldnt get hold of her and had no one local to check, then I would ask the Police if they would do a welfare check.

Show quote history

Bloody hell, talk about an overreaction. OPs mum is an adult woman in her 50s who’s no doubt got carried away with the day and forgotten to get back in touch with the OP. I seriously worry if the police have time to entertain doing a welfare check in a case like this, nor is it remotely reasonable for OP to turf her kids out of bed to head over there herself as PPs have suggested🙄

OP - your plan to go over if you don’t hear by morning is a sensible one. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

bigbeautifulmonster · 24/09/2022 22:52

I reckon she's just got carried away and enjoying herself but yeah check in the morning.

catfunk · 24/09/2022 22:53

Does she have a landline ?

Tigofigo · 24/09/2022 22:54

Does she have a landline?

Summerfun54321 · 24/09/2022 22:55

If this were my mum I would just go to bed and call her in the morning. My mum is terrible for answering her phone and doesn’t take kindly to being mothered by her kids. Yours may be different though.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/09/2022 22:58
Flowers
CuriousMama · 24/09/2022 23:00

I'd be passed myself with worry. Really hope she's ok.

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 24/09/2022 23:01

Not in the least an ‘overreaction’ @GiltEdges perfectly reasonable.

DesdemonaThreethree · 24/09/2022 23:01

God, there are some OTT replies on here. I'm in my 50s and would be absolutely mortified if any of my DC bundled my (as yet non-existent) grandchildren into the car because I hadn't replied to messages for several hours. I'd be backing right away from that. Surely the whole point of having adult children is that you finally have some freedom to do everything and nothing, as you choose, without someone checking up on you?

I can easily go more than 10 hours without looking at my phone, because I choose not to have a smartphone so there's not much to see on it.

ImNotGreta · 24/09/2022 23:05

DesdemonaThreethree · 24/09/2022 23:01

God, there are some OTT replies on here. I'm in my 50s and would be absolutely mortified if any of my DC bundled my (as yet non-existent) grandchildren into the car because I hadn't replied to messages for several hours. I'd be backing right away from that. Surely the whole point of having adult children is that you finally have some freedom to do everything and nothing, as you choose, without someone checking up on you?

I can easily go more than 10 hours without looking at my phone, because I choose not to have a smartphone so there's not much to see on it.

But the OP’s mother had explicitly told her to expect a message to let her know that she was OK.

It’s very bad form if she arranged to do this then simply didn’t bother, or forgot.

ShaneTwane · 24/09/2022 23:06

How far away are you op? If this was my mom i would be worried.

I honestly dont understand people saying you are over reacting saying shes an adult blah blah blah. They seem to have missed key facts:

Her date was meant to be about mid day (time not totally confirmed) with a stranger not from the area. She has form for letting strangers into her home for coffee. She agreed to update her daughter in the day and now its night time and no response. Her phone is also switched on but not being answered nor texts read. All of that is concerning whether she is an adult or not. Or do some people believe adult women dont come to harm at the hands of strange men?

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 24/09/2022 23:06

Find My Friends has been a game changer in my family for this sort of worry. I get that it's not for everyone and some families would exploit it, but you know your own family members and it works for us and avoids these kind of panics. I'm sure your mum is fine though and just forgot to text and is in bed.

VanGoghsDog · 24/09/2022 23:06

Shouldiworryaboutthis · 24/09/2022 22:39

She doesn’t drive no, she uses public transport, they were meeting for a coffee as far as I know but when I spoke to her, there was not a definite place and the time wasn’t definite either. I do wonder if she’s gone home and just gone to bed, I do hope she hasn’t allowed him in her house though.

I'm not far off your mum's age.

Given how internet dating usually goes, he probably never firmed up any arrangements, didn't turn up, didn't respond to messages, and she had a bacon bap and a glass of red wine and fell asleep in front of the TV on her own.

IheartJKRowling · 24/09/2022 23:07

I'm the same age as your Mum and I would be extremely pissed if my daughter kept ringing and messaging me while I was on a date wanting to check on me.

She's in her 50's not here 80's and with any luck she's enjoying herself. It's not just "young" people who sometimes fancy some no strings fun.

RoseAndRose · 24/09/2022 23:08

It's not gratuitous checking though, is it?

This is someone meeting an unknown man, who undertook to ring when safely back, who has not done so and it's hours since they met up.

It's the same as if your friend is doing the last bit of a journey home after a night out alone and says she'll ring when she gets in. And then doesn't. Wouldn't you check? Because those arrangements are made for safety, not random checking

CuriousMama · 24/09/2022 23:10

The age is irrelevant. I'm in my 50s. It's the fact OP expected to be contacted. And she can't get in touch.

J0y · 24/09/2022 23:11

People saying ''she's 50 not 90'' that's not the point really, you don't tell somebody you're going on a date and then cease all communication after saying you'd update them. That's obviously worrying!

VanGoghsDog · 24/09/2022 23:11

RoseAndRose · 24/09/2022 23:08

It's not gratuitous checking though, is it?

This is someone meeting an unknown man, who undertook to ring when safely back, who has not done so and it's hours since they met up.

It's the same as if your friend is doing the last bit of a journey home after a night out alone and says she'll ring when she gets in. And then doesn't. Wouldn't you check? Because those arrangements are made for safety, not random checking

Except no-one even knows if she did meet up with anyone because there were no plans actually made.

PhoneWaiting · 24/09/2022 23:13

@Shouldiworryaboutthis what time did you first start ringing or messaging her? That would guide me, if you had been messaging since say 1pm and they hadn’t been acknowledged then I would be worried too. How far away is she?

DesdemonaThreethree · 24/09/2022 23:15

ImNotGreta · 24/09/2022 23:05

But the OP’s mother had explicitly told her to expect a message to let her know that she was OK.

It’s very bad form if she arranged to do this then simply didn’t bother, or forgot.

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Yes - agree that it's bad form, and she shouldn't have said she was going to text if she wasn't intending to do it. However, it's also possible that she meant to and fell asleep, or that she was having a good time and didn't have the opportunity. I have it the other way round with my DC who always promise to text me and then don't, so I do get that it can be worrying/annoying. It's also possible in this case that the mum feels oppressed by her daughter telling her what to do, and that her failure to communicate is a mid-life minor act of rebellion. I would feel like a sulky teenager if my DC started telling me to text them, not to let strange men into my house, etc, etc, and would probably start behaving like one. Grin

5128gap · 24/09/2022 23:18

Those who wouldn't be worried, how about if it was your 20 year old daughter not your 50 year old mother? A woman's age does not form a protective shield around her that appears age 25 then disappears again at around 70.
Any woman meeting a strange man who agreed to make contact and hasn't should be checked up on. Odds are she's fine, but until we can be certain every woman is always fine (never) it's better to be safe than sorry.
Ring her OP. If you end up disturbing something she might not forget to check in as agreed next time.

maddy68 · 24/09/2022 23:19

Don't worry until tomorrow. She is an adult and sounds as if she is having a good time

mamabear715 · 24/09/2022 23:19

Couldn't agree more, @5128gap